MARKeting

Now that Mark Martin seems to be leaning towards staying in Cup racing in 2006, the Salute to You tour will have to be extended till next year. But what to call this year's marketing blitz? Here's a list of proposed names, obtained for me by an irate former Roush employee (hint: his name rhymes with Ted Musgrave)

The Salute Two Times Tour

The Salute Two Seasons Tour

Salute to You, Episode One: The Phantom Driver

The Salute to You Warm-up Lap

The Salute to Diecast

Salute? What Salute?

The Salute to Sugar Ray Leonard

The Salute to Buying More Stuff, Even Though Everything you Bought This Year is now Pointless

A Weeklong Tribute to Prince--The Thrilling Conclusion

I would get up early every Sunday
Turn on ESPN2 again and again
It was one of my only traditions
Turning on the TV and then watching Dave Despain

Dave Despain Dave Despain
Dave Despain Dave Despain
Dave Despain Dave Despain
I only wanted to get my news from that Dave Despain

Then all of a sudden, he was gone there
They had Rece Davis, who tried to pretend
That he knew as much about Nascar
I could not believe my ritual just had to end

Dave Despain Dave Despain
Dave Despain Dave Despain
Dave Despain Dave Despain
I just wanted to know what happened to that Dave Despain

And then one night, I'm flickin' through the channels
And usually Speed is lookin' plain
But who do I see with his own show?
Thank god not David Poole no it was Mr. Dave Despain

Dave Despain Dave Despain
Dave Despain Dave Despain
Dave Despain--hey is that Leeann Tweeden?
Dave I love you brotha but you're no Leann Tweeden
(she has a thinner beard)

A Tribute to Prince--Part 4 of 5

To "Kiss":

U don’t have 2 talented
2 drive my car
I just need a Nascar license
Whoever you are
U don’t need experience
2 strap on in
U just leave it all up 2 me
Just don't expect a win

U don’t have 2 be good
2 drive my car
U don’t have 2 be cool
2 fit my seat
I just wanna make the race, and fill the field
Just don't bring expectations or...
Pride

U got 2 stop being optomistic
If you're racing for me
U can't expect a chance to win
Or even a top 20
This is my warped fantasy
I just hope you don't mind
That this 98 Pontiac
Was all we could find

U don’t have 2 be good
2 drive my car
U don’t have 2 be cool
2 fit my seat
I just wanna make the race, and fill the field
Just don't bring expectations or...
Pride

"Shoot the J...SHOOT IT!"

A Weeklong Tribute to Prince--Part 3 of 5

to "Raspberry Beret":

I was working for my dad at the Nascar store
And got pit passes to the Dover race
I tell you we had fun, we had a good time
It surely was my favorite place

But all the times run together as I look on back
Each one is the same as before
'Cept for one year, when I saw that girl
Standin' 'round turn four, turn four

She was a hot racing girl fan
She knew her stuff, and she liked Jeremy
Hot racing girl fan
And I sure bet she wore Octane 93
Hot racing girl fan
I think I loved her

We started to talk
And I could not understand
What this girl saw in me
Wasn't my looks, and from what I hear
It sure wasn't my spelleeng

Now I could really hear a damn thing that she said
'Cause of the blowers on the concrete
Haven't seen her since, but I still remember
The one time that we happened to meet

She was a hot racing girl fan
She knew her stuff, and she liked Jeremy
Hot racing girl fan
And I sure bet she wore Octane 93
Hot racing girl fan
I think I loved her

A Weeklong Tribute to Prince--Part 2 of 5

To "When Doves Cry"

He's a past champ with a problem
And looks like he's...gettin' pissed
The pressure is hitting boiling
A-nother setup
Another setup missed

When it comes to the new playoff
He's on the outside lookin' in
Benny and Darrell offer their opinions
What could it be?
Where the heck to be-gin?

Maybe the thing up at Wrigley?
Or its just real bad luck (Real bad luck)
Maybe he's just blowin' tires
Maybe he's in ev-er-y wreck, aw shucks
Maybe its all of the engines
All you can say is "why?"
What is the 24's problem?
This is why Mike Bliss got
A black eye

"Maybe you should purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka"

A Weeklong Tribute to Prince--Part 1 of 5

To the tune of "1999":

I was dreamin' when I "wrote" this
I know that it looks plagerized
But when I watched last week's race
'Couldn't believe my own two eyes
There were Dodges in the runnin', but no Grand Prix anywhere
Tryin' to ignore the changes, U know I didn't even care

say say now everything is different Carl Edward has a good time
So tonight I'm gonna party like I drive the 99

