Son of Headlines From Hell

Junior Arrested! (Bobby Hamilton, that is)

Gordon Fired! (Robby, that is)

Johnny Benson's Lasik Surgery in Hi-Def

Mark Green & Vassarette--The Photo Shoot!

Bristol Loses Cup Dates After Track Named Protected Wetlands

Mustached Warrior: The Derrike Cope Story (Warning--Contains Graphic Nudity)

Bernie Mac and Greg Biffle: Separated at Birth?

and finally...

Mike Joy's Daughter Marries Randy LaJoie, changes name to Joy-LaJoie

Talladega "News" and Notes

--The Rusty Wallace-Ryan Newman feud took an unexpected turn this week, with mutual teammate Travis Kvapil describing the awkwardness around the garage. This uneasy air is expected to stem from everyone's insistance on calling him Brendan.
--Robby Gordon will miss yet another race this week after failing to qualify. Don't worry, Robby--a fat 11th place finish is waiting for you at Infineon.
--Continuing their tradition of redundancy, DEI entered Martin Truex Jr. in this week's race, obviously wanting to improve on a track they've dominated for years.
--Bobby Hamilton Jr. may be facing charges for an altercation at a Late Model race in Nashville. What's worse, Bobby Sr. wasn't even there to complain about it.
--This week Jeff Gordon runs a special paint scheme with legendary Star Wars character Mark Martin on the hood.

ODDS:
5:1 Kenny Wallace will explain why he continues to miss Cup races on Nascar This Morning...even though nobody asked him to.
10:1 Tony Stewart will blame a bad pit stop on the media's negative coverage.
99:1 I'll be able to stop laughing after Larry McReynolds says "remember, now we don't go restrictor plate racin' now till the 4th of JOO-ly"

The Second Ever The Outside Groove Reader CONTEST!!!

That's right--its time once again for The Outside Groove to hold a contest. Its the same one as last time--YOU come up with the headline, and I'LL write the article. Send it to mackler@gmail.com or leave a comment with your ideas--multiple entries welcome! Deadline is Wednesday, May 4th at midnight. Goooooood luck!

Government Issues Ban on Driver Height Jokes

Cracking down on an "epidemic wave of crude humor", the US Government announced today an immediate ban on all jokes about drivers' height (more specifically, the lack thereof).
"The plight of the short driver is one that could go ignored no longer" explained government spokeswoman Sara Blanche. "Just this week, we saw Bobby Hamilton Jr. pushed to the boiling point at Nashville. This had to stop now."
The move impacts a wide variety of drivers, namely Jason Leffler, Jamie McMurray, Casey Mears, and Mark Martin. In addtion, several other vertically challenged drivers (i.e. Jeff Gordon) are protected, though they are more likely to be made fun of for other reasons.
The biggest losers in the move are expected to be unimaginative Nascar humor sights like The Outside Groove. In addtion, drivers well known for being too tall were strangely left out of the agreement, thus allowing fans to continue mocking Michael Waltrip.
Blanche concluded her speech as such: "America might be a democracy, but we recognize that Nascar is a monarchy. Thusly, we feel that the limiting of free speech was necessary to protect fans from themselves. Finally, Tiny Lund can rest in peace."
When informed that Lund was 6'5'' (and that his nickname was a joke), Blanche ended the press conference.

Where does the money go?

A quasi-weekly look at where the sponsorship dollars for your favorite drivers are spent.

This week: #40 Sterling Marlin

24% Translator. (note: translater was bought used, having been employed by Ward Burton and, before that, Buddy Baker)

13% Storage for promotional Coors Cutter cans.

13% Season tickets, Tennessee football.

2% Payoff to Sterling to not sing "Rocky Top" in the shop.

12% Money reserved for retirement tour (expires 2005).

36% Settlement in lawsuit filed by those who saw Sterling shirtless on Totally Nascar.

