Taking A Stand Against the Mini-Page

(quasi-sequel to yesterday's article)
On Sunday, I happened to be reading the Sunday Comics section of my local newspaper, mostly to see if Beetle Bailey was being called up to active duty. We have a section called the "Mini-Page" that also appears in other papers across the country. Its a run-of-the-mill "kids page" with riddles, mazes, and cartoons. As with most of these newspaper sections, there is a brief interview. This one was with a VERY young actress appearing in the upcoming movie "Zoom". Her name shocked me to the core:
The real name of the 8-year-old actress

Taking a Stand Against the Funnies

Recently, I saw something very disturbing in the comic pages of my local paper--and no, it wasn't Baby Blues. It was this comic of "Shoe". While usually your run-of-the-mill comic strip, this one included a run-of-the-mill reference to Nascar. What many of you DON'T know is that there was an original fourth panel, featuring Cosmo's response:
"Roz, they used to start much earlier, but network tv dictated that races start later in the day. You see, years ago Nascar scheduled their races earlier in the day, which worked out great for networks who didn't want a 'regional sport' bleeding into prime time. However, once the popularity of Nascar exploded, NBC and Fox decided to have races end later in the day. That way, with an estimated finish of 6-7pm, they could lead right into their primetime shows, much like the NFL. So, you see, that's why they don't start earlier. That's why."
Check back tomorrow for my analysis of "Curtis"!

We've Got The Weekend Off!

Nascar's top drivers enjoy a rare off-week this weekend before heading to Indianapolis. Drivers routinely express the difficulty of Nascar's 38-week schedule, so lets see what some of them are doing to pass the time on their week off:

Clint Bowyer--Racing in St. Louis Busch Series race.

Kyle Busch--Racing in St. Louis Busch Series race.

J.J. Yeley--Racing in St. Louis Busch Series race.

Denny Hamlin--Racing in St. Louis Busch Series race.

Kevin Harvick--Racing in St. Louis Busch Series race.

Kenny Wallace--Racing in St. Louis Busch Series race.

Reed Sorenson--Racing in St. Louis Busch Series race.

Carl Edwards--Racing in St. Louis Busch Series race.

Scott Wimmer--Racing in St. Louis Busch Series race.

Finally...The Big Day

"Look, for the last time, buddy, I’m NOT Rollie Fingers! And furthermore!—"

WE INTERRUPT "MY CLASSIC CAR" FOR A SPEED NEWS SPECIAL REPORT

Hello from the Speed Channel studios, we are going to the direct feed from The Outside Groove for today’s big announcement…lets join Mike Mackler at the Teri Polo Center in Newark Delaware.

Hello, and welcome to the first ever Induction Ceremony for The Outside Groove’s Hall of Fame. I’d like to thank you all for coming, and let’s get on with the ceremony.

When I put the decision of electing the first Hall of Famer to our selection committee, I thought, “who SHOULD I…I mean, we, elect first?” It could have been anyone, really—anyone who exhibited the qualities of The Outside Groove. They include humor, oddity, lack of success, and, most of all, fodder for poorly-written fake news stories. However, in the end, there was really only one deserving choice. So, it is my honor to announce the first ever inductee into The Outside Groove Hall of Fame.

DERRIKE COPE!

We let Derrike choose his inductor, for the ceremony, fellow Washingtonian Statian Kasey Kahne. However, Mr. Kahne was unable to attend, appear via satellite, or correspond with us by email. We did, however, receive this letter from his lawyer, which I will now read out loud: “Dear Mr. Cope: We have issued a cease-and-desist order for your harassment of our client, Mr. Kahne. Despite your repeated requests, he will not appear with you at a fake Hall of Fame ceremony in Delaware. Furthermore, he will not get you a Truck Series ride, nor will he get you the number of the redhead in the Allstate commercials. If you continue to contact Mr. Kahne, we will be forced to file for a restraining order.”

Ah, yes, words of reverence from a young superstar. Now, let’s bring out the guest of honor, shall we? Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Derrike Cope.

