Another "Spooky Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of that song you heard ad nauseum on the radio today, "Monster Mash"

One night I left my home, I just wanted to leave
And take a gentle ride for a chance to breathe
But people started tapping my car up North
And then I realized, “I’m in Chemung, New York!”

They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash
The Bodine crash
It was a three car smash
They did the crash
Such a violent clash
They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash

Now I’m not the one to be a safety nag
But the town’s official seal is a yellow flag
Because of two brothers with Cup careers dead
And the other one? He’s inside a sled.

They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash
The Bodine crash
It was a three car smash
They did the crash
Such a violent clash
They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash

They were wrecking without a care
And none of them had any hair
And all because of Brett and Todd
And Geoff…rey? That’s pretty odd

They were spinning me out, they were wrecking my hide
One said “we don’t take kindly to those from outside”
I said “well, if that’s true, then what’s that noise?”
The response? “That’s our friends: The Sauter Boys!”

They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash
The Bodine crash
It was a three car smash
They did the crash
Such a violent clash
They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash

This Year's Hottest Halloween Costume Is...

...ROBBY GORDON!

Yes, Nascar's favorite troublemaker is also the perfect choice for a Halloween costume. Here's all you need:

--Haircut resembling a 10-year old boy
--Worn-out, faded Coors Light undershirt
--Hypercolor uniform that changes from Red to Yellow to Black
--A fistfull of foam
--A healthy distain for the rules, competitors, and common decency in general

Anytime things don't go your way, just throw some of your foam at the offending party. Someone eat the last club sandwich wedge? Foam it! Guy in a Kasey Kahne costume steal your girl? Foam it! Kid on ecstacy brought foam to the party? Foam it!

And oh, the variations!
--Post-Race Robby (casual clothes, with an "oh CRAP" look permanently etched across one's face)
--Indianapolis 500 Robby (works best if you're skipping a more important appointment somewhere else)
--Drunk Robby (just constantly yell out "Come feel Menards!")
--Talented, Successful Robby (Tony Stewart)

I CALLED IT!

Friday's article, under the ODDS section, and I quote:

9:1 Robby Gordon will affect the outcome of the race, and, by extension, the Chase.

I CALLED IT!

Parody Writing: The Home Game

OK, everyone its time to play everyone's favorite game...
GUESS HOW LONG UNTIL THE ONION SPORTS DOES A JOKE ABOUT JUAN PABLO MONTOYA AS AN ILLEGAL ALIEN TAKING AMERICAN JOBS!*
Here's how to play:
1. Start out with 100 points.
2. Pick any date within the next 100 days.
3. For each day you were off, subtract that many points.
4. Bonus points? Oh mai oui!
--Featured on home page, not just the sports page: 50
--Times the phrase "area man" is used: 5 each
--Juan's referred to as a Mexican by mistake: 10
--Juan's career confused with Alex Zanardi's by mistake: 20
--References to George W. Bush: 5 each

OK, gang--place your bids today, and you could be the next big winner on...
GUESS HOW LONG UNTIL THE ONION SPORTS DOES A JOKE ABOUT JUAN PABLO MONTOYA AS AN ILLEGAL ALIEN TAKING AMERICAN JOBS!*



*--catchy title, no?

Atlanta "News" and Notes: Special Open Wheel Invasion Edition

A.J. Allmendinger's planned Nextel Cup debut was scuttled by rain today, forcing him to wait. Unfortunately, it also forces US to wait to hear how Bill Weber mangles his name.

(in Norm MacDonald Voice): Nascar's latest rumor has Michael Schumacher signing a whopping $10 million deal to run next year's two road course events. This, once again, supports my theory that German people LOVE David Hasselhoff.

Paul Tracy has decided to return to CART full-time in 2007, ending his Nascar excursion. Paul--CART saw you cheatin' on it with that hot sanctioning body down south--and now you expect her to take you back?

