As Seen in "The Oblongs"

Here's a brief recap of Fox's rain delay coverage:

Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights We kid because we care Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights Talladega Nights

Talladega "News" and Notes

Fans plan to raise three fingers in the air on the third lap, in honor of Dale Earnhardt. Scientists are hard at work on genetic mutations that will allow a tribute to Richard Petty.

The 09 team is switching to a Ford this week. This could boost the team's performance all the way to 29th.

Elliott Sadler is rumored to be looking for a new ride. Given the moves by Kurt Busch and Jamie McMurray, he might want to start looking for a ride after that ride as well.

This week's Busch race was almost run without a full field. Thank goodness Chad Chaffin has absolutely nothing better to do.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. will be starting a second Busch Series team later this year. I smell diecast! No, really, I do--its that metal-y smell.

ODDS
2:1 More than an hour will be dedicated to the DEI special paint schemes (if Budweiser is a sponsor on Fox).
3:1 Less than five mintes will be dedicated to the DEI special paint schemes (if Budweiser is not a sponsor on Fox).
25:1 You'll realize, "312? 499?!? Who ARE these people?!?"

Waltrips Honored by Cat Fanciers Association

Former Nascar driver Darrell Waltrip and former Dale Earnhardt Jr. drafting partner Michael Waltrip were honored today for their tireless efforts to promote cat ownership in the United States.
"These fine middle-aged men have done so much for us since moving to Fox", said Cat Fanciers of America Chairwoman Sara Scott. "By mentioning our fine furry friends so much on the air, they truly know the joy of owning the world's most arrogant animals."
The elder Waltrip, best known for his association with the Tabasco corporation, was on hand to accept the award.
"These cats, they know about cats", said Waltrip, covered in Toyota logos and car dander. "I myself have two cats of my own: Cat, and Cat. I love my cats almost as I love that Cat cat, Dave Blaney."
Michael Waltrip was unavailable for the press conference, as he was being held hostage by Kyle Petty. However, he did give the following statement: "Napa Domino's Cat Toyota Cat my life is a living hell."
Darrell Waltrip accepted the prize on his brother's behalf: A 10-foot tall statue of Morris the Cat, presented by Talladega's Official Cat Lady of Nascar. The Cat Lady, when asked for comment, reponded, "Gettheheckouttamylawnyoupunksaougaioudofuidoiuf."

Commercial Analysis

Yep, I'm on a commercial kick this week. Lets take a look at the recently mentioned Kevin Harvick/Tony Kanaan Reeses Caramel ad:

The music sounds quite porn-ish, circa 1978. Bonus points for the music "stings" that go with the drivers names, which give it a Batman feel ("Pow! Bang! Toyota!")

What's Kevin listening to on his head-phones? My guess is either "She Bangs" by William Hung or "Its All Coming Back to Me" by Celine Dion.

Why the hell is Tony Kanaan walking around with an open jar of carmel? And furthermore, why is he saying "mmm...caramel" into his cellphone? Danica Patrick gets to look hot in Peak ads, and Tony gets to look REALLY creepy.

Is it just me, or does Tony Kanaan look like an atrophied Vin Diesel?

After they bump into one another, you just know that if this was real life, Kevin would beat the crap out of whoever got in his way. Unless it was Greg Biffle, in which case he'd shoot him.

Sadly, this is the most exposure any male IRL driver will get on TV this year. But its not all bad for open wheel racing--several CART drivers found work as grips on the set.

More Commercials I Remember

Rusty Wallace, Miller Lite: "RUS-TEEE, GOING BACK IN TIIIIME...ThereHeGoes!" Simple as can be, and a smart way to get around fuzzy laws about whether active athletes can talk in commercials. Then again, pity that poor, poor animal he killed--word is Jeremy Mayfield had to scrape it off the pit road.

FitzBradshaw Guys, Supercuts: Seen ad nauseum during NBS 24/7, it featured Casey Atwood, Tim Fedewa, and Terry Bradshaw. Of course, they were STILL showing it after Atwood and Fedewa had left, leaving Terry as the only relevant one there. For a barbershop. Which led to this exchange:
Me: "Well, at least Terry's still there."
My Dad: "And he's bald."

