Where does the money go?

A weekly look at where the sponsorship dollars for your favorite drivers are spent.

This week: Dale Jarrett

0% Hair Dye.

14% Sunglasses to prevent glare from hideously ugly paint scheme.

30% Penalties for FedExing a new Dodge hat to his friend at the Hershey factory.

6% Glen Jarrett's salary to keep him out of the team's way (ala Black Sheep).

11% Phone bill for prank calls to Ricky Rudd's house.

19% Personal money invested in new Ford developmental engine program--Saturn 5 rockets.

20% Press releases reminding fans that he has not retired.


In case you're wondering, YES, I'm still in prison, but I have my arraignment tomorrow. If that doesn't work, I can start chipping away at the prison walls like Any Dufrane, which means I should be out in 25 years tops.

Beyond 35--The Prison Special

I'm back! Well, sorta--I'm still behind bars due to my sponsorship slip, but I was able to trade some cigarettes for some time in the computer lab. Here's how the drivers outside the top 35 did at Wreckfest 2005:

#1 Martin Truex Jr. (finished 7th) Maybe this means that he SHOULD have been in the All-Star race...naah.

#37 Kevin Lepage (12th) Now the Official Beyond 35 Driver, both for his finishes and his sponsor this week.

#91-Bill Elliott (20th) The awesome-ist 20th place finish ever!

#7-Robby Gordon (27th) Real manly, picking on a woman almost half your age.

#44-Terry Labonte (38th) Sponsored this week by Pizza Stricklin.

#23-Mike Skinner (41st) He's a maniac, maniac.

#50-Jimmy Spencer (42nd) *shaking head* Give it up, Jimmy.

#09 Johnny Sauter (43rd) Why were the announcers talking about him ad nauseum?

The Outside Groove Author Arrested!

In a shocking development, The Outside Groove creator Mike Mackler was arrested last night while writing his lastest article. A warrent was issued for Mr. Mackler's apprehension shortly after he was caught typing the phrases "Charlotte Motor Speedway" and "World 600". Under the Sponsorship Rights act, Mackler was immediately taken to Wimmer Memorial Correctional Facility in Smyrna Delaware, where he has been held on $5,000 bond. More information on this story as it develops.

Part 3 of 3
As most people know, racing is a huge financial drain on those at the grass-roots level. As such, Dion works a regular “day job” in addition to his work at Dover Downs. Dion has found ways to minimize the financial impact—his team operates in a small garage behind his house in suburban Severn, Maryland. Furthermore, the garage was literally built by Dion from the ground up, using supplies from his various sponsors. Regardless, his career is not a profitable enterprise, and instead the team aims to “almost break even”. Hurting matters even more are the constant rule changes Nascar imposes—a $2400 carburetor Dion had bought recently was to become obsolete in only 6-12 months.
Despite all of these obstacles, Dion has remained upbeat and extraordinarily positive—one of the true “good guys” in racing. He still views racing as his full time job, and more importantly as his long-term goal. While sponsors, volunteers, and equipment are always in demand, Dion has continued to push ahead towards the future.

Dion Ciccarelli is not living the glamorous lifestyle of a Nextel Cup superstar. His life is one planted firmly in reality. However, he is one of the very few special people who get to live his dream every day of his life. Who wouldn’t want that?

Back to low-brow humor tomorrow

An Interview with Dion Ciccarelli

Part 2 of 3
Dion’s plans for 2005 are quite simple—run the three biggest Busch North Series races, then attempt to pick up sponsorship for the entire season. He’d love to return to the Busch Series, even on a low-funded team—however, independent teams run on the cheap have become a thing of the past. Without the technology and engine advantages an alliance with a Cup Series team brings, independent Busch teams like Dion’s find themselves seemly five laps down before the race begins. And this doesn’t even include field fillers (Dion proudly states that his Busch Series runs “…were never start and parks”). For an independent team to try to run competitive in the Busch Series is virtually impossible in 2005—just look at Ashton Lewis.
Dion’s current arrangement has him racing for Glidden Motorsports. They have formed several alliances with other small teams in an attempt to stay competitive. Dion has had to make due with such arrangements—most notably an all-volunteer crew. As a result, Dion has had “…about 50 people who’ve walked through our doors I haven’t seen since”, with only the most dedicated workers staying on the team. Just like at the Cup level, sponsorship is key to Dion’s racing dreams, firmly grounding them in the financial reality. Star Sales (a screw manufacturer) will be on the hood for Dion’s Busch North races this year. Associate sponsors will allow him to test and become more competitive. This is why long-term relationships with such companies as Culligan and Monster Racing (where Dion is an instructor) are crucial.

Part 3 Tomorrow

An Interview with Dion Ciccarelli

Just so you know, this is a 100% real interview

Dion Ciccarelli—The Reality of a Dream--Part 1 of 3
One would think that a man who goes off to race stock cars would be living a pretty cool life. However, this is also a life fraught with sacrifice, little stability, and fleeting chances of making it to the top. What makes this life worthwhile, though, is the knowledge that, unlike all the armchair drivers and critics, you’re living your dream on your own terms. And that is a very cool reality.
Dion Ciccarelli is probably best known to race fans as a sometimes-Busch Series competitor, most likely to be found racing at Dover Downs or Loudon. He came up like so many other drivers before him—a father in racing, a successful run on dirt. For many this is where the dream stalls. However, Dion had the courage to make what he himself referred to as “The Leap”—moving from dirt tracks to asphalt.
Dion’s career then moved to late-model racing, where he made what he calls his “claim to fame—racing Dale Earnhardt Jr.”. After that came successful runs in ARCA and a handful of Busch Series starts. Dion has done all of this despite a distinct disadvantage—living in the state of Maryland, where there is little (if any) asphalt racing to speak of. Not only did Dion have to race against the odds to make it, but he had to do so from hundreds of miles away—he “…can’t walk down the corner to get a part” like most of the teams can.

Part 2 Tomorrow

The Dubious History of Nascar Drivers and Music

Jeff Gordon's recent performance at Wrigley Field (NOT Stadium, Jeff) is just one in a long line of musical failures for Nascar's best and brightest. Here's a rundown of those who have tried--and failed--to cross-over.

1953: The Flock brothers form a rock-a-billy band on the beaches of Daytona. The group "A Flock of Seagulls", is quickly cited for numerous noise ordinances.

1959: Lee Petty's 4-album magnum opus "Plymouth Pride" fails to sell outside of Detroit.

1966: Curtis Turner is banned from Nascar for life after being caught listening to non-country music.

1969: David Pearson is assured that his latest single "When can I be King?" isn't selling well because of the hoopla over the moon landing.

1977: Darrell Waltrip releases his debut album, "Darrell Waltrip is the greatest driver in the history of Nascar."

1980: Bobby Allison cuts a double album ripping his rivals. This hard-to-find recording is believed to be the roots of gansta rap.

1987: Kyle Petty releases an album. (no, seriously--this actually happened).

1991: The "Days of Thunder" soundtrack rockets all the way to #588 on the Billboard charts.

The Outside Groove--ON ASSIGNMENT

Tonight I'm going to Severn, MD to interview driver Dion Ciccarelli. Until then, please feast on this joke that got left out of yesterday's article by mistake.

"...Havick's biggest error was taunting Nemechek with 'Oh yeah? You and what army?'"

Still not satisfied? Why don't you check out www.thepitsonline.com or www.catchfence.com

US Army Responds to Insult, Invades Harvick

Nascar driver Kevin Harvick apparently got more than he bargained for when he picked a fight with fellow Nascar driver Joe Nemechek.
Harvick was formally attacked by Nemechek’s sponsor, the United States Army, at 0600 hours this morning. Troops moved into Richard Childress Racing headquarters, as well as Harvick’s personal home.
“Kevin obviously forgot the golden rule of the military: Never mess with an Army man. Once we heard that Joe was in trouble, we swooped in to help.” explained Army spokesperson Scott Wilson. “We felt that Kevin’s comments were way out of line, plus we think that he’s been harboring Stephen Colbert, a known enemy of the state, in his raceshop.
Saturation bombing of Harvick began early this morning, following by a ground attack. Several Rangers were sent out on “seek and destroy” missions, while others were brought in to secure the RCR garage. Jeff Burton and Dave Blaney escaped unharmed, though the whereabouts of Clint Bowyer are still unknown.”When asked for comment, Harvick responded “AHHHH!!!”

