2007 Nextel Cup Championship Preview...Part 1

The 2007 Preview is here! Keep two things in mind:
1. This is based on owners points, not drivers points.
2. I'm pretty dumb.

Lets start things off with the tops in the sport. These 12 drivers will make the Chase...unless Nascar arbitrarily changes the rules again.


1. 17 Matt Kenseth
Prediction: Matt Kenseth will win the 2007 Nextel Cup Championship, becoming the most electrifying two-time champion since Terry Labonte.
Bold Prediction: Matt will shock his fans by referring to his 2007 run as the “Brett Favre, please retire” Tour.
Fun Fact: Matt has no stapler at Roush Racing. Damn you Mark Martin!

2. 20 Tony Stewart
Prediction: Tony will hold the points lead for most of the season, then, after an early-Chase slump, attempt to injure his hand in an attempt at resurgence.
Bold Prediction: Tony will be fined $5,000 by the NFL for excessive celebration.
Fun Fact: When not racing, Tony likes to relax by doing a little racing.

3. 48 Jimmie Johnson
Prediction: Jimmie will lead the series in wins, but fall out of Chase contention after getting completely lost in the lumber section of an area Lowes.
Bold Prediction: Jimmie will sweat. On TV. After a race.
Fun Fact: Jimmie is the five-time champion of the Beavis and Butt-head “Most Popular Driver” award.

4. 24 Jeff Gordon
Prediction: Jeff will work overtime to reclaim his spot as the dominate driver of his generation. Unfortunately, he won’t get paid for it.
Bold Prediction: In accordance with his sponsorship contract with GM, his wife will now be professionally known as Ingrid VandeACDelco.
Fun Fact: Jeff will go into rehab for a nasty addiction to Nicorette. The cure? Pure, smooth tobacco goodness of Winston-brand cigarettes (endorsed by Fred Flintstone!)

5. 29 Kevin Harvick
Prediction: Kevin will win the Daytona 500, then dedicate the win to his owners—Richard Childress, and a large, faceless investment firm.
Bold Prediction: Kevin will officially adopt the nickname “Young Yeller”.
Fun Fact: To paraphrase the great Mitch Hedberg: “Kevin would love to back to Little League now—he’d kick some ass!”

6. 12 Ryan Newman
Prediction: Ryan will get off to a fast start, then fade away. Whether Rusty Wallace’s voodoo is the reason is anyone’s guess.
Bold Prediction: New rules enforced by Nextel will force his paint scheme to read “Not Alltel Wireless”.
Fun Fact: After missing the top ten, Ryan’s annual “contract renewal” with his wife was held up. She renegotiated after getting concessions for weekly garbage removal and transference of dog-walking duties.

7. 5 Kyle Busch
Prediction: Kyle will post an up-and-down season, varying from running g-r-r-r-eat to seemingly being on a quest to find a good car.
Bold Prediction: To complete his public image, Kyle will incorporate the phrases “Golly Sir!” and “Gee Willakers!” into post-race interviews.
Fun Fact: Combines the driving ability of Kyle Petty with the great social skills of Kurt Busch.

8. 8 Dale Earnhardt, Jr
Prediction: Junior will NOT win a race this year. The diecast market will subsequently collapse.
Bold Prediction: For shutting down the diecast industry, Junior will be named Time Magazine’s Man of the Year.
Fun Fact: In addition to his sister, Junior also allows a blonde, out-of-work actor to live on his property in a guest house. What could go wrong?

9. 99 Carl Edwards
Prediction: After winning this year, Carl, instead of flipping, will produce a piece of cardboard and break-dance on the finish line.
Bold Prediction: Bruce Springsteen will remake the song “Johnny 99” in Carl’s honor, preceding it with a meandering five-minute long rap session about his father.
Fun Fact: “My old man, he was never much for racin’. He used to say, ‘boy, you race that car, you’re gonna wind up in jail.’ Well some folks do wind up in jail. And some become…Carl 99. Ah-ONE TWO THREE FOUR!”

