New Years Resolutions (Part 1)

Most of Nascar's top drivers are far from perfect (well, except for Tim Sauter). So its no surprise that some New Years Resolutions are in order. Here's a look (more tomorrow):

00 David Reutimann--Eat healthy.

01 Mark Martin--Count his blessings (note: could take until mid-April to complete).

07 Clint Bowyer--Get Richard Childress to start partner team with sponsor "Squat".

1 Martin Truex Jr.--Meet Bono.

2 Kurt Busch--Finish plastic surgery with Elfinectomy operation.

4 Ward Burton--Install new water heater in outhouse.

5 Kyle Busch--Eat bowl of cereal and motor oil every morning.

6 David Ragan--Find woman to "use him for all he's worth".

7 Robby Gordon--Continue therapy sessions to rid fear of Monsters on helmet.

8 Dale Earnhardt Jr.--See career counselor to find out proper path to becoming a full-time celebrity.

9 Kasey Kahne--Find woman prettier than him.

10 Scott Riggs--Put on 150lbs, go by new nickname "Big Riggs".

11 Denny Hamlin--Get sponsor to restart search for Chuck Noland.

12 Ryan Newman--Instruct wife to "come and get your love".

13 Joe Nemechek--Begin getting resume together.

14 Sterling Marlin--Start making plans for 2008 retirement tour: "Itssa lass lap, y'all"

15 Paul Menard--Look into changing embarrassing last name to more professional choice, such as "Nutley", "Ballmer", or "Gonadawitz".

16 Greg Biffle--Try to bang Lea Thompson without McFly getting in the way.

17 Matt Kenseth--Open bee sanctuary.

18 J.J. Yeley--Record duet with Kermit the Frog: "Its not easy being the third best driver on this team."

19 Elliott Sadler--Kick that 2-pack-a-day M&M habit.

20 Tony Stewart--Channel all rage and anger into beating the living hell out of Dan Snyder.

(part 2 tomorrow)

I Hope Pat O'Brien Quotes This

As reported by Jayski and a couple of creepy celebrity websites, Burney Lamar has married former supermodel Niki Taylor. As two, um, celebrities, they signed a detailed prenuptial agreement before tying the knot. Here's some highlights of the paperwork:

--Ms. Taylor is forbidden from shopping at Dollar General, GM Goodwrech, Shell gas stations, or Wal-Mart (unless they drop the smiley face logo).

--Mr. Lamar retains soul ownership of a residence in Concord, North Carolina. He is, however, limited to no more than three Weekends at Burney's per year.

--Any children produced from this relationship shall be given an uppity, location-based name, as per Hollywood rules. Such acceptable names include (but are not limited to) Daytona Lamar, Talladega Lamar, Infineon Lamar, and Lamar Lamar.

--Ms. Taylor is not to engage in any physical altercations with one Nicole Lunders, unless captured on film by the Nascar on Fox crew.

--Mr. Lamar is to find suitable employment within the next six months.

--As a former supermodel from the 90's, Ms. Taylor is to stay at least 200 ft. from Shane Hmiel at all times.

--Mr. Lamar is not to use the fact that Ms. Taylor once dated an Arena League football player against her at any time.

--Ms. Taylor is not to use the fact that Mr. Lamar lost a Rookie of the Year race to Danny O'Quinn and John Andretti against him at any time.

Coping with the Holidays

Earlier this year, I stumbled into this store on Cafe Press. Now, ignore for a second that a former Daytona 500 champion has the same marketing platform as ME for a second. I decided to take a look at some of these, uh, fine products, and here's what I could tell:

Large Poster: Sends a great message to your kids--work hard, catch the right break, and one day you could be stuck in a sport that passed you by a decade ago, desperately holding onto your past as it quickly slips away. Oh, and it also brightens up a room real nice.

Oval Sticker: Perfect for the Derrike Cope fan from the Outer Banks...oh sorry, I mean OBX.

Clock: "Hey, what time is it?" "Time for Derrike to get a new marketing manager."

Shirt Button: Goes great with my designs: Despain for Veep, Bobby/Naughton Jr. '08, and, of course, Ban the ButtPaste.