Kyle Petty, Kendall Motor Oil: Kyle compares various oils to Kendall, including Quaker State, which was promoting itself at the time as "smart oil". Kyle then asks the Quaker State, "What's 2 + 2?" To which the oil replies, "Uhhh...". Dude--the oil can TALK! That's pretty damn smart!

Bill Elliott, Reese's: Awesome Bill shows how he eats a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup--by sitting on his chair reading a magazine, then getting a pit stop. Here's the thing--its HIS FACE on the magazine cover. Jeez, Bill--how many times do you have to read about setting the qualifying record at Talladega?

Jeremy Mayfield, Dodge: "Hey, Jer-e-my!" This nickname became my family's unofficial nickname for the man in the crew cut. Also gets bonus points for letting the girl sit in the front, instead of the bulldogs.

NEWEST ENTRY! Kevin Harvick (and Tony Kanaan), Reese's: Hey you've got your peanut butter etc. I get it, its hokey. But here's my question: Why is there 70's porno music playing in the background? "Hey, Tony--wanna put your peanut butter in my caramel?"

Commercials I Remember

When you wake up at 3am to go to work, and then stay up till 9pm, your mind begins to wander...to thoughts of the past (and arson). To quell my pyromanical fantasies, here's some Nascar commercials I'll always remember:

Terry Labonte & Ricky Craven, Quaker State: Pretty standard commercial in which Terry tells Ricky to stay behind him and use Quaker State...because if he stays behind him, he can't win! Get it?!? This commercial always stuck with me for one simple reason--Terry's line "You-you take this oil". Terry's stammering leads to two possibilities--that his "stutter step" was the best take they had, or he follows the Sinatra method of acting ("one take and I'm done, Dino").

Mark Martin, Hardee's: Once again, pretty standard, with Mark driving off a generic track (Caraway, perhaps?), going through the drive-thru, eating his burger outside his car, then returning to the track. What makes this one stand out is the total lack of dialogue, complimented by the "squishy-crunchy" Foley sound effects of Mark eating his burger. Mark also has a strangely contemplative look on his face as he eats, perhaps wondering, "Does the soul superceed the natural state, thus leaving those on the human plane unfulfilled", or "If all is art, does this make the Dadaist movement irrelevant, which would make it, in effect, Dada", or "Damnit, they forgot the napkins AGAIN".

Richard Petty, KFC: The King's in a tough race, only to reveal that its in a simulator in a KFC. Besides wondering why anyone would like to touch a video game covered in grease, this commercial also features the classic line, from Richard to a kid "I'm retired...UH-GEEIN". Quite possibly the King's most memorable quote, besides that time on Real Sports where he said "colored".

Any commercial with a team owner in it: From Richard Childress showing off his Featherlite Pimp Pad, to Rick Hendrick explaining why he's declared a holy war on friction, you gotta have a HUGE ego to think anyone would want to see the driver's boss.

Dancing Guys, Nextel: Doesn't have any drivers, but was shown incessantly during races, and featured a character with my name! "And nobody knows where Mackler is!"

Phoenix "News" and Notes

Kyle Busch has the pole for Saturday Night's race, proving that age-old axiom--chirp your tires at a KFC, and you'll run well at the flat 1-mile tracks.

The hot new rumor has a manufacturer pulling out of Nascar. I can't be sure, but I'm pretty sure you won't be hearing from Nash anymore.

Jayski's weekly tv ratings headline reads: "Final Texas TV Ratings Mixed". This constitutes the only time that Nascar's fanbase has been described as "mixed".

Ken Schrader will be running four races at three different tracks this weekend. No word on whether he managed to fit in time to run the Nextel Cup race.

Jeremy Mayfield managed to race his way into the field, thus saving Evernham Motorsports the embaressment of having one of their teams miss a race. I mean, how bad would THAT be?!?