0% Haircuts.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Granted 25 Points by Nascar

In a move sure to be blasted by some but applauded by many, Nascar President Brian France announced the awarding to 25 points to Dale Earnhardt Jr., effective immediately.
In a statement given by Nascar Public Relations head Jim Hunter, Hunter explained “the 25 points given to Earnhardt are in line with the Nascar Rulebook, Rule 6.7: Actions Beneficial to Nascar. We feel that no other driver has been more beneficial to Nascar and ISC than Junior himself.”
The extra points vault Earnhardt into the top ten in points, giving him a prime position for the Chase for the Cup. Hunter noted that the rule can be enforced an unlimited amount of times, and that Budweiser is considering sponsoring it as a contingency award.
“This is just one of the rules Mr. France made to appeal to the new generation of Nascar fans”, Hunter explained. “With statistics showing that over 75% of Nascar fans are Junior fans, it made sense to please 75% of our fans. Oh, and the TV partners too.”
Several insiders hypothesized that the rule may have originally granted direct admittance to sons of 7-time champions. However, despite fervent lobbying by Kyle Petty and Kerry Earnhardt, the rule did not pass.
Earnhardt was unavailable for comment, as he was booked through the day filming Winfuel commercials. Again.

Beyond Thirty Five

How those drivers outside the top 35 in points fared at the rich-man's New Hampshire:

#18-Bobby Labonte (finished 6th) His team needed this--Interstate was talking about pulling back from their 14 races of sponsorship.

#09-Johnny Sauter Great run for the gambler. Unfortunatly, he received MORE exposure by getting DQ'd last week.

#33-Clint Bowyer (22nd) That car looked like it was glowing.

#37-Kevin Lepage (28th) Patient, Kevin--climb the ladder to mediocraty.

#92-Stanton Barrett (30th) True story--Jayski lists his sponsor as "TBA". In addition, he lists Barrett's 30th place finish as "respectable". Maybe Tony Stewart's on to something.

#32-Bobby Hamilton Jr. (35th) Yawwwwwwwwn.

#7-Robby Gordon (37th) Go back to Baja you engine-blowing freak.

#00-Carl Long (43rd) Huh huh huh...Carl.

An ode to young drivers...

...to the tune of Elvis' "In the Ghetto"

As the teams race
In a story told that’s gettin’ real tired
A snot-nosed kid from sprints is hired
In the backwoods
And his owner sighs
’cause if there’s one thing the sport don’t need
It’s another punk kid with a crappy goatee
In the backwoods

Sponsors gotta understand
The elders need a helping hand
You don’t need to hire an angry young man today
Is the sponsor just a fool
For hirin’ such a tool
And fans opine
And say that he is gay…

As the season starts
And the kid with the ride who’s barely 19
Tries to run good but the times get lean
In the backwoods

And he gets pissed off
So he starts to take some chances yet
But all he seems to get
Is another bad wreck
In the backwoods

Then one night in deep frustration
The young man finally snaps
He wrecks a car, throws a punch,
Tries to recover, but he’s in a crunch
And his owner sighs

As a crowd turns against an angry young man
Whose only real crime was not bein’ bland
In the backwoods

And as ARCA calls,
In a story told that’s gettin’ real tired
A snot-nosed kid from sprints is hired
In the backwoods
And his owner sighs…

Phoenix "News" and Notes

--Rumors have Martin Truex Jr. leaving DEI after this season. If so, expect his Busch ride to be filled by someone tangentially associated to the team, ala Paul Menard and Michael Waltrip.
--After Ryan Newman lost control during his qualifying run, Rusty Wallace was seen "cackling like Kenny" according to one witness.
--NBC's new Sunday Night deal with the NFL has many wondering how it will affect Nascar. The answer? The rescheduling of a few races a couple hours early will surely KILL the sport.
--Phoenix is one of only four tracks that Jeff Gordon has not won on. Coincidentally, Phoenix is one of 22 tracks that Robby Gordon hasn't won on (including North Wilkesboro and Rockingham!)
--Jamie McMurray debuts his Home123 car this week. Home123, as the name suggests, is fake.