Magnet: The best way to secure your child's "Good Effort! B-" test score to the fridge.

Bumper Sticker: What Dale Earnhardt saw shortly after his tire shredded in 1990.

Obligatory Christmas Song Parody

A couple weeks ago we heard about Jack Roush's surprise at Mark Martin's departure from his team. Now, at the holidays, Jack's feelings really begin to show:


Ill have a blue oval without you
Ill be so blue racing without you
Testing cars down the south with our new Ford Fusion
Won't be the same Mark, and Kenseth's not much fun

And when those blue ovals start racing
Thats when those blue memories start chasing
I'll always see your face, when I hear, "Second Place"
But Ill have a blue, blue blue blue oval

I'll have a blue oval, that's certain
Its just like when we lost Jeff Burton
'Stead of insurance talk, you'll be sent to Iraq
So I'll have a blue, blown engine oval.

Happy Holidays!

Now Playing (in Virginia)...

Speed TV Talking Head: ...and while Marty Smith was arrested, he was able to slip between the metal bars to freedom. And now for a new feature on Speed: Past vs. Present. What would happen if two drivers from different eras competed against each other in a match race? In car #1 we have David Gilliland, a driver who captured the hearts of millions in the Busch Series, but has gone through trying times as of late. In car #2 we have Ricky Rudd, famous for taping his eyes open.
(shots of Ricky's car slipping past David's on the final lap)
Bill Elliott's Fast Tracks says...Rudd would be triumphant.
(cut to shot of Ricky Rudd, talking with former crew chief Fatback McSwain in the old RPM garage)
Rudd: I think there's still some cars...in the back
McSwain: What back? Mine? 'Cause I'm on Atkins...again.
Rudd: Out here.
(cut to Rudd fixing up an old orange "10" car)
Rudd: I think I wanna, you know, race--nothing big, just local stuff.
McSwain: What--you want to start ANOTHER consecutive races streak?
(cut to Ricky and Robert Yates in a restaurant)
Yates: You know, we have a sponsor in place for the 38 car. Or is it the 28? Ah, who the hell cares, I'm going chapter 11 in a week. Anyways, when David Gilliland heard that you were interested in racing again, he though, why not put something together?
Rudd: Hey, I ain't interested in getting mangled and embarrassed...again.
Yates: That computer race got a lot of people curious. AW COME ON, DON'T MAKE ME HAVE TO CALL ERNIE IRVAN!
(cut to Ricky on his palatial estate in Virginia)
Ward Burton: An it dussint mattah how it looks to utha peepull--drivahs drive. Hey, do you needa watah heatah?
(cut to Ricky on a random, non-Nascar affiliated test track)
Doug Yates: To race again, you need speed, and we don't got it. We've got Fords in our garages, so aerodynamics are out. So what WE'LL be counting on is BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA. Pretty much running like a Bodine crossed with Robby Gordon. Now lets start buildin' some hurtin' cars.
Movie Trailer Guy: The subject of the greatest Mitch Hedberg joke of all time...is back for one final year (we think). Ricky Rudd is...Ricky Balboa.
Ricky: You ain't out of the race till you get black flagged.
David Gilliland: Who said that?
Ricky: A real champion. Bill Champion.
MTG: Rated R for graphic nudity. In theaters this Boxing Day.

Winter Movie Preview (Part 2)

The hits just keep coming from Hollywood--here's some more of this winter's movies with a Nascar bent:

Freedom Writers: After a failed attempt to become a professional driver, a young man turns to sports writing. When that fails, he tries his hand at the Great American Novel. And when THAT fails, he does the only thing he knows how to do well: Write articles criticizing Nascar and its drivers!

Code Name The Cleaner: When a new janitor at RCR stumbles into a long-forgotten storage room, what does he find? That's right--Mike Skinner. Thankfully, he leaves him there.

Alpha Dog: Brian Vickers left Hendrick to be the top guy at Red Bull's Toyota team. See what happens when a 20-something man is charged with bringing success to two multi-billion dollar corporations.

Stomp the Yard: With his sponsorship from "Snapper" long gone, Armando Fitz tries to find ways to keep his grass from growing.

