If Tony Stewart Had His Way...

(at the Indy rookie meeting)
Mike Helton: "...and if Jermaine O'Neal tries to punch you, just duck. Now, some of you might have heard comments made after the race up at Pocono two weeks ago. Well, here to talk to you young guys about how to properly race is Nascar's newest elder statesman, Tony Stewart."
(polite clapping from Denny Hamlin and J.J. Yeley)
Stewart: "Thank you, thank you. Now, a lot of you probably heard my comments after the last race we had. I realized that its unfair for me to expect so much out of such young drivers, without me explaining it first. So, let me outline to you the ways to succeed in Nextel Cup:
1. In the first 40 laps of a 500-mile race, don't pass too agressively. In fact, you probably shouldn't do it during the whole first half-no wait, first 2/3 of a race. Better play it safe--no passing at all. That way we all have a good clean run out there.
2. If two drivers are going for the same spot, let the driver with the most experience have it. Studies have shown that, in order to atract the lucrative youth market, Nascar must have as many 30 and 40-something drivers win. I mean, I know when I was growing up, there was nothing like seeing Hershall McGriff pull his car into victory lane.
3. If someone DOES get into you, its perfectly fine to give them an obscene gesture. After a rough incident like that, the last place you want your hand is on the steering wheel, anyways.
4. When you're starting out, be as big of a jerk as you can be. Kick cameras, berate fellow drivers, force garages to change autograph policies. That way, a few years later, you can start acting like any decent human being, and people will think you're golden!
5. David Stremme, this one is directed at you: If you're David Stremme, stop racing.
Well, that's it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some chores to do. I mean, that Hearse isn't going to wash itself, now."