I was dreamin' when I "wrote" this
So sue me if it makes no sense
But racing's meant to change, 'cept for fogies and folks too dense
Young guns winnin' races, and old guys re-tire-r-in'
But unless they're racin' Kias, I'm gonna watch that race again

say say now everything is different Carl Edward has a good time
So tonight I'm gonna party like I drive the 99

Lemme tell ya somethin'
If you're still talkin' 'bout Winston, don't bother coming to my place
'Cause unless you're a hot woman, I gotta have my space
Yeah, everybody's actin' whiny, but don't you know that's for a fool
But I'll never let that happen--I'm not any David Poole!

say say now everything is different Carl Edward has a good time
So tonight I'm gonna party like I drive the 99

My Mistake

As a few people have told me, the author of "Sunday Money" was Jef MacGregor, not Jef Maynard. Jeff Maynard, for the record, was the "Toolmaster" on MST3K.
My bad.
ps--the book still sucked

The Outside Groove Book Club

Today we take a look at "Sunday Money", written by Sports Illustrated Reporter Jef Maynard. To properly review this book, I'll paraphrase a quote by the legendary Roger Ebert:

I hated this book. Hated hated hated hated hated this book. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant reader-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the reader by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

"Sunday Money" is, possibly, the WORST thing ever written about Nascar. Maynard (who apparently is too good for 2 f's in his first name) presents the sport in every light imaginable, always returning to a bizzare recounting of the sport's roots. Meanwhile, he's using as many Tom Wolfe-isms as humanly possible. Too bad TOM WOLFE ALREADY WROTE ABOUT NASCAR IN "THE LAST AMERICAN HERO".

Avoid this book. AVOID IT!

Pocono "News" and Notes Part 2: Electric Bugaloo

--Arnold Motorsports has sold their successful truck team to focus on their Cup program, which has only qualified for three races thus far. Huh?!?

--Last time at Pocono drivers were plagued by a rash of tire failures attributed to the "chordoroy" on the inside of the track. Chordoroy also caused a rash of date failures in the early 1980's.

--Tim Richmond is arguably the most successful driver in Pocono's history, winning 3 times in his very brief career. However, Tim will always be remembered for one thing and one thing only--that Winston poster.*

--Pocono annually features the smallest turn-around time between Cup dates. They also feature the smallest amount of excitement.

--Carl Edwards will go to the back of the pack after skipping qualifying to run the Pikes Peak Busch race. Damn you Charter Communications Marketing Department!

ODDS:
EVEN--this race will come down to fuel mileage.
4:1--an announcer will mention the constant requests to shorten the race to 400 miles.
100:1--an announcer will mention the time when a drunk fan wandered onto the track in front of Davey Allison's car.

*If you don't know what this is, be careful searching for it. This is (literally) rated R.

Headlines from Hell...The Return

"First 1000 lap race to be held at Pocono."

"Valvoline purchases 50% of new race team, 75% of Scott Riggs."

"The Ceasar Haircut: From Hubie Brown to Bob Jenkins."

"Kevin Lepage now sponsored by BoSpoker.net, .info, .edu, .co.uk, .xxx"

"3 Doors Down hold non-Nascar related concert."

"Nascar countersues Kentucky Speedway for gaudy, gimmicky garage layout."

"New video game has mysterious 'Ron Mexico' as driver."

"Fan attempts to watch Chicago, New Hampshire, and Pocono back-to-back-to-back; slips into coma."

and...

"Tim Fedewa's job in jeopardy; experts unsure why this didn't happen 2 years ago."

John Roberts Nominated for Supreme Court

In a surprise move by President Bush, Speed Channel personality John Roberts has been nominated for the soon-to-be vacant Supreme Court position.
"I feel that John will bring the even-handed approach he's shown on Nascar This Morning to the nation's highest court" Bush explained in front of a live national tv audience. "The United States has been torn apart by partisan politics, but I believe that John's soothing monotone voice can bring us together."
Bush pointed to Roberts' mediation skills as a key factor in his appointment to the high court--specifically the cases of Waid v. Ingle and K. Wallace v. Spencer. Roberts also has shown expertise in dealing with foreign dignitaries such as Hideo Fukayama, and foreign dignitaries with no neck, such as Leigh Diffey.
Roberts would be the first Speed Channel personality to make it to the Supreme Court, but far from the first to hold public office. Dave Despain had a brief but memorable run for the Presidency in 2004. Bob Varsha served a controversial term as Secretary of Education under former President Clinton. And Leeann Tweeden served as Miss Hooters Hot Wings 1995.
Bush concluded his speech with a look ahead to Roberts' difficult approval process by the Senate: "Though the coming weeks will be tough and difficult, I will stand by John like his hair--straight, true, and unwavering."