ODDS
EVEN--A cactus will be shown at least 10 times during commerical bumpers.
10:1--Kurt Busch's first "pitch" at the D-backs game will be used to comedic effect during the pre-race.
100:1--Busch will flip out on Chris Myers, followed by Jeff Hammond giving Busch a DDT, then his finisher, the "Hollywood Hot-HELL"

Juice Motorsports Names Waltrip, Cowlings as Drivers

As reported here in September of last year, O.J. Simpson has started a race team--a move that has left the worlds of Nascar, football, and crime on pins and bloody gloves waiting to see who the driver will be. That announcement came today, with Simpson naming Darrell Waltrip and A.C. Cowlings drivers for the 2007 debut season.
"We here at Juice Motorsports are proud to bring such a legendary driver on board--and we've got D.W. too!", explained a jubilant Simpson at a press conference from his Miami condo. "If Dan Marino, Terry Bradshaw, and Joe Washington have taught me anything, its that racing is killer for ex-football players!"
Simpson went on to explain that the team will follow the pattern of Hall of Fame Motorsports, sped up about 20 years. Waltrip will run the first five races, taking advantage of his past champions provisional, while Cowlings will finish out the schedule.
"This cat really knows what he's doing", said Waltrip, "with my past champion's provisional and Toyota connections, we can't lose! We're gonna be bigger than Waltrip-land, my new theme park--and its pretty big! Plus, A.C. gets us under the Drive for Diversity umbrella, though I heard Brian (France) say something about changing it."
Simpson said no progress had been made on sponsorship, though as an unsponsored team, Lucas Oil automatically will pay them money. Additionally, Simpson will reportedly melt down his NFL MVP trophy for lugnuts.
Cowlings was not present, but did release the following statement: "This is A.C.--YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS, DAMNIT!"

Baseball and Nascar--A Fractured Relationship

Throughout history, Nascar has had two constants--lots and lots of white people, and catastrophic relationships with the sport of baseball. Don't remember 'em all? Lets take a look back:

Yesterday--Kurt Busch feebly throws out the first pitch at a Diamondbacks game, resembling Mitch Williams on acid. However, he DID manage to avoid pulverizing a small bird.

2005--Jeff Gordon draws the ire of Cubs fans when, during the 7th-inning stretch, he refers to "Wrigley Stadium", forgets the words to "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", and realizes that he never had a childhood.

2000--Dale Earnhardt purchases the Piedmont Boll Weevils, changing the team's name to the Kannapolis Intimidators. To date, the boll weevil boycot of GM remains in effect.

1995--During the baseball strike, Darrell Waltrip attempts to make the roster of the Atlanta Braves as a scab player. Though excellent in tryouts, Waltrip strangely hung around when the strike ended, making many wonder if he'd hung on too long in the sport he once excelled at.

1989--Pete Rose leaves a black mark on sports, still present till this day, when he sells his haircut to Bobby Labonte to pay off old gambling debts. Mike Schmidt defends him.

1983--The Orioles win the World Series. 23 years of losing and frustration follow, embittering local fan Mike Mackler so much, that he creates a cynical and sarcastic Nascar website.

1975--Sports writers roundly ignore Richard Petty's torrid run through the 70's, as they are too busy rhapsodizing about Willie Mays falling in the Shea Stadium center field.

1959--The New York Yankess somehow manage to win the Nascar Grand National Championship.

Parody or Rip-off?

The Outside Groove salutes...Real Fans of Weirdness

Real Fans of Weirdness

Today we salute you, Mister Still-a-Richard-Petty-Fan

Mister Still-a-Richard-Petty-Fan

You're still the 7-time champ's biggest fan, and you haven't let a little thing like retirement slow you down

Gone for 12 years

You still go to the races, in the seats you've had since 1971, rooting for the 43, even though you can't remember who drives it

Think its John Andretti

For you, time stopped in the 70's, when real men wore shades, cowboy hats, and gigantic belt-buckles

His son had an afro

So keep on going, oh Sage of the Superbird, because when it comes to nostalgia, you'll always be our King