Juan Pablo Montoya makes his Busch Series debut tomorrow at Memphis Motorsports Park. Its just one stepping stone on the way to his lifelong dream--to create a type of money dogs and cats can use.

The 2006 IROC Series comes to a close this weekend, with Max Papis the only open-wheel driver still in the championship running. His prize if he wins? A life-sized purple velvet satchel.

ODDS
3:1 90% of tomorrow's pre-race will be spent on Juan Pablo's performance in the Busch race.
9:1 Robby Gordon will affect the outcome of the race, and, by extension, the Chase.
50:1 Robby Gordon will affect the outcome of the race by winning.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "Short People" by Randy Newman (and if you don't get the tone of the original song, you'll probably think I'm a jackass)

Dave Marcis got no reason
Dave Marcis got no reason
Dave Marcis got no reason
To race

He’s got no money
Got no cash
Got no war chest
Ain’t got no stash
He’s got no currency
And no dough
He’s the owner
So there’s no cash flow

Well, we don’t need no Dave Marcis
Don't want no Dave Marcis
Don't want no Dave Marcis
In Cup

Dave Marcis is just the same
When he’s in the car
(Treat him like a star)
And he makes more money than you
Testing for RCR
(Hey, at least he has won)

Dave Marcis got no chances
Dave Marcis got no chances
Dave Marcis got no chances
To win

He’s got really old cars
And a really old crew
And his really old uni’s
Got some old wingtip shoes
He’s got really old tires
That are gonna be flat
He only afforded them
‘Cause of the name on his hat
He’s got a tired old engine
And a sponsor hodge-podge
He’s the only damn driver
With a car in camouflage

Well, we don’t need no Dave Marcis
Don't want no Dave Marcis
Don't want no Dave Marcis
In Cup

Green with Envy

Yesterday, The Outside Groove sat down for an interview with an executive for CART, looking for their opinion on the recent defection of A.J. Allmandinger. Here's the all-too-brief transcript:

TOG: "With the recent defection of Mr. Allmandinger to Nascar, tell me what you've been seeing with the rise of Nascar in relation to your own series?"

CART: "Well--we--well--we--we just--Nascar is what we thought they were. They're wh-what we thought they were. We competed against them in IROC--who the hell takes the third race in IROC like its bull? BULL?!? We raced 'em in the IROC race, everybody ran identical cars, NASCAR is what we THOUGHT THEY WERE. And that's why we're barely on TV. Now, (smacks chair arm), if you want to mock them, then MOCK their ass. BUT THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! AND THE SERIES IS OFF THE HOOK.

TOG: "Thanks, sir."

An Explaination of Yesterday's, um, "Article"

(note: this explanation is written while drunk)

You see, Sterling Marlin is sponsored by Waste Management. And William & Mary is a school in Virginia, OK? And Waste Management's logo is WM, alright? And William & Mary uses WM as THEIR logo. So they both use the same basic logo! He wouldn't have to change a thing to promote William & Mary! And here's the kicker! Both Waste Management and William & Mary use green and yellow as their colors! Its HILARIOUS! Can you believe it! This is better than my Mark Martin/Martinsville joke! Whenever someone's name sounds like something else, its automatically funny! Hey, what about Kyle Petty and Tom Petty teaming up for an album?!? See, they both have the same last name! And Kyle used to sing too! Its hilarious! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

The School That Gave us Jon Stewart

Continuing Bobby Ginn's "Race to Education" program, Sterling Marlin ran a special paint scheme at Martinsville for nearby College of William & Mary. Here's the car.