Calvin Speaks

Hello, I am Calvin. Most of you probably know me as the co-star of the popular 90s comic strip, "Calvin and Hobbes". However, the readers of this website might know me better as the star of various "piss-on" stickers, featuring me urinating on the numbers of various driver numbers. I'm here today to set the record straight.
The story begins in my bedroom, where I was using my duplicator machine to get out of cleaning my room. Wouldn't you know it, but the thing went haywire and produced about 5,000 clones of yours truly. Rather than see them starve to death (and with my transmogrifier gun in for repairs), I followed the advice of my closest friend, Hobbes. Unfortunately tigers aren't the best business advisors, and he suggested that I rent my copies out to a group of signmakers.
Well, one thing leads to another, and soon you have every guy with a vinyl machine pumping my duplicates full of sping water. All that was left to do is place a 3 or a 24 next to them, and viola--history was made.
Did I support this action? Well, that's something I still can't decide on. My personage brought joy to millions of rednecks, while depriving my moody creator of millions of dollars in licensing revenues. 'Course, he wouldn't allow me to work outside of the strip anyways, further compounding the problem. I've decided that my fame (or imfamy, as it would be), is most likely a mixed blessing.
Today I'm working as a ballistics expert for Lockheed Martin, and keep up a steady hobby of palientology (hey, some things never change). Its been great to get this off my chest. Now I'm off to lunch with Zippy.

Dover Dover Dover!

That's right--the high holy holiday of The Outside Groove is coming! I'll be there IN THE PITS, getting the hard-hitting interviews! And here's your chance to ask the questions! Now, granted, its virtually impossible for an internet dude to get an interview with, say, Dale Earnhardt Jr., but I'll try my best to ASK YOUR QUESTIONS to the drivers. Just no guarentees, and no Harvick-style whining.

Send 'em in today!

Charlotte All-Star Night "News" and Notes

--By popular demand, The Nextel Open has been renamed "The Outside Groove's Beyond 35 Invitational".

--This begins the annual 10 day run of Humpy Wheeler seeming to be a bigger deal than Mike Helton.

--When asked about his feud with Michael Waltrip, Jeff Green replied "I wish I had a TV show so I could talk bad about people too." Jeff, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.

--Nascar removed the traditional week off between Richmond and the All-Star weekend. Sure, this is a non-points race at the "home track", but that's like saying a day of working from home is a vacation.

--Kenny Wallace is considering wether referring to Kurt Busch as "Nascar's biggest Gall Star" is too obscure of a joke.

--After Roger Penske "File" bought out Rusty Wallace and Don Miller, Ryan Newman and Matt Borland celebrated with "the biggest party since Tim Richmond".

ODDS:
5:1 You'll refer to the All-Star race as The Winston.
12:1 The discussion I have at the bar about the dearth of special paint schemes in this year's run will remotely interest anyone.
20:1 The free concert before the race will NOT feature an appearence by Darius Rucker.

Where does the money go?

A weekly-esque look at where the sponsorship money for your favorite drivers is spent.

This week: Ken Schrader

14% Life-extending preservatives for Ken (the same kind used in Red Baron frozen pizzas).

16% Travel costs.

19% PR campaign to remind fans that owner Beth Ann Morgantheau is NOT French.

1% Driver development program.

20% Translator for Klaus Graf.

21% Call blocking, email filters, and bodyguards to keep Carrott Top at bay.

9% Payment to Fox to refer to a 12th place finish as "a great run for Kenny."

A Truly Completely Innane Fact

Did you realize that Bill Elliott owns the rights to his own number style?

Bill Elliott owns the rights to the number-style used on his #94 car for the final season. Additionally, Ray Evernham has a sponsorship deal with Mountain Dew that, until recently, was completely exclusive to any Coca-Cola related products. Bill Elliott was only allowed to have the Coca-Cola logo on the B-bar of his car because they were a personal sponsor of his. Therefore, whenever you saw a "Coca-Cola Racing Family" ad, the 9 used was never Evernham's "spikey" 9--it was the Elliott "slim" 9.

Its facts like these that explain why I'm still single.

