First-Ever Comment-Inspired Article

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Special Guest Announcer...

In an effort to spice up their announcing crew (and keep Bill Weber's hair under control), NBC has been auditioning different announcers to sit in for a race. The Outside Groove has obtained the audition tapes of these men, some of the biggest names in sports media. Take a look:

Bob Costas: "We're here...at Atlanta. The feeling...is electric. There's Dale Earnhart Jr. His fan support...is palpable. The crew chiefs...are preparing. The media buffet luncheon...slightly disappointing. And that's why the DH rule should be abolished."

Joe Buck: "...Robby Gordon now out of his car, he's looking for Waltrip...HE THROWS HIS HELMET! That is a disgrace, you hate to see that, a totally immature act. Gordon deserves to be tarred and feathered for his actions."

Kevin Harlan: "Jamie McMurray on the outside and FROM DOWNTOWN! JAMIE MCMURRAY WITH THE PASS!"

Marv Albert: "Ryan Newman going for the 2...YESSSSSS!!!!"

Every Crappy Local College Football Announcer: "There's Dale Jarrett, he's got the brown car--hey, do you think he's ever going to race the truck or not? Man, that would be something."

Bill Walton: "Man, Casey Mears doesn't know what he's doing. He's out of control! Here comes Jimmy Spencer, throw him DOWN big man! That reminds me of a time back at UCLA, I had just gotten back from a Dead concert..."

Paul McGuire: "Now, I want you to watch this pass here, look at him BAM! He goes right past Gordon on the inside! Now I want you to watch this move, watch this BAM!"

The Legendary Eric Dickerson: "My man, Jeff Burton, he biuof a doufodiu oaudifioaud a doufadiou fadou foauidfod aiufo back to you."

Hot-lanta "News" and Notes

Atlanta is known as "Nascar's fastest track", as well as "Nascar's strangest weekend schedule".

Some have argued for putting restrictor plates on the cars at Atlanta. Currently, Nascar only puts the plates on at tracks over 2 miles in length. Good thing too, as the cars go WAY too fast at Infineon.

Homestead-Miami Speedway sustained significant damage as a result of Hurricane Wilma this week. As a result, announcers will have to limit their praise of variable banking to only five hours a day.

ESPN has emerged as the likely successor to NBC/TNT in 2007. Begin the thawing of John Kernan!

Ryan Newman starts on the pole at Atlanta for the 67th consecutive time this Sunday. Newman has received invaluable help from Buddy Baker and, in turn, Buddy Baker's interpretor.

ODDS:
6:1--A new nickname will be introduced for Ryan Newman: "Drrrty Ryan".
200:1--Chad Chaffin will have any impact on the race.
100,000,000:1--The announce team will be able to avoid making any Halloween references.

Why Was Scott Wimmer Fired?

--Spent over 6 hours each day on the phone with his wife, most of which was spent doing the "you hang up first...no YOU hang up...OK, we'll hang up together...you didn't either!" routine.

--Failed to live up to the heady standard CAT learned from being associated with David Green.

--Threw his driver's suit on the team hauler stools, even though Bill Davis told him NUMEROUS TIMES to simply put it on the hooks like everyone else.

--Was overheard doing his impression of Bill Davis begging Dodge for factory support.

--Ever since Kenny Wallace left the team, that left Scott as "the funny one".

--Refused to be photograhed in a bulldozer.

--While "Wimmer" is just two letters from "Winner", its also two letters from "Bummer".

--Was always using up the shop's TiVo memory with recordings of "One Tree Hill".

--Insisted on having his spotter end every transmission with "roger 10-4 over and out".

--When given the choice between slim and none, Bill Davis chose none.

What Your Favorite BUSCH SERIES Driver Says About You

Ever wonder what your favorite Busch Series driver says to the world about your personality? Probably not, but if you do, here's a reference point.

0 Kertus Davis--I'm a girl, and I just wanna have fun. I also enjoy hideously ugly cars.

1 Johnny Sauter--I loved watching "Racing's Raddest Wrex Vol. 3".

2 Clint...Boyer--I change my own spark plugs.

4 Keff Grelin--I have good news--I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by combining two drivers into one!