“Thank you, Mike. For the record, I had absolutely no intention of showing up here on my own volition, but once your check cleared, I couldn’t say no. I mean, it was triple-digits, folks. Anyways, I just wanted to thank all of the people and sponsors who made it possible for me to get to where I am. Thank you to Avacor, who put me in their hair restoration commercials, plus gave me a five-year supply of their product. After months of arduous surgery and painful skin grafts, I am finally able to comb my hair again without pain. Thank you to the rock band Poison, for sponsoring my car. When we were out there together, it was like 1990 all over again. Except I was barely able to qualify and you guys could barely afford race tickets. Thank you to Sara Lee, my sponsor for one year with the 30 car—nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee, and for one year, nobody didn’t like Derrike Cope. And finally, I have to thank the man, the late Dale Earnhardt. If it wasn’t for your sudden blown tire at Daytona, I would never be here today. With only one win, I would be just another Johnny Benson, not a Derrike Cope. Thank you, and if anyone has any sponsorship leads, please let me know.”

Thank you, Derrike. That’s all for today, except for the unveiling of Mr. Cope’s plaque…

Viola!

The Outside Groove Hall of Fame: Inaugrual Class

No article today, as The Outside Groove prepares to induct the first class into the brand new Hall of Fame. This amazing structure, located in the heart of Delaware, will host only the drivers and Nascar personalities that best embody The Outside Groove. But there's much more to this than just inductees. Take a look at some of the permanent exibits on display:

From Barkdoll to Barrett: Field Fillers of our Time

Nascar: The Sport of Uncles

Surprising upsets: Kulwicki claims championship, Gilliland wins in Busch, Mackler gets date

If You Listen REEEAL Closely, You can Hear North Wilkesboro Crying

Strange Names: Kluever, Kvapil, Agajanian, and Martin

The Outside Groove and CART: Why all the hate?


Tune in tomorrow, and wear your tux--its a black-tie event!

Headlines From Hell: Back in Black

"Great Clips partners with diet guru, takes sponsorship to Atkins Racing"

"Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr delay Kurt Busch's wedding"

"Sadler traded to Evernham for Mayfield, cash, and a Sauter to be named later"

"Michael Waltrip has winning design for Jeff Burton's Holiday Inn car"

"Washed-up actress from crappy 80's movie to serve as Busch Series Grand Marshall"*

"Michael Waltrip: 'I'll NEVER step out of my ride to improve my team!'"

"Stewart well on way to establishing rivalries with every driver in Nextel Cup"

"Boris Said commences air raid on Red Bull headquarters"

and...

"Biffle completes Sub Club card"




*Sadly, this is true. Thanks, Cassandra--its 2 hours of my life I'll never get back.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

The lament of Bill Davis:
This guy's got it pretty rough. First, he loses Jeff Gordon. THEN, he loses Bobby Labonte. THEN he lets Ward Burton get replaced by Scott Wimmer. Finally, he sets up a partnership with Michael Waltrip, only to have him "leave" before the season starts. Here's how Bill must have felt, to the tune of "Look Away" by Chicago.

When you called me in Daytona,
Told me bout the points that you’d found,
I’m said I’m happy for you,
I’m really happy for you.
Merged with Bawel,
Gotta guaranteed spot comin’ round.
I guess its over, Mikey;
Its really over, Mikey, whoa...
No I’m not surprised
Because its just the same old song;
Thought that I was right, but four times I’ve been wrong,
Hey, you’ll still get your cars from me
But you’ll stop callin’ when we get the new Camry.

But if you see me in the pits,
And my head is in my mitts,
Look away, Mikey, look away.
If we meet on the track someday,
And you’re richer than today,
Look away, Mikey, look away.
You won--whoopee;
My consolation prize is Blaney.

So I started with Jeff Gordon,
But he went to the 24,
Thats how it had to be,
So I signed up Labonte.
But then Jarrett moved
And Bobby wanted more;
Had no luck with Randy,
So Burton came to me, woah...
We started to win,
And then we captured Daytona;
But then things got bad, and Ward hated the cauh.
Things couldn’t get much worse than that;
But then I put Mr. Scott Wimmer in the CAT.

But if you see me in the pits,
And my head is in my mitts,
Look away, Mikey, look away.
If we meet on the track someday,
And you’re richer than today,
Look away, Mikey, look away.
You won--whoopee;
My consolation prize is Blaney.

If Tony Stewart Had His Way...