10. 1 Martin Truex Jr.
Prediction: Martin will become the marketing juggernaut DEI has been looking for for so long.
Bold Prediction: In an effort to differentiate himself from Dale Earnhardt Jr., Truex Jr. will take the new nickname “Tru2”.
Fun Fact: Truex is currently seeing a woman named Sherry Pollex. No word on whether or not his favorite movie is XXX.

11. 31 Jeff Burton
Prediction: Jeff’s 2006 dream season, where he made it back to the top of the sport, will be replaced by Jeff’s 2007 dream season, where he’s trying to walk across a bridge with Jimmy Carter and a parrot with a French accent.
Bold Prediction: After losing sponsor Cingular, Kirk Shelmerdine will step up and help former owner Richard Childress with some sponsorship.
Fun Fact: Upon hearing the Nextel “chirp” sound, Jeff immediately flies into a fit of rage.

12. 07 Clint Bowyer
Prediction: With Clint Bowyer narrowly making the Chase, RCR will have returned to its glory days of Dale Earnhardt and no teammate.
Bold Prediction: On St. Patrick’s Day, he’ll be known as Clint O’Bowyer.
Fun Fact: Clint spent the entire off-season aging in a barrel.

(more tomorrow)

Body of Work

Can't believe it, but I left off some prominent names from my Body Parts Hall of Fame (yesterday's article). To recap, here's the original list:

Luther Head (basketball)
Reggie Tongue (football)
Norman Hand (football)
Daunte Finger (racing)
Katherine Legge (racing)
Adam Foote (hockey)
Toe Blake (hockey)

and here's some more...
Louis Lipps (football)
Brian Mohler (baseball)
Jerry Ball (football)
Greg Sacks (racing)
and, of course, Dick Trickle (SportsCenter)

I Am A Whiny Jerk

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. I have a bunch of articles swimming around my brain, but I've been busy as anything at work, and fighting a nasty head cold. To make matters worse, I'm in the middle of reading "1984", so I'm constantly thinking that Nascar's Thought Police are going to vaporize me. I'll start writing again ASAP (probably tomorrow, definitely by Wednesday), but I had a bizarre thought at work that I simply MUST share:
While catching some of the Rolex 24 at Daytona, I heard that Katherine Legge was racing. Her name caught my attention, as did FitzBradshaw crew member/NBS 24/7 cast member Daunte Finger. They're part of the multi-sport concoction I call the Body Parts Hall of Fame. Here's the entries I have so far (working down):

Luther Head (basketball)
Reggie Tongue (football)
Norman Hand (football)
Daunte Finger (racing)
Katherine Legge (racing)
Adam Foote (hockey)
Toe Blake (hockey)

Feel free to add any of your own entries.

Jacques Villeneuve Considering Options for Lunch

With noontime fast approaching, Jacques Villeneuve has been weighing his options for his next lunchtime. Sources currently have him leaning towards some sort of sandwich, though nothing is set in stone as of yet.
"I'm looking at what will be best for my career at this point", explained a slightly hungry Villeneuve, "We've been looking at numerous choices, but we don't want to commit to anything at this time.
Villeneuve is most famous for his exploits with delivery pizza, eating some of the best pies made in the 90's. However, Villeneuve stopped ordering the tasty treat when he started getting more and more crusts with burn marks on them--Black Markers, if you will.
Rumors from as early as 9:30am had Villeneuve making a long-awaited move to a sandwich, and was reportedly in negotiation with a local deli for a foot-long hoagie. However, recent developments may have him dropping down to a smaller type of sandwich.
"We don't want to bite off more than we can chew", said Villeneuve, "and right now I just don't think a foot-long is the way to go. We're currently looking at 6-inch subs, and we can go with a kaiser roll if needed."
Villeneuve has stated several times that if he cannot find a satisfactory lunch, he may skip it all together. However, those close to him say that is a remote possibility.
"Jacques was born to eat", said close Villeneuve confident and back-up lunch-picker-upper Kirk Woodley. "A guy like that can't go without lunch for too long. I'd hate to see him turn down a great opportunity, then wind up regretting it around 3pm."

