Sportswriters--They Care!

Hey there, Nascar fan! Unless you're an Ernie Irvan fan, you know your driver will usually treat you with respect, good nature, and dignity. But what about the messengers of the sport--the Nascar sports writers? What do THEY think about you? Well, lets take a look at a recent Marty Smith article from ESPN.com on Nascar fans and see!

"His face is pressed between the bars of a wrought-iron fence like a child..."

"...wristband boy is darting around...like a gnat at the picnic table"

"...Gnat King Cole starts boxing out like Dennis Rodman..."

"...the look on his face is utterly priceless, somewhat akin to Will Farrell's* mug in 'Old School'"

"Very loud -- both audibly and in appearance..."


See! Marty treats the fans with disdain, judgement and superiority. Always remember--the 80 lb. failed novelist with the 1997 haircut? He's BETTER than you!

Sportswriters--They Care!


*He must be related to Perry

Kurt Busch...a Retrospective

In his career, Kurt Busch has done alot of things. Lets take a look back at the general fan reaction to them:

1. Starts winning: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

2. Calls out Jimmy Spencer: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

3. Gets beaten up by Jimmy Spencer: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

4. Wins the Nextel Cup Championship: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

5. Gets pulled over at Phoenix: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

6. Has his ears pinned back....literally: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

7. Goes to Penske: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

8. Runs into a burning building in Las Vegas, saving a family of 7, three adorable puppies, and Wayne Newton: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

9. Goes to Afghanistan, hunts down Osama bin Laden, kills him with nothing more than a shoe, three spoons, and a picture of Rusty Wallace: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

10. Grows a goatee: "Man, that Kurt Busch is pretty cool!"

Winter of my Discontent

With Homestead over, and the banquet too horrifying to imagine, we've reached that part of the year when there just isn't that much to write about. So, much like Furniture Row Racing, I'm going to be writing a bit less over the next two months--more like every other day. Unless, of course, my musical idea comes to fruition. WHY, OH WHY wasn't I born a prodigy?!?

Now Playing...

(Spooky wind sound FX)

Movie Trailer Guy: In a world...

Bob Jenkins: ...and with the Hendrick-Roush-Penske merger complete, the sport is now controlled by three middle-aged car dealers.

MTG: ...where a sport is in danger...

Brian France: (sitting in a dimly-lit office with Mike Helton) Our sport is dying. If we don't act now, they'll destroy everything my forefathers built. That's MY job.

Mike Helton: Maybe its time we called in a special agent.

Brian France: You mean double-oh--

Buckshot Jones: (barging in): Didja call for me Mr. H!?!

MH: For the last time, Roy--NO. Now get back to sweeping the floors.

BF: Anyways, do you mean James Bond?

MH: Uh, I already tried him, apparently he only works for McLaren. We'll have to get his American counterpart.

BF: You mean...

MH: (smiling) Yeah...

MTG: This Thanksgiving...Clint Bowyer IS Single-Oh Seven IN...A Shot of Jack.

BF: He's our only shot.

MH: ...on the rocks, heh heh.

BF: Heh heh...I don't get it, Mike.

MTG: Rated R for graphic nudity--in theaters now.

The Outside Groove Preview in Review

At the beginning of the year, I picked the finishing order of the 2006 drivers points. Lets take a look at how I did:

Pos. My Pick Result
1 24 Wrong
2 20 Wrong
3 48 Wrong
4 12 Wrong
5 99 Wrong
6 8 Wrong
7 5 Wrong
8 38 Wrong
9 25 Wrong
10 19 Wrong
11 9 Wrong
12 26 Wrong
13 16 RIGHT!!!
14 6 Wrong
15 88 Wrong
16 2 RIGHT!!!
17 41 Wrong
18 40 Wrong
19 17 Wrong
20 01 Wrong
21 55 Wrong
22 43 Wrong
23 42 Wrong
24 31 Wrong
25 1 Wrong
26 10 Wrong
27 11 Wrong
28 29 Wrong
29 22 Wrong
30 18 Wrong
31 07 Wrong
32 14 Wrong
33 21 Wrong
34 45 Wrong
35 66 Wrong
36 49 Wrong
37 32 Wrong
38 96 Wrong
39 7 Wrong
40 4 Wrong
41 78 Wrong
42 61 Wrong