From Bill Weber Industries...

as seen on a late-night commercial on your local NBC affilliate:

Hey! The Holidays are just around the corner! Struggling to find the perfect gift for that special someone in your life? Well, do we have a product for you. Introducing The Bill Weber 30-second Biography! That's right, Bill Weber, star announcer for NBC and TNT, will condense your friend or family member's life into one handy 30-second soundbite, perfect to be read over the final lap of a Nascar race! Just take a listen:
"And Sara Wilson...born in Beaverton Oregon...won the school geography bee in 5th grade...graduate from USC with a degree in marketing...once got her TV to work just by smacking it with her hand...is going to WIN her office football pool."
It even works for kids!:
"Young Scotty Ryan...worked so hard to graduate from pre-school...voted best dressed in his elementary school yearbook...had a tough time in middle school with acne, but OVERCAME it...and he's gonna WIN the homecoming court nomination."
The Bill Weber 30-second Biography, available for just four easy payments of $19.95 plus shipping, handling, and the cost of distracting Wally Dallenbach. Order it today!
(note: offer not valid to those overcoming hockey injuries)

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

True story--last night I stopped by my local Wawa to buy some ice cream. Who happens to walk in but a young lady in a bee costume (sorority initiation, I bet). Naturally, this song came to mind:

To the tune of "No Rain" by Blind Melon, its the plight of a field filler, trying to get the chance to qualify

All I can say is that my car looks pretty plain
And you won’t see it tomorrow if there’s rain
All I can do is try to run a race or two
But my sponsors number few
I know its not sane…not sane…not saaaaaaaane

I just want a chance to get out on the track
To qualify and make today’s race
But if there is water I won’t make the field
And there goes my dreams of 33rd place

I hope you understand that there’s just one way to gain
But I will not get that chance without no rain
‘Cause my car’s set up to make the race on Sunday
But before that I must have a chance today
Today…today…todaaaaaaaaaaaaay
All I can say is that my car looks pretty plain
And you won’t see me tonight
On Dave Despain
Despain…Despaiiiiiiiiin

Martinsville "News" and Notes

In honor of his final season with Roush Racing, Martinsville will rename itself this weekend for longtime driver Mark Martin.

Speed Channel pit reporter Ray Dunlap was suspended for this weekend's activities after making an off-color joke about Hispanics during taping. When asked about his feelings on the suspension, Lou Pinella had no comment.

Ward Burton returns to Nextel Cup action this weekend, proving that if you hold out long enough, a top-flight ride with stable sponsorship will become available.

Ken Schrader makes his 700th career Nextel Cup start this weekend. This isn't that impressive when you consider that, when all series are included, its his 400th start this month.

Looking toward next year, TNT is reportedly considering broadcasting its races with no commercial breaks. This sounds like a great idea, until you consider that it just means more time with Bill Weber.

ODDS:
3:1 A driver will eat his own hand, believing it to be a Martinsville hot dog.
10:1 Jimmy Spencer will eat his own hand, just because he's hungry.
50:1 Denny Hamlin will eat his own hand, hoping it will spark another run of wins.

Bush League

A transcript of George W. Bush's speech delivered Thursday from the Victory Junction Gang Camp:

"Good afternoon. Today I came down to South Carolina to visit with the Petty family and their wonderful camp for sick kids. I would like to thank Patti, Richard, Linda, and that guy with the ponytail for their great hospitality. Furthermore I would like to thank the local media for showing up, as this further cemets my status as just 'one of the guys', just a regular ol' Nascar fan who loves nothing more than to fly down in my private jet to visit with some drivers. I also got the chance to meet with Jimmy Johnson, and teased him about his hair. I guess he didn't get the joke.
"The reason why I am here today is to examine what a camp like this can do for the sick kids. And today, walking among the campers, counselors, and all these great people of Virginia, I am amazed by the results. That is why I am immediately cutting all funding to all childrens hospitals. It is obvious that they do not need the funding, since drivers will do such a good job of fundraising themselves. Furthermore, every sick kid I saw today had a bright smile and a spring in their step. Heck--they didn't even look sick! That's why all of the hospital funding will be going straight to summer camps. Apparently nothing cures a terminal disease quite like leathercraft.
"Citizens of Georgia, we have won the war on sick kids. I am unafraid to say that in the field of childhood diseases, Mission Accomplished. I guess you could say that we have made a Victory at this Junction...thanks to Gangs who hang out in Camps.
"Thank you, and now I'm off to attend a deportation hearing for illegal alien Marcus Ambrose."