That's the Breaks

The Outside Groove takes a few days off this week, but shall return on Friday. In the meantime, why don't you leave a comment on this article with YOUR favorite storylines you'd like to see some other drivers pursue. Remember, there are no Mr. Irrelevants in Nascar...besides Wally Dallenbach.

The 2007 Nascar Nextel Cup Storyline Daft...continued

Chris Berman: Back to New York, where the 2007 Nascar Nextel Cup Storyline Draft rolls on--we're through three picks already, Mel--where do you see Martin "To Tell the" Truex going with the fourth pick?

Mel Mackler Jr.: They could go in a couple of directions, Chris. Early word had them going with "Disappointing Junior Crony", but sentiment in the DEI camp now has them going a sightly more risky route, you could see them grab "First Time Race Winner" in the four spot.

Berman: Back to the podium with "Andy Van" Mike Helton.

Helton: With the fourth pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Martin Truex selects...Last Driver in the Chase.

(crowd chants "Mayfield! Mayfield!")

Berman: A sound choice for the Jersey boys, but do you like this pick, Mel?

Mackler: Not at all, Chris--Last Driver in the Chase has not worked out well for similar drivers over the past few years. You look at a guy like Jeremy Mayfield, he took that pick TWO years in a row, got almost ZERO press out of it. In fact, it was a late round selection of "Guy with Chubby Dogs" that got Jeremy his most attention over the past few seasons. Not a good pick at all.

Berman: Lets head to the floor with Pat O'Brien "and Murphy"

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, and I'm here with Martin Truex and New York Jets fan Kirk Church--Kirk, what do you think of this controversial pick?

Kirk: This is the worst day of my life--I should just go home and hang myself right now. If it wasn't for having the lead singer of U2 as our crew chief, I'd go back to being a Steve Park fan.

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, back up to you.

Berman: Well we now see the first real wild card pick of the day, Sterling Marlin, at the fifth pick--any idea on where he could go?

Mackler: None really at all--this is a team that needs loads of help at all positions, don't be surprised if they trade down to get some help at multiple storylines, Chris.

Berman: Back up to the podium, Mike "and Ike" Helton with the pick.

Helton: With the fifth pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Sterling Marlin selects...Surprise Run by a Veteran.

(audience cheers)

Berman: Wow--just what this team needs, a solid pick at the top of the board.

Mackler: I couldn't agree more, Chris--this pick has worked out great in the past, you've seen it work so well with Mark Martin in the past few years, Bill Elliott before that. If this pick works out, don't be surprised to see Sterling Marlin make some ink in the papers.

Berman: To the floor, Pat O'Brien "Taylor" with a blast from the past.

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, and I'm here with the ORIGINAL Surprise Run by a Veteran, Handsome Harry Gant. Bandit, what do you think of this pick?

Gant: Great pick by Sterling, I was a little worried that James Hylton might jump up and grab this pick, but hopefully Sterling can carry on the tradition of great runs by older drivers, and chewing and spitting highly addictive substances.

O'Brien: And I know about highly addictive substances! I'm Pat O'Brien, back to you.

Berman: Sixth spot, Kasey Kahne, where do the Dodge Boys go, Mel?

Mackler: My sources have Kasey going for a bit of a reach with "Driver Who Toughens up his Image", this pick didn't work out that well last year for Jeff Gordon, but there's lots of rumors floating around this team.

Berman: To the podium, lets find out from "I Dislike" Mike Helton.

Helton: With the sixth pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Kasey Kahne selects...Driver Who Toughens up his Image.

(high pitch squealing from the audience)

Berman: Ahhh! Damn teenage girls! They're louder than Stephen A. Smith! Mel, your thoughts?