(at the Indy rookie meeting)
Mike Helton: "...and if Jermaine O'Neal tries to punch you, just duck. Now, some of you might have heard comments made after the race up at Pocono two weeks ago. Well, here to talk to you young guys about how to properly race is Nascar's newest elder statesman, Tony Stewart."
(polite clapping from Denny Hamlin and J.J. Yeley)
Stewart: "Thank you, thank you. Now, a lot of you probably heard my comments after the last race we had. I realized that its unfair for me to expect so much out of such young drivers, without me explaining it first. So, let me outline to you the ways to succeed in Nextel Cup:
1. In the first 40 laps of a 500-mile race, don't pass too agressively. In fact, you probably shouldn't do it during the whole first half-no wait, first 2/3 of a race. Better play it safe--no passing at all. That way we all have a good clean run out there.
2. If two drivers are going for the same spot, let the driver with the most experience have it. Studies have shown that, in order to atract the lucrative youth market, Nascar must have as many 30 and 40-something drivers win. I mean, I know when I was growing up, there was nothing like seeing Hershall McGriff pull his car into victory lane.
3. If someone DOES get into you, its perfectly fine to give them an obscene gesture. After a rough incident like that, the last place you want your hand is on the steering wheel, anyways.
4. When you're starting out, be as big of a jerk as you can be. Kick cameras, berate fellow drivers, force garages to change autograph policies. That way, a few years later, you can start acting like any decent human being, and people will think you're golden!
5. David Stremme, this one is directed at you: If you're David Stremme, stop racing.
Well, that's it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some chores to do. I mean, that Hearse isn't going to wash itself, now."

Pocono "News" and Notes

Unbeknowst to many, "Pocono" is actually a native American term, meaning "Triangle". "Triangle", meanwhile, is a Middle-English term, meaning "Boring Races".

Mark Martin is being non-committal about his future beyond this season, refusing to say whether or not he'll be running a full-schedule, partial-schedule, or none at all.
Now, take this fun quiz: The above news item is from:
A: 2005
B: 2006
C: Both A & B
D: Sugar Ray Leonard

Scott Wimmer is apparently so "in-the-know" when it comes to his own Nascar team, he doesn't realize if his own sponsor is leaving or staying for the rest of the season. Don't blame THIS on an inner-ear infection too, Wimmy.

Mike Wallace has said that he's signed a three-year agreement with a sponsor for the Busch Series, but is not saying who it is, nor which team he will run it with. Odds are that Angela's Motorsports and Big Daddy's Hot Sauce are prominantly involved.

Some fans may be wondering why there's never any Nascar-sanctioned support races at Pocono. Well, come on--when you have 80-year-old comedians performing at the Raleigh each night, how could you waste your time on a RACE?!?

ODDS
3:1 Allen Bestwick will start to softly sob midway through his Busch Series play-by-play.
10:1 There will be 6-wide racing.
100:1 There will be 3-wide passing.

Danica Patrick Star

Lately, everyone's been talking about one thing--Kurt Busch's wedding being moved due to endangered tiger beetles. But some other people are talking about why Danica Patrick is thinking about leaving Rahal-Letterman for another team, possibly even for Nascar. It might have something to with her most recent contract negotiations:

Danica: "I'm looking forward to signing an extention--all I really need is a guarentee that the team is committed to improving."

Dave: "Say, Danica, you ever watch those NFL Films shows? They got that guy on the Raiders, Alan Faneca--Danica Faneca. Danica Faneca. Danica Faneca. Danica Faneca. You hear that Bob?

Bobby Rahal: "Yeah, Fanaca, HAAAAAAAH."

Dave: "So, uh, what are you here to talk about today?"

Danica: "I already told you--I want a contract ext--"

Dave: "Wait, I think its time for Stagehands Gone Wild--hit it Bob!"

Bob: (playing piano) "We got some stagehands--and they're all normal. But sometimes now and then, these stagehand, they go wild!"

Dave: "Today we got our old buddy Biff Henderson--Biff, what are you gonna do for us today?"

Biff: (long pause, looking into camera while tourists in audience giggle) "...poop."

Bob: Bob: (playing piano) "We got some stagehands--and they're all normal. But sometimes now and then, these stagehand, they go wild!"

Danica: "Dave, I think we really need to--"

Dave: "Hold that thought, its time for tonight's Top Ten List."