ODDS:
3:2--An announcer will mention that this is the first time Nascar is racing at Phoenix in the Spring.
5:1--An announcer will mention that this is the first time Nascar is racing so early under the lights.
100:1--An announcer will mention that this is the first time Nascar is racing on Passover.

Where Does the Money Go?

A (sometimes) weekly look at where all that sponsorship money goes to your favorite drivers.

THIS WEEK: Scott Wimmer, #22 Caterpillar “Dodge”

16% Ear wash and Q-tips.

13% Weight Gain 4000.

21% Flowers for wife.

18% Payoffs to Mike Skinner to complete community service obligations.

15% Buying time in wind tunnel.

16% Buying time on Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain.

1% Public Relations.

Bill Elliott Elected Pope

With throngs of well-wishers standing in St. Peter's Square, the head of the College of Cardinals emerged from the Bascillica with those most famous words, "We have a Pope". After just two days of deliberation, 1988 Winston Cup Champion Bill Elliott was overwhemingly elected to the papacy.
"This truly is a glorious day for the church, and the world", one onlooker explained. "Mr. Elliott has shown what he can do in a car, now its time to see what he can do as the pontiff."
Elliott was the heavy favorite going into the secretive conclave, having won numerous popularity votes over the years. Though the particulars of the voting are highly guarded, Vatican insiders supposed that Archbishop Scott Wilson of Dawsonville formally nomiated Elliott.
Crowds began gathering once pork-rind smoke began billowing out of the famed Bascillica chimney. After the announcement, Elliott greeted the crowd with his trademark grin.
"Aw, I'm just tickled to death to get this honor. I promise to serve the world and all my sponsors."
Elliott finished the day by announcing his new chosen name: Pope Awesome IX.

Mr. Mack's Wild Ride

Catch-all day

If you're new to the site, and I know a bunch of you are (I see you Floyd!) take some time to scroll through my old outdated articles. Its like viewing the 2005 season in reverse, but with less references to Junior.

Starting yesterday, I became a guest writer for www.catchfence.com. (Thanks Lois!) Well, my article (The Brian Vickers/Sin City one) was pretty well received, and Claire B. Lang read it on her XM Radio show! (Thanks Claire B.!) Needless to say, its pretty amazing that I've approached the minute level of recognition such luminaries as Bobby Hillin and That Guy who Ran on to the Track at Pocono have reached.

Also, if you haven't heard yet, www.thepitsonline.com is back! Doug's back to his old tricks with a cool new layout and a more reliable server. Remember, this is the first place my column appeared, so I owe him big!

Funnier stuff tomorrow.

Newman's Own

Hi, I'm Nascar driver Ryan Newman. You might have seen me in such films as "Nascar 3D: The IMAX Experience", "Alltel Ringtone Showcase of 2003", and "The Penske Training Video, v. 2.1." But most likely you know me from the track, where I burn rubber at over 180 mph. But now I'm ready to burn a searing hot hole through your hungry stomach, with Newman's Own Food Products.
Newman's Own are the only foodstuffs on the market made by me, Ryan Newman. Take our Creamy Italian salad dressing for instance--it starts off smooth, bringing you great performance from start to...start.
Or try our Malt Vinegar--it goes great on french fries*. Better yet, it works great at combating rust!
For an added kick, try my super-spicy hot sauces--they'll make your tounge roll over again and again and again and again...until you'll need a clean-up crew to put the fire out!
Most importantly, Newman's Own comes with a 100% guarentee to come in the most boring packaging imaginable! This way, you KNOW that all the money is going to charity.
So pick up some Newman's Own Food Products today--next to Bill Elliott's Awesome Pork Rinds and Jeff Burton's Colon-Blaster Laxative.

*--Only people from Maryland know the way this tastes!