Host of "Boardwalk and Baseball" Ya Know

With ESPN reaquiring the rights to Nascar, expect to see coverage across the board (sorry, competitive darts). However, what will happen when Chris "You're with me, leather" Berman has to recap races? That's where I come in. Behold--the Nascar Berman Nicknames:

01--Joe Nemechek-mate
07--Clint Chef Bowyer-dee
1--Martin Girl You Know Its Truex (Tom Jackson: Ooh, ooh, ooh, I love you)
2--Kurt Busch having a gay old time
5--Kyle Head for the mountains of Busch
6--Mark Martin Lawrence (Tom Jackson: You so cray-zay)
7--Robby Al Gore-don
8--Dale Earn-Heart of Gold Jr.
9--Dave Kasey Des-Kahne
10--Scott Riggs and Murtaugh
11--Denny McLaine Hamlin
12--Ryan Lorraine Newman and the Not Ready for Daytona Players
14--Fly away, little Sterling! Marlin
16--Greg Getcher meathooks off her Biff!le
17--Matt Barbie and Ken-seth
18--J.J. (with Tom:) DY-NO-MITE! Yeley
19--Elliott Adam Sadler shoo ba doo ba doobee dooba doobee
20--Tony Beef Stew-art
21--Ken Schrader-ade, is he in you?
22--David Blaine-y, levitating over the field
24--Jeff Gordon Jump
25--Brian Michael Vick-ers
26--Jamie Fred McMurray
29--Kevin har-dee-har-Harvick
31--Jeff Ward Burton
32--Travis Kva-Jagged Little Pill (Tom Jackson: You-ooo-ooo oughta know)
38--David Gilli-Land of the Lost
40--David cool as a mountain Stremme
41--Reed Son of Sorenson
42--Casey and the Sunshine Mears
43--Bobby Labon-tea for two (Tom Jackson: and two for tea)
45--Kyle Tom Petty
48--Jimmie Johnson, his hair looks great
49--Mike SKINNNNNER!
55--Michael Waltrip FROM! (Tom Jackson: outside Luvul!)
60--Boris that's what I Said
66--Jeff Its Not Easy...Bein Green
78--Kenny William Wallace
88--Dale Earn--I mean, Jarrett
96--Tony Blame it On the Raines
99--Carl Winslow Edwards (Tom Jackson: Go Home Go Home GO HOME!)

The Kannapolis Konnection

Kannapolis, North Carolina is best known as the hometown of three things: Dale Earnhardt, Dale Earnhardt Jr, and the Kannapolis Intimidators baseball team. What's less known is that it is the birthplace of funk pioneer George Clinton.
Yes, that George Clinton. Seriously.
Lets take a look at how Dale Earnhardt compares to his equally-legendary town-mate, Mr. P-Funk himself:

Early Career:
George Clinton: Barbershop owner in Plainfield, New Jersey
Dale Earnhardt: Serial lover in the greater Carolina region

Movie Cameo:
George Clinton: Good Burger
Dale Earnhardt: BASEketball

Fast Food Connection:
George Clinton: Hit song "Do Fries go with that Shake?"
Dale Earnhardt: Burger King commercial

Contract Woes:
George Clinton: Was unable to use the names "Parliament" and "Funkadelic" due to copyright law
Dale Earnhardt: Had to drive a Ford for two years

Running Buddy:
George Clinton: "Bootsy" Collins
Dale Earnhardt: "Chocolate" Myers

Nicknames:
George Clinton: Dr. Funkenstein, The Godfather of Funk, Funkalicious
Dale Earnhardt: Ironhead, The Intimidator, The Man in Black, Funktastic Funkatude

Extremely Volatile Contemporary:
George Clinton: Rick James
Dale Earnhardt: Tim Richmond

Colorful Looks:
George Clinton: Iconic neon-colored hair
Dale Earnhardt: Hideous Peter Max diecast car

Proteges:
George Clinton: Various musicians in the fields of hip-hop, R&B, soul, and more
Dale Earnhardt: Virtually every driver today not named Rusty Wallace

Damage Done:
George Clinton: Tore the roof off that sucka
Dale Earnhardt: Tore the bumpa off that Labonte

Biggest Disappointment:
George Clinton: Appearence in "House Party"
Dale Earnhardt: "...and Derrike Cope's gonna win the Daytona 500!"