(long, drawn out graphics squence)

Dave: "Faneca. Faneca. Hehe. OK, Top Ten from our home office in Wahoo Nebraska, Top Ten reasons while Danica Patrick shouldn't go to Nascar:
10. The fans have less teeth than hockey players"

Bob: "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

Dave: "9. George Bush wants to be her crew chief. You hear that Bob? Crew Chief."

Bob: "Yeah, crew chief, yeah."

Dave: "Hehe! HAHA! HA-(coughing fit)"

Danica: "Screw it, Mach 1 is better than this team."

The Candyman Can!

If Jayski is to be believed, Elliott Sadler is headed to Evernham Motorsports next season to drive the #19 Dodge. This move makes total sense for Evernham on a number of fronts. For example:

--You just know they already have a bunch of merchandise with "Elliott" on it.
--Dodge will finally be able to tap the lucrative southern US market--a longtime hotbed of import cars.
--Goodbye "Dodge Dealers UAW Charger". Hellow "Dodge Dealers UADubya Charger"!
--Maybe he can figure out what a "Team Director" does.

Then again, there's also a few downsides. Take a look:
--Elliott currently drives the #38 car. Elliott has 38 hunting dogs. Next year, Elliott will drive the #19 car. Uh oh.
--As former President Warren G. Harding once said, "Never trust a man with a brother named 'Hermie'".
--What will the #19 crew do without such a "level-headed" leader?
--Take it from me, Elliott--nobody gets the Riggs/Murtaugh joke.

As Seen on Speed Channel This Afternoon

"weeaaneeahneahweeahdadadada--"

WE INTERRUPT "JAY LENO TALKS INCOHERENTLY ABOUT CARS" FOR A SPEED NEWS SPECIAL REPORT

Hello from the Speed Channel studios, we are about to go live to today's big press conference...yes, we go live to the George Thorogood Center in Newark Delaware for today's announcement from Mike Mackler.

Hello. I have decided to set the record straight. In the past few days, rumors have begun to circulate about the nature of my relationship with Michael Waltrip. Some have gone so far as to describe us as in a "fan/favorite driver" situation. I am here today to vehemently deny these claims, and am prepared to fight these allegations one-by-one.
--I have not, at any time, purchased any items from NAPA. I would rather pay 50% extra from a high school dropout at Pep Boys than walk by a storefront of outdated #15 signs.
--Yes, I do watch reruns of Inside Nextel Cup, but it is NOT for Mr. Waltrip. It is only for my longtime muse, Dave Despain. I mean, you can't even FIND him on Speed News anymore, with Bob Varsha on all the time. It seems like every time I turn on the TV its Varsha doing commentary, Varsha breaking a story--its just...VARSHA VARSHA VARSHA!!! But I digress.
--I do, in fact, visit my barber regularly, and my hairstyle is, in fact, based on that of Bill Elliott--wavy but in control.
I hope that this clears up any confusion, but let me state this again--I am NOT a fan of Michael Waltrip, nor have I ever been. In fact, I stay as far away from Waltrip-related entities as much as possible. During a family vacation to San Francisco, I refused to visit the Napa Valley. Instead of eating Domino's, I'd rather eat a grease-laden, pizza-like food substance known as "Pizza Hut". Hey, I won't even watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (well, I did once, when Michael WAS a vampire, sucking the life out of DEI).
Thank you, and now I must return to my true love--collecting posters of shirtless Derrike Cope.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

Kyle Busch celebrates his win at New Hampshire to the tune of "Jumpin' Jack Flash":

Had the lead, at the track in Loudon
I’m on fumes, and my crew ain’t havin’ fun,
But we’ll win it if we have enough gas!
But we’ll win it. I'm savin’ that fuel,
For a last-lap duel.

There’s a wreck, can we make it to the end,
We might not need a red flag (but pretend!),
But we’ll still win if we have enough gas!
But we’ll still win. I'm savin’ my stuff,
But Hamlin looks tough.

What the hell?!? Al—why aren’t we goin’ green?
There’s a wreck? But its yellow—what d’ya mean?
Oh its Waltrip, man this seems like a bad dream.
Oh-ver-time
Green-white-done, and we’re still in front to win.
I just hope you’re not blinded by my grin!
And we won it ‘cause we had enough gas!
And we won it. I’m happy to crow
About Sunoco.