In the words of Benny Parsons, "Wow." I got two right! This should be a reason to celebrate. Unfortunately, I also said that, "Last year, I got zero picks right. This year, I guarentee to DOUBLE that!" With my guarentee falling through, I got two right and still managed to be wrong. Now I know how Brian France feels.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "She's Gone" by the seminal 90's grunge-metal band, Hall & Oats:

We’ve been together here since the 80’s
He’d put up some weights,
And I’d put on my big straw hat
I need Mike’s approval for his replacement
Now that he’s left me, he’s in the Army

Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
Already run out of races
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
I thought Ted Musgrave would replace him
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
What went wrong?

Was it the cheap beer, or the fake coffee?
Or driving a car with a paint scheme of a V?
Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him for a jump-start
What is it? Duh.
Guess it was the Vi-a-graaaaa

Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
Already run out of races
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
I thought ol’ Lepage would replace him
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
What went wrong?

I spent my whole life with the blue team
Thunderbird and Taurus and now the Fusion
And now the leader is a winning robot
And I guess he knows what 2nd place means

Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
Already run out of races
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
I thought McMurray would replace him
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
What went wrong?

Kvap.

OK, I don't know Travis Kvapil. I assume he's a great guy. And its obvious by his results in the Truck Series that he's a talented driver. But lets take a brief look back at his recent career:

2004--Joined Bang! Racing. Shut down at the end of the season.

2005--Joined Penske-Jasper Racing. Shut down at the end of the season.

2006--Joined PPI Racing. Likely to shut down at the end of the season.


Where does it end? I don't know, but this might be where it began...

2002--Part-time truck team team shuts down when sponsorship deal from Big Daddy's BBQ Sauce falls through.

2000--Dodge Weekly Racing Series team shuts down after hauler and race cars within are carjacked by the dreaded Mears Gang.

1997--Local Wisconsin race team shuts down after wasting $500 on paint jobs above the driver door (jeez--who knew it was that hard to spell "Travis"?)

1993--Midget racing team shuts down when supplier mistakenly ships 3/8 midgets, instead of the standard 1/4 midgets.

1989--Bicycle shuts down after neighborhood bully Johnny Sauter puts a stick in the spokes.

Congratulations Tony!

Bill Weber: "Jimmie Johnson, your 2006 Nextel Cup Champion. From all of us at NBC, thanks for the ride. For further coverage, switch over to CNBC."

(click)

Host: "Well, the REAL money supply is completely controlled by calico cats, who use yarn to--"

Weber: "Welcome those of you not watching the Dallas-Indy game who also have CNBC on their cable systems. We'd like to welcome all 12 of you to a very special presentation. To Dave Burns."

Dave: "Here with Tony Stewart, a strong finish to the season, CLINCHING The Outside Groove's 2006 11th place spot."
Tony: "Um, thanks Dave."
Dave: "Here with the trophy presentation is Chairman, CEO, Head Writer, and Secretariat, Mike Mackler--Mike?"
Mike: "Thanks Dave--Tony, its a great honor to present you with The Outside Groove's 2006 Championship--I mean, 11th place trophy. We had this especially made at the mall--you see, the little gold guy at the top is bowling a tire instead of a ball. As a University of Maryland Basketball fan, I know what its like to the best, and I know what its like to be the best of the rest. Congrats, Tony, you've won our NIT."
Tony: "Uh...thanks, Mark"
Mike: "Its Mike"
Tony: "Whatever, um, I guess this is good for Home Depot. And Chevy and all the guys back at the shop, I think, I mean, I don't really know if this is good or not."
Dave: "Emotional words from an emotional man. Back to you, Bill."
Bill: "Thanks, Dave. And as we close out our final race on NBC, and since no one is watching, I'd just like to say that one of the top 10 Chase drivers stabbed someone for the mob back in the 90's. YOU have to look it up, because I don't have to."

