Double Secret Probation

Today, Kyle Busch was fined, docked points, and put "on probation" for his actions in the World 600*. Often, whenever a driver commits "...actions detrimental to stock car racing" (read: something exciting), they are put "on probation". What exaction does being on probation mean? Well, thankfully I have access to the Nascar rulebook, and found out what little Kyle must do until Nascar sees fit:

--Must wear a tracking device on his ankle at all times (monitored by Chuck Bown).

--Is required to clean up all the trash thrown on the track whenever a race ends under caution.

--Has to comb the food particles out of Mike Helton's mustache.

--Forced to put corn flakes in his engine and spark plugs in his breakfast.

--On Speed TV shows, will no longer be referred to as "Shrub"; will instead be called "KB Toys"

--Will at least have to attend a consultation on eye-enlarging procedure.

--When Brian France WANTS a massage, Brian France GETS a massage.

--Must attend Annual Convention of Environmentalists, Anti-War Protestors, and Left-Wing Movie Stars; will be introduced as "Mr. Bu(s)ch".

--Will sit in a corner and think about what he's done. Turn 4 at Dover to be precise.




*--oh yeah, I'm old school

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

A lot happened this weekend throughout the world of motorsports. I've been given the task of bringing it all to you. Luckily, all the IMPORTANT stuff happened in Nascar. And so, without further ado, here's the weekend in review, to the tune of Mmm Mmm Mmm, by the Crash Test Dummies:


Once there was this keeed who
Got into an accident and and said it wasn’t his fault
And whennnn they tried to stop him
He…threw…his safety gear like a woman
He said its all genetic
And not as bad as hissss broooooo

Vroom Vroom Vroom Vroom
Vroom Vroom Vroom Vroom

Once there was this guyyy who
Tried to make some extra dough and got into a bad crash
And whennnn the real race started
He…smacked…the wall and damaged his shoulder
Now when he goes to Dover
Some real old guy will beeee therrrrrre

Vroom Vroom Vroom Vroom
Vroom Vroom Vroom Vroom

But they were both so fortunate
Compared to the guy we all hate

'Cause then there was this shillllll who
Looked ahead to oh-seven when he would get his own team
But mean-while, in the present
His…car…was so slow it missed the Cup race
He couldn't quite explain it
And now he’s out a tonnnn-a doughhhhh

Vroom Vroom Vroom Vroom
Vroom Vroom Vroom Vroom

Nascar Goes NFL

Nascar always promotes itself as the second-most popular sport in America, behind the NFL (except in Phoenix, where its behind ignoring the NFL). Nascar has adopted several marketing tools from the NFL--a playoff system, unified TV deals, even its stars getting arrested. But what if Nascar went all-out? Lets see...

Monday Nascar Countdown on ESPN
Tom Jackson: Number FOUR on tonight's list--Tony Stewart, still recovering from Saturday's Busch Series crash, goes RIGHT into the wall 'cause of a blown tire, suffering a broken scapula in the process. Guys, Tony Stewart got...
All: JACKED UP!


The Return of the Greatest Football Announcing Team...EVER
Pat Summerall: (in constant, "seen it all" monotone) Coming on to lap 100 here at Talladega...built on an ancient Indian burial ground...coming up tonight on Fox we have "When Plastic Surgery Goes Wrong" hosted by Geraldo Rivera...caution on the track...flagontheplay...I mean, yellow flag on the track.
John Madden: Well, you know, you got a buncha cars gettin' together there--look at this replay, here (starts drawing on teletrater) You got a wreck over here BOOM you got a wreck over here POW and you gotta big wreck here from Kevin Lepage in the car owned by Bam BAM. You know, you gotta lotta hot shoes out here, they gotta get BOOM Tough Actin' Tinactin.


A Re-vamped "Lenny's" on ESPN.com
As is tradition here, we take a look at the top agents in the field for the 2006 season:
1. Cary Agajaniananiajaianigaian: To my knowledge, represents every driver known to man.


Hank Williams Jr. Chimes In on ABC
Well it's Sunday…day and we’re ready to race!
Everyone but Waltrip’s tryin’ to make that Chase.
It’s the most exciting rush this side of the Trucks.
You’d be here yourself, but it costs 90 bucks.
So crank up the volume, max out those dials
Cause its easy to sleep through 500 miles!

Are you ready for some Nascar?! A Sunday afternoon party!

If a single-car team wins
I’m gonna be startled!
Be wary of cursing ‘cause Dale Jr. is mic’d.
And if we get rain we’ll run on Sunday night!

Why I Love Nascar

After flicking over from the Indy post-race (one can only take so much of Brent Musberger), I caught the Nascar pre-race on Speed.* John Roberts was talking, when a man--shirtless, but with a bandana--appeared behind him. What did this man do with his 15-minutes of fame? He chugged a beer. Then he chugged another one. Lets see anyone do THAT in an Indy race.
And that's why I love Nascar.

*Did anyone else catch the huge "Give Jimmy Spencer a Baby Ruth" sign?

Charlowe's "News" and Notes

Next in Michael Waltrip's Napa-classes: How to Buy Your Way into the Field!

Kellogg's and Carquest have teamed up to become "Co-primary sponsors" of Kyle Busch. I don't know about you, but when I eat MY cereal, I can't stop thinking about brake fluid.

Microsoft is on the hood for Jeff Green's car this week. Expect Green to crash frequently, then be forced to restart several times.

As the Nextel Cup and Busch Series will split up following Dover for a large part of the summer, teams are lining up journeymen drivers to take over for the Busch-whackers. And silently, patiently, Gary Bradberry sits by the phone.

Ameriquest is sponsoring FOUR Roush cars in this week's Busch race. In a related story, Mike Joy's head is about to explode.

ODDS
4:1 Kurt Busch will wreck, and someone will blame it on his "lack of focus" for going to the Indy 500.
10:1 A single tear will run down Robby Gordon's face.
200:1 You'll stay up through the end of the race (people who are working this weekend only).

Some Things Never Change

1989--"I can't believe Dale Jarrett's leaving Cale Yarborough for the Wood Brothers--I thought he'd be there forever."

1991--"I can't believe Dale Jarrett's leaving the Wood Brothers for Joe Gibbs--I thought he'd be there forever."

1994--"I can't believe Dale Jarrett's leaving Joe Gibbs for Robert Yates--I thought he'd be there forever."

2006--"I can't believe Dale Jarrett's leaving Robert Yates for Toyota--I thought he'd be there forever."

2010--"I can't believe Dale Jarrett's leaving Toyota for Hyundai--I thought he'd be there forever."

Chuck Norris Has Nothing on...Ricky Rudd

Ricky Rudd has motor oil in his veins. And sweats gasoline.

Taped audio of Ricky Rudd on his in-car radio reached #1 on MTV's TRL Countdown.

Ricky Rudd's chest hair is used as currency in Luxembourg.

At that race in the 80's, Ricky wasn't taping his eyes open. He was taping his brain closed.

Ricky Rudd found Sadaam Hussein.

Ricky Rudd wasn't just an Owner/Driver. He was an Owner/Driver/Dancer/Chemist/Goalie.

Ricky Rudd can bench press Jimmy Spencer.

Ricky Rudd isn't just the Ironman for starting so many races in a row--he also wrote the song for Ozzy.

Ricky Rudd knows who shot Tupac.

Ricky Rudd beat Mike Tyson in an improptu boxing match at the ESPY's afterparty in 1997. However, he refused to talk about it to anyone, since Ricky Rudd is NOT about bragging.

Ricky Rudd wasn't just sponsored by Tide. He controlled the Tide.

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, its because Ricky Rudd stopped it from hitting the ground.

Special Guest Columnist

Ed. Note: Mike's out sick today with a nasty head cold. Sitting in for him today is a drunk local racer who's bitter he never made it to Nextel Cup.

Why, why you want me to type this? You, you think you're better than me? Huh?!? I coulda made it too, y'know. I had the fastest time at Hickory back in '96, but I was too GOOD for them! How was Itunno that the Truck Series was gonna make it? Look at me now! Look at me! LOOK AT ME YOU (censored)!!! I gotta sponsor from the local mall! I get tires for free from my neighbor who works at the NTB! I'm a (censored) legend around here! What do you want from me? Huh?!? You want me to complain that I never made it?!? 'Cause I'm still on disability from work? 'Cause my wife doesn't love me? Well I'm a person too, damnit! And I coulda made it BIG! You (censored).

Is SportsCentury Ron Bouchard Next?

Today ESPN SportsCentury premiered their look at the life of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Here's some interesting facts gleaned from the show:

--While at Military School, he participated in a fundraiser for the Gulf War.

--While in Nextel Cup, he participated in a fundraiser for the Gulf War...again.

--Before getting Budweiser as a sponsor, he mostly drank paint varnish and Listerine poured through a coffee filter.

--In deference to his sponsor in the Busch Series, Dale allowed several team members to call him "A.C. Slater".

--Steve Park won't stop calling him.

--If one more person asks him if he's going to drive the 3, he's going to flip out. Like Tony Stewart-flip out.

--Late at night, he swims around in a vat filled with diecast.

--Paul Menard? Pinko commie.

Shazbot!

Here's the missing part of the vengeance scale:

7—The World vs. Jeff Gordon, 1997-1998. People may forget, but Jeff was public enemy number one in Nascar nation for a few years. People had their “reasons”—he won too much, he looked too good, he was gay, he had Ray Evernham, etc. He was like Reggie Jackson, but with a successful Nascar career.
--Dodge on Bill Davis.
--Kevin Harvick vs. Greg Biffle. These two guys just plain don’t like each other, and it doesn’t seem contrived.

Nascar's Vengeance Scale--Part 3 of 3

8—Tony Stewart vs. the Media
--The Beverage Wars. Remember, the whole Powerade-Gatorade feud was THE top story in the sport for several consecutive weeks.
--Jimmy Spencer on Kurt Busch. Kurt starts it with his legendary “decrepit old has-been” comment. Much later, Jimmy decides he’s had enough, and sucker-punches a car-bound Kurt, earning him a one-race suspension. At the time, most thought that Jimmy’s actions were WAY over the line. Of course, now that we know what kind of person Kurt Busch is…

9—Alan Kulwicki on Common Sense. If you told someone new to the sport that an “outsider” driver, running his own team, just months away from zero sponsorship, and running against Davey Allison and Bill Elliott, won the championship, they wouldn’t believe you. Still the most unbelievable thing this sport has seen (besides, of course, Jocko Flocko).
--Dale Earnhardt Jr. vs. Todd Bodine. This one somehow slipped through the cracks over the years, but it remains a stinging act of vengeance for one word: “Cue ball”. You can mock a man’s failures, you can mock a man’s style. You can mock a man’s beliefs, methods, even his lifestyle. But you never, EVER, mock a man’s hairline (or lack thereof).
--Robby Gordon on Michael Waltrip. Would’ve been more surprising if this HADN’T happened—a single-car driver-owner desperately trying to make races, while an Earnhardt hanger-on coasts on cushy sponsorship.

10—“Them Battlin’ Bodines”. Todd got involved too, but it was Geoff vs. Brett that captured the Nascar world’s imagination. Eventually it led to an intervention on Montel Williams. No, seriously.
--Bill France vs. Unionization. Quick version—driver Curtis Turner attempted to unionize the drivers in the 60’s, but made two crucial errors: 1.) doing it in a sport where the France family had complete control, and 2.) aligning himself with Jimmy Hoffa. Turner was summarily banned for life, and France held a drivers meeting shortly after, threatening more bans for anyone who tried to unionize. He purposely left his jacket unbuttoned so everyone could see what he was carrying—a loaded pistol.
--Nascar vs. Open-wheel racing. According to legend, Bill France went to Indy to check out the track on an off-weekend. He wasn’t allowed in, and then vowed to build his own track. A few years later, Daytona is built, and a few decades later, Nascar is the #1 spectator sport in the nation—with a little help from vengeance.

Nascar's Vengeance Scale--Part 2 of 3

3—Ryan Newman vs. Rusty Wallace. Wins, poles, and respect—Ryan has it all over Rusty. Except the hair.
--Jeremy Mayfield vs. Rusty Wallace. Hated each other, refused to share equipment, and broke up in the middle of the season. Way to work that charm, Rusty!
IRL Fans vs. Rusty Wallace (in 6 months). Once they realize that a Nascar driver is commenting on IRL.

4—Jeff Gordon on open-wheel racing. Jeff had trouble securing a ride in the old IndyCar series, so he went Cup Racing. Since then, he’s taken the sport to a whole new level, while IndyCar split up, fell apart, and is only starting to rebound. You don’t think they’d stayed together if Jeff Gordon was their marquee driver?
--The brewing Sauter vs. Sauter battle. More surprising because Johnny’s not involved.
--Bobby Hamilton Jr. (Busch Series, circa 2003) on “Cup Drivers”. It was his excuse for everything. Bad wreck? Cup Drivers. Sponsorship woes? Cup Drivers. Blown engine in the Cup race? Cup Drivers.

5—Terry Labonte vs. Dale Earnhardt at Bristol. Sure, Dale won the race. But it was Terry who cemented his position as the Iceman with his classic line: “Dale never means to wreck you.”
Rusty Wallace vs. Jeff Gordon at Bristol. This was when just about everybody (including yours truly) was getting pretty tired of seeing the 24 win every week. True story—my dad, a longtime Rusty hater, considered putting a “Thanks Rusty” sign outside his store after this race.
Ward Burton vs. Dale Earnhardt Jr. at Bristol. Ward literally threatens to shoot Junior with his shotgun. In the NBA, this would’ve been a 60-game suspension, plus a record deal.

6—Curse of the Cubs on Jeff Gordon. Jeff screws up royal on the seventh-inning stretch, and has never been the same since.
--Tony Stewart on Darrell Waltrip. Ol’ DW tried to fool us with his Terry Bradshaw impersonation on TV, but we all remembered what a jerk he was for most of his career. Once Smoke heard DW’s criticisms of him, he fired back, on air, with something to the effect of, “Well, if it wasn’t for the champions provisional, DW would’ve been out of the sport years ago.” Truer words have never been spoken.
--Kyle Petty on Darlington. After another wreck at the track too tough to maim, Kyle got out of his car, and was asked by a pit reporter what he thought of Darlington. His response? "I can't stand this track. I think they should just fill this place up to the retaining wall with water and hold bass fishing tournaments here.”

Part III Tomorrow

Nascar's Vengeance Scale--Part 1 of 3

After finally giving in and signing up for ESPN’s Insider service, I quickly read through some of my favorite columns from my favorite writer, Bill Simmons. I was reminded of “The Vengeance Scale”—judging where different events in sports history rank, by level of revenge taken. Not surprisingly, there were no Nascar moments on the list. Well, much like Bill France once did (and it’s later on the list), I’ve made my own list—THE NASCAR VENGEANCE SCALE. Here it is, ranked from least vengeful reaction (0) to most (10).


PART I

0—Dale Earnhardt’s reaction to Darrell Waltrip’s comment that “…I say whatever I want, because none of them can read it anyways.” According to the movie 3 (the ESPN one), Dale’s response was…to send his son to military school. Huh? And what does Dale do when he finally has DW down for the count? Gives him a job. Quite magnanimous of him.
--Davey Allison’s retaliation after Ernie Irvan cost him the 1992 championship, mostly because there WAS no reaction. This is where the legend of Allison was held off, but the legend of Swervin’ Irvan was born.
--America on DaimlerChrysler for buying Dodge.

1—David Pearson on Richard Petty. Richard cheated throughout his career (he’s admitted as much), while Pearson, by all accounts, played by the rules. Either David’s really level-headed, or Richard was that important to the sport.
--Kyle Petty on Felix Sabates for replacing him. Not so much because he got replaced (it was bound to happen), but more because he was replaced by Robby-freakin-Gordon.
--Dave Marcis vs. “The Establishment”. Dave stayed independent throughout his whole career (almost), and all he has to show for it are five wins and a 2nd place championship finish…which came in a factory-backed car. Apparently in Dave’s book, the best revenge is sucking up to RCR while never taking off your Goodyear hat.

2—Nascar to Fox after creating, producing, and showing “Steel Chariots”. Still makes me shudder just thinking about it.
--Rusty Wallace vs. Dale Earnhardt. Rusty seemed to seethe that Dale won all those championships with aggressive driving, until one day he exploded with rage…and a water bottle?!? Don’t worry, though—Rusty will tell you that he and Dale were friends about 5 minutes into any conversation.
--Kurt Busch on Maricopa County Police.


Tomorrow--Part II

Jeremy Mayfield Loses It

After another disappointing performance, setting him further back in the points, Jeremy Mayfield held a press conference today. He meant to clear the air. Instead, we got an explosion.


Well, I'll start out by saying this: Do not blame that one on the Charger, ok--I don't care who you race, whether its a Craftsman truck race, a Busch Series race, an IRL race, MUCH less a Nextel Cup race, when you hit the wall FIVE TIMES, FOUR UNSCHEDULED PIT STOPS, one for a lugnut, three others during green flag runs to set us back a lap, you ain't gonna beat ANYBODY I just talked about, ANYBODY, alright. And that was a DISGRACEFUL performance, in my opinion--we threw that race, we gave that race away by doing that. We gave 'em the freakin' race. In my opinion that SUCKED.

What's that (reporter asks question) Ah--P-PLAYOFFS? Don't talk about PLAYOFFS?!? You kiddin' me? PLAYOFFS?!? I just hope we can win a race!

A Conversation I'm Tired of Having

Random Nascar Fan: "Man, when Toyota comes into Nascar, I hope they fall flat on their faces. I'm NEVER gonna watch a race again."

Me: "Well, why do you watch it now?"

Fan: "What do you mean? Its the only sport that WAS all-American!"

Me: "But Dodge is in it!"

Fan: "Hey--Dodge is American!"

Me: "BUT THEY'RE OWNED BY DAMILER CHRYSLER!!! EVERY BUSINESS ARTICLE I READ SAYS THAT ALL DECISIONS ARE MADE IN GERMANY!!! HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT FROM TOYOTA?"

Fan: One of three responses...
1.) "Well, Dodge is an American NAME."
2.) "Well, that's different."
3.) "I don't care."


So apparently when the Germans enter Nascar by buying out an American company, its all good. But when the Japanese enter Nascar, creating jobs and new money in the process, its no good.


RACISM IN NASCAR: HOW BAD DO YOU GOT IT?

Late Summer Movie Preview

More movies, more Nascar, less Kurt Fuller

The Fast and the Furious--Tokyo Drift: Nascar fans confuse Toyota's entry into Nascar as an invasion by imperial Japan, sparking World War II, Part II.

The Lake House: Searching for the only Nascar driver who does NOT live on Lake Norman.

Loveroby: How many women can Geoff Bodine seduce in one night? You'll have to see it to believe it! Special guest appearence by Brett Bodine as the smarmy best friend with a heart of gold.

Garfield's a Tale of Two Kitties: When Tony Stewart pet-sits for Matt Kenseth's cats, does Mojo get jealous?

Wassup Rockers: Actually just footage of Martin Truex Jr. saying those words in downtown Camden, New Jersey, then getting beat up for 90 minutes.

A Scanner Darkly: His name is Dale Earnhardt Jr. He's out to get the man who photoshopped a Miller Lite into his hand. Someone's gonna pay.

Little Man: (waaaaaaaaay too many jokes in this one)

Early Summer Movie Preview

Nope, Talladega Nights and The Da Vinci Code aren't the only movies that revolve around the Nascar universe. Lets take a look at the racing-centric movies coming soon to a theater near you! (Unless you live in the sticks, where they're probably only showing that Larry the Cable Guy movie.)

Just My Luck: Nascar, in an attempt to broaden its family appeal, attaches itself to a remake of a 70's franchise, starring a drug-addled sexpot with health issues!

Down in the Valley: A crew of intrepid Nascar fans attempt to move the race dates of Pocono, California, and Michigan to Bristol.

Wawa: Jimmy Spencer attempts to indoctrinate his Nascar brethren to the greatest convenience store. EVER.