Erratictude of the Postingings

Lately, you might have noticed that I haven't been updating at night every time. Also, I have (gasp!) missed a post on one day. Why? No, I haven't become Lelani Munter's boy-toy (yet). Instead, Blogger's been a bit picky lately in when I can log on. As such, I can't always log in at night, so instead of posting in the morning, I continue to try to log in, getting more and more perturbed till I fall asleep. Yep, writing Nascar humor for no pay--THIS IS THE LIFE!

I'll be catching up on my articles soon (a 2-fer day is in the works). Also, more information soon on the upcoming Dover weekend, which will be the first official holiday for this website. Stay tuned!


I said TUNE!

Beyond Thirty Five

How the drivers out of the top 35 in points did at the "little D".

11-Jason Leffler (finished 25th) Quieting the rumors that he's losing his job to Joe Bessey.
7-Robby Gordon (31st) Robby? Causing an annoying late race caution? Amazing!
92-Tony Raines (35th) With Stanton Barrett out of the picture, this team will really shine.
32-Bobby Hamilton Jr. (36th) Now talk that Tide might be leaving--heay, Rudd Performance Motorsports did GREAT after Tide left them.
66-Hermie Sadler (38th) Has a radio show sponsoring him at Charlotte. No, really.
09-Johnny Sauter (41st) The Saut is out!
89-Morgan Shepherd (42nd) I bet its that unlucky green color that's doing him in.
75-Mike Garvey (43st) Nascar's very own mystery man.

Final Exam

Part II

FILL IN THE BLANK
1. Penske Racing South will switch to Toyota in ___ months.
2. Ward Burton's decision to stay with Bill Davis, instead of going to Hendrick Motorsports, was very ____.
3. Alfonso Riberio was in attendence at the _____ Busch race for some unexplainable reason.
4. Those who place bets on the winner of the Nextel Open have a serious ______ addiction.
5. The Coca-Cola 600 is ___ more enjoyable than the Indianapolis 500.

ESSAY
1. If a field filler's car stalls in the forest, does it make a sound? And does that sound resemble an athmatic cat? Discuss.
2. Will you go see Herbie: Fully Loaded fully loaded? Support your claim with examples.
3. Choose a side in this debate: Nascar and, by extension, its broadcast partners give an inordanately large about of coverage to Dale Earnhardt Jr. Debate this topic without making me fall asleep.

Final Exams

Richmond Preview is Below

Part I

MULTIPLE CHOICE:

1. Driver A starts racing on Rockingham speedway at 1pm, going 120 mph. Driver B starts racing on Rockingham speedway at 2pm, going 140 mph. At what time does Driver B catch Driver A?
a. 2:30pm
b. 3:15pm
c. 4:00pm
d. Never--ISC would throw them out for trespassing.

2. Which of the following is NOT a real "drink responsibily" slogan?
a. Pace Yourself
b. Drink Smart
c. Federal Law Mandates That We Spend 10% of Our Budget on This Drivel
d. Know When to Say When

3. Ryan wins a race. Rusty owns 25% of Ryan's team. Ryan won $1,500,000 in race winnings. How much money should Rusty receive from Ryan?
a. $5,000, all in pennies.
b. $400,000, plus a 10% gratuity for respect.
c. "All of it, you Moe Howard lookalike."
d. 500 Penske Points at your local K-Mart.

4. Shane wants to win this week's race. Shane comes in 17th. What will Shane say over the radio?
a. The G*&#@(#* radiatior blew again!
b. The Mother&))*& engine's dead!
c. That D#&* Sonofab($!& wrecked me!
d. Someone must've left the Winfuel out in the sun--I'm hallucinating again.

5. If Mark Martin runs 14 special paint schemes this year, and at least 50% of each diecast run is sold, how many years will Mark Martin be able to live comfortably after retiring?
a. 40 years
b. 80 years
c. To the level of immortals
d. Till the world is ruled by damn dirty apes.


ANALOGIES

1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. is to Michael Waltrip AS Dog is to
a. Parasite
b. Tick
c. Blood-sucking lice
d. Aarons

2. Bristol is to Excitement AS Pocono is to
a. Sedative
b. Ambien
c. Coma
d. The Mattollis have compromising pictures of Brian France

3. Richard Petty is to "King of Stock Car Racing" AS Jayski is to
a. "King of Stock Car Nerds"
b. "Duke of News Links"
c. "Prince of Pole Progression"
d. "Swami of Silly Season"

4. Football is to Ryan Leaf AS Racing is to
a. Terry Bradshaw
b. Jim Kelly
c. Troy Aikman
d. Mark Rypien

5. Superstar is to Kurt Busch AS Field Filler is to
a. Stanton Barrett
b. Kirk Shelmerdine
c. Morgan Shepherd
d. Ricky Rudd

Richmond "News" and Notes

--The Jeff Green/Michael Waltrip rivalry rages on, proving that even the most medicore drivers can put on a great show.
--Richmond is one of only three short tracks left on the Nacar schedule. The proliferation of mid-sized flat tracks is believed to be caused by "stupidity".
--In non-Cup news, the Truck Series runs this week at Mansfield Speedway in Ohio. This is the most famous thing to happen to Mansfield since Jayne.
--Scott Riggs will be racing with a special air freshener in his car this week. Riggs' PR says that this has nothing to do with said air freshener being on the hood of his car this week--its just for kicks.
--Ryan Newman wrecked in practice after posting the fastest time. If he gets the pole, expect Kenny Wallace to say, "Man, NOTHING can stop this guy in qualifying!" on Nascar this morning.

ODDS:
2:1 Someone will wreck about 10 times but still finish only 5 laps down.
10:1 Darrell Waltrip will speak glowingly of Toyota
99:1 Larry McReynolds will speak glowingly of Alex Meshkin.

The Outside Groove Headline Contest...Winner!

Congrats to Jim Reed with the winning entry. And thanks to everyone who entered!

Wallace & Martin cancel retirement to split driving time in Geritol sponsored car
In a surprising move, aging Nascar superstars Rusty Wallace and Mark Martin have called off their respective retirement plans for 2006 in order to split time in a co-owned, Geritol-sponsored car.
"We think that two old guys are better than one", an ebullient Martin joked at yesterday's press conference. "We're gonna show those young guns that with a little luck, a lot of experience, and some Geritol, old guys can still get it done. And WITHOUT playing their music so loud in the shop—Carl Edwards, I'm looking in your direction."
The duo will co-own the car, which will carry the colors of Geritol, the famed anti-aging multi-vitamin, on the hood. Buddy Parrott is expected to sign on as crew chief.
"Man, I'm so excited about this nice ol' hot rod", Rusty Wallace explained. "Mark and I are out to prove that you can win without teammates. I said WITHOUT teammates. You hear that Ryan? No, calm down Travis, you'd kvool."
Associate sponsors such as Colonial Penn Insurance, Blue Star Ointment, and the Tourism Board of Atlantic City are already lined up. Additionally, Buick is reportedly mulling a return to the sport.
Fellow retiree Terry Labonte reportedly turned down a chance to pilot the car in select races, mostly due to Rusty's stringent "no facial hair" policy. Never-the-less, spirits remain high for the new old team.
"We're looking to take the sport to a whole old demographic", Wallace explained. "And for sex appeal? Lets just say that Handsome Harry Gant might wind up in some shirtless photos."

Where Does the Money Go?

A sometimes weekly, sometimes not look at where the sponsorship dollars for your favorite drivers are spent.

This week: Michael Waltrip

14% Hair gel (bulk rate).

3% Statoinary and pens for apology letters to Lake Speed, RPM 2night, et al.

23% Travel costs for transportation between 14 different weekly tv shows.

10% Promotional costs for new book, "The Fury of Eury".

1% Joke writers (believed to be Nick Bakay and Bruce Villanch).

19% Hospital vist after consumption of corn dogs, generic meat, and pizza in the same hour.

16% Retainer fee for job search agency.

14% Elaborte, secretive device known only as the "Green-stopper".

Coming to a TV Screen Near You...

...There's was a rivalry unlike any other, one rooted in deception, intrigue, and the total lack of respect. Be there for the thrilling week of action on TV's more entralling soap opera...