Ted Stephens Explains Restrictor Plate Racing

"Now, years ago, these guys were running the Nascars, and they-they started goin' way too fast. You think Nascar is all about goin' fast, but they were too fast for the tracks. This wasn't at all-all the tracks, just the fast ones. These guys were crashing and crashing, so they had to do something to the Nascars."

"The guys who ran the racetracks, they had an idea. They put these dinnerplates on the engines to st-stop the air from getting into the engine. You see, the air goes into the engine through the handyfold, and it pushes out the gas, which makes the speed. These dinnerplates have these-these holes in 'em, and it stops the air from making the gas."

"Restrictor plate racing is not a big locomotive--its a series of drafts!"

Nooh Hamshah "News" and Notes

The newest rumor making the rounds has Elliott Sadler going to the #19 car, replacing Jeremy Mayfield. The breakup from Robert Yates could be particularly difficult, however, as they currently share joint custody of the yellow M&M.

Meanwhile, Jeremy Mayfield's name has surfaced as a possibility for one of Michael Waltrip's teams. Waltrip appears to be assembling a dream team of drivers...from 1998.

McLaren has decided to "Keyshawn" Juan Pablo Montoya, refusing to let him drive for their team, while not letting him out of his contract. A similar situation arose in the Busch Series years ago with David Stremme--the main difference being that now, actual talent is involved.

Nascar will be on the lookout for retailiation between Matt Kenseth and Jeff Gordon. This is mostly because, when the two were summoned to the "Oval Office" following last week's race, Mike Helton told them, "Guys, keep it up--the attention is great!"

In the Busch Series, Frank Cicci has decided to scale back their schedule for the 2006 season, leaving many fans to wonder, "Wait, they were running a full schedule?"

ODDS:
3:1 Ryan Newman will cement his legacy of "Mr. Friday" by wrecking in the first 100 laps.
8:1 Bill Weber will point out that Tony Stewart donated another $1 Million to the Victory Junction Gang Camp. A few seconds later, Tony will spin someone out.
20:1 The Boston media will begin to ask whether or not there's a "Curse of Travis Kvapil".

500 Posts!

Today, we celebrate 500 Posts on The Outside Groove. In case you've missed them, here's a recap:

--Tony Stewart doesn't shave that often.

--Kasey Kahne looks effeminine.

--Robby Gordon wrecks alot.

--Dale Earnhardt Jr. is popular.

--There's lots of commercials for the same products during races.

--Darrell Waltrip is a shill.

--Michael Waltrip is a massive shill.

--CART sucks.

--I'm still single.

Happy 500!

Kids Today

Matt Kenseth has had no luck lately. First, he spins out. Then, he runs out of fuel. THEN, he wrecks with David Stremme. THEN MONDAY, he gets rear ended on the street by a student driver (read it here). Here's what Matt had to say after the incident:

"Its obvious that it was retaliation for what happened before back at Bristol Road. Back at the light about a mile back, we gunned our engine next to his car. I know he's gonna say it had nothing to do with that, but he's a smart kid. There's no way he's gonna say that it was retaliation. If you ask me, the state troopers have to take a good look at this. And his dad should give him the 'black flag' on his date with the girl from the Wal-Mart, if he's going to be fair."

No, this is true...

Back in high school, it was well known that I was a Nascar fan (it was also well known that I blew my nose alot, but that's a different story). During my sophmore year, there were a large amount of bomb threats, and everyone would be evacuated to the field in front of the school. These always seemed to happen during art class, where I bizzarely hung out with some of the cooler guys.
One of these guys was Ryan, and he was the stereotypical "in-crowd" guy. He was a football player, always had dates, and, not surprisingly, loved to bust my balls. He was the first person I saw, however, who did something that would make my blood boil:
Blindly say that open-wheel racing was better than Nascar.
Oh, you've ALL met these guys--they watch one tape-delayed broadcast of San Marino on Speed, and suddenly they just KNOW that F1 is better than Nascar. And, of course, since Nascar hadn't really exploded yet (that would happen in college, where nobody cared), there wasn't much I could do.
Ryan, you said during ALLLL those bomb threats how F1 was better than Nascar, how F1 drivers were SOOO better than Nascar drivers.
Well it looks like one of those exalted F1 drivers has realized that Nascar puts together a pretty damn good product. And now HE'S coming to MY type of racing. F1 might still be the top racing series in the world, but Nascar is more than just second-fiddle.
Its first-and-a-half fiddle.