See No Evil: Toyota execs unveil their plans for taking over Nascar--signing 40-something drivers with questionable people skills.

12 and Holding: Ryan Newman--can he fall back, rise through the field, make the Chase (barely), then be a non-factor in the championship...again?

The Break-Up: Cronicles the next awkward months at Robert Yates Racing.

The King: Richard Petty looks back on his career through tint-colored glasses.

Dale Jarrett Explains His Decision

After today's non-pork rind-related news conference, Dale Jarrett sat down with The Outside Groove to explain why he was leaving Ford after years of allegiance:

"You'd think this would be a difficult decision, but it really wasn't. I don't know why, but it never hit me until last week. I realized...I WAS DRIVING A FORD. Can you believe that?!? Fords are the biggest pieces of junk on the road--or should i say ON THE SHOULDER, broken down. Its bad enough that I have to drive a brown car--driving anything from the Ford Motor Company is just too stupid.
"I mean, have YOU ever driven one of those pieces of crap? Whenever I fired up the engine on a cold morning, the airflow always smelled funny. My power seats stopped working after 10,000 miles. And can you BELIEVE the stuff they had me RUN?!? First, it was the Thunderbird, which was a really cool car...in 1966! Then, they move on the Taurus. What am I, a Xerox salesman? That thing came in two colors--beige and dull. Finally they put me in a Fusion. Fusion--what kind of dumb name is that? 'Oooh--look at those metal bars across the grill--that REALLY makes it a winner!'
"Toyota just happened into my life, but I could've gone to any other manufacturer. Well, not GM since they're going Chapter 11 next month...and not DaimlerChrysler, since they're owned by Nazis. But either of them would be better than Found On Road Dead. Or should I say, Fix Or Repair Daily. First On Race Day? Give me a freakin' break."

Darlington "News" and Notes

I, Mike Mackler, once considered calling myself "The Mack Too Tough to Tame". I was then instantly struck by lightning.

Tomorrow afternoon, Dale Jarrett will announce that he...is offering Employee Pricing Plus at Dale Jarrett Ford! And for the first 50 customers on this Mother's Day Weekend, get a 2002 1/24 Muppets diecast car!

Recently, I found out that Serta is run by Bob Sherman, father of Brent Sherman (Serta is his long-time sponsor). Seems that Brent and Paul Menard have alot in common...well, except that Paul has talent (and better choice of teams).

Elliott Sadler announced this week that he is stepping out of the CitiFinancial Busch car, in order to devote more time to his collection of M&M's with two "m"'s stamped on them.

FitzBradshaw is down to one car this week, showing just how far this team has fallen. Well, by "fallen", I mean stayed at the bottom.

Richard Childress received an honorary degree from Davidson County Community College today. Is there really any need for an honorary COMMUNITY COLLEGE degree? As Chris Rock said, "Community College is like a disco with books: 'Here's 10 dollars--I'm gonna get my learn on'".

ODDS
3:1 Someone will play "Lady in Red" during the pre-race by mistake.
10:1 A woman wearing black will pass out due to heat exhaustion during the pre-race festivities.
100:1 Video will be unearthed of Jimmy the Greek explaining, "The Black is the superior lady!"

A True Story

The other day, I was standing in one of my stores (I'm a soda sales rep), waiting to talk to a manager. Bored, I decided to read the back of a box of Little Debbie Boston Creme Rolls. It was a description by Ann Schrader (Kenny's wife), about how much Little Debbie Snack Cakes have been a part of their family's lives. While reading this, a number of thoughts ran through my head:

--Did the box designer just take an old pizza ad and replace "Red Baron" with "Little Debbie"?

--Have you ever switched brands of snack cakes based on the advice of the wife of a Nascar driver?

--Should cream-filled cakes be a major part of ANY family?

--Does Federated Auto Parts do the same thing? Will I see Ann telling me what a big part the network of independent auto parts dealers have played in her life as I buy windshield wipers?