Fast Track: In an attempt to circumvent Nascar's age-restrictions, Roush Racing attempts to pass a 12-year-old off as 19. An early favorite for the Oscars new "Best Fake Mustache" category.

Smokin' Aces: After successfully hosting his own poker tournament last year, Michael Waltrip decides to open his own Las Vegas Casino. Problem is, the Gaughans run THIS town.

Catch and Release: Set in 2005, Ryan Newman tries to enjoy a relaxing day of fishing. But what happens when he mistakenly throws his racing talent overboard?

Winter Movie Preview

With Boxing Day fast approaching, Hollywood is putting out all its finest movies for the public. You'd be surprised how many of them are centered around Nascar. Why, just take a look:

Night at the Museum: What happens when the lights go out at the major Nascar garage showplaces across North Carolina? The cars come to life! And mostly complain about the price of gas.

We Are Marshall: When a bus load of Nascar fans en route to Bristol lose their tickets, can they convince the ticket-takers that they're the college marching band performing before the race? And if they do it, can the learn "Rocky Top" in an hour?

Children of Men: Kyle Busch and Casey Mears rebel against their stogy old owner, DEMANDING that they're allowed to stay up to watch The Daily Show.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer: After the Macy's clerk recommends Halston Z-14, Drakkar Noir, and Daytona 500: The Fragrance to the 800th person today shopping for their dad, things get out of hand.

Black Christmas: "Oh, another Dale Earnhardt Tribute Series diecast! Oh, yeah, I remember this car--he ran it for three races in 1992. I hear this is the one he ran that one time with the guy at the place--what a historic moment!"

Home of the Brave: A few brave souls come forward to talk about the personal hell of working under A.J. Foyt. Fortunately, some of them still had their hearing.

Notes on a Scandal: An intrepid Nascar reporter goes undercover to expose the real truth about Dale Earnhardt Jr.: He really likes to have fun.

Dreamgirls: Those four women from the Kasey Kahne commercials finally meet the REAL man of their dreams: Ray Evernham. Lets just say they're "In Good Hands".

"Hey, Look at Me--I'm Important!"

I hate it when people post "Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been busy" on their websites. It always strikes me as a bit presumptuous that anyone actually cares. Plus, it seems to rub it in the people's faces--"Boy, I'd love to write some more, but I have so much STUFF going on, I just don't have the time!".
Unfortunately, I have to do the same. I work retail (sorta) and this week is the busiest of the year. So I'll be writing articles like Dutch Quality Stone Racing makes races--infrequently and in a random manner--for the next week. Then I can get back to what I do best--mocking people who make 1,000 times as much money as I do.

Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been busy.

43: The Richard Petty Story: DVD Extras

As I pointed out in my previous article, I recently purchased 43: The Richard Petty Story on DVD. Despite capturing most of Richard's life story, there were some parts that seemed, well, "Hollywood". Here's what I found:

--The day he was born, I doubt that Big Bill France stepped outside his Daytona home, stared at the sunrise, and said, "I don't know why, but I feel like the world's gonna change."

--To my knowledge, an 8-year-old Richard Petty didn't enlist in the Navy, go to Japan, then beat Tojo in a match race in 1945.

--Come on: Richard Petty didn't free the slaves! Maurice Petty did!

--While I'm sure that "Young Kyle" used to go to races with his dad, I doubt that he had a foot race with "Young Davey", started losing, then pushed "Young Davey" across the finish line, knocking him unconscious in the process.

--While little is known about what Richard did in the sport's off seasons, I don't think he played football at Alabama, went to Vietnam, started a shrimping company, and banged Robin Wright Penn.

--Like, in this one scene, where, they were, like racing at Darlington in 1971, he was, like, totally running the 1970 paint scheme. Man, like, how stupid must you BE to miss that one!

--The final climactic scene, when, after winning the Winston Cup for the first time, he is carted off on a stretcher screaming "We gotta tell them: WINSTON CIGS ARE PEOPLE!", was obviously distorted. Richard's shirt was white, not beige.

43: The Richard Petty Story: A, um "Movie" Review?