Ch-ch-ch-ch-anges...on NBC

The moving of Bill Webber to the announce booth (or is it announcer booth?) isn't the only change NBC has made to its Nascar coverage this year. Here's a look at some of the less noticable variances:

--Replacing "Dave Discovers" with "Dave Bank of Americas"

--Switching generic theme song for Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car"

--Wally's World moving up from Grade C celebrities to Grade B celebrities (sorry Craig T. Nelson)

--Picture in picture, so 1/4 of the screen in always focused on Dale Earnhardt Jr.

--Cutting Pocono out of the schedule entirely

--Four words: Pit Reporter Lil Kim

--Bringing back the old days of Nascar broadcasts--like tape delay, not telling fans when racers die, and rebel flags by the hundreds!

--Benny Parsons plays Matt LeBlanc's hot new love interest on "Joey" season premiere.

Castroneves Sues Stewart for Copyright Infringement

IRL driver Helio Castroneves has officially filed a lawsuit in Pennsylvania court against Nascar driver Tony Stewart. The nature of the lawsuit centers around Stewart's copying of Castroneves' signiature victory celebration of climbing the retaining wall fence.
"Mr. Stewart has been warned many times by our legal team to stop using Mr. Castroneves' signiature celebration" explained Castroneves' car owner Roger Penske. "However, when Mr. Stewart refused to respond to our cease and desist letter, we felt that we had to get the law involved."
Penske pointed to Castroneves' long history of using the unique celebration, dating back several years. Stewart, Penske contends, only started using the move at the Pepsi 400 in Jooo-lie.
Furthering Penske's ire is Stewart's insistence on claiming the celebration as his own invention.
"Mr. Stewart's comments following his recent win were completely unacceptable--he faunted our insistence that, if he does do the celebration, that he AT LEAST credit Helio with inventing it", Penske explained.
Legal experts believe that Penske and Castroneves have a case, pointing to Stewart's comments after the race: "This is my celebration. This is mine. Mine mine mine. All mine mine miney mine. M-Y-N-E mine."
Spiderman was unavailable for commment.

The Reality of Racing

Nascar has been able to expand its entertainment reach as of late, with Nascar Drivers: 360, which follows drivers through their everyday lives, and NBS 24/7, an informercial. Here's what reality-based shows Nascar has in development as we speak.

Revivor: Ricky Craven, Ward Burton, Johnny Benson and more former Cup stars compete for the #6 ride for 2006. Who can revive their career the quickest?

American Eye-full: Jeff Gordon tries to go through an hour of interviews each week avoiding the Mike Bliss "incident".

America's Next Fast Model: Brian France works dilligently to get Toyota into Cup...but Dodge, Chevy and Ford do everything they can to stop him!

Mears Factor: Owners compete in a number of grueling (and gross) competitions for the services of a young driver with questionable skill.

Big Brother: Rusty Wallace tries to find a sponsor for his brother, Kenny (aka The Shill).

I'm Tired

Yeah, that's right. So instead of trying to write something funny, go check out Catchfence.com--they're the real deal. Oh, and click on some of my links over to the right.

Loudon "News" and Notes

--In late-breaking news, Michael Waltrip has been fired from DEI, effective the end of the season. Why this wasn't done years ago is anyone's guess.

--Waltrip has been pegged for the #0 ride. Why this is happening is anyone's guess.

--The two Loudon races are annually the two biggest sports events in New Hampshire. Makes you wish that they'd actually built an exciting track.

--Morgan Shepherd and Kevin Lepage debut new sponsors this weekend, in deals believed to be worth in excess of $500 combined.

--ppc Racing recently announced that they are discontinuing the #10 car, which is a move revealed to be in violation of driver Michel Jourdain's contract. The team also lost sponsor Stacker 2, and saw their Nextel Cup team fall apart in a matter of weeks. See, this is what happens when you use lower-case letters. We can't all be e.e. cummings, you know.

ODDS:
EVEN--Someone will refer to the track as being in London.
4:1--That bizzare rumor about Bobby Labonte leaving Gibbs will be discussed.
400:1--That even-more bizzare rumor about Mike Mackler dating Lelani Munter will be discussed.

Op-Ed: Save the Turtles

Thats all I can stands, and I can't stands no more. --Popeye

For years Nascar has attacked my kind. They've made fun of us. Excluded us. Belittled us. But last week they went too far.

The turtles have had enough.