All of these things together caused me to laugh out loud, getting the manager's attention. Rather than explain this to her, I simply played it off.
And this, once again, explains why I don't have a girlfriend.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "Stacy's Mom", by Fountains of Wayne (ps I'm not gay)

Stacey you’re my favorite driver for sure (driver for sure)
You’re the best Busch veteran since Elton Sawyer (Patty’s Sawyer)
Whatever the 59 wants, the 59 gets (the 59 gets)
To get your autograph, I’d walk on Kingsford briquettes (Dan Patrick*)

Yes it might sound quite obsessive but I just cannot quit
‘Cause when it comes to driver, I just need a guy from Grit

Stacy Compton’s got it goin’ on
Raced Cup for Melling, but then he was gone
Other guys I bash, but they don’t have your mustache
Yeah you like Erin Crocker, but I keep watchin’ Stacy Compton

Stacy did A.J. Foyt’s tirades make you cringe? (make you cringe)
What’s it like living on Nascar’s racing fringe (racing’s fringe)
You might not be a champion, but you’re kinda good (kinda good)
I just want a first place, so lets knock on Wood (young Jon Wood)

And I know you probably really want a better ride
But after this year’s merger you’ve got Schrader on your side!

Stacy Compton’s got it goin’ on
Raced Cup McClure, but then he was gone
Other guys I bash, but they don’t have your mustache
Yeah you like Lelani Munter, but I keep watchin’ Stacy Compton



*I’m probably the only guy in the world who’ll get this joke

What Else Did They Find in Dale Jarrett's Car?

--A "rear away bar", according to Jayski.

--5,000 UPS Racing hats with the old logo.

--Hair dye (strangely enough, its GRAY hair dye).

--Phil Mickelson's home phone number.

--Phil Mickelson's wife's cell phone number.

--Coupon for a free oil change at Dale Jarrett Ford (expires 04/30/06).

--Book, "Making a Brown Wardrobe Work for You", by Bernie Kosar.

--Dozens of tapes of "Charles in Charge".

--Taser (to keep Glen away).

--Bags and bags of stale M&M's.

--Remix CD of "If Cheatin' is Wrong, I Don't Wanna be Right", by Kevin Harvick (feat. Jimmie Johnson).

Love and Nascar

Mike Joy: "...and Stewart wins the race off pit road, now to Dick Berggren...Dick?"

Dick: "And standing here with a dejected Mike Mackler, knocked out of the date after just two hours--Mike, can you lead us through what went wrong here?"

Mike: "Well...I don't really know...I mean, I gave her room, I thought she'd like my stories and jokes...next thing I know she's gone and I'm in the wall."

Dick: "We're looking at a replay right here...you can see this, your 10-minute talk on soda...does this change anything?"

Mike: "Well...I guess I have to apologize--I didn't realize I was taking up room there, I guess that's my fault."

Dick: "Any regrets on the wardrobe strategy?"

Mike: "My crew was expecting a cold day today, but we didn't have enough time to adjust from the sweater and parka combo...we were going to work on that all day...guess we can't now."

Dick: "Thanks for your time, better luck next week. Back up to the booth"

Darrell Waltrip: "Man, that cat's got worse luck than Mike Skinner!"

The Dodge Progression

1979-2000: "I hate Nascar--there's no Dodge drivers!"

2001: "I like Bill Elliott--he's my driver!"

2002: "I like Sterling Marlin--he's my driver!"

2003: "I like Jamie McMurray--he's my driver!"

2004: "I like Ryan Newman--he's my driver!"

2005: "I like Jeremy Mayfield--he's my driver!"

2006: "I like Casey Atwood--he's my driver!"

Richmond "News" and Notes

Well, its official: Kevin Harvick have agreed to terms through 2009. Reportedly Kevin is already working on a deal with Toyota to begin in 2010.

Speaking of Toyota, the manufacturer has said that it will not go over its three current teams in 2007. Uh, Robby--better check to see if that house is returnable.

Last year, Kyle Busch finished fourth in both of his Richmond runs. To commemorate this, Action is producing a "Going Fourth" special paint scheme, available in diecast in February 2008.

This week's honorary starter? Frank Beamer. So you'd better believe that if anyone punts a car, it'll be blocked.

This is the first Richmond Cup race with Crown Royal as a sponsor. Expect special guest appearances by Ray Lewis, Prince and Barney the Dinosaur.