Mackler: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR A DAMN THING! THE SOUNDWAVES EVEN MOVED A STRAND OF MY HAIR.

Berman: Back to the floor, with "Stand" Pat O'Brien, who I hope was wearing earplugs.

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, here with 19-year-old Kasey Kahne fan Dawn Ryan. Dawn, what do you think of your man's pick here?

Dawn: Ohmigawd, Kasey Kahne is like, sooo cute, he's totttallly my favorite driiiiver. If he gets, like, reeeallly tough, it'll be like, sooo sexy.

O'Brien: You are so hot...I wanna (CENSORED BY ESPN2 BOARD OPS)...I'm Pat O'Brien and I'm being arrested!

Berman: That's all for now from New York City, I'd like to thank Mel Mackler Jr. for another great year of draft coverage. Good bye, and now back to your regularly scheduled ESPN2 Poker-related coverage!

As Seen on ESPN2...

Announcer: "The Following is a Special Presentation of ESPN2, the Worldwide Leader in Poker...I mean, Sports."

Chris Berman: Live from New York, home of such champions as the Knicks and Giants, its the 2007 Nascar Nextel Cup Storyline Draft! I am your host today, Chris "Boomer" Berman--joined for the 10th straight year by senior ESPN2 Nascar storyline expert, Mel Mackler Jr.

Mackler: Great to be here, Chris--we're looking at an interesting draft for sure, lots of top storylines to go on out there, now we just gotta find out who goes with what.

Berman: OK, for those of you unfamiliar with the draft, here's how it goes: Each Nascar team gets to select one storyline to be defined by each year. Sportswriters are then required to play up that angle all year, no matter what the results on the track are. As you'll remember, Jimmie "Junior" Johnson scored a late-draft steal last year with "Team Under Pressure", a move that REALLY paid off for them, Mel.

Mackler: Absolutely right, Chris, it seemed like they just took the best storyline available last year, but it really stepped in once Chad Knaus went down with a four race suspension.

Berman: OK, the draft order was determined by a random lottery ball drawing, monitored by Kenny Wallace, who laughed every time the word "balls" was mentioned. The ping-pong balls bounced in the favor of Dale "Amelia" Earnhardt Jr. this year, and he's got the first pick.

Mackler: This is really a no-brainer here, lots of controversy, always under scrutiny, wildly popular, this is an obvious pick.

Berman: Lets go up to the podium, where commissioner Mike "Todd" Helton is ready with the first pick.

Helton: With the first pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Dale Earnhardt Jr. selects...Team with Something to Prove.

(audience cheers)

Berman: No surprises there, Mack.

Mackler: Not at all, Ber. Some are wondering if Junior is overhyped, maybe if all the off-track drama is getting to him, it'll be easy for writers to pigeonhole him this year as somebody with something to prove.

Berman: For the fan reaction, lets go down to the floor with the third man on our crew, Pat "Hurricane" O'Brien. Pat?

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, and I'm here with Junior fan Allen Salem--Al, what did you think of that first pick?

Salem: Oh, definitely a good move by Junior. He's a guy with something to prove, just like everyone else. He's a regular guy...you know, with lots of money. And a wild-west village in his back yard.

O'Brien. I'm Pat O'Brien, back to you.

Berman: Thanks Patty, now the second pick belongs to Denny "Kenny" Hamlin--how do you see this one going, Mike?

Mackler: Well, they have a couple of options. They could go with "Driver on the Rise", but Carl Edwards went that route last year, and it didn't help him one bit. One rumor has them trading down and possibly going with a "safe" pick, like "Chase Contender" or "Teammate of a Hothead."

Berman: Back to the podium, for Mike "Bat Out of" Helton.

Helton: With the second pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Denny Hamlin selects...Avoiding the Sophomore Jinx.

(audience cheers and oohs)

Berman: Ohhh, a bit of a surprise there, Hammy going for the swiss cheese there, Mike.