Bad Joke Roundup

As stated here before, I tend to think up really bad jokes while I'm at work. Here's some of the latest:

If Nascar exec Lesa France married Falcons coach Jim Mora, wouldn't she be Lesa Mora?


Did you hear that Daytona 500 champion Derrike Cope* and champion team owner Billy Hagen are going into business together? They're calling their venture Cope n' Hagen.


If a feud erupted between Jeff Burton and Jeff Gordon, wouldn't Nascar Scene have to run the headline, "Warrin' Jeffs"?


Last time I was in the pits, I asked Greg Biffle for his autograph. Problem is, I called him "Biff", which apparently he hates. Instead of signing my hat, he just told me to "Make like a tree, and get outta here."

*Whenever discussing Mr. Cope, its required to put "Daytona 500 champion" before his name (apparently "Mason-Dixon 500 champion doesn't sound as cool).

Bro's before Lowes "News" and Notes

Despite an exciting race to the Chase, TV ratings have been down for nearly every race this year. Some blame it on decreased promotion, while others point to shifting market trends. I, however, still think its because Nascar lacks what every successful sport has--lots of athletes getting arrested outside strip clubs.

Bill Elliott failed to make tomorrow's race, meaning that 'ol Bill won't be able to pay for little Jimmy's leg operation. Maybe next week, Jimmy. Maybe next week.

Terry Labonte gains entry into the Lowe's Motor Speedway Walk of Fame this week for his meritorious service to the track. The induction ceremony will take place immediately after Saturday's race, when he will be lowered into a sidewalk square and buried in concrete.

Sam's Club comes on board as a co-sponsor this week on David Gilliland's M&M's Ford. Expect Gilliland to put in lots of overtime to make this ride work.

Ashton Lewis Jr. has expressed displeasure at the lack of quality rides available for him in 2007. I agree--a man with as many wins as Ashton should have teams banging down his door.

ODDS:
3:1 Allen Bestwick will begin trying to get himself fired to get out of his contract.
7:1 Someone will emerge as "The clear Chase contender"
20:1 Someone will emerge as "The opaque Chase contender"

Bring Back "Boardwalk and Baseball"

Today ESPN announced its broadcasting team for 2007. Lets take a look at the roster:


Das Booth:
Dr. Jerry Punch (Play by Play): Punch returns to the Nascar world after a long hiatus, proving that if you stay in one place long enough, you WILL get promoted (Bob Jenkins, I'm looking in your direction). Best known for his pit reporting work back in the 90's, Dr. J also had a successful basketball career in the 70's with the ABA's New York Nets.

Rusty Wallace (Commentator): Rusty comes over to Nascar after one nonsensical year in IRL. While ESPN is no doubt looking for a non-whorish version of Darrell Waltrip, Rusty will ALWAYS be under the thumb of Doc. Remember, Punch saved Rusty's life in 1988. Rusty: "I don't know Jerry, I'd say that Junior's hot rod looks mighty stout today." Jerry: "Oh, I guess you can disagree with me, its not like I saved your life or anything. Oh wait, I DID. Why don't you go throw a water bottle at someone."

Andy Petree (Analyst): Petree has run the gamut in Nascar, as a driver (his own team and a few others), crew chief (for Dale Earnhardt) and owner (the non-Burt Reynolds affiliated Skoal Bandit). All that really matters, though, is if ESPN decides to give him a cooking segment called "The Petree Dish".


The Peach Pits:
Allen Bestwick: AB stays in the pits, which reminds us all of a VERY valuable piece of wisdom: NEVER play hockey.

