Finally...The Big Day

"Look, for the last time, buddy, I’m NOT Rollie Fingers! And furthermore!—"

WE INTERRUPT "MY CLASSIC CAR" FOR A SPEED NEWS SPECIAL REPORT

Hello from the Speed Channel studios, we are going to the direct feed from The Outside Groove for today’s big announcement…lets join Mike Mackler at the Teri Polo Center in Newark Delaware.

Hello, and welcome to the first ever Induction Ceremony for The Outside Groove’s Hall of Fame. I’d like to thank you all for coming, and let’s get on with the ceremony.

When I put the decision of electing the first Hall of Famer to our selection committee, I thought, “who SHOULD I…I mean, we, elect first?” It could have been anyone, really—anyone who exhibited the qualities of The Outside Groove. They include humor, oddity, lack of success, and, most of all, fodder for poorly-written fake news stories. However, in the end, there was really only one deserving choice. So, it is my honor to announce the first ever inductee into The Outside Groove Hall of Fame.

DERRIKE COPE!

We let Derrike choose his inductor, for the ceremony, fellow Washingtonian Statian Kasey Kahne. However, Mr. Kahne was unable to attend, appear via satellite, or correspond with us by email. We did, however, receive this letter from his lawyer, which I will now read out loud: “Dear Mr. Cope: We have issued a cease-and-desist order for your harassment of our client, Mr. Kahne. Despite your repeated requests, he will not appear with you at a fake Hall of Fame ceremony in Delaware. Furthermore, he will not get you a Truck Series ride, nor will he get you the number of the redhead in the Allstate commercials. If you continue to contact Mr. Kahne, we will be forced to file for a restraining order.”

Ah, yes, words of reverence from a young superstar. Now, let’s bring out the guest of honor, shall we? Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Derrike Cope.

“Thank you, Mike. For the record, I had absolutely no intention of showing up here on my own volition, but once your check cleared, I couldn’t say no. I mean, it was triple-digits, folks. Anyways, I just wanted to thank all of the people and sponsors who made it possible for me to get to where I am. Thank you to Avacor, who put me in their hair restoration commercials, plus gave me a five-year supply of their product. After months of arduous surgery and painful skin grafts, I am finally able to comb my hair again without pain. Thank you to the rock band Poison, for sponsoring my car. When we were out there together, it was like 1990 all over again. Except I was barely able to qualify and you guys could barely afford race tickets. Thank you to Sara Lee, my sponsor for one year with the 30 car—nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee, and for one year, nobody didn’t like Derrike Cope. And finally, I have to thank the man, the late Dale Earnhardt. If it wasn’t for your sudden blown tire at Daytona, I would never be here today. With only one win, I would be just another Johnny Benson, not a Derrike Cope. Thank you, and if anyone has any sponsorship leads, please let me know.”

Thank you, Derrike. That’s all for today, except for the unveiling of Mr. Cope’s plaque…

Viola!