As a graduate of the University of Maryland, I am a 100% terrapin, member of the turtle family. And during qualifying for the Pepsi 400, the first shot was fired in the war of aggression. If you didn't see it, a track worker was sent onto the banking when one of my hard-shell bretheren crawled onto the track. What happened next was reprehensable.

He kicked the turtle. HE KICKED HIM. Like a common hermit crab.

Oh, I know what you're thinking--"Hey, its just an isolated incident." But this goes back years. Nascar has long discriminated against Marylanders and turtles--when was the last time you saw Donnie "Fear the Turtle" Neuenberger in victory lane? And back in the 70's Nascar callously took away our only Cup date from the Beltsville Speedway.

But this time they've gone too far.

The turtles will rise up. The turtles will triumph. We will show you what a citizen of the Free State can do.

Fear the Turtle.

Matt Borland: The Definative Interview

Matt Borland, crew chief for Ryan Newman, has been criticized by some on account of his engineering background. He performed this interview to prove once and for all that he is NOT a nerd.

Q: So what are you going to do today, Matt?
A: Whatever I feel like, GOSH!

Q: Um, what did you do in the offseason?
A: I told you! I spent it with Richard Childress in Alaska hunting kodiaks!

Q: And which car are you the crew chief for again?
A: The freakin' 12-car, what do you think?

Q: What are your feelings about your driver, Ryan Newman?
A: Well, he has a sweet dog. And he's really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus he's like the only guy on the circut who has the Moe Howard haircut.

Q: How was this week's race?
A: The worst day of my life, what do you think?

Q: OK, that's it. Anything else you want to say?
A: Flippin' sweet!

Another Weird Mike Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of Danke Shoen

Dave Despain, Mr. Dave Despain.
Thank you for all the wins and shame.
Interviews, RPM 2Day, was the show I saw,
was the law, in your craw, quick now draw.

Dave Despain, Mr. Dave Despain.
Disappeared, memory like a stain.
I can see, jokes about BP, 'bout eating lots,
jokin' sots, tie those knots, make those dots.

Dave Despain, Mr. Dave Despain.
Now you're the Speed Channel's new main.
I recall, you were walkin' tall, moved to Sunday night,
what a fright, Inside Nascar, is such a blight.

Dave Despain, Mr. Dave Despain.

Revelations from the Nascar E! True Hollywood Story

--Jeff Gordon is allergic to mustard.

--Dale Earnhardt Jr. like, totally beat this guy up in 7th grade, even though the other guy was, like, totally ripped.

--Craig T. Nelson was on the Nascar payroll from 1994-1997.

--Kenny Wallace has an unhealthy obsession with The Guess Who.

--Herbie: Fully Loaded was funded entirely by the Russian mafia.

--Ned Jarrett talks like that on purpose.

--Jimmy Spencer is made entirely of pudding.

--If tapped with a golden cane 17 times (no more, no less) Matt Kenseth will sing the entire Greek National Anthem.

--There's white people EVERYWHERE!

The Busch Series' Latest Commercial

Scene: Kevin Harvick walks around a deserted Chicagoland track at night...

Here, we got these little sissies thinking that they own the place. I mean, you win five races, and you expect people to get out of your way? Please. He needs to go back into his trailer and talk with his girlfriend if that's what he wants to do.

On race day, we mix it up

(Kevin Harvick pulls off a mask...its Sterling Marlin!)

An' that's why I can't stan' racin' these bug-eyed dumays, man.

The Nascar Busch Series: Even WE don't know our role.

Chicago(land) "News" and Notes

--Kenny Wallace missed this week's Cup race and lost his Busch Series sponsor...on the same day. On the plus side, he got the new Black Eyed Peas album.

--Atlanta Motor Speedway was damaged something fierce from Tropical Storm Cindy on Wednesday night. Thankfully, like Darlington on a race day, nobody was there.

--In reverting to the classic "Petty Blue" colors this week, Kyle Petty is attempting to recreate the magic SO powerful, that it necessitates putting the term "Petty Blue" in quotes...and capitalizing the first letters. Ooooh.

--The "new team" added to the NBS 24/7 slate was actually the Akins Motorsports car driven by Kaseler Kahnker. No Schmuck, no peace.

--This weekend's race begins the annual Triple Crown of Boredom--Chicago, Loudon, and Pocono in a row. Can YOU stay awake?

ODDS:
3:1 Lisa Marie Pressley will stab Wally Dallenbach with a rusty icepick during the pre-race.
6:1 You'll hear a Cubs reference.
600:1 You'll hear a White Sox reference.