5 The Whole Dang Gang--I love variety.

6 The Dodge Boys and One Girl--I'm a hungry hungry hippo.

7 Kim Crosby--I like 70's pop legends who now resemble walruses.

8 Martin Truex Jr.--My dad liked Junior.

10 Brent Sherman--I'm a mattress salesman who loves preserved meats and hair gel.

11 Paul Menard--I'm Paul Menard's dad.

12 Joel Kauffman--I work at SuperCuts, and they made me do this.

14 David Stremme--I'm under 30, because NOBODY over 30 drinks Coors Light--NOBODY!

18 J.J. Yeley--I like my drivers DY-NO-MITE!

20 Denny Hamlin--I'm from western Virginia--no, not West Virginia, Western Virginia, there's a world of difference.

21 Kevin Harvick/Brandon Miller--I have no peanut allergies.

22 Kenny Wallace--I met Kenny at a car show in 1998. He was really cool.

25 Ashton Lewis--The few, the proud, the Rensi's.

27 David Green--I blow my nose constantly. Also, I love contingency marketing.

28 Derrike Cope--I have a sick sense of humor.

32 Jason Leffler--I'm going down with the ship.

34 Randy LaJoie (or is it Todd Bodine?)--Boy I Love Losing Superbowls.

35 Jason Keller--With or without your mustache, we're behind you 100%.

38 A.J. Foyt IV--OH, SO YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR GRANDAD'S TEAM? FINE THEN, LEAVE!

41 Reed Sorenson--I like my tires discounted.

44 Justin Labonte--I was a Terry fan, but I hate the color green.

47 Jon Wood--I'm Bevis and/or Butt-head.

49 Steve Grissom--Hi, I'm Steve Grissom.

59 Stacy Compton--I'm Dan Patrick, and I've strayed from my one true love.

60 Carl Edwards--Man, did I pick the right driver or WHAT?!?

64 Rusty's Racers--I love taking my hot rod out on warm afternoons.

66 Greg Biffle--Red 86! Red 86! Left Rocket R! Hut...hut...FIKE!

72 Driver o'the Week--I own the team. Yeah, I know.

Roush Under Investigation from Amnesty International

In response to allegations of human rights violations, international aid group Amnesty International has begun an investigation of Nascar magnate Jack Roush.
At the heart of the investigation are Roush's recent actions toward Mark Martin, Roush's longtime driver. Martin had given his intentions of retiring after the 2005 season--however, Roush has "convinced" Martin to stay on board through 2006.
"Mr. Roush's actions definately raised some red flags", said Amnesty spokesperson Sara Wilson. "We believe that his refusal to allow Mr. Martin to voluntarily leave his job constitutes indentured servitude, as Mr. Martin should be able to leave when he chooses. In addition, the shackles and homing devices Mr. Martin have been wearing alerted us to the issue. When Mr. Martin showed up at last week's race wearing an electronic collar, we decided to take action."
Roush is not the first owner to be investigated by an international organization. Greenpeace has routinely cited Michael Waltrip Racing for dumping gallons of hair gel into protected wetlands. Furthermore, Rick Hendrick was cited for violating child labor laws after employing 5 year old driver Kyle Busch.
Martin, when asked to comment on the issue, merely grunted and groaned. Soon after, Roush gave him 12 lashes on the back with a cat o' nine tails.

Lost Our Lease! Everything Must Go!

I'll be moving (literally, not figuratively) to Delaware this week, so updates may be spotty at best. I tried writing an article last night after working until 11pm, but it came out like this:

Bobby Laobte ajkldfj bouajler adoubaouier ad jkbhoaer anblakdjfoiaeur abvnjakl djfadkljf Gibbs.

So hopefully more frivolity will be coming up ASAP.

Martinsville "News" and Notes

The hot new rumor has Bobby Labonte going to the 42 Dodge in 2006, which would free Jamie McMurray to go to the 97, and Kurt Busch to go to the 6. And who would take over the 18? Mark Brunell.

Martinsville marks the first race since the Goodyear blowout sale at Charlotte. Reportedly Goodyear executives are confident that their tires will hold up, as long as the track doesn't come apart...again.

Martinsville is affectionately known as "The Paperclip" for its unique narrow layout. Similarly, Pocono is known as "Matolli's Mistake".

Nascar executives have urged fans not to look anymore into the fact that Martinsville gets Pikes Peak's Busch date next year, just months after ISC bought both tracks.

49 drivers attempted this Sunday's race, meaning that six will go home. And by six I mean Joey McCarthey and five others.

ODDS:
3:1 Anyone will show up for "Wally's World".
8:1 Jeff Gordon's race will end when a piece of Skylab cuts one of his tires.
20:1 Jeff Green will show up in the 0 car this week (too soon).

Trust The Midas Touch

A quick recap of the past few weeks' coverage of the Chase for the Cup:

That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes. That's just Fred's oil brakes.

Nascar's Dress Code

As you've no doubt heard, the NBA recently announced a new dress code for its players. Nascar has had such a dress code on the books for years, though usually it is unavailable to the public. Today The Ouside Groove takes a look at a very strict--and very specific--dress code for Nascar's biggest names:

All Drivers--Must wear oxford-style shirt with embroidered sponsor logo on left chest during all off-track interviews.

All Owners--Same as drivers, but with embroidery the same color as the shirt.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.--Hat must be worn with a 180 degree difference between the brim and the face.

Casey Mears--No baggy medium sized clothes.

Jamie McMurray--No less than three pounds of hair gel at any time.

Dale Jarrett--Nascar must be notified of any and all hair color changes at least 30 days in advance.

Kyle Petty--Ponytail must be longer than 18", but no longer than 36".

Ryan Newman and Jeff Burton--Nextel logos may be blacked out on occasion.

Jim Hunter--Must look like everyone's grandpa.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "Beverly Hills" by Weezer

New York City its really great
That's where they want to build a track
But to find a place you need a knack
For paying off the mob and pols
Staten Island, that's a good start
But they need to pick a place
I know the one
An open space
But it used to be a landfill

Build on Fresh Kills
That's where the track should be
Buildin' the track on Fresh Kills
Build on Fresh Kills
Retired New York landfill
Building the track on Fresh Kills

Look at all that open land
So what if its not really clean
The garbage decomposed for years
That's good enough for ISC
They'll build a Bristol clone up there
As long as all the funding flies
Just be careful breaking ground
Its full of dead Wiseguys

Build on Fresh Kills
That's where the track should be
Buildin' the track on Fresh Kills
Build on Fresh Kills
Retired New York landfill
Building the track on Fresh Kills

The truth is the land is still to soft
Its settling for 30 years
And that is just too long
Yeah I know
You want this track to be built quick
That is the way its got to be
So you just settle on the site
On the refinery

Build on Fresh Kills
That's where the track should be
Buildin' the track on Fresh Kills
Build on Fresh Kills
Next to where my grandmother lives
Building the track on Fresh Kills

For More on Fresh Kills

Petty Enterprises Hires Bobby Labonte

Kyle Petty, CEO of Petty Enterprises, estatically introduced Bobby Labonte as the new driver of the #43 Dodge at a press conference earlier today.
"Bobby is a champion driver. Pairing him with a champion sponsor like General Mills is a no-brainer", Petty exclaimed. "Bobby is the guy who's going to take Petty Enterprises to the promised land--Double Chicken Money!"
The surprising chain of events were set in motion once Mike "Miss" Bliss was fired from Haas Motorsports. That ride was filled by Petty's own Jeff Green. Once it became known that Labonte was unhappy with his performance at Joe Gibbs Racing, Petty made the annoucement.
"Gibbs is a top-flight organization, that's for sure, but we feel that Petty Enterprises has some pretty neat perks of its own." Petty explained. "For instance, Bobby will get a 10% off coupon at all local Red Wing Shoes Dealers. Additionally, Bobby gets his own shelf in the garage refridgerator. And as far as I'm concered, my desk is Bobby's desk, whenever he needs it."
It remains what input, if any, Labonte has had in the move, as he was not present at the press conference, nor has he indicated if he has accepted the Petty offer. For his part, Labonte was unavailable for comment, as he was participating in medical tests for GlaxoSmithKline.