Beyond Thirty Five

In honor of Greg Biffle, write this article on a Post-It

#4-Mike Wallace (finished 25th) Hey guys, your car always looks like Lucas paid to put their stickers on it Saturday night. Why don't you upgrade to a more colorful car?
#36-Boris Said (27th) Decent run for a guy who looks like Screech's evil twin.
#66-Hermie Sadler (29th) This is a great run for him. And yet, a 28th place run for his brother is a disappointment.
#91-Bill Elliott (33rd) Best run by a pork rind magnate.
#7-Robby Gordon (37th) Even when he doesn't blow an engine he sucks.
#18-Bobby Labonte (38th) Almost as bad as the Redskins. Almost.
#44-Terry Labonte (40th) Ugly run in an ugly car.
#09-Johnny Sauter (41st) From Webster's Dictionary sauter (SOW-ter) v. One who sauts n. One who exists solely to cause problems for Nascar (ex: Johnny Sauter is an idiot).

Wisconsin Legalizes Hunting of Junior Fans

In an attempt to curb their exploding population, the Wisconsin legislature approved a measure legalizing the hunting of Dale Earnhardt Jr. fans on Wednesday. This comes just days after an attempt to legalize the hunting of feral cats was shot down.
"The cats were one thing--we realized that shooting defenseless animals was cruel and pointless", explained state spokeswoman Sara Blanche. "However, the shooting of Junior fans makes much more sense--they tend to put up a good fight when they're loaded, plus there's so damn many of them."
The movement gained steam when a report came out earlier this month confirming that over 75% of Nascar fans are, in fact, Junior fans. Experts have pointed to depletions of Bud supplies, low levels of red dye reserves, and the clogging of sports radio airwaves as signs that the Junior fan population has gotten out of control.
Neighboring states are considering similar measures, especially after seeing an influx of Junior fans following the law's passing. Such laws do have precedence--in 1998 Tennessee tagged and neutered all Jeff Gordon fans, and a movement gained steam in the late-80's to migrate all Bill Elliott fans to rural Montana.

Texas "News" and Notes

--This week Nascar returns to the track that, at one point, was hated more than Rosie O'Donnell and pudding skin combined.
--Everyone wants to know: Who's going to be in the 6 car next year? I'd put my money on Joe Bessey, though Jimmy Means isn't out of the hunt yet.
--Ward Burton has said that he will only return to Nextel Cup, and only with a competitive team. Considering how well the NetZero team is doing without him, I guess beggers CAN be choosers.
--Nothing says good old American racing than a race sponsored by Samsung.
--Rumors abound that the government is ready to re-approve the sale of ephedra. As if Kenny Wallace wasn't hyper enough.

ODDS:
3:2--Darrell Waltrip will exclaim "Yee-haw" at some point during the race.
7:1--Someone will recognise an oil company exec and punch them in the stomach.
40:1--Troy Aikman will announce that Hall of Fame racing will be on the track before the next decade.

Famous Last Words

"How could anyone NOT like Kevin Harvick?"

"Its not a question of if Steve Park wins a championship, but how many."

"Yeah, right, Darlington's gonna lose the Southern 500."

"Johnny Benson is the next Mark Martin."

"Nobody will pay $80 for a race ticket."

"Can anyone stop Randy LaJoie? I think not!"

"C'mon, he's Richard Petty's son--how bad could he be?"

"Viagra as a sponsor? You've got to be kidding."

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Theater Presentation

Its time to celebrate the return of Douglas Ladd's The Pits online comic, the virtual crysalis from which The Outside Groove puated. That's right, to the tune of Elton John's "The Bitch is Back", its another song parody!!!
Its better than bad, it ain't no fad
A Nascar comic by Douglas Ladd
Unlike Track "chuckles" he's far from a hack
But we all started to wonder when The Pits'd get back

Lost his host, that couldn't stop him a bit
The wedding slowed him down he had to admit
All the readers say "Doug there's something to prove
And we're gettin so sick of The Outside Groove"

Its The Pits its The Pits
Oh The Pits is back
Three times weekly as a matter of fact
Its The Pits its the Pits
And its back on the net
So read all you get
There's no time to fret, oh oh oh

He entertains like Dave Despain
The internet gives him a total free reign
Stockcartoons is ok, but its just white and black
But we're in living color 'cause The Pits is Back!

