Newman's Own

Hi, I'm Nascar driver Ryan Newman. You might have seen me in such films as "Nascar 3D: The IMAX Experience", "Alltel Ringtone Showcase of 2003", and "The Penske Training Video, v. 2.1." But most likely you know me from the track, where I burn rubber at over 180 mph. But now I'm ready to burn a searing hot hole through your hungry stomach, with Newman's Own Food Products.
Newman's Own are the only foodstuffs on the market made by me, Ryan Newman. Take our Creamy Italian salad dressing for instance--it starts off smooth, bringing you great performance from start to...start.
Or try our Malt Vinegar--it goes great on french fries*. Better yet, it works great at combating rust!
For an added kick, try my super-spicy hot sauces--they'll make your tounge roll over again and again and again and again...until you'll need a clean-up crew to put the fire out!
Most importantly, Newman's Own comes with a 100% guarentee to come in the most boring packaging imaginable! This way, you KNOW that all the money is going to charity.
So pick up some Newman's Own Food Products today--next to Bill Elliott's Awesome Pork Rinds and Jeff Burton's Colon-Blaster Laxative.

*--Only people from Maryland know the way this tastes!