The Play-by-Play of Last Night's Race

The cars are getting the one to go signal...there's still the brewing controversy about the tire situation...Goodyear, having told their teams that they will NOT guarentee their tires for safety at these high speeds. The teams tried to install a chicane at the dogleg but Nascar rejected it...WAIT A MINUTE! All of the teams are returning to pit road! Yes, they are going through on the threat they made earlier today, all of the Goodyear cars will NOT run today. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what to make of this. There will be no race today, I have no idea if there will be a makeup. The teams...HOLD ON, there's someone on the track. It looks like...Kirk Shelmerdine, yes Kirk Shelmerdine. Let me get a closer look, those are Dunlop tires he's running...green flag and this race is underway!

Charlowe's "News" and Notes

RCR and Jack Daniels announced that Dave Blaney will be replaced by Clint...Bowyer in 2006. Most likely this is due to the irreversable fact that middle-aged men don't drink whiskey.

ABC and ESPN are reportedly close to taking NBC and TNT's portion of the schedule. Reportedly, John Kernan was heard calling Bill Weber, chanting "who's stupid now?!?" over and over again.

Victory Motorsports, owned by former NFL player Terrance Mathis, will be partnering with Morgan-McClure Motorsports to enter Nextel Cup. Insiders see this as a great move 15 years ago.

Erin Crocker's plans to enter Nascar full-time were altered yesterday, with the announcement that she'll be running Trucks instead of Busch. I blame the glasses.

Mike Bliss was released effective the end of the season from Haas Motorports, despite having a handshake agreement to return in 2006. When you can't trust a discount internet company, who CAN you trust?

ODDS:
EVEN--The Notre Dame-USC game will run over, forcing NBC to put the race on Bravo.
4:1--There will be a pre-race story on Tony Stewart's "good bad days".
75:1--Someone will mention Boris Said missing the race beyond the usual DNQ rundown.

Halls of Fame Part 5 of 5: Kansas City

KANSAS CITY (Dee-tona is below)

Note: This is a review of Kansas City KANSAS, not Kansas City Missouri. The hall of fame would be in the Jayhawk State, not the Show-Me State.

ESTABLISHED: Unknown (just like Jimmy Spencer's pants size).

CONNECTION TO THE SOUTH: None

CONECTION TO NASCAR: They've raced there for a few years.

OTHER SPORTS TEAMS: The city proper only has the Kansas City T-bones of the Northern League. However, their cross town...town, is home to the Kansas City Chiefs and the Kansas City Royals, aka purgatory.

FORMER ABA TEAM: None, though a planned franchise for Kansas City was tranferred to Denver, where it became the Rockets, who evolved into the Nuggets.

STRONGEST PROPONENTS: Ummmm...no one?

BIGGEST KNOCK AGAINST IT: Its freakin' Kansas City.

FUN FACT: Kanas City Kansas and its suburbs are managed by a Unified Government. So THAT'S what happened to the guys who won all the medals at the 1994 Olympics.

Halls of Fame Part 4 of 5: Daytona

DAYTONA (Hot-lanta is below)

ESTABLISHED: 1876--and just 100 years later, Tony Stewart would be born to smite us all.

CONNECTION TO THE SOUTH: Home of Bike Week, an annual rendevous for bikers and "bikers" who can't make it to Sturgis.

CONNECTION TO NASCAR: Its headquartered there. This would be like asking what Redmond, Washington's connection to Microsoft is.

OTHER SPORTS TEAMS: None, though it is particuarly close to the Jacksonville area and thus the Jaguars (and their indestructable quarterback).

FORMER ABA TEAM: The creatively named Floridians, best known now for their bizarre contests, their "fire the team and keep the coach" strategy, and their scantily-clad ballgirls, all of whom apparently looked like Marcia Brady.

STRONGEST PROPONENTS: All them wealthy Frances.

BIGGEST KNOCK AGAINST IT: Um, they don't want a hall of fame. Typically saying "no, thank you" takes you out of the running.

FUN FACT: The annual Black College Reunion is held every year in Daytona Beach. And if that doesn't say Nascar, what does?

Halls of Fame Part 3 of 5: Atlanta

ATLANTA

ESTABLISHED: 1836, when Hershal McGriff ruled the world.

CONNECTION TO THE SOUTH: Hosted the 1996 Olympics, which are seen as a crowning achievement in southern culture. They also gave us a special paint scheme for Dale Earnhardt.

CONNECTION TO NASCAR: Home of Nascar's fastest track, as well as Nascar's driver with the reddest hair.