Its The Pits its The Pits
Oh The Pits is back
Three times weekly as a matter of fact
Its The Pits its the Pits
And its back on the net
So read all you get
There's no time to fret, oh oh oh

Brian Vickers thrown out of Sin City

Apparently being one of Nascar's rising young stars won't get you out of showing ID.
Brian Vickers, one of the sport's youngest drivers, was denied admittance last weekend to a showing of the R-rated movie "Sin City" at a local movie theater.
"The youth tried to buy a ticket, and we asked him for ID", explained theater manager Scott Wilson. "When he couldn't produce a driver's license, he was turned away."
When informed of Vickers' excuse, that he had left the ID with the fat guy from the ditech.com ads, Wilson chuckled and responded "yeah, that was the fourth time I'd heard that that day."
Vickers then appeared to leave. However, he was seen shortly afterward attempting to sneak into the theater. An usher promptly threw Vickers out and officially banned him from the movieplex for six months.
"Sin City", the epic film from Robert Rodriguez, was rated R for its strong sexual content, graphic violence, explicit language, and non-stop nudity. As such, those under 17 (or those appearing under 17) have been turned away at theaters across the country.
Vickers was unavailable for comment, but teammate Jeff Gordon was willing to talk about the situation.
"Man, that sucks--Sin City was great, and the guy who played Marv was a BEAST!", explained Gordon. "Things have been tough for Brian--first Britny Gastineau turns him down, now this"

Beyond Thirty Five

A great week for the drivers outside the top 35! Here's at look at where they finished:

21-Ricky Rudd (finished 7th) ...and he didn't even have to tape his eyelids open!
7-Robby Gordon (21st) Menards engines...we do more under 100mph than most engines do over 150mph.
4-Mike Wallace (23rd) Morgan-McClure, for the record, refers to owners Larry Morgan and Troy McClure
37-Kevin Lepage (28th) Rumor has it that if he makes the top 35, everyone gets free Chubby Hubby.
66-Hermie Sadler (37th) Ugly run for an ugly car.
09-Johnny Sauter (41st) Even worse, he was paid by his sponsor in poker chips.
34-Randy LaJoie (42nd) Best finish by a full-bearded driver.
75-Mike Garvey (43rd) Mike Garvey is not my Padre.

100 Articles!!!

After a little over three months, a new job, and countless obscure references, The Outside Groove reaches its 100th article today! I wanted to sincerely thank all the readers and everyone who helped me start out, but then I realized that it wouldn't be very funny. So instead, here's my salute to you, in the style of a Mark Martin post-race interview.

"Wow...I am just...so BLESSED...to be writing for such an awesome website. I mean, to have the opportunity to do so...so many jokes, its unbelievable. Most of all I have to thank Doug Ladd for giving me my start. Without him, I don't know if The Outside Groove would be here today. Doug, I'd give you my spleen if you ever--EVER--needed it. I also gotta thank my sponsors--Google Adsense, you give me life. Blogger, without you, this website would be a mere glint in someone's eye. Driving Impressions, wow, you've done so much, you deserve an award. Thank you, so much, to everyone."

Happy 100!!!

Headlines From Hell Strike Back

Special ALL-PUN edition

Driver rolls out new pork product: Riggs' Pigs

Announcer publishes autobiography: "The Joy of Joy"

Endorsements reach new low with Biffleball set

Driver arrested for having women "Kiss the Blaney Stone"

Jack Arute sues Jackaroo

Mike Wallace meets Mike Wallace; neither recognize each other

and finally...

Ryan Newman to make cameo on Seinfeld; not aware of the joke

Reparations

As you might have read, last night Blogger was down for the night. As a result, I only could muster a paragraph of frivolity. So how will I make it up to you? I'll just do what Nascar did when Wendall Scott* won his first Cup race...I'll act like it never happened!