Mister Still-a-Richard-Petty-Fan

Elliott Sadler Declares for NBA Draft

Following a slew of young players entering the world of pro baskeball, Elliott Sadler has announced his intent to declare for this year's NBA Draft.
Sadler, who has little collegiate basketball experience, has attracted some attention for his performance in various charity basketball tournaments. Furthermore, his hair bears a striking resemblence to Steve Nash.
"The NBA has always been my dream", explained Sadler, flanked by a large "entourage" of hunting dogs. "To improve my chances as a first-round pick, I will be changing my name to Elliottska Sadlerkovich and growing a wispy mustache."
Sadler had discussed entering the draft several times before, but was stymied by the NBA's new eligiability requirements. Sadler was forced to wait until his high school class graduated, which, since located in rural Virginia, required several years of repeating pre-calculus for most students.
"My career seemed to be over once my back gave out at James Madison", continued Sadler, "but it seems that those wrecks at Talladega snapped it back into place. Because of Nascar, I can play basketball again--kinda the opposite of Brad Daughtery, I guess."
In a related story, Dale Jarrett has hinted at a tryout for the PGA Champions Tour.

Public Service Announcement

"Hello, I'm Kyle Busch, driver of the #5 Kellogg's Chevy Monte Carlo SS...that's SS, remember that. You probably know me from my recent 'Focus on Driving Campain', a multi-facted program aiming to elminate the danger of Michael Waltrip. However, I'm here to talk to you today about something far more important than safety--personal responsibility to one's cultural background.
"Recently, I was pulled over by a police officer for squealing my tires near a Richmond, Virginia KFC. Now, I knew from experience to treat our law enforcement officers with the utmost respect, KURT. However, what I had already done was damage enough. You see, I am, by birth, a person from the South (yes, Las Vegas counts as the South). My involvement in Nascar only strengthens my bond to my roots. And that's why I should've had eternal vigilance before doing what I did--giving in to cultural stereotypes.
"I mean, come on--a young guy, squealing his tires with his friends at night? Outside a KFC?!? How much more stereotypical can you get than that. Well, I guess I could've been listening to rap that was popular 4 years ago and had a horrible paint job on my rental car, but that's beside the point. What I did that night was re-enforce the negative stereotype of the redneck wannabe. Luckily, I wasn't driving an orange Dodge Neon, and I didn't use my iced tea to 'pour one on the curb'.
"I hope that you will learn from my mistakes--don't give the northern elite another excuse to mock us (Ryan Newman, I'm looking in your direction). Thank you and good night."

JAYSKI GREEN IS PEOPLE!

Green to Run Soylent Paint Scheme? Update 2 YEP: Hearing that Jeff Green could be running a paint scheme for a new energy bar sometime soon, possibly at Richmond (4-4-06). UPDATE Hearing that its for Soylent Green, a new product from Soylent Copr (4-10-06). UPDATE 2 Jeff Green will be running a Soylent Green paint scheme at Darlington this Spring. Soylent Green, from the makers of Soylent Red and Soylent Yellow (a Jayski Fave), is a new high-engery protein food, to be distributed by the government (Haas PR) (4-14-06).
See an image on my Paint Scheme Page.

Nascar DC

After a half-week in the nation's captiol, here's where Nascar managed to come into play:

--Despite it being in their possession, the Smithsonian Museum of American History did not have Richard Petty's 200th win car on display. Must've failed inspection.

--Here's a word of advice--when a paunchy, white-haired man in his late-50's is talking to his wife at the bar, and the Masters is on TV, that still means that he's watching the Masters. God forbid he catches a glimpse of Nascar on TV! (Then again, that image of Kasey Kahne in a cowboy hat WAS disconcerting).

--A bus-stop near my hotel featured a pet adoption advertisement featuring Greg Biffle. Because when I think of the National Guard, I think of furry little domesticated animals.

--I stayed away from eating at Subway while I was in DC. Because when I think of the meat in a Subway sub, I think of furry little domesticated animals.