Mackler: There had been some talk about them going this route--its very high risk, high reward. Few drivers--or any athletes, for that matter--are able to avoid the sophomore jinx, if this pays off, they could be contending for the championship. All-in-all, they should get at least a few early season articles out of this one.

Berman: Back to the floor, Pat-Man.

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, and I'm standing here with Joe Gibbs himself--Joe, why the surprise move?

Gibbs: Well, this team is all about taking chances--last year people thought we were crazy picking "Driver Coming Back From an Injury", but look what it did for us? As long as we can repeat the 2006 Nascar season, and not the 2006 NFL season, we'll be fine.

O'Brien: Back to you, Chris.

Berman: From the obvious to the surprise, to the next pick--Ryan Newman holds the #3 pick after a late-season trade last year.

Mackler: That's right, Newman acquired the rights to Matt Kenseth's selection in exchange for five of Kenseth's robots. We've seen the robots put to use throwing eggs at Rusty Wallace's house, lets see how Newman uses this pick.

Berman: Back to the podium once more, with Mike Helton "of fun".

Helton: With the third pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Ryan Newman selects...Quiet Solid Season.

(crowd oohs and ahhs)

Berman: Ahhh, verrry interestink. Newman going the low-profile route, following in the footsteps of Jeff Burton, huh?

Mackler: I like this pick here, Chris. Newman was down last year, didn't get a lot of press--you can see what this storyline did for Jeff Burton last year. You won't see results from this pick for awhile, but I think it WILL pay off.

Berman: What do you got for us, Pitter Patter?

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, I called Roger Penske last night. I was asking about scheduling a meeting with him and my producer, lets call her, "Betsy". Well, one thing led to another, and now I have a restraining order. I'm Pat O'Brien.

Berman: We'lllllll be back from New York, after these words from Peyton Manning.


(To be continued)

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Parody

To the tune of "Big Time" by Peter Gabriel

Im on my way, to Nextel Cup
I’m Juan Pablo Montoy-a
Finally I can draft
But that’s not why I’m going…

The place where I come from is the big time
They think so big
They use big words
As for me?
I’m tired of that
Time to get out
I’ll be shrinking my head
To let those big ideas on out

I had enough, so I moved out
To the country, the slow, slow country
I’ll make a small noise with all the small boys
Too bad there’s no race queens
The only thing big is my gum
And the Car of Tomorrow

Small time
I’m moving out to Nextel Cup
Small time
Small time
No more follow the leader
Small time
Small time
Much smaller than F1
Small time
I even beat the Frenchie!
Small time

My teammates are a young rookie
And a reality TV star
My owner looks like a high school football coach
The fans know my three names
Hope they don’t think that is too uppity
I just got tired of the F1 crowd
“Can’t walk down the street in South America!”
And my cars will be in diecast
For the last few collectors

Small time
I’m moving out to Nextel Cup
Small time
Small time
No more follow the leader
Small time
Small time
Much smaller than F1
Small time
I even beat the Frenchie!
Small time

Small time
My checks are getting smaller
Small time
My sponsor’s getting smaller
Small time
My fines are getting smaller
Small time
And my budget
Small time
My face time’s getting smaller
Small time
And my traveling
Small time
But was this the right move?
Small time
Gotta go and test small small small small small small small small SMALL

Goodbye Benny

Only a week after the passing of Bobby Hamilton (more on him in a moment), Nascar lost another of its legends in Benny Parsons, who died today. Like John Madden, Benny will probably be remembered more as a TV commentator as the years pass, but he was no ordinary driver. After winning two ARCA championships (remember--before that he was a cabbie), he moved back down south to take on the then-Grand National series. He wound up winning the 1973 championship, a win notable for two reasons. One, he won only one race all season (predating the consistent runs of Matt Kenseth and Terry Labonte). Two, when his title hopes seemed to go out with an early wreck at Rockingham, members of OTHER TEAMS stepped in to help him get his car back on the track. That kind of thing doesn't just happen--you have to show dignity, humility, and class to earn it.
Oh, and like Bobby Hamilton, Benny has a connection to Days of Thunder. Remember the scene where Cole Trickle can't pit because his crew is eating ice cream? Well, its based on a similar incident that happened to BP in 1987. You get the idea that when he found this out, only two familiar words were spoken over the radio:
"Wow"
"UNbelievable".