ODDS
4:1--The race will end on some B.S. caution, after a Green-White-Checkered caused by a previous B.S. caution.
10:1--The pace car will be wrapped in a velvet pouch.
100:1--Darrell Waltrip will make it through the race without saying "Cat", "Mikey", or "Toyota".

Tony Stewart and Garfield--Separated at Birth?

--Both are orange with black stripes.

--Both aren't overweight--they're undertall.

--Both have a tendency to be cranky.

--Both are merchandising behemoths (have you SEEN those Tony Stewart suction-cup dolls?)

--Both are from Indiana.

--Both have a lovable sidekick (Odie & Zippy).

--Both have owners with psychological problems (Jon talks to his cat, Joe coaches the Redskins).

--Both starred in successful Saturday morning cartoons (Garfield & Friends, and who could forget 1996's Tony n' Sam: IRL Superstars in Space?)

--Both have an annoying friend who comes by from time-to-time (Nermal and Jason Leffler).

--And, most importantly, both have fuzzy faces.

Jeff Gordon Admits to Gambling Problem

Coming off the admissions of John Daly and Charles Barkley, Jeff Gordon has admitted that he, too, has a gambling problem.
"It started so innocently", said Gordon in an exclusive interview with The Outside Groove. "I used to bet Ray dinner on which trailer would get to the track first. Next thing I knew, we wagered WHOLE DOLLARS on qualifying draws."
Gordon was willing to divulge his entire record of losses: "Things went downhill through the years. One day in 2001, I lost my ham sandwich after I bet Kenny Schrader that I could beat him in a footrace. I went a whole afternoon without food because of my stupid habit.
"I was always chasing my losses--I should've known I had a problem when I went double or nothing with Terry Labonte on our $5 Daytona bet. I was more animal than human!"
Gordon didn't realize that he'd hit rock bottom, however, until earlier this year.
"My real wake-up call came after I lost $50 on the Super Bowl to Jimmie. That was almost 0.000001% of my salary! What was I thinking?!?"
Gordon went on to say that he has been visiting the CCNY Institute for Sports Gambling on a regular basis to keep his habit under control. With time, and some hard work, he might just pull through.
"I'm gonna beat this thing--you can bet on it. Ah, damnit."

Totally Stoked Press Release

Yeeeeeeeah, Boy-eee! No Fizz-ear is prizz-oud to announce Boris Sayy-aid as our new driver from hell at No Fear Racing! Where it takes two balls to race, and a lotta dough from Mr. Jack-o! At No Fear Raaaaaacing, we dream in black and white, by putting black t-shirts on white people! Black t-shirts with skeeeeeeewed slogans--its totally radical!
Team P.I.M.P. Manager Fran-kay Stoddard and Bad Boy Boris are gonna TEAR IT UP on the road courses in the 2-o-o-SIX. If it has wheels or a skirt, you can't afford it! And we couldn't cough up the cash for Ron Fellows! Canadians are wussiezzz!
No Fear Racing slams in the most amped corporate alliance between apparel manufacturing and race team ownership. Corporate Synergy...TO THE X-TREEEME!
Check out our team on the hot asphalt, baby--because at No Fear, its ALWAYS 1999!

A Phone Call Made This Evening

"Hello, Rusty Wallace Incorporated, Rusty speaking."

"Uhh...hello Rusty...its me...Ry--"

"Dangit son, I know who you are. Now why are you callin' me?"

"Well, its just that..."

"Well, what is it? Oh, I bet you want to ask if my refidgerator is running. Or ask if there's an I.P. Freely at the shop. Or tell me that I'm under arrest for assault with a water bottle."

"No, no, its not that at all...listen, you know I hate you, and I know you hate me."

"Oh yes...so what's your point."

"Well, we've been running like Scott Wimmer lately, and I'm starting to think its because you're not here."

"...Wow, Ryan...I never thought I'd hear you say that. You mean all that time, I really WAS helping you out?"

"Well, not really--you see, I was so blinded by rage towards you, that it steered me towards success, and with you gone, I'm actually getting along with my teammate now and..."

CLICK