--Outside the Holocost Museum, I saw a guy wearing a Robby Gordon Cingular hat. When I asked him if he was a fan, he replied that he really wasn't, and that he only had the hat since his daughter dates a guy on RCR. She can't be dating someone too high on the Childress totem pole, however, if she's getting merchandise from 2004.

--Comcast Sports Net, the local sports channel, is broadcast round-the-clock outside the Verizon Center. As a result, I walked by the Arena Tuesday Night and caught a story on Dale Earnhardt Jr. Junior, basketball, and DC's Chinatown--its a winning combination!

Entertainment and Sports Programming Network...TO THE XTREEEME!

In a recent interview, ESPN head honcho George Bodenheimer said that, in reference to Nascar, "...We're looking to take this property and blow it out, if you will." Here's some of the ways ESPN is planning to blow Nascar out, if you will:

--You know that great side-by-side coverage they use for IRL? The technology that doesn't make you miss parts of the race for commercials? Not gonna happen in Nascar!

--Bristol, Tennessee moved to Bristol, Connecticut.

--Hot, sexy sideline reporters like Ed Werder.

--"Ski Chip" distributed to cable subscribers to block out Jayski's television appearences.

--Stuart Scott to be featured in Nascar commercial: "Nascar, how you have you got it...BOO-YAH! HOLLA! I...I don't feel right about this."

--Got a rain-delayed race? Not gonna end till 2am or later? Boys, bring in Steve Levy.

--Veteran IRL driver to be brought in to provide color commentary.

--Really, REALLY creepy interview of Erin Crocker by Brent Musberger..."I think applications to the Betty Crocker cooking school just went up".

--Four words that every Nascar fan has waited to hear: THE DOCTOR IS BACK.

Off-Half-Week

I'll be outta town the next few days, so updates may be few and far between till Wednesday. Until then, try to figure out this video I found of Dave Despain speaking his mind (Warning: Contained Bleeped Profanity)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hs4nKTYVzKE&search=nascar

Texas "News" and Notes

For today's IROC race, Fox was forced to shut down their overhead cameras due to high winds. As a result, the only threat on the track was the presence of open-wheel racers.

Clint Bowyer on Fox: "Clint...Bowyer, driver of the DirecTV Chevy with a good run today".
Clint Bowyer on ESPN: "Phat run today for Clint BOO-YEAH! Hollah!"

Greg Biffle runs a Subway/Little League paint scheme this week. And even if he doesn't win, Jack Roush will buy him ice cream as long as he tries his best and has fun.

Terry Labonte makes his first run of the year...in the #44 car, in his last season...last season of any kind, that is.

Despite local protests, SMI will NOT rename the race the Troy Aikman Lovefest 500 Presented by Roger Staubach is Awesome.

Kurt Busch makes his Busch Series debut this weekend in the 39 Penske Truck Leasing car. The Penske File...gotta get started on that Penske File.

ODDS
5:1 Tony Raines will be interviewed for the first (and only) time this season during the pre-race.
12:1 News of Bobby Labonte's STP car will make the broadcast.
1200:1 News of Ryan Newman's purple car will make the broadcast.

DirecTV Comparison

Sunday: The top rookie in today's DIRECTV 500 is Clint Bowyer, driver of the DIRECTV 07 Chevy. Clint loves his DIRECTV and uses it watch the DIRECTV Pre-race show before the DIRECTV 500 on Fox, presented by DIRECTV...

Wednesday (From FoxSports.com): "Clint Almquist, a mechanic on rookie Clint Bowyer's team, was suspended by NASCAR on Wednesday for a rules violation at Martinsville Speedway. NASCAR said Almquist did not place racing fuel in the designated collection area on one occasion during Sunday's event. Almquist, who was placed on probation until June 7, won't be allowed to accompany the team this weekend to Texas Motor Speedway. Crew chief Gil Martin was fined $2,500 because NASCAR said he is responsible for Almquist's actions."

Notice anything different?