Hollywood Jeff Gordon

Earlier this year, Jeff Gordon and Matt Kenseth had a confrontation at Bristol which lead to THIS INTEVIEW. While Jeff no doubt said his prayers, took his vitamins, and was true to himself, we saw another side of Jeff during today's race. Here's the announcer transcript:

Bill Schiavone: Gordon coming up on Kenseth, he's got Mears in the way--wait a minute--KENSETH SPUN OUT! GORDON SLAMMED RIGHT INTO THE BACK OF KENSETH! THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!

Then, in the pits, Jeff gave this account of what happened:

Mean Gene Yocum: Jeff, we all saw what happened out there, you came up on Kenseth, who had Mears blocking him, how do you expl--

Gordon: Lemme tell ya something, Mean Gene. This is all about taking over, BROTHER. When Gordomania took over Nascar at Bristol, the world saw the first coming. But now, at Chicagoland, you're seeing the second coming, BROTHER. Out with the red and blue, in with the blue and red--its a new world order--the Hendrick World Order BROTHER. And me and my boy Da Bad Guy, Casey Mears, we're gonna show that the HWO is just too SWEEEEET!

Yocum: Stunning words from Mister Gordon--here's Casey Mears--Casey can we get a word?

Mears: (struggling to remain upright, toothpick hanging off lip) Hey yo.

NBC it!

NBC enters the final year of its coverage of the Nascar Nextel Cup Series tomorrow. Here's some changes you can expect from previous seasons:

--Wally Dallenbach forced to use his own car (reportedly an '89 Colt) for "Wally's World".

--Announcers will still be flown out to every race...as long as its near an airport serviced by Southwest.

--Allen Bestwick will resume hockey career.

--To increase return on investment, Benny Parsons will be asked to say "UNNN-BE-LEAVABLE brought to you by State Farm Auto Insurance" after every Close Call brought to you by Sprint.

--Bill Weber down to four cans of hair spray a day.

--Busch races moved from TNT to Sci-Fi channel, forcing announcers to tie everything in with a conspiracy orchestrated by Jason Keller.

--Percentages of commercials and actual footage flip-flopped (so 45/55 to 55/45).

Chicago "News" and Notes

Nascar makes its annual trek to the greater Chicago area, but in the Old Days, Nascar DID run here, albiet at Soldier Field. Too bad Nascar couldn't stay--it was the last time anyone AT Soldier Field had seen good competition.

UPS has officially signed with MWR for 2007. This spells trouble for Robert Yates, who was heard telling Elliott Sadler "If You Leave me Now, I'll be forced to consider giving a ride to somebody named 'Cale Gale'--and nobody wants that, right?"

Jeremy Mayfield has begun to make noise about possibly leaving Evernham Motorsports. Mayfield lashed out at owner Evernham earlier this week, but attempted to apoligize on Trackside yesterday, factoring in that its Hard to Say I'm Sorry for Jeremy.

Bill Elliott, despite sponsorship from Burger King, found that the golden arches are still a Hard Habit to Break, when he walked into a BK autograph session and asked for 6 McNuggets. He was promptly beaten by a man in a king outfit.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. makes his return to the Busch Series at Michigan later this year, but don't expect it to be another Saturday in the Park. He's already been booked to sign 5,000 diecast cars just to move the product (expected release date: September 2009).

ODDS:
5:1 Nascar will throw Wally Dallenbach off the track for nearly killing Will Ferrell (Wally's Response? "I'm a Man").
10:1 Denny Hamlin, despite Feelin' Stronger Every Day, will crack under the pressure of being the guy EVERYONE thinks will fall out of the top 10.
100:1 Anyone will get the running joke of this column.

Mike B. Lange

Why should I be hired as a Nascar reporter?

Because I'll ask the HARD-HITTING QUESTIONS!

"Mr. Roush, how can you in good concience oppose Nascar's 4-team rule? By consolidating power in the hands of a few, you'll be dooming Nascar to the same fate at open-wheel racing in America."

Because I'll GET THE TRUTH!

"Look, Kevin, I know you've said that as a driver, you have no idea what's in your car. But this is the third time a crew chief for you has been found cheating. And now your own team's crew chief has been caught. Kevin--I don't see a fire, but I sure do see a lot of smoke."

And above all, I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER!

"Hi--Erin? Miss Crocker? Hi...um, it's me--Mike. Mike Mackler, that is. Hah--Uh, you know, how's it goin? How's work? Yeah, I know. Say, uh, I just wanted to check, uh, you know, if you wanted to meet up for an interview or something this Friday evening. I think I have that available...if not, Saturday afternoon is cool. OK...yeah, I understand, those sponsor junkets can be tough. OK--lets try for next week. then. I'll, uh, call you next week.

The Double Standard of Sports Journalists

Every year when Nascar goes to Chicagoland, Jayski (or someone else), lists the tracks that Jeff Gordon hasn't won on:

Chicago
Texas
Phoenix
Homestead

Now, I'm not a Jeff Gordon fan, but just once I'd like to see this on a news website:

Nascar pulls into Dover this weekend, and it could mean bad news for the #26 team. Here's a list of tracks Jamie McMurray has never won at:

Atlanta
Bristol
Darlington
Daytona
Dover
Fontana
Texas
Indianapolis
Chicago
Kansas City
Las Vegas
Loudon
Martinsville
Michigan
Homestead
Pocono
Phoenix
Richmond
Sonoma
Talladega
Watkins Glen

Sorry, We Couldn't get the Guy from Survivor

The Outside Groove salutes...Real Fans of Weirdness

Real Fans of Weirdness

Today we salute you, Mister I-Know-A-Nascar-Driver

Mister I-Know-A-Nascar-Driver

You say you went to high school with a top driver in the Nextel Cup Series, and you say it often

Did I tell ya 'bout that?

Everybody knows you as the guy who went to school with Tony Stewart...or was it worked with Elliott Sadler...or maybe it was hitched a ride with Kurt Busch

He knows who I am

Deep down inside, you know the truth--you once bumped into Ricky Craven at a car show, but you won't let a little thing like the truth get in the way of a good story

I can get pit passes!

So spin your tales, oh maestro of the memory. Because when it comes to fake stories, you're OUR fake connetion.

Mister I-Know-A-Nascar-Driver

NOOOOOOOOO!

True story--I had come up with a mildly-funny story inserting Jeff Gordon into the Jim Everett-Jim Rome fight about ten years ago. (See it here). But then I erased the whole thing before I published it! All that hard work, gone...GONE in an instant.

Now I know how the fabricators at FitzBradshaw feel.

Who the Heck is Boris Said?

This past weekend, Boris Said shocked the Nascar world by winning the pole at Daytona, then coming in 4th in the Pepsi 400. Who is this poofy-haired man? Lets take a look:

--As opposed to most racers, who start their careers young, Said didn't start racing competitively until he was in his 20's. Meanwhile, Steve Grissom has yet to start racing competitively at all.

--After winning the pole at Infineon Raceway, he earned entry into the Budweiser Shootout at Daytona. Upon racing around the 2.5 mile superspeedway for the first time, Said could be heard on his radio, screaming "AHHHHHHHHHH!"

--Said has developed a cult following who are commonly referred to as "Said Heads". Chances are, if you ARE a Said Head, you claim to like IRL better than Nascar, are a big soccer fan, and drive a Pontiac Solstice, 'cause its different...just like everyone else.

--While racing is a big part of his life, he still devotes a large part of his time to his kids Ahmet, Dweezil, and Moon Unit.*

--Said's sponsor is the engery drink SoBe No Fear, whose major competitor is Red Bull. Said has come out against Red Bull so frequently in interviews, he's now referring to his pit crew as "The Castrators".

*If you got this joke, you like classic rock WAY too much.

Narf

Overheard in the #40 garage this afternoon:

"Wow, we're starting third for tonight's race--THIRD! I won't know what to do with myself! Well, Steve, you're my crew chief, what are we going to do tonight?

"The same thing we do every night, Stremme: TRY TO JUST FINISH A RACE!"