The Undercard's Main Event

(Special Guest Announcer Michael Buffer)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the historic Martinsvilllllllle Speedway for the fight...of the century--are you ready? I said, racing fans, are...you...rrrrrrrrrrready?!?

Racing out of the red corner, weighing in at zero career Busch Series wins, fighting out of Mooresville North Carolina. He is being escorted to the ring by a sedated Anna Nicole Smith. He is the "Mule for the 'Fuel", the "Cussin' Carolinian", and "Mr. Mysterious Suspension"!...ladies and gentlemen, SHANE "BRING THE PAAAAIN" HMEEEEEEIL!!!

And racing out of the brown corner, weighing in at 11 career Busch Series wins, fighting out of Charlotte North Carolina. He is the undeFEATed, undisssssPUTEd, 1999 Winston Cup Champppppion! He is...DALE "THE BROWN BOMBERRRR" JARRRRRETT!

And now, for the thousands of fans in attendence, the millions watching around the world, and those smart enough to TiVo this race...ladies and gentlemen...LLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLE...PAPERCLIP STYLE!"