Jamie McMurray signs with Roush for 2007, so...

Who'll be in the 6 car in 2006?
Here's a look at the Vegas odds (provided by The Outside Groove's statastician/spell checker Rio Vegas)

Jamie McMurray (2:1) Note to everyone--Chip Ganassi isn't a millionaire. Jack Roush is. Expect a buyout, followed by Reed Sorenson being rushed to Cup ala Johnny Sauter.

Ricky Craven (5:1) Makes sense till you look at it from Ricky's point of view--even if he ran supoibly in '06, he'd lose his ride to the hair gel bandit in '07. Call it the "Jon Kitna" plan--would Ricky really want to be a seat warmer?

Jon Wood (10:1) Sorta makes sense--Wood gets the Roush ride with minimal pressure, then moves over to the Wood Bros. car in '06 after whats-his-name retires. Only sticky wicket is that we could see another Larry Foyt situation--a young guy being moved up WAY too fast. Then again, that didn't stop David Stremme.

Nobody (20:1) Just shut the team down. Of course, this puts them behind the 8-ball for the first four races of 2006, but it takes care of that pesky problem of finding a sponsor for one year.

The Field (40:1) Take your pick--Ward Burton, Johnny Benson, etc. Anyone of these guys would probably jump at the chance to get a premier ride...even for one year. Its hard to imagine Jack Roush hiring someone of sub-par talent, but this is the man who once hired Ted Musgrave AND Kevin Lepage.

Mark Martin (75:1) Mark comes back for the Salute to You Tour--the Sequal. A long-shot, but it could still happen.

Mike Mackler (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000:1) Oh yeah? OH YEAH!?! Well I don't like Fords anyway!

What is Harold Holly REALLY doing on his sabbatical?

Is he...

--Desperately calling Ricky Craven?

--Entering a discus-throwing contest?

--Building a new deck for his house?

--Duct-taping Bobby Hamilton Sr.'s mouth shut?

--Researching the assassination of William McKinley?

--Sleeping?

--Putting together an all-girl jazz trio?

Only Harold knows for sure.

(but he's probably just figuring out a way to get out of his contract).

Where does the money go?

A meekly-weekly look at where the sponsorship dollars of your favorite drivers are spent.

This week: Brian Vickers

20% PR program to remind people that ditech.com and GMAC are the same company.

16% Vocal chord surgery after too many "Lost another one to ditech!"'s.

14% Hair styling for that "edgy, but in a non-threatening way" look.

4% Dumpsters for all of Wally Dallenbach's old stuff.

6% Balms and creams to combat allergic reaction to Garnier Frutis.

31% Earplugs to drown out hourly comparisons to Jeff Gordon's career trajectory.

9% Fake ID's.

Happy Independence Day!

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all body styles are created equal."
--Brian France, upon introduction of the common template

"Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brought upon this continent a new sactioning body, one that would wipe from this earth the scorge that is CART."
--Jim Hunter, circa 1998

"I have a dream, that one day a man will be judged not by the stature of his sponsor, but by the content of his character."
--Some random field filler

"Who among us does not love Nascar?"
--John Kerry on the campaign trail (NOTE--this is REAL)

Daytona Recap

A recap of the action tonight at Daytona:

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo DOO DOO
DAAAAYTOOOONAAAA
DAAAYTONA lets go to win!
Lets go to win
DAAAYTONA----AAAAAA

Please select a race course BEGINNER
Please choose man--MANUAL
Gentlemen, Start your engines

3....2....1....GO!

And they're underway

Time extension

Time extension

Time extension

Time extension

Time extension

TIME EXTENSION

The white flag is out...this is the final lap

You placed...6th.

G A M E O voo E R g a m e o voo e r GAME over GAME over GAME over GAME over

The Outside Groove Investigates

Many people wonder, how does a race team know if the driver they've chosen to move up to Cup is ready or not? Well, a checklist, developed by several of the best teams in racing, has been intercepted by The Outside Groove. Lets take a look:

Requirements for Cup Ride:

--Youth

--Good looks

--Affability with fans and sponsors

--Potential, upside, etc.

--Tangential connection to a current superstar (NOTE: "Dale Earnhardt was my favorite driver" is acceptable)

Optional:

--Winning record

--Experience

--Ability to get along with teammates

Happy Birthday Dad!

Happy Birthday to the man most responsible for this site existing in the first place. My dad introduced me to Nascar, and perhaps more importantly taught me to look past the easy info for the real story. Its because of this that I know that Hermie Sadler's sponsorship by Taco Bell was probably done by a franchisee instead of the corporate office.

Happy Birthday!!!