Homestead "News" and Notes

This week's race is shaping up to be a pretty good reflection on the year as a whole--a battle between Jimmie Johnson and Matt Kenseth, with Kasey Kahne as a threat to win, and no Michael Waltrip in sight.

According to Monster.com, "Nextel Cup Fabricator" jumped today to the #7 most-needed job position in the country. This may have to do with Johnny Sauter being rumored to go to the 88 Yates car.

Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain airs a special "State of the Sport" edition on Sunday morning. Of note, DEI head honcho Richie Gilmore will be making an appearence, proving to the many doubters that he does, in fact, exist.

J.J. Yeley will be running the full Busch Series schedule in 2007, in conjuction with the full Nextel Cup schedule. This is great preparation for 2006, when he will be running the full Busch Series schedule, in conjunction with nothing.

Eric "I Can Learn!" McClure has signed on to drive the famed Davis Motorsports 0 car in 2007. Of note is the sponsor--Hefty--which will require McClure to bulk up to a David Poole level of heftiness.

ODDS
4:1 Bob Costas will start his NFL coverage with a VERY awkward transition from the race (something like, "A great stunner down in the Sunshine State...um...Mickey Mantle Michael Jordan").
9:2 Jimmie Johnson will lose the championship, then receive a congratulatory phone call from Peyton Manning, Alex Rodriguez, and Charles Barkley.
500:1 Morgan Shepherd will be belatedly added to the starting grid as a PE, or "Pious Entry"

Nascar Broadcasting Coroporation

Well, after six years, Nascar leaves NBC after this weekend's race at Homestead. While most of the crew will soldier on with an abbreviated TNT package next year, it won't be the same. Lets take a final look back at the announcers who've shaped our lives.

Matt Yocum: Nascar's "Ironman" reporter, broadcasting from every race every season, not to mention the bulk of the Busch Series schedule. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that he's not married.

Marty Snider: Yet another of NBC's crossover reporters, serving both in Nascar and Arena Football. Because when you think of Nascar, you think of second-rate football players flying around a half-filled arena.

Dave Burns: After the reception he constantly gets from Nascar fans, I was ready to write a scathing evaluation. However, a friend of his assured me that they're just saying "Boo-urns!"

Allen Bestwick: Sure, you can talk about his race experience, his strangely unemotional cadence, or his stellar hockey career. But for me, he'll always be the only Nascar announcer who ever came close to looking like Peter Tomarken.

Wally Dallenbach: I'll admit it--at the beginning, I hated Wally Dallenbach. But strangely, he's grown on me. He's like that girl you can't stand in Freshman year, but you have Pre-Calc with her Sophmore year, then you team with her on doubles tennis Junior Year, and by your Senior year, you're practically friends. But does that mean I have to ask Wally to the prom?

Benny Parsons: Benny's become the Dan Dierdorf of Nascar--he's been around forever, he's annouced dozens of memorable events, but he still gets criticized for his on-air performance. What's more, a marketing manager at Unilever, one of the world's largest companies, decided that "Hey...you know who would help us sell more Hellmann's Mayonnaise--Benny Parsons!"

Bill Weber: (Warning--NSFW) I SWEAR I am not making this link up, but it strangely sums up the career of this Donald Trump-lookalike.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "California Girls" by the Beach Boys, and covered by Diamond David Lee Roth*

Well Daytona’s historic
Talladega gets to fast
And the road courses have the ringer guys
While old Dar-ling-ton has the past

Martinsville has the hot dogs
At Richmond they race all night
But there’s only one track where after a wreck
There’s a good chance you’ll see a fiiiight

I wish they all could be Bristol kinda
I wish they all could be Bristol kinda
I wish they all could be Bristol kinda traaaaacks

Sure Indy is prestigious
And Dover’s the monster mile
The Las Vegas races have the hot showgirls
And Fontana keeps in style

Now Nascar has all kinds of tracks
And they race ‘bout everywhere
But they could run ‘em all in the Tennessee hills
And nobody’d really caaaare

I wish they all could be Bristol kinda
I wish they all could be Bristol kinda
I wish they all could be Bristol kinda traaaaacks




*The Outside Groove--like a thunderbolt in your Cheerios. If you like it, tell a friend. If you hate it, tell an enemy.