Dave Burns: Expect Dave to get his own weekly forum for hard-hitting interviews with Nascar's movers and shakers, much like the Budweiser Hot Seat. The name? "Third-Degree Daves".

Jamie Little: I can honestly say I had no idea who this was until I wrote this article. But then I checked out her website. Wow--someone's gonna be in my dreams tonight--MOVE OVER DICK BERGGREN!

Mike Massaro: True story--I met Mike in the pits, and he had quite the winding road to the top. Here's the thing--he, like almost every other announcer in the motorsports world, started out working for Jack Arute. He's the Bill Walsh of Nascar pit reporters.


BristolWood Hotel:
Brent Musburger: As a teenager, Phil Hartman was one of my favorite actors. And the fact that he won't be able to reunite with Kevin Nealon to parody this choice of an anchor saddens me to no end.

Brad Daugherty: Oh great, just what we need--ANOTHER guy from North Carolina.

Frank(ie) Stoddard: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwk!

Shannon Spake: The fact that someone was actually hired away from Nascar Nation scares the crap out of me.

A Very Special Decal

Hello, I'm Nascar team owner and t-shirt magnate Richard Childress. As many of you may have heard, my cars will be running a special decal the weekend, one promoting understanding and awareness of a very misunderstood condition. That's right, Dover Downs Syndrome. Nearly 160,000 people are afflicted each year with DDS, over 60% of which live in the tax-free state of Delaware. Symptoms of DDS include the following:
--An affinity for Grotto's Pizza
--Deciding to build a horse track inside your local race course
--Starting a "lets make everything concrete" petition online
--Dry mouth
--Losing half of last week's salary on the Price is Right slots
Many unfamous people are afflicted with this condition, including actor Ryan Phillippe, singer George Thurogood, and obscure writer Mike Mackler. Please, help to increase awareness and understanding of this startling condition. I'm Richard Childress, goodnight.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "Southern Man" by Neil Young

Junior fan better keep your head
Don’t forget what your driver said
Wait for change, this you just must do
Next year he’ll be a DNQ
Junior fan

I saw him tap Johnson’s back
You shot up and started talk’n smack
There’s no point for this verbal attack
I heard booin’ and 8 fans cracking
Does he even deservvvvvvvvvve it?

Junior fan better keep your head
Don’t forget what your driver said
Give yourself a week to think and mull
Next year DNF’s for Red Bull
Junior fan

So what if the jeers come down like rain?
And if they call in to Dave Despain
Just remember this guy is quite lame
I saw fingers and beer cans flying
Should you even pay attentionnnnnnnn?

Wait a Minute...It All Makes Sense Now!

Today I finally realized why Team Red Bull is running the number 83 next year.

Its because their cans of Red Bull are 8.3 oz.

So, once again, here's proof as to why I don't have a girlfriend.

Vickers Credits Win to Hollywood Fame Co-Owners

Shortly after crashing into his first Nextel Cup win, Brian Vickers quickly gave credit to his fellow celebrity co-owners of the ABA Hollywood Fame.
"There's no way I could've been here today without my boys out in la-la land", Vickers explained to no one in particular. "Last week, John Salley gave me a great pep-talk. He said to take life's challenges one game at a time, and my success would be a slam dunk. Man, did that help!"
Vickers, best known for his staged "Daily Show" interview, won today's race on a controversial finish, in which he tapped teammate Jimmie Johnson. Apparently, Vickers' business partners played a role in that as well.
"I gotta thank my 'LA-Baltimore connection' for that last lap shootout. Stacy Kiebler showed me some footage from Raw, where she stabbed HER teammate in the back to join a rival faction. And who is more of a car wreck than Kyle Boller?"
The Fame are based in the revived American Basketball Association, which bills itself as "The League Below The League Below The League Below the NBA." The Fame currently have no home, coaches, or players, but nonetheless have a bright future with a Nextel Cup winner owning .01% of the team.
Vickers closed out his comments with, "Nick Lachey, you've taught me that a break-up can be beautiful. This win is MY Vanessa Minillo!"

