Special Guest Columnist

Ed. Note: Mike's out sick today with a nasty head cold. Sitting in for him today is a drunk local racer who's bitter he never made it to Nextel Cup.

Why, why you want me to type this? You, you think you're better than me? Huh?!? I coulda made it too, y'know. I had the fastest time at Hickory back in '96, but I was too GOOD for them! How was Itunno that the Truck Series was gonna make it? Look at me now! Look at me! LOOK AT ME YOU (censored)!!! I gotta sponsor from the local mall! I get tires for free from my neighbor who works at the NTB! I'm a (censored) legend around here! What do you want from me? Huh?!? You want me to complain that I never made it?!? 'Cause I'm still on disability from work? 'Cause my wife doesn't love me? Well I'm a person too, damnit! And I coulda made it BIG! You (censored).