Martinsville "News" and Notes
--Its been said that Martinsville is like two dragstrips with hairpin turns at the ends. To prove this point, Kenny Wallace will attend this year's race is drag, complete with two hair pins.
--Look for short-track ace Rusty Wallace to have a decent shot at winning. Additionally, he has a decent shot to say Ryan Newman was the reason he didn't win if he doesn't.
--Many Nascar insiders are urging Shame Hmeil to stay away from this week's Cup race. Not to avoid Dale Jarrett, just to avoid another 35th place finish.
--Martinsville, aka "The Paperclip", is said to be one of the favorite tracks of Jimmy Spencer, aka "The Paperweight".
--Rumors persist that the Cal Wells #32 team is not out of business, but all evidence points to the contrary.
ODDS
EVEN--An announcer will make a stupid joke about the Martinsville hot dogs.
5:1--Kurt Busch will be taken out of a purple velvet bag before Sunday's race.
30:1--Kevin Harvick will make it through the weekend without somehow screwing up all he did right last week.

*That's WENDELL Scott, not Willard Scott.

Dang ol technology

Blogger's been acting up tonight, so I lost an entire semi-funny article I'd written a few minutes ago. If only I'd hit the copy button, or put it in Word first. Jeez, working so hard only to have everything blow up in my face...I feel like Robby Gordon.

Slow Slogans

Race tracks have used various slogans to promote their racing over the years--some more effective than others. The Outside Groove has preformed a service for these mega-corporations by weeding out the worst ones:

Michigan--'cause when you think of Nascar, you think of Brooklyn

Pocono? Poke OH YES!

Kars...Kraziness...Kansas

Las Vegas Motor Speedway--100% mob-funded...guarenteed

God Blessed Texas with 2 Nextel Cup Dates*

Richmond, poor man, everyone's welcome at RIR!

What's more intense than race fever? Dover Downs Syndrome!!!

*--note: this was an actual quote from Texas Motor Speedway Prez Eddie Gossage. Most likely it was meant to be read as "Francis Ferko blessed Texas with 2 Cup Dates." I doubt God has enough time in his day to line Bruton Smith's pockets any further.

The Undercard's Main Event

(Special Guest Announcer Michael Buffer)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the historic Martinsvilllllllle Speedway for the fight...of the century--are you ready? I said, racing fans, are...you...rrrrrrrrrrready?!?

Racing out of the red corner, weighing in at zero career Busch Series wins, fighting out of Mooresville North Carolina. He is being escorted to the ring by a sedated Anna Nicole Smith. He is the "Mule for the 'Fuel", the "Cussin' Carolinian", and "Mr. Mysterious Suspension"!...ladies and gentlemen, SHANE "BRING THE PAAAAIN" HMEEEEEEIL!!!

And racing out of the brown corner, weighing in at 11 career Busch Series wins, fighting out of Charlotte North Carolina. He is the undeFEATed, undisssssPUTEd, 1999 Winston Cup Champppppion! He is...DALE "THE BROWN BOMBERRRR" JARRRRRETT!

And now, for the thousands of fans in attendence, the millions watching around the world, and those smart enough to TiVo this race...ladies and gentlemen...LLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLE...PAPERCLIP STYLE!"

Nascar Fan March Madness--Semifinal Results

As the Final Four fans stormed towards the championship, we got two great battles this week. Here's the results:

(Numbers mean seeding, winners in bold)
8. The Wanderer vs. 12. The Arteest--The melancholy marauders sustained a hard-fought contest from The Arteest, who was stymied by his own ethics in trying to make fun of the former Earnhardt fans. The Wanderer, nearly broke a year ago from Earnhardt Legacy Series merchandise, rolled into the finals, their comeback nearly comeplete.

2. Old School vs. 3. New School--The sport's hottest rivalry went into double overtime, but it was the stamina and passion of New School that overtook Old School's vastly superior knowledge. Old School sulked off the court, murmuring something about David Pearson, while New School rushed home to brag about their victory on the message boards.

Who will win in the finals?!? You'll have to wait until...ah, screw it lets do it RIGHT NOW!