Bold Moves

OK...this looks like a nice, sturdy tree. Let me get my foot up here...yeah. Alright, climb to the next branch...ok the nnnext...hey, a squirrel! OK, let me lift myself up herrrre. OK--ah, there it is. Alright this limb looks fine. Let me get out on here...alright.
Now that I'm out on a limb, let me make my bold predictions for Sunday's race:

Jimmie Johnson WILL qualify better than 44th.

Casey Mears will NOT win the championship.

Tempting as it is to choose him, do NOT pick Harry Gant to win.

The Nextel Cup Champion will have started ALL the races in 2006.

The winning driver will DEFINATELY have a sponsor.

I will NOT be quoted on-air during the race.

No Fun League

True story--the NFL has it written into every TV contract it signs that no NFL game can be pre-empted by ANYTHING. As such, no matter what was on before a game, say, a championship-deciding Nascar race, they'd have to switch to the football game. Which means that this Sunday, we could have this reaction:

Fan: "Go Harvick! Two more laps and you got it! Johnson's back on the track! He's got a shot at the championship! Go! GOOOO!!! G-what? Huh? Huh?!? Don't tell me they're ch--OH MY GOD, BLACK PEOPLE! They switched to the NFL!!! Wh-what channel's CNBC? Honey--WHAT CHANNEL IS CNBC?!? OH MY GOD I'M MISSING IT!!! WHERE'S THE RADIO!!! HELP ME JESUS! HELP ME BARNEY HALL!!!"




Reporter: "Mike, what's your prediction for Sunday's race?"
Me: "My prediction?"
Reporter: "Yes."
Me: "...RAIN."

As Seen on The Speed Report

Speed Channel Reporter: ...putting Marlin out of the top 35, and Petty back into the hearts of millions. For more on the Cup race today at Phoenix, lets go down to the pits with Speed's own Cookie Monster--Cookie, how big of a win was this for Harvick and company?

Cookie Monster: Hi! Me Cookie Monster. Kevin Harvick get big win in COOKIE! car today. Harvick have big COOKIE on side of chocolatey stock car. Mmmm num num num. Me want to see Harvick win Nextel Cup--and fill cup with COOKIES!

Reporter: Cookie, this has definately been a dominating season for RCR, how do they carry this over to 2007?

Cookie Monster: Me fan of RCR for many years. Me liked Dale Earnhardt. He run Oreo COOKIE car back in 2001. He eat cookies just like me! Me like watching his son, Dale Junior, run Nilla car too. Nillas plain, but Nillas COOKIES!

Reporter: Thanks Cookie. Lets throw it back to the Nascar Victory Lane Crew, with John Roberts, Kenny Wallace, and Oscar the Grouch--I mean, Jimmy Spencer.

Phoenix "News" and Notes

Sorry for the late race preview article--I was busy celebrating the impending new paint scheme for Jamie McMurray in in 2007. I mean, can you believe it? A BRAND NEW paint scheme, but the same sponsor!?! And they're letting us see it at Homestead! What an age we live in!

Matt Borland has taken a leave of absence for the final two weeks of the year. Many think this is a prelude to Borland leaving Penske for Red Bull, as evidenced by his shady excuse that he's "...left to be with his brother Al".

Jeff Gordon will be making a special appearence in the booth on Monday Night Football this week. Reportedly ESPN production staff has begun debriefing Tony Kornheiser on Gordon's career, ensuring him that he has nothing, at all, to do with Danica Patrick.

Nascar's latest odd contest has Dodge offering the chance to be Kasey Kahne's "right hand man" for the day. Why do I get the idea that this consists entirely of blocking phone calls from Tyler Walker?

The former #51 team has reduced its prices on its remaining race team inventory. So, if you ever wanted a bargain-basement price on a chassis caster or 10lbs of tungsten*, here's your chance.

ODDS
4:1 An NBC camera will have an awkwardly close camera shot of Matt Leinart.
10:1 Jimmie Johnson will leave Phoenix with a commanding point lead.
100,000:1 David Stremme will leave Phoenix with a commanding point lead (don't count him out just yet!)



*Help, I need tungsten to live. Tungsten!

"Guess We're Letting Him Talk Through"

Cingular is running a new promotion where you can text a congratulatory message to Jeff Burton. Well, lets just try it out. OK, got my phone...OK, got the nummmber...here..."Jeff--congrats on a gr8 yr, keep it goin in 07, good luck this week at PHX...annnnd SEND." Alright, hope Jeff gets it, or at least a highly paid assistant.

(30 minutes later)
(Cellphone Rings)
Me: Hello?
Jeff: Hi! Its Nascar driver Jeff Burton!
Me: Oh, hi Jeff! Wow, I didn't expect you to call!
Jeff: Well, it wouldn't be to nice of me to not call ya back, now would it?
Me: I guess not. Well, thanks for the call back!
Jeff: Hey--thank YOU for the congratulations. Its fans like you who keep me goin' near the end of the season.
Me: Well, thanks Jeff, that means alot.
Jeff: So, am I your favorite driver?
Me: Uh, no, actually its Ryan Newman.
Jeff: Heh--guess I gotta keep up with the competition, eh buddy!
Me: Yeah, I guess so.
Jeff: Hey--are ya goin' to the race this weekend?
Me: Uh, I live in Delaware on the east coast.
Jeff: Hey, do you ever go to Dover? I won there this year!
Me: Yeah, I know, well, I do go there sometimes...
Jeff: That's great! Next time you're down there, give me a call we'll have lunch! Do ya like bar-be-que?
Me: I guess so...
Jeff: Yeah my hauler guy makes the BEST ribs in the world!
Me: That's, uh, that's great...well I hafta go...
Jeff: Hey wait, are ya gonna be watching the race on Sunday
Me: Um, if I get a chance, I actually have a date, I really have to go-
Jeff: A date? That's great! How about this--I call you from my car, and you can put her on the line! She'll be SO impressed!
Me: Yeah, great--I really hav-
Jeff: Have you seen Borat yet? Because I really want to see that--hey, I got movie passes--why don't you come watch it with me! That'll be awesome!
Me: Um, well...boop boop...oh wait, I must be getting boop boop another call...I really boop boop have to go.
Jeff: Alright Mike call me sometime! I always have my phone with me!
Me: OK I gotta go...
Jeff: Hey talk to ya later...
Me: OK bye
Jeff: Bye buddy!
(click)

Push-Over

This weekend saw two highly-publicized shoving incidents, as both Nascar driver Kevin Harvick and Penn State football coach Joe Paterno were knocked over. Lets see what else these two have in common:

Extent of Injury
Joe Paterno: Broken leg
Kevin Harvick: Broken pride

Provocation
Joe Paterno: None, although recent comments about a college football playoff might have prompted a contract by the NCAA
Kevin Harvick: Lots, although if his car still had the big 3 on it, it would've been "Just Racin'" and 5,000 more T-shirts would've been sold

Whodunnit
Joe Paterno: Andrew Quarless
Kevin Harvick: Craig "C.C." Curione (Rocco...Curione...who's bankrolling this team, The Legitimate Businessmens Association?)

Previous Infractions
Joe Paterno: Chased down a referee
Kevin Harvick: Chased down a giant pair of eyeballs

Recent Success
Joe Paterno: Played in last year's Orange Bowl
Kevin Harvick: Won a championship against the likes of Auggie Vidovich and Steve Grissom

Annoyance Level of Fans (Scale of 1 to 10)
Joe Paterno: 12 (We Are...Penn State...well, in football)
Kevin Harvick: 16 (We've been fans since 2001...well, except for 2003-2005)

My Connection to Them
Joe Paterno: None
Kevin Harvick: Told him where the bathroom was in the Dover garage

A Closed Mind on Open Wheel

As Benny Parsons would say, wow. Its strange, but I just don't feel like making fun of CART today. Maybe they've stopped their snobbish ways towards stock car fans. Maybe they've apoligized for their years of technology-driven, follow-the-leader racing. Maybe they've finally admitted that they are to F1 what the Truck Series is to Nascar. Wonder if I'm missing something. Oh, well, let me check out ESPN.com...

"Sorry to say it was self-inflicted," (Paul) Tracy told the Toronto Star. "I was at a party and had a little too much to drink, and we thought it was a good idea to go out on a golf cart and try and jump some sand dunes with it."

Ahhhh, there it is.

Shoot Foot, Then Insert Into Mouth

Recently ESPN.com featured this article about fan reaction to Toyota's entry into Nascar. What caught my eye was this passage:

"I don't like the fact that they are coming. It should be just the Big Three," said Shane Will, a NASCAR fan who works for Ford. Will's tinted sunglasses and Dale Earnhardt Jr. hat hid his features, but he aggressively shared his feelings.

And so, I think its only fair...


The Outside Groove Salutes...Real Fans of Weirdness

Real Fans of Weirdness

Today we salute you, Mister Fan-of-a-Driver-Associated-With-Your-Employer's-Rival

Mister Fan-of-a-Driver-Associated-With-Your-Employer's-Rival

You don't let a little thing like your paycheck get in the way of choosing YOUR favorite car

We don't need no bowties

You work at a Ford plant, but root for Dale Earnhadt Jr.--a man who's never been associated with Ford in his lifetime

But his daddy raced for Bud Moore

Sure, it doesn't make much sense, but at least you're not dumb enough to give your name in an interview for a nationally broadcast television show, reposted on an internationally known website

That would sure be stupid

So stay your ground, oh prince of the paradox. Because when it comes to fan support, you're OUR favorite competitor

Mister Fan-of-a-Driver-Associated-With-Your-Employer's-Rival

Texas "News" and Notes

As usual, changes to the Chase for the Cup are being considered for 2007. Chief among them is awarding more points to drivers who win races than the current 10-point gap back to second. Most drivers are advocating somewhere between a 25 and 50 point differential, while Kasey Kahne is promoting a 15 kajillion difference.

Despite rumors to the contrary, Nascar will not use restrictor plates this weekend at Texas despite higher-than-usual speeds. Besides, to make a change would be like the NFL deciding two days before a divisional playoff game to play by CFL rules.

Tums is coming on board as an associate sponsor for Ganassi drivers David Stremme and Reed Sorenson for 2007. Little known fact: Tums HATES "...them no good Columbians".

Brian Vickers holds the pole for tomorrow's race. However, he was reprimanded by Hendrick Motorsports for referring to his car as "...fast as a Red Bull" in a post-qualifying interview.

ODDS:
2:1 Terry Labonte's video package on NBC will be accompanied by music Terry Labonte would never listen to voluntarily.
4:1 Robby Gordon will be booed.
500:1 Tony Raines will be booed.

Terry-Eyed Farewell (Part 2)

Today we continue our look back at the career of Texas Terry Labonte.

1990--Terry runs the year with Richard Jackson, after a plan to start his own team falls through. Thankfully this scared off numerous drivers from starting their own teams...for about three years.

1993--Terry is joined on the Nextel Cup level by brother Bobby, who promptly goes on to wreck about 20 of Bill Davis' cars.

1994--Terry Labonte joins Hendrick Motorsports. While the move would revitalize his career, he remained secretly disappointed that they never let him drive the green #51 "City Chevy".