Penske

Young hot-shot Ryan Newman--he's willing to do anything to get to the front, be it engineering, testing, or stealing Bobby Labonte's haircut.
Ryan's soulmate Matt Borland, a cold-calculating numbers cruncher. This is a man that shows no remorse, no emotion--and no sense when pitting for tires.
Rusty Wallace, a legend who's place in the record books is well-kept. But he can't resist the urge for one last go-round of whining.
Can anyone break this triangle? Maybe it'll be Travis Kvapil, the boy caught in the middle, wondering what the hell he's gotten himself into.
And don't forget the wildly hilarious antics of Brendan Gaughan, the lovable loser who can't accept that he's been fired!
So, catch it all this week...on PENSKE.

Followed by Shane Hmeil, Fully Loaded.

Rusty Wallace's Hit List

--Raymond Beadle

--Kodiak

--Matt Borland

--That guy who came up with the bright idea to put all his diecast cars on plastic bases

--Jeremy Mayfield

--Matt Borland

--Dale Earnhardt (occasionally)

--Jeff Gordon

--Matt Borland

--Ryan Newman

--Bill Wilburn

--Matt Borland

--Tony Danza

--Matt Borland

--Matt Borland

Beyond Thirty Five

How those drivers who had to race their way in did on Mother's Day Eve:

#22-Scott Wimmer (finished 25th) Moves back into the top 35, elicting a big "whew" from his 5 fans.
#00-Kenny Wallace (27th) In other news, Kenny hits the dramatic route in the new Stacker 2 ads.
#32-Bobby Hamilton Jr. (30th) Challenging Mike Wallace for most Beyond Thirty Five appearences.
#92-Stanton Barrett (31st) Continues to tear up the back of the field.
#37-Kevin Lepage (32nd) Word is he can get you a great deal on a Vermont Teddy Bear, Slightly Irregular.
#66-Hermie Sadler (40th) Missed the drivers meeting to convert his sponsorship payment from coins to bills.
#80-Carl Long (42nd) Out early because of a rear end. Nah, I won't touch that one.
#34-Jeff Fuller (43rd) Jeff Fuller? Who's next, Rick Wilson?

Advertise On The Outside Groove!

The Outside Groove regularly attracts over 150 vistors per day, and is the only Nascar-specific humor website to be updated nightly. As an advertiser on The Outside Groove, you can be guarenteed a high-impact to our regular readers, most of whom include The Outside Groove as a bookmark. Additionally, with our recent alliance with Catchfence.com, The Outside Groove is now attracting new visitors from one of the most popular Nascar news websites. The Outside Groove provided the best targeted advertising and bang for your buck around.

The Outside Groove offers three plans for advertisers--
Basic Plan:
As a basic plan member, you'll get your logo and link placed directly below my advertisements for Google Adsense. This is where the "Advertise!" button you clicked on is currently located. This is available at $25 for 30-day increments. For less than a dollar a day, you can reach over 150 Nascar fans with your message.

Sampler Plan:
The Sampler Plan includes all the amenities listed above, but at a shorter rate (and lower cost) for those looking to try out The Outside Groove. For just $10 you will have your logo and link on The Outside Groove for a 7-day period of your choice. A great plan for those looking for a bargain option.

Title Sponsor Plan:
As Title Sponsor, The Outside Groove will be renamed in your company's title: "Your Company Presents The Outside Groove". In addition, you will have a button and link at the top and bottom of every page of the website. All of this is available for just $50 a month.

Payments can be made through PayPal with any credit card. Email me at mackler@gmail.com for more information or to apply!

Happy Mother's Day!

And now, a tribute to my mom's favorite driver

S is for the stupid, stupid owners,
T only mean that he's tiny, short (he's tiny short)
R just hear that roaring, dying engine
E -very week it seems he's at a fort (or is that port?)
M stands for the major years ahead of him
M another M, cause he won't miss Fedewa
E his biggest fan, each and every week's my MOTHER
David Stemme fan, numero 1!

Darlington "News" and Notes

--Jimmie Johnson has been catching heat lately for aggressive driving. Rumors are that if the accusations continue, he might actually show emotion.

--Some are wondering if this could be the final race at Darlington. If so, Nascar PR will have to deal with "The Flack Too Tough to Tame"

--Matt Kenseth has been successful in the Busch Series Darlington races, but has not done as well in Cup races. Is this guy like Mark Martin or what?

--John Andretti's ppc Racing team will be back on the track in the summer. Authorities are searching for anyone who cares about this announcement.