(note: no joke was made at the expense of Brady Anderson, due to the immense psychological and emotional damage he had previously done to the author.)

Sweet Home Talladega "News" and Notes

Wood Bros. has signed Kelly Bires (a male, by the way) as a developmental driver. Expect them to Give Him Three Steps--ARCA, Trucks, and Busch, before embarking on a series of failed Cup team attempts.

Clint Bowyer runs the DirecTV paint scheme this week, in response to Jack Daniels' issues with Poison Whiskey. Thankfully this race isn't on Fox, which would result in about 75% of the coverage going towards Clint's thrilling 7th place finish.

Goodyear is on strike, but it won't affect Nascar. Even a Simple Man can see that anyone can build a race tire. Now, taking the abuse from Tony Stewart--that's irreplacable.

Kyle Petty was forced to race his way in for Sunday's race, as he is outside the top 35 in points. Kyle hasn't been under so much qualifying pressure since his brief stint Working for MCA--Mr. Cary Agajkjaljdlfjian.

After a strong 3rd-place finish in his first ARCA race, Juan Pablo Montoya was estatic about the freedom of being able to pass in a stock car, much like a bird. However, it remains to see if he can change.

Sure, this is a stupid gimmick for an article. But All I Can Do is Write About It.

ODDS:
4:1 Nascar RaceDay will use Talladega as an opportunity to unveil their new nickname for Jimmy Spencer--"The Big One".
8:1 The crowd will start a "War Tide" or "Roll Eagle" chant or something like that.
30:1 A street fight will ensue between the Alabama Gang and the dreaded Mears Gang.

Mark Martin Enlists in Army

Clarifying an earlier error in a widely-distributed press release, Mark Martin has announced that he has enlisted in the United States Army, effective 2007.
"After we finish second in this year's Chase, I'll know I'll have done all that I could in my Nascar career. Enlisting in a fine organization such as the US Army is just the next logical step."
Martin, best known as the star of a Hardee's commercial in the 90's, explained his decision as a step in his "life plan" laid out when he was 18.
"When I graduated high school, I decided to see where this racing thing would take me. As soon as I got sick of it, I'd go into the Army. Well, 30 years later its time to check 'racing' off my list. After my hitch in the Army, I got four years of college, then I can finally apply for that sales management job at the Ford dealership."
Martin was quick to acknowledge his current team at Roush Racing, stating "I am just so blessed, blessed to have such a great team around me. These guys go out there every day and
Edited for Time
"gonna go out there and win some races."
Martin will ship out to Fort Bragg on February 1, 2007. Once there, he will begin basic training under Sgt. Tony Schumacher.

Unemployed...And LOVING It!

Ever wonder what some of Nascar's best out-of-work drivers are doing with all their spare time? Neither do I, but lets take a look:

Ward Burton: Feeling low, getting hopes up when rumored for a new ride, hearing that new ride is going to 20 year old Busch phenom, feeling low.

Ricky Craven: Drinking shots of Beam while watching an endless loop of his Quaker State commercial with Terry Labonte.

Steve Park: Figuring out the wording of his "big announcement" on October 15th. (Current wording: "The announcement has been postponed").

Jimmy Spencer: Appearing on TV shows, pretending to know how to win races without some "help".

Jerermy Mayfield: At home, drawing pictures, of mountain tops, with him on top, lemon yellow sun.

Mike Bliss: Constantly reminding people that he is not unemployed.

Rick Mast: Preparing the mother of all workman's comp lawsuits.

Shane Hmiel: Hanging out in front of local 7-11, listening to the new Chamilionaire album with his "boys".