The Outside Groove's Paint Scheme Site

2006 Busch Series Paint Schemes

If you do not SEE a image here....I do not have it

#99 Aaron's/Snakes on a Plane "Dodge" - layout

From Sony marketing; supposed to run at IRP this August (4-5-2006)

Michael Waltrip to Run "Snakes on a Plane" Paint Scheme

Continuing a tradition of promoting such movies as Herbie: Fully Loaded, Bad News Bears, and Cursed, a new movie will be using Nascar to promote itself--the highly anticipated "Snakes on a Plane" starring Samuel L. Jackson. The film deals with a criminal who, in an escape attempt, deploys snakes...on a plane.
Sony, the studio behind the film, reached an agreement with Aaron's and Michael Waltrip Racing to run a special paint scheme promoting the movie later this year. This marks the 68th company to align themselves with Waltrip.
Wilson Scott, Director of Motorsports Marketing for Aaron's, was elated about the cross-promotional opportunities. "We plan to have at least 100 snakes in the car for the race, continuing the great tradition of animals in cars started by Tim Flock. Additionally, Mikey--I can call ya Mikey, right?--will wrestle a 30-foot boa constrictor during each pit stop."
The brand extentions don't stop there, though, according to Waltrip. "I'll just elated to be running the Aaron's Snake Machine this year. And Aaron's definately did the math on this one--with my brother announcing, I'll get the most TV time of any non-Earnhardt affiliated driver!"
Scott continued, "Our relationship with Sony doesn't stop at the race track. Mikey--I love that nickname--will make a cameo in the movie as 'passenger #78'. Furthermore, a scene has been added at our request where the flight crew discusses the advantages of lease-to-own economics."
Jackson, star of "Juice" and "Deep Blue Sea", was not present at the press conference. However, he did release a statement, stating, "THEY DESERVE TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!"

A Recap of Yesterday's Race Coverage

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DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV DirecTV

Special Guest Villain: Carl Edwards

On Monday Night, Carl Edwards takes a break from his busy schedule of Office Depot appearences and swim meets to guest star on the hit Fox drama "24". The Outside Groove obtained an advance copy of this episode--here's what you can expect:

--To work in his signature back-flip, Carl appears as a rookie FBI agent, going undercover as Tyler Walker.

--Carl was warned several times that if he refers to Dennis Haysbert as "Pedro Cerrano", even by mistake, he'll be savagely beaten by Corbin Bernsen.

--William Devane? Pinko commie (also the star of "Phenom"!)

--Carl was given the chance to speak with Keifer Sutherland, star of 24. However, every question Carl asked was answered with "gravitas".

--Elisha Cuthbert could've been yours, Carl, but NOOOO, you had to go for the swimmer!

--To further appeal to Nascar fans, the show will be renamed "Jeff Gordon" for the evening.

--As with all episodes, it is shown in real time, meaining that an hour goes by in show time for each hour episode. Nascar, meanwhile, goes by in fake time, which makes a four hour race seem like four days.

Nursery Rhymes

The American populous was shocked to wake up this morning to this story on Jayski.com:

Herman and Spencer to open Garden Center: NASCAR drivers and TV analysts Jimmy Spencer and Kenny Wallace are opening of their SpenWall Acres Garden Center on Poplar Tent Rd, in Concord NC this May. The garden center, which will be open year-round, will become one of the largest and most complete nurseries in the entire region.

OK, lets take a deep breath, and analyze this bizzare piece of news--

--Apparently its appropriate to use obscure nicknames to describe a driver in a news story, but ONLY if he's a nice guy (that's why we didn't see "Herman and Mr. Excitement" in the title).

--SpenWall? Could they have possibly come up with a blander name? I guess Jimmy won out, or it would've been CerAce.

--SpennnnnWall Acres its the place to be. Plannnnnt growin' is the life for me. Growing flowers in the country-side. We wouldn't be doin' this if we both had a ride.

--A tent made out of poplars? THAT should be the story.

--Growing flowers. Yes, that's what we've come to in Nascar--people accuse drivers of being gay all the time, but something truly effeminine comes along and nobody calls them on it.