You know how when you walk into Target, they have a section called The One Spot, where everything's a dollar? Well, I was checking it out the other day, and browsed the DVD section. Usually its just a bunch of public domain cartoons, but I happened to come across 43: The Richard Petty Story. I'd heard a bit about this movie, but was told it was out of print. At a dollar, I thought, what do I have to lose? Well, I watched it last night, and here's my observations:

--Richard Petty plays himself. That's right, Richard Petty--a man of zero acting experience at the time, is the star of the movie, and its NOT a documentary. It plays like one of those old Arnold Schwarzenegger movies where he's the star, he's in every scene, but he says about twenty lines throughout the movie.

--The race at the beginning of the movie is supposed to be the World 600. However, the track announcer appears to be on loan from Exposition Motor Raceway.

--There's a midget.*

--The movie touches on all of the main events in Richard's early life (his house catching on fire, his father protesting his first win, etc.), but BARELY strings them together with a plot (something about his relationship with his dad, Lee, played by the dad from A Christmas Story). Lots of action, flimsy plot, not funny: Its just like Family Guy!

--Apparently they had vinyl stickers in the 1940's.

--The movie's villain looks like Dale Earnhardt, talks like Dale Earnhardt, and drives like Dale Earnhardt--but brother, he ain't Earnhardt!

--How they included Curtis Turner getting thrown out of Nascar for trying to organize the drivers, but excluded Big Bill France's drivers' meeting with the gun in his jacket is beyond me.


Sadly, this movie still ranks as one of the best Nascar movies of all time. All in all, it past my ironclad motorsports movie test: Its better than Driven.




*So THAT'S where they got the idea to cast Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder.

The Mackler-Hendrick Connection

Back in the 1980's, Rick Hendrick was involved in some pretty shady business dealings with Honda. As he admitted in court, he bribed their execs with money and perks in order to get more of their higher-demand cars. The chickens came home to roost in 1997 when he was convicted of mail fraud. While avoiding jail time (for obvious reasons), he still had a conviction on his record.
In 2000, Rick Hendrick asked for a Presidential pardon from the outgoing Bill Clinton. Clinton gave the pardon, but only after Bank of America (then NationsBank) donated $500,000 to the Clinton Foundation. What's the big deal? Rick Hendrick was on the NationsBank board, and his good friend, NationsBank CEO Hugh McColl, was also a friend of President Clinton.
I too have a connection to Bank of America--I live across the street from their credit card customer service headquarters in Delaware, formerly the headquarters of MBNA. Most of the people in my apartment building work there, and everyone was scared to death when the MBNA-Bank of America "merger" happened.

So what's the connection between Rick and I? Well, we were both HORRIFIED that Nascar was mentioned in THIS VIDEO.

JaysList moreso

I keep finding more interesting listings on JaysList, Jayski's new Craigslist-like website. Just look at what I found under the "Housing" section:

For Sale: Nascar Garage
If you love rock-bottom prices, then you already know about Competitive Edge Motorsports, which has been selling its inventory for longer than it was actually in business. Now we're letting go of the place where the magic happened--the garage. We've put the famed garage where Mike Garvey plied his trade up for $250,000 OBO. Now, friends, insiders, and contracts might tell you that we actually leased the place, but don't let them fool you! We bought it ourselves, and now we're looking to get money for it. Please ignore the mental patient who stands outside our building--he actually thinks he's a landlord!

Housing Swap: Ford for Camry
Frustrated driver looking to flip from the Blue Oval to the new guys. Currently in a long-term contract to an old hat, but cannot stand the location anymore. Refuses to start on cold mornings, smells when the air is on, and they keep claiming I have something called "OAD". Desperately looking to get into a foreign-made car--well, not foreign made per se, but you get the idea. To sweeten the deal I'll throw in 4000 lbs. of staplers at no cost to you.