Lost In Translation III: Rise of the Machines

Yesterday, Jayski had a bizzare story from an Italian website about Jacques Villeneuve's supposed move to Nascar. What made it so strange was that the article was originally written in Italian, and since Jay doesn't speak Italian*, he had to have it translated online. So here, again, is a look at some Nascar news, lost in translation (courtesy of Google Language Tools):

The original piece...
I'm sick and tired of Jacques Villeneuve stories. He's been supposed to be coming to Nascar for about ten years now. He's like that friend whose been dating his girlfriend since the Clinton administration. Since these rumors first popped up, Juan Pablo Montoya has officially come over, while some other guys have given the Busch Series a try. Come on, Jacques--make a decision!

...Translated to Italian...
Sono ammalato e stanco delle storia del Jacques Villeneuve. È stato supposto ora di venire a Nascar per circa dieci anni. È come quell'amico di cui datando il suo girlfriend dalla gestione di Clinton. Da quando queste voci in primo luogo hanno schioccato in su, Juan Pablo Montoya è venuto ufficialmente sopra, mentre alcuni altri tipi hanno dato al Busch la serie una prova. Acceso, Jacques--prendere una decisione!

...And back to English.
They are ill and tired with the history of the Jacques Villeneuve. It has been supposed hour to come to Nascar for approximately ten years. It is like that friend of which dating its girlfriend from the management of Clinton. From when these voices in the first instance they have cracked in on, Juan Pablo Montoya has come officially over, while some other types have given to the Busch the series a test. Ignited, Jacques--to take one decision!


*Considering he's from New Jersey, he should know SOMEONE who speak-a Italiano.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by The Proclaimers

When I’m racing, yeah I know I’m gonna win
I'm gonna be the man who wins a race or two
When I’m racing, yeah I know I’m gonna lose
I'm gonna be the man who lost a race or two.

If I get caught, yeah I know I’m gonna cheat
I'm gonna be the man parked for a race or two
And if I win all, if I win the championship
I'm gonna be the man with invites numbered two.

But I would race 500 miles
And I would race 300 more
And just ‘cause I race against a bunch of rookies
That don’t make me a whore.

(The da da da part)

When I’m acting, acting in a commercial
The shoots with Stephen Colbert they will number two
Now you know why, I am sponsored by Reese’s
When you buy a Reese’s, you are buying two.

And on Friday, when I go to qualify
The alterations to the gas tanks are for two
And if Bowyer, wasn’t running now in Busch
You just know that I’d be racing in the two.

But I would race 500 miles
And I would race 300 more
And just ‘cause I'm on TV twice as much that
Don’t sell product at stores.

(The da da da part…again)

When I’m tired, well you know I gotta be
I’ll be replenishing enough fluids for two
And my sponsors, they all want a part of me
That’s why we’re working on making a clone or two.

All my uni’s, there’s so many of them now
That’s because I always get them embroidered for two
All decisions, well they all are ready made
DeLana makes all the decisions, that is true
But her decisions they are always maaaaade…in two.

But I would race 500 miles
And I would race 300 more
And just ‘cause I race so much I still know that
The Trucks are just next dooooooor.

Kahne Mutiny

The commentary you DID hear:
Bill Weber: "Kahne spins into pit lane! He rights the car--he's-he's outta fuel! He's coasting to his pit stall--AB, what's going on?"
Allen Bestwick: "Kasey Kahne asked his crew chief if he could pit in Jeremy Mayfield's pit stall, his crew chief said no, pitting in Mayfield's pit stall is illegal."

The interview you might have missed (after the race):
Bill Weber: "A tough win for the Rushville Rocket, to AB in the pits with a clarification on the Kasey Kahne situation"
Allen Bestwick: "We're here with Nascar CEO Mike Helton who's graciously agreed to join us to give us some clarity on the Nascar rulebook. Now, Mike--why would it have been a penalty for Kasey Kahne to have pitted in his teammate Jeremy Mayfield's pit stall?"
Mike Helton: "Well, the way we saw it, Jeremy Mayfield wasn't entered in this race, nor has he been entered in any Nascar race for about two months now. So unless Ray Evernham was able to construct a ficticious pit box on a quantum plane, such an event was impossible."
Bill Weber: "We don't have to look it up, because you just had to!"