Nascar Fan March Madness--THE CHAMPIONSHIP
8. The Wanderer vs. 3. New School--New school takes the crown! It didn't come easy, as The Wanderer was infuriated by New School's reference to Dale Earnhardt as "Junior's dad". New School was just too powerful, however, overtaking The Wanderer in numbers and size. Congratulations to New School, the 2005 Nascar Fan March Madness Champions!!!

Beyond Thirty Five

How those drivers outside the top 35 in points who DID make the race (shame on you Brad Teague!) fared today:

#44-Terry Labonte (finished 18th) Best Beyond Thirty Five finish by a driver not from Vermont.
#50-Jimmy Spencer (21st) You are a sad, bitter old man Jimmy.
#66-Hermie Sadler (32nd) Apparetnly James Ince was making a difference.
#4-Mike Wallace (34th) Great run for a team scraping to stay in business...but it still doesn't erase the memory of the Mike Skinner hiring.
#11-Jason Leffler (38th) I thought every day was race day? Was this an exception?
#08-Shane Hmiel (40th) True fact: someone else also has rights to the number 08, which is why Hmeil is listed in the standings as 108. Knowing inane trivia like this also explains why I don't have a girlfriend.
#92-Stanton Barrett (41st) Don't give up the stunt driving career, Stan.
#00-Carl Long (42nd) Huh huh huh...his name's "Long" huh huh.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Theater Presentation

“Racin’ in Bristol”
(sung to the snappy tune of "Walkin' in Memphis")

Put on my Junior hat
And I got in my car
Got stuck in a traffic jam
People here from near and far
Alan Kulwicki, won’t you look down on me
Yeah I got a nosebleed ticket
But I’m happy as a boy can be

Then I'm Racin’ in Bristol
Waited on a ten year waiting list
Racin’ in Bristol
Gonna watch some drivers get real pissed

Saw the ghost of DW
Oh wait he’s still alive
Short track kings come and go
But Jaws’ record, it was no jive
He won a buncha races
He was a champ, a legend a star
But it was this track that gave him the ultimate:
A special Action car

He was Racin’ in Bristol
Waited on a ten year waiting list
Racin’ in Bristol
Gonna watch some drivers get real pissed

We got Rusty for the last time
Risin’ above the din
And the old guys still like to pick him
They say he’s gonna win…
He’s gotta shot in Bristol

Now Kurt’s been dominating
And Junior’s been runnin’ well too
Gordon’s great (but he’s great everywhere)
But tell me is this true…
“Could I get a hotel room?”
I asked the local guy
And he said --
"Tell me are you a Sterling fan?"
And I said "Dang ol mang I am tonight”

We were Racin’ in Bristol
Waited on a ten year waiting list
Racin’ in Bristol
Gonna watch some drivers get real pissed

SPECIAL MID-DAY UPDATE--My First FAQ!

(Note--this isn't today's only article, there will be the usual attempt at frivolity tonight)

I've been getting lots of comments/emails/telegrams about the status of The Pits Online. Unfortunately, I have NO info on what's happened to it. I'll post any info I hear/read/absorb ASAP.

Bristol “News” and Notes

--Kurt Busch returns to try for a 4th win in the Bristol spring race, thus becoming the most unpopular Bristol dominator since Darrell Waltrip.
--Most drivers spent last week attending church services, sitting down for family dinners, and realizing (after a 5 hour conversation about forgetting to take out the trash) that they should’ve gone to Nashville.
--ppc Racing and driver John Andretti announced that they will cut back their race schedule this year. However, expect them to return to racing, then cut back again, quit entirely, then go on the patch.
--Speed’s new Nascar pre-pre-race show has well-established roles for their hosts: John Roberts is the leader, Kenny Wallace is the jovial expert, and Jimmy Spencer is the decrepit old has-been.
--Actually, Jimmy’s more of a never-was.
--In this year’s biggest shocker, Peak Fitness Racing is NOT out of business.
ODDS:
4:1—You’ll realize that the failure to copy this track is Nascar’s biggest mistake of the modern era.
9:2—Fox will miss a key pass while they’re at commercial.
100:1—Fox will miss a meaningless fight between two middle-of-the-pack drivers.