1995--Terry's identity changes from "consistent driver who raced with drive and class" to "Jeff Gordon's teammate".

1996--Terry wins his second Winston Cup Championship, netting him the traditional winner's garish leather jacket. Brother Bobby wins the race, stealing some of the spotlight and enraging older brothers everywhere.

1997--Terry wins one race in his title defense, at Talladega. To give you an idea of the wrecks that destroyed that race, Steve Grissom had a legitimate shot to win.

2000--Terry ends his consecutive races streak after an inner-ear infection sidelines him at the Brickyard. Doctors refused to clear him to race, giving him a "white guy dancing" level of equilibrium.

2002--Terry wonders why the tiger on the hood of his car keeps asking everyone if they have an adequate supply of milk.

2003--Terry returns to victory lane at Darlington. Thankfully NBC was covering this race, as if it had been on Fox, we'd have had Darrell Waltrip interrupting to compliment "...Mikey on a fine 15th place run".

2005--Terry begins his "Shifting Gears" retirement run with a partial schedule. Guarenteed of making every race with his Champions Provisional, he becomes the bane of field fillers everywhere.

2006--Terry nearly wins at Infineon, fulfilling a childhood dream of contending through his final season of racing. Whether he also wanted to be racing an LCD techonologies-sponored car at a race track sponsored by an IT firm remains to be seen.

Ta-ta, Terry (Part 1)

This Sunday Terry Labonte will conclude his career in Nextel Cup. Lets take a look back at the amazing career of this two-time champion:

1956--Terry Labonte is born. It is the last recorded time when Terry cried.

1969--A teenaged Terry is challenged to a fight by the local bully. Terry then proceeds to stare at the bully's face for seven minutes straight before walking away. The bully was later committed to a mental institution and continues to live under close supervision to this day.

1975--After being run off the road by "that Bush kid", Terry is seconds from death when a radical proceedure is done. By replacing his blood with ice water, one more life is saved--and a legend is born.

1978--Terry makes his (then) Winston Cup debut for owner Billy Hagan. Terry finishes poorly, as he is preoccupied for most of the race trying to figure out why a grown businessman would still be called "Billy".

1979--In a crowded field, Terry misses out on the Rookie of the Year award, but takes solace in the fact that he'll never have to deal with Dale Earnhardt again.

1980--Terry wins his first Winston Cup race. In a post-race interview with MRN, he extolls the virtues of winning at Darlington on Labor Day, a tradition which will never change.

1984--Terry wins the Winston Cup after putting up a shockingly consistant season. More surprising still, Darrell Waltrip is unable to come up with an insult for Terry better than, "Boy, you're hard to insult."

1987--Terry Labonte runs his first season with Junior Johnson and Associates. He'd later go on to say that he loved racing for Junior Johnson, but hated the associates with a passion.

(Part 2 Tomorrow)

You're Smooth...You're Silk-ay...FINE-INE-INED!

Nascar handed down its punishment to Robby Gordon today for throwing a piece of foam onto the track at Atlanta. Here's some highlights from the penalty:

--Though understandably pissed off, Jeff Burton is explicitly forbidden from any form of retribution. However, RCR HAS entered Ward Burton in a fourth car for Texas. "Ahm gunna git 'im brutha."

--Robby must serve 50 hours community service at the charity of Richard Childress's choice. Hope you like stompin' grapes, Robby.

--Robby was originally fined $15,000 for his actions. However, as an owner-driver, he was unable to pay the fine. As a result, Mike Helton decreed that he become Jeff Burton's butler.

--Robby is fined 50 driver (and owner) points, seriously damaging his title chances for 2006.

--Robby will have his entire car stripped of all foam-based products for the rest of the season. Luckily DuPont has invented a brand-new metal racing seat that NEVER heats up beyond 200 degrees.

--The next time Robby gets in trouble, he'll be given the worst punishment Nascar offers--a cross-country plane ride sitting next to Kenny Wallace.