--This marks the first time in almost 20 years that Nascar races on Mother's Day weekend. Mother's Day has traditionally been a much more important day to Nascar than Father's Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, or Labor Day. Why? I'd give an answer, but I'd like to stay on speaking terms with MY mom this weekend.

ODDS:
3:2 Kenny Wallace will babble on "Nascar This Morning" about how close he was to winning the Busch Race.
100:1 Brian France will change the track's unofficial nickname to "The Black Lady", then claim Darlington as a part of the Drive for Diversity.
1000:1 I'll go a full weekend without hatemail for that comment.

Morgan Shepherd on Outside The Lines--A Preview

Tonight Morgan "Remington Steele" Shepherd appears on ESPN's Outside The Lines to talk about racing on a shoestring budget. However, that isn't all that was talked about in the interview. Here's some of the shocking details:

--His sponsor hasn't paid him in years.

--That tire-scuffing incident at New Hampshire? Government conspiracy.

--Morgan once slept with Paula Abdul to get ahead on American Idol.

--His car number refers to the age he appears to be.

--He and Rick Mast are the same person.

--If Darlington is ever torn down, Morgan will shed a single tear, then curse like a sailor for days.

--Loves kitties.

Where Does the Money Go?

A sorta-weekly look at where the sponsorship dollars for your favorite drivers is spent

This Week: Kurt Busch

12% Sunglasses to shield eyes from Irwin Tools car.

17% Educational programs to remind people that "Ku. Busch" is an abbreviation--its not pronounced "Koo Busch"

21% Disposal costs of over 500 little purple velvet bags.

10% Lobbying fees to have metallic Sharpies deemed "The greatest invention since sliced bread."

22% Couples counseling (cost shared with Greg Biffle).

18% Bodyguards to keep Brendan Gaughan from hassling him for a job.

Enter The Outside Groove's Headline Contest!

Be sure to get your best headlines in by Thursday night to be entered in The Outside Groove's Second Headline Contest. Come up with your best headline--fake, funny, or even real--and I'll chose the best one for an article. The best of the rest will be in a future "Headlines From Hell" article.
And remember, by participating in this contest, you are more powerful than Chuck Bown and Lance Hooper COMBINED!!!

Beyond Thirty Five

How the drivers outside the top 35 in points did at Daytona's evil twin:

#09-Johnny Sauter (finished 16th) Strong run for a team recently hit with the bad luck associated with having a crappy driver.
#33-Kerry Earnhardt (17th) Two straight strong runs--why won't someone give him a ride? Oh, right, he wrecks all the time.
#1-Martin Truex Jr. (21st) Strong run for the Busch regular--and then reality set in.
#4-Mike Wallace (28th) ...and I'm Ed Bradley. All thus plus Andy Rooney tonight on "60 Minutes".
#66-Hermie Sadler (29th) I bet it was just a coincidence that Fox put a camera in his car, and he just happened to have sponsorship from Aarons, who advertises on Fox non-stop and uses one of their announcers as a spokesperson. No, they wanted that camera to catch all the exciting Hermie action!
#36-Boris Said (35th) The Oscar Gamble of racing (only 70's baseball fans get this joke).
#32-Bobby Hamilton Jr. (40st) Insert "Roll Tide" joke here.
#23-Mike Skinner (42nd) Sad thing is, Mike thinks that HE'S going to be going to Cup with Toyota.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Theater Presentation

To the snappy tune of Elvis' "Burning Love", its a tribute to everyone's favorite Nascar reporter.

Lord almighty,
I hear a new story spreadin'
Further and further
Is it a rumor or true?
My, my, my
Jayski just cannot confirm it
I want the truth
And I know just what to do

For news there's no one better
For interviews she'll get 'er
On channel one four four
Claire B. Lang

Ooh, ooh, ooh,
Drivin' on down on the highway
I'm gettin' bored
The traffic, it just never ends
Waiting, waiting
Old radio's boring
But I'm happy today
I got XM!

For news there's no one better
For interviews she'll get 'er
On channel one four four
Claire B. Lang

Takin' some callers
And sendin' some cars 'round
Workin' with Farley
From the races this week
The drivers they know
That she's meanin' business
In this business
You just can't be meek

For news there's no one better
For interviews she'll get 'er
On channel one four four
Claire B. Lang