OTHER SPORTS TEAMS: The Atlanta Braves, Falcons and Thrashers

FORMER ABA TEAM: None, though a minor league basketball team named the "Hawks" have played here for some time.

STRONGEST PROPONENTS: Bill Elliott, Bill Goldberg, and Ron Mexico.

BIGGEST KNOCK AGAINST IT: Atlanta sports fans won't fill a stadium to watch playoff baseball--why would they go to a hall of fame?

FUN FACT: Atlanta is home to Ted Turner's media empire, without which we would've never seen Nascar broadcasts in the 90's featuring a clearly disoriented Ken Squire.

Halls of Fame Part 2 of 5: Charlotte

CHARLOTTE

ESTABLISHED: 1755. And just three years later, Dave Marcis was born.

CONNECTION TO THE SOUTH: Is considered to be the pinnacle of the "new South", mixing old-time culture with new money. Also, its sister city is Kumasi, Ghana, which is totally a redneck town.

CONNECTION TO NASCAR: Every team is based there. Except for Brendan Gaughan's team. Damn you and your unspellable last name!

OTHER SPORTS TEAMS: Charlotte Bobcats and the Carolina Panthers. In addition, the UNC-Charlotte sports teams are named the 49ers, the only such (real) sports team with that nickname.

FORMER ABA FRANCHISE: Larry Brown...before the Knicks...before the Pistons...before the Sixers...before the Pacers...before the Spurs...before the Clippers...before the Jayhawks...before the Nets...before the Bruins...before the Nuggets...there were the Carolina Cougars.

STRONGEST PROPONENTS: Technically everyone in Nascar, as their tax dollars would support the effort indirectly. Except for Brendan Gaughan's team. Damn you and your tax shelters!

BIGGEST KNOCK AGAINST IT: If we wanted to take a look at how Nascar used to be, we could just visit the Wood Brothers shop.

FUN FACT: Public transportation is overseen by the Charlotte Area Transit System, or CATS. How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha.

Halls of Fame Part 1 of 5: Richmond

Starting today, The Outside Groove takes a look at the four major cities (and Kansas City) bidding on the proposed Nascar Hall of Fame. So where will YOU be seeing Dave Marcis' wingtips? Lets take a look...

RICHMOND

ESTABLISHED: 1607, or roughly when Joe Ruttman started running late models.

CONNECTION TO THE SOUTH: Capital of the Confederacy. You can't get a stronger connection than that.

CONNECTION TO NASCAR: Hosts two races a year, and was the site of Kyle Petty's bizarre first win.

OTHER SPORTS TEAMS: None, unless you count the legendary Richmond Spiders.

FORMER ABA FRANCHISE: Virginia Squires (Former players? The quite fro-worthy Dr. J and The Iceman).

STRONGEST PROPONENTS: Burtons and Sadlers and Rudd--oh my! Burtons and Sadlers and Rudd--oh my!

BIGGEST KNOCK AGAINST IT: "Hey kids, lets go take a trip to Richmond" doesn't exactly get the blood pumping.

FUN FACT: Patrick Henry gave his famous "Give me liberty or give me death" speech in this city in 1775. This sentiment was echoed by Rusty Wallace in 2004, who said of teammate Ryan Newman, "Give me respect or give me a hot rod!"

As Seen on "60 Minutes"

Yesterday 60 Minutes did a story on the France family of Nascar. While eveyone else was focusing on the excrusiatingly long post-race show, here's what you missed in the interview:

--When he was 15, Brian France was TOTALLY into NWA.

--Lesa France Kennedy doesn't feel that her name is ostentatious.

--Richard Pety's mispronunciasion of "benevolent" was totaly patetic.

--Brian France is made entirely out of oranges.

--Bill France Jr? Pinko commie.

--The receptionist at ISC's headquarters is kinda moody on Monday mornings.

--Strangely enough, the nation of France was offered a chance to host a race in 2002, but they surrendered their date.

Hall of Fame Odds

Everyone has been wondering lately...how do I pronounce Kluever? Well, I can't answer that, but I can give you odds on who's going to get the HOF Racing ride in 2006:

6:1 Tony Raines--Comes with no baggage, successful Busch background and some Cup experience. Major drawback is that he is, after all, Tony Raines.

