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Real Racing...Fake News...Updated Nightly


Mitch Hedberg 1968-2005

Last night we lost a comic genius, the inspiration for countless jokes I've made.

No matter what happens, I'll always be his racecar passenger.

I'll miss you Mitch.


Grand Opening--The Outside Groove Swag Shop

It's Here!
The day is finally here--now you can help me sell out both literally AND metaphorically! CLICK HERE or the link on the right to enter The Outside Groove's swag shop. Thanks to CafePress, you can now get The Outside Groove merchandise easily...and CHEAP! T-shirts, mousepads, stickers, and more abound as I move closer towards emulating the great men who invented Nascar water and Jeff Gordon mints. Check it out today!!!

The Outside Groove Swag Shop

Tomorrow--back to non-shilling.


Hate Through the Decades

50's--I hate Tim Flock. He drives with a monkey and he wins too much.

60's--I hate Richard Petty. He cheats with his engines and he wins too much.

70's--I hate Darrell Waltrip. He never shuts up and he wins too much.

80's--I hate Dale Earnhardt. He wrecks everybody and he wins too much.

90's--I hate Jeff Gordon. He's a pretty boy and he wins too much.

00's--I hate Dale Earnhardt Jr. He's on all the commercials and he wins too much (excludes 2005).

10's--I hate Reed Sorensen. He has too much help from Honda and he wins too much.

20's--I hate GordonClone v. 2.4. He always uses his rocket booster at Tokyo Speedway and he wins too much.

30's--I hate Glaxnor of Jupiter. He vaporized my favorite driver and he wins too much.

Tomorrow, Its Here!


Nascar Fan March Madness--Quarterfinal Results

It was another hard-fought weekend, with four tough fan groups emerging to the Final Four. Here's the action from Easter Weekend:

(Winners in bold, numbers denote completely unscientific seedings)

1. The Working Fan vs. 8. The Wanderer--What an upset! The Working Fan just looked worn out from so many weeks on the road, allowing a somber Wanderer to coast to victory. The Wanderer's amazing journey continues despite the haunting memory of Mike Skinner.

2. Old School vs. 7. The Diehard--These old rivals fought tooth and denture for every point, but it was Old School's knowledge that eeked out The Diehard's devotion. However, Old School still won't stop complaining about how The Outside Groove has ruined Nascar.

3. New School vs. 6. The Real Racer--In the weekend's only overtime game, New School's vast monetary supplies simply wore down the experience of The Real Racer. TRR is expected to bounce back quickly, however, with a race at I-85 Speedway on Saturday.

13. The Snoozer vs. 12. The Arteest--In a matchup of two cinderellas, The Arteest (known to the fans as the "Dateless Wonders") caught The Snoozer, well, sleeping. The Arteest pumped out enough material from this game to last three weeks, while The Snoozer simply rolled over.

8. The Wanderer vs. 12. The Arteest

2. Old School vs. 3. New School

In 2 Days...Its Here


Why Nascar is better than the NFL

"We now go live to Nascar President Mike Helton with the pick"

"With the first pick in the 2005 Nascar Amateur Draft, Kirk Shelmerdine Racing Selects Reed Sorensen, Nascar Busch Series."

"Well no surprise there guys, Sorensen with his recent win at Nashville was high on many teams lists, Kirk's gotta be happy with the floor with Kirk."

"Man, this...this is a dream come true. To have a driver of Reed's caliber available, I really think that its just what this team needs to improve. Reed's gonna take this team into the top 35, that's for sure!"

"And now to Reed Sorensen from his home in Mooresville."


In 3 Days...Its here


What Happens when Jayski runs out of News?

Junior to Burger King? Update 3 Yep Hearing that Dale Earnhardt Jr. will be going to the East Mooresville Burger King later today for lunch. No word on if Michael Waltrip is going too. (3-26-05)
UPDATE 1: Now hearing it might be the Concord Wendy's instead. (3-26-05)
UPDATE 2: ITS OFFICIAL: Dale Earnhardt Jr. spent his Saturday, March 26th lunch hour at the East Moorseville Burger King. Junior entered approximately 11:45am, then ordered a double cheeseburger combo with bacon and a Sprite. Shortly before paying he added a 5-piece chicken tenders (a Jayski fave!) to his order. Junior then signed a few autographs while waiting for his food. Upon reception of said food, he left, presumably to eat it at his raceshop.
UPDATE 3: Hearing it was a Dr. Pepper, not a Sprite. (3-26-05)


SPECIAL Busch Series Nashville “News” and Notes

With another off week in the offing, The Outside Groove takes a look at the upcoming Busch race:
--Jason Keller has yet to mention that his sponsor (McDonalds) was once run by his owner, Sam Rensi. Cronyism—I’m Lovin’ It!
--Easter has traditionally meant a day off in Nextel Cup. Passover has traditionally referred to what Nascar inspectors do when Dale Earnhardt Jr. goes through inpection.
--Stand alone Busch races tend to get less attention, unless they’re held on off-weekends for Nextel Cup. This is why you’ll spend your Saturday night in watching Mark Green smack the wall.
--In compliance with FCC regulations, Shane Hmiel’s scanner frequency will be restricted to those over 21 years of age.
--The remaining 14 Tennessee Titans are expected to act as grand marshals for the race.
1:2 While waiting in line at a restaurant on Sunday, you’ll think back on this race and wonder, “How the HELL does Tim Fedewa keep his job?”
4:1 Kenny Wallace will slip-up and refer to Stacker 2 by its developmental name, Crap.
40:1 Paul Menard will have the same logo on the hood that he had last week.


Where does the money go?

Another look where the sponsorship dollars for your favorite drivers is spent.

This Week: Kasey Kahne

28%--Research & Development for pill that prevents Sophmore Slump.

4%--Disposal of misspelled t-shirts for Casey Cain.

18%--Developmental costs for new TV Series: Tyler Walker, Texas Ranger.

31%--Understanding how a minor change to the nose of the '05 Dodge has already sunk their season.

9%--UAW "protection" money.

10%--Hospital visit after ingesting Mountain Dew and Bill Elliott's Awesome Pork Rinds in the same sitting.


Kurt Busch to run Yakov Smirnoff Special Paint Scheme

In the latest attempt to cross brand Nascar with irrelevant pop-culture, Roush Racing has announced that, in conjunction with new sponsor Smirnoff Ice, