John Roberts Nominated for Supreme Court

In a surprise move by President Bush, Speed Channel personality John Roberts has been nominated for the soon-to-be vacant Supreme Court position.
"I feel that John will bring the even-handed approach he's shown on Nascar This Morning to the nation's highest court" Bush explained in front of a live national tv audience. "The United States has been torn apart by partisan politics, but I believe that John's soothing monotone voice can bring us together."
Bush pointed to Roberts' mediation skills as a key factor in his appointment to the high court--specifically the cases of Waid v. Ingle and K. Wallace v. Spencer. Roberts also has shown expertise in dealing with foreign dignitaries such as Hideo Fukayama, and foreign dignitaries with no neck, such as Leigh Diffey.
Roberts would be the first Speed Channel personality to make it to the Supreme Court, but far from the first to hold public office. Dave Despain had a brief but memorable run for the Presidency in 2004. Bob Varsha served a controversial term as Secretary of Education under former President Clinton. And Leeann Tweeden served as Miss Hooters Hot Wings 1995.
Bush concluded his speech with a look ahead to Roberts' difficult approval process by the Senate: "Though the coming weeks will be tough and difficult, I will stand by John like his hair--straight, true, and unwavering."