15:1 Ward Burton--Still the top driver without a ride, and a Daytona 500 champ to boot. He's the only driver in the running that will bring his own fanbase built in. However, can you see Ward promoting LCD TV technology?

40:1 Mike Wallace--Spam Spam Spam Spam Spammmmmmm Wonderful Spam.

60:1 Truck Series Pick'em--Ricky Craven, Johnny Benson, Mike Skinner, Jimmy Spencer, any of them would bring experience and name appeal (well, except Johnny). Unfortunately, they're all over Nascar's required age limit of 22.

75:1 Paul Tracy--Its Scott Pruett 2: The Sequal!

No Line Pete Rose--Rose will NEVER get into the Hall of Fame car.

Kansas "News" and Notes

After being named the points leader immediately following the race at Talladega, Ryan Newman's third-place finish was reviewed by Nascar officials. Like that, his points lead disappeared like Dust in the Wind.

Kevin Harvick's crew chief was suspended--again--for illegal modifications to the trunk of the car--again. How long...how long...How Long, To the Point of Know Return?

Todd Kluever has been officially put in a Roush Busch ride for 2006. When asked if this would lead to his promotion to the 6 car in 2007, Roush indicated that Kluever would Carry On, My Wayward Son.

Dale Jarrett comes into this weekend's race following his first win in over two years. Jarrett credited his win to the reunification with crew chief Todd Parrott, who gave him a car Borne on the Wings of Steel.

ODDS:
3:1 Drivers who get out of the groove will be able to Hold On.
10:1 The announcers will be able to avoid referring to last week's Mysteries and Mayhem.
100,000:1 Anyone will recognize these references.

King vs. King

We all know that Richard Petty is the King of Stock Car Racing. And we all know that Elvis Presley is the King of Rock & Roll. But what else do they have in common? Lets take a look:

CHILDHOOD
Elvis: Spent it learning how to sing and play guitar
Richard: Spent it searching for the world's largest belt-buckle

EARLY NICKNAME
Elvis: Elvis The Pelvis
Richard: Lee's Kid

FIRST DIVERSION FROM FAME
Elvis: Enlisted in the Army
Richard: Enlisted in NHRA

DANGEROUS, BARELY LEGAL MOVE
Elvis: Swiveling hips on national TV
Richard: Driving the Superbird

DRUG DEPENDENCE
Elvis: Pain killers
Richard: Goody's Headache Powders

HATED BY
Elvis: Religious right, movie critics, R&B fans
Richard: Bobby Allison

MOMENT WITH PRESIDENT HATED BY MATT GROENING
Elvis: Being named an honorary drug agent by Richard Nixon
Richard: Being congratuated by Ronald Regan after winning the 1984 Firecracker 400

SMILE MOST RESEMBLED
Elvis: Nike swoosh
Richard: Piano

CONTROVERSY WITH AFRICAN AMERICANS
Elvis: Was long-rumored to have said that the only thing they could do is "...buy my records and shine my shoes" (was never proven)
Richard: Claimed in a Real Sports interview that Nascar had tried to give opportunties "...to colored people" (could just have been due to basic stupidity)

CONNECTION TO WALLY DALLENBACH, JR.
Elvis: Daughter was nearly killed by him during "Wally's World"
Richard: Hired and fired him in the mid-90's

LASTING LEGACY
Elvis: Still considered to be the greatest perfomer of any kind of the 20th century
Richard: Still considered to have had the greatest engine builder of all time for a brother

Scott Stapp Named Official Crappy Musician of Nascar

Former Creed frontman Scott Stapp was officially introduced to the media yesterday as Nascar's Official Crappy Musician. The annoucement was made by Nascar generalisimo Jim Hunter.
"We feel that Scott best represents what Nascar fans want in an untalented performer", Hunter explained. "He brings no discernable talent, marginal looks, and a checkered past. He really fit the bill."
Nascar plans to use Stapp's "music" in their new campaign promoting the Chase for the Cup. The media blitz, tentatively titled "Nascar: The Polar Opposite of This Drivel" will feature such new Stapp tracks as "Why did I ever leave my band" and "I think I'm Eddie Vedder".
Stapp follows a long line of official niche musicians for the sport, including the likes of "Official Girl Who's Hotness Freaks Fans Out" Leann Rhimes, "Official National Anthem Singer" Kelly Clarkson, and "Official Band That, If They Had Existed in the 70's, Would've Toured Constantly with Lynard Skynard" 3 Doors Down.
Stapp was unavailable for comment, as he was performing at a South Dakota VFW hall.

Busch Series Driver Theme Songs

A while ago, we looked at the "entrance music" songs that Nextel Cup drivers could use when they're introduced. Now...its the Busch Series' turn:

0-Kertus Davis--"Man I feel like a woman" by Shania Twain

1-Johnny Sauter--"The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers OR "Keep on Truckin'" by the Greatful Dead

2-Clint Boyer--"I'm Blue" by Eiffel 65

4-Kevin Hamlin--Jingle from Boars Head ad (mmm...ham)

5-The Hendrick Brigade--"Takin' Care of Business" by BTO (as in "and workin' overtime")

6-Erin Crocker--"Heart of Glass" by Blondie

8-Martin Truex, Jr.--INSERT BON JOVI JOKE HERE

10-Brent Sherman--"Enter Sandman" by Metallica

11-Paul Menard--"Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles

12-Joel Kaufmann--"I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow

14-David Stremme--"In the Navy" by The Villiage People

18-J.J. Yeley--Theme from "Good Times" ("...hangin' in a chow line!")

20-Denny Hamlin--"Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell

21-Kevdon Millvick--"It Takes Two"

22-Kenny Wallace--"I lost my sponsor because they're product was borderline illegal" by Toto

25-Ashton Lewis--Anything by Timbaland

27-David Green--"We Are Family" by Sister Sledge

28-Derrike Cope--"I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred

32-Jason Leffler--"I'm a Loser" by The Beatles

33-Tony Raines et al--"Wild Horses" by The Rolling Stones

34-(was) Randy LaJoie--"Boys are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzie

35-Jason Keller--Theme from Magnum P.I. (They both made huge mistakes and shaved their mustaches)

38-Mike Wallace--"Stuck in the Middle With You"

41-Reed Sorenson--Anything by Lou Reed

44-Justin Labonte--"I won a race once. No really, I did" by The Johnny Benson Trio

47-Jon Wood--"Knock on Wood" by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones

49-Steve Grissom--who cares?

59-Stacy Compton--"Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne

60-Carl Edwards--"Jump" by Van Halen

64-Rusty's Racers--"High Life Again" by Steve Winwood

66-Greg Biffle--"Fire" by some 70's disco band

Doing the Math

Like every other Nascar fan, I've been routinely exposed to the Aaron's commercial featuring Darrell Waltrip painting his name on the car (no, I won't call it the Aaron's Dream Machine). Unlike every other Nascar fan, I've deconstructed it:

The painting board: DW has many colors on his painting board; however, none of these are white, which is the color paint he is using to paint his name.

The paint itself: Look closely and you can see that the "paint" on the board is just a bunch of stickers.

Darrell's smock: Its stained in a bunch of different colors. But if he's only painting in white, how did that happen?

The music: Stock French music plays in the background. Because we all know that, in order to artistically express yourself, you must be French.

Mikey: Does he just wear his driving suit everywhere?

Three halves: In theory, Darrell could drive the "third half" of the race if there was a green-white-checkered finish.

DW's constant rejection: So Mikey WON'T let his brother, a three time champ, drive his car, but he WILL like Mike Skinner?

Mark Martin Fans Storm Nascar Headquarters

Following a call to arms from their leader, fans of Nascar driver Mark Martin attacked the headquarters of Nascar in Daytona this afternoon.
Fans, numbering in the thousands, immediately mobilized, causing massive traffic jams in the Daytona Beach area. Around 4pm EST, loud chants of "1 2 3 4 We'll race with the plates no more!" grew angry and loud.
Area police were brought in to subdue the crowd when an unidentified protester burned an effigy of Brian France. However, several rowdier protesters continued sybolically smashing dinner plates on the ground.
Around 5pm, the police were overwhelmed in a sea of blue and white, as Martin's fans infiltrated the building. The France family had already been airlifted out for their own safety.
The condition of the building--and the status of the protesters--remains unknown. The National Guard attempted to establish a triage center in the Daytona grandstands, but were distracted as they savagely beat a man in a Ryan Newman shirt.