As Seen on Speed Channel This Afternoon

"weeaaneeahneahweeahdadadada--"

WE INTERRUPT "JAY LENO TALKS INCOHERENTLY ABOUT CARS" FOR A SPEED NEWS SPECIAL REPORT

Hello from the Speed Channel studios, we are about to go live to today's big press conference...yes, we go live to the George Thorogood Center in Newark Delaware for today's announcement from Mike Mackler.

Hello. I have decided to set the record straight. In the past few days, rumors have begun to circulate about the nature of my relationship with Michael Waltrip. Some have gone so far as to describe us as in a "fan/favorite driver" situation. I am here today to vehemently deny these claims, and am prepared to fight these allegations one-by-one.
--I have not, at any time, purchased any items from NAPA. I would rather pay 50% extra from a high school dropout at Pep Boys than walk by a storefront of outdated #15 signs.
--Yes, I do watch reruns of Inside Nextel Cup, but it is NOT for Mr. Waltrip. It is only for my longtime muse, Dave Despain. I mean, you can't even FIND him on Speed News anymore, with Bob Varsha on all the time. It seems like every time I turn on the TV its Varsha doing commentary, Varsha breaking a story--its just...VARSHA VARSHA VARSHA!!! But I digress.
--I do, in fact, visit my barber regularly, and my hairstyle is, in fact, based on that of Bill Elliott--wavy but in control.
I hope that this clears up any confusion, but let me state this again--I am NOT a fan of Michael Waltrip, nor have I ever been. In fact, I stay as far away from Waltrip-related entities as much as possible. During a family vacation to San Francisco, I refused to visit the Napa Valley. Instead of eating Domino's, I'd rather eat a grease-laden, pizza-like food substance known as "Pizza Hut". Hey, I won't even watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (well, I did once, when Michael WAS a vampire, sucking the life out of DEI).
Thank you, and now I must return to my true love--collecting posters of shirtless Derrike Cope.