Timeshare: Make Your Nascar Dream Come True!
Have you ever wanted to become a Nascar driver? Well in 2007 you CAN with Furniture Row Motorsports! Our ingenious plan of combining sponsorship with ownership allows us to sell off seat time for cheap! Plans available for as little as $5,000 a race! As an added bonus, you'll get Kenny Wallace at no extra cost to you! Use him as you want--driving lessons, laundry, odd jobs, you name it! Remember--you can't spell "Rut" without Furniture Row!!! (Warning: due to overriding tensions between warring factions, Furniture Row is unable to hire drivers contracted to Bed Boy Records).

Housing Wanted: Housing Wanted
Beloved former Nextel Cup driver looking for a place to stay. Not desperate--if I can put up with Haas, I can put up with anything. Most of my money was spent buying up most of Southside Virginia. Now I need a place to rest to avoid suffering from exposure. Cot, old rags, dumpster, you name it, I'll take it. Payment is not available in bill-form, but I will say "Polaris" for your amusement.

JaysList continued

As I pointed out on Saturday, you can find a lot on Jayski's new website, JaysList, a version of Craigslist. Here's some listings I found under the "For Sale" heading:

500lbs of Bass
Freshly caught, large quantities of this delicious fish are for sale. Were caught on weekly excursions with our sponsor, so you know they were scaled by a pro. Need to move quickly to clear out fridge space for Budweiser. You must pick-up--when you arrive, ask for "Number One."

1993 Packard Bell Pentium 1 Computer
Fine piece of technology available for the ultra-low price of $1,200 (less than half of what we payed for it!) Have been using it to calibrate race set-ups, do payroll and type up our driver's lawsuit against Haas. Internet-ready with 28Kbp modem--a great way to find out What's Online! Need to sell to make room for new Acer Pentium 2.

Driver-Robots
17 Driver-Robots available for just $500 each. All come equipped with driving, speaking, and Packers-rooting ability. These are the "Winning Robots" models, which we are replacing with "Robots of Tomorrow" models due out in 2007. Most are missing personality-chip, but these should be easy to obtain. WARNING--robots will short-circuit around Reese's cups.

2004 Lexus--Badly Damaged
ISC is selling this 2004 Lexus 4-Door Sedan for pennies on the dollar. This was badly damaged in an accident last month, but can be fixed up with the right work (just like the Banquet). All damage is to exterior, except for cup holder next to drivers' seat, which apparently did not work before the accident. Remember, when you buy from ISC, you're buying from a fiercely-American company.

Jimmy Spencer Statue--FREE
City of Berwick, PA is giving away this lifesized granite Jimmy Spencer statue. Unable to sell at auction, town needs it removed ASAP to make room for a McDonald's. Installed in 1994, has minimal damage, though needs about 40 lbs. of concrete around mid-section to be current. Comes with detachable hairpiece.

JaysList

In November, Jayski started a brand-new offshoot of his website, JaysList, a takeoff on the popular Craigslist. While its currently still in Beta test (just like the Car of Tomorrow), I was able to find these job postings from some of Nascar's elite teams:

Crew Chief/Actor:
Brand-new Nascar team is searching for a photogenic crew chief for 2007 season. Must have previous acting experience in commercial work (both TV and Radio), as exposure will be high. Must have high tolerability for fast-food burgers, pizza, and rent-to-own franchises. Crew Chief experience a plus but not required. Please forward resume--our gigantic-haired owner will respond ASAP.

Business Opportunity:
Are you a Fortune 500 company? Are you a Fortune 5000 company? Are you a company? Advertise your firm through Nascar and get big returns! Driver is experienced, a proven winner, and VERY level-headed. Unlimited use of golf courses located throughout the American South! And piece-of-mind that comes with being associated with a military branch and a garbage disposal firm. Act fast before we Sospenzo our operations for 2007.

Driver:
Experienced Nascar team seeks driver with sponsor. Winning experience is preferred, but will train on-site if sponsor is brought. Team offers benefits, paid vacation, and flex-time, but sponsor must be present. Sponsored-drivers from all backgrounds are welcome. Interviews are being conducted round-the-clock at our headquarters--please bring resume and sponsor check. Driver must not be averse to helping us clean out piles of Tide merchandise at first, but this can be negotiated if sponsor is present. All drivers with sponsors are welcome.
WARNING--WE DO NOT ACCEPT APPLICATIONS FROM BRAD SHERMAN