We'll miss you Benny.

No Sales Tax

A quick recap of Speed Channel's coverage of Speedweeks:

Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Toyota Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt

Foreign Relations

Today the MLS announced that soccer mega-star David Beckham has signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy for about a 1/4 of a billion dollars. Meanwhile, Juan Pablo Montoya continues to ramp up for the Daytona 500. How do these two European imports stack up against each other? Lets take a look:

Former fans:
Beckham: Rowdy soccer hooligans
Montoya: Finicky open-wheel enthusiasts

Reason for leaving:
Beckham: Chance to conquer America...for the kids
Montoya: Chance to really really wreck somebody...for the kids

Ready-made uncharismatic rival:
Beckham: Landan Donovan
Montoya: Ryan Newman

Spice connection:
Beckham: Married to former "Posh Spice"
Montoya: Sponsored by Big Red gum (it looks gooood on you)

Constantly trailed by:
Beckham: British paparazzi
Montoya: David Stremme

Beer-related nickname:
Beckham: Becks
Montoya: Pabs Blue Ribbon

Media reaction:
Beckham: "He's going to put soccer on the map in the US" (note: said about Pele in '78 and Tony Meola in '94)
Montoya: "Dey took mer jerb!"

Another "Weird Mike Mackler" Song Presentation

Just a quick reply to all the owners crying wolf about Toyota's entry--and what Toyota should be facing in a few years.

Toyota’s coming soon what will they do?
I don’t know but this much is true
I’d like to hit the owners with a shoe
There must be 43 ways to sell your Cup team

They say “Its way too much now to afford”
If I was a millionaire, maybe it’d stuck a chord
But all your noisy whining leaves me bored
There must be 43 ways to sell your Cup team
43 ways to sell your Cup team

You just slip out the back, Jack
Find a new trick, Rick
Gotta give up the win, Ginn
Just get yourself free
Sell off the Dodge, Rog’
You don’t need this hodgepodge
Just remember don’t bitch, Rich
And get yourself free

They came in search of better sales
They thought their plan would never fail
But in a few years they might look to bail
With 43 ways

“Nobody likes us”, so they’ll say
Half our “rookie drivers” are old and gray
Fans want a Porterhouse, not a Fillet
There must be 43 ways to sell your Cup team
43 ways to sell your Cup team

I know you’ve had your fill, Bill
Your team’ll look dead, Red
You gotta resist the pull, Bull
Just get yourself free
So do whatcha like Mike
Just wait for the cost hike
Don’t gimme no lip, ‘Trip
Just get yourself free

On Bobby Hamilton

(note: no jokes today, as I am not yet up to Onion-level chutzpah)

Bobby Hamilton came from next-to-nothing. The stories are out about his upbringing, living on the streets as a teenager, working his way up the local track. He wound up becoming a pretty darn good driver, winning at the Nextel Cup level. When APR started to fall apart, he went to the Trucks (remember, not many guys had done this before him), and drove his own truck to a championship soon after. All-in-all, a great American success story.
But there is that one really weird part.
You know it--Darrell Waltrip helped Bobby find a ride with Hendrick, driving a "movie car" for Days of Thunder. Bobby wound up tearing up the field before an engine problem ended his day, but THAT was his big break in Nextel Cup. It just goes to show you that if you try to succeed at what you love for a long enough time, you just mind reach your goal--just not in the way you'd expected.

I've Obviously Not Had Hundreds of Girlfriends

The Outside Groove Salutes...Real Fans of Weirdness

Real Fans of Weirdness

Today we salute you, Miss Supermodel-Who-Married-A-Nascar-Driver

Miss Supermodel-Who-Married-A-Nascar-Driver

You prove that some people never outgrow high school, and still go for the guy with the fastest car

Hangin' out at the Wawa

When you first saw your future husband, you said you knew right then he was the man for you--I guess physical looks DO reflect the soul

You were almost Mrs. Derrike

Sure, you'd like to think of yourself as the next Ashley Judd--but she's a famous actress, and you're, well, not

She's got Morgan Freeman

So best of luck, oh Joiner of the Jobless, because no matter what happens, at least he's not an Arena League quarterback.

Miss Supermodel-Who-Married-A-Nascar-Driver

Me and My Website

Me: Hey, website.
The Outside Groove: Oh, don't "Hey, website" me!
Me: What? What's wrong?
The Outside Groove: Oh, YOU know what's wrong!
Me: No, I don't, just tell me what's wrong!
The Outside Groove: YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT'S WRONG YOU IDIOT!
Me: TELL ME!
The Outside Groove: YOU FORGOT MY ANNIVERSARY!
Me: Anniversary? But that's Jan...OH GOD I DID FORGET!
The Outside Groove: Yes, yes you did, Mike.
Me: Damnit, I always forget that its January 3rd.
The Outside Groove: Well, I guess our 2 years together means nothing to you, huh?
Me: Oh, come on, you know that's not true. I'm really sorry.
The Outside Groove: It IS true. You don't care about me!
Me: Of course I do! Sure, I know we don't get together as often in the winter, but testings just around the corner. And hey, Armando Fitz is trying to get his race team back together.
The Outside Groove: Heh, I guess that does sound fun.
Me: Come on, lets spend the whole night mocking drivers.
The Outside Groove: No dates?
Me: Websiiiiite...
The Outside Groove: Just kidding--I know you don't have a date tonight!
Me: Oh website, you SLAY me!

Happy 2 Years!

New Years Resolutions Part 2

(continued from yesterday)

21 Ken Schrader--Convince the Air Force that lots of middle-aged guys like him will sign up for the military.

22 Dave Blaney--Wait anxiously for car to turn into a butterfly.

24 Jeff Gordon--Make sure new wife doesn't make any appearances in Fritos Scoops commericals.

25 Casey Mears--Guard the nation.

26 Jamie McMurray--Enjoy the smooth, crisp taste of Crown Royal on the rocks...responsibly.

29 Kevin Harvick--Be happy. Be healthy.

31 Jeff Burton--Prepare for switch to AT&T sponsorship, followed by lawsuit, followed by being beat up by Sprint punks.

36 Jeremy Mayfield--Ask for salary in cash.

38 David Gilliland--Find out if fish with gills really can be taught to live on land.

40 David Stremme--Block April release of "NBS 24/7 Unrated and Uncut!"

41 Reed Sorenson--Get that "Tum-tum-tum-tum-TUMS!" song out of his head.

42 Juan Pablo Montoya--Look into possible Perrier sponsorship.

43 Bobby Labonte--Bee happy. Bee healthy.

44 Dale Jarrett--Check in with Toyota execs to see if they really do have those vending machines in Japan.

45 Kyle Petty--Add 19th sponsor.

48 Jimmie Johnson--Make gray the hot color for 2007.

49 (Possibly) Mike Bliss--Find out what's online! (Answer--porn).

55 Michael Waltrip--Figure out from new crew chief how he got BAM Racing running so well.

66 Jeff Green--Sell that PS3 on Ebay before the third shipment comes in.

70 Johnny Sauter--Saut on. SAUT ON!!!

78 Kenny Wallace--Oversee long-awaited merger of Furiture & Death Rows.

83 Brian Vickers--Have wings grafted onto body.

84 AJ Allmendinger--Finally form country-rock group, "The Allmandingers Band".

88 or 28 Ricky Rudd--FINALLY get back at Kevin Harvick.

96 Tony Raines--Kill Skip Bayless (at owner's request).

99 Carl Edwards--Have teeth shrunk.