From Bill Weber Industries...

as seen on a late-night commercial on your local NBC affilliate:

Hey! The Holidays are just around the corner! Struggling to find the perfect gift for that special someone in your life? Well, do we have a product for you. Introducing The Bill Weber 30-second Biography! That's right, Bill Weber, star announcer for NBC and TNT, will condense your friend or family member's life into one handy 30-second soundbite, perfect to be read over the final lap of a Nascar race! Just take a listen:
"And Sara Wilson...born in Beaverton Oregon...won the school geography bee in 5th grade...graduate from USC with a degree in marketing...once got her TV to work just by smacking it with her hand...is going to WIN her office football pool."
It even works for kids!:
"Young Scotty Ryan...worked so hard to graduate from pre-school...voted best dressed in his elementary school yearbook...had a tough time in middle school with acne, but OVERCAME it...and he's gonna WIN the homecoming court nomination."
The Bill Weber 30-second Biography, available for just four easy payments of $19.95 plus shipping, handling, and the cost of distracting Wally Dallenbach. Order it today!
(note: offer not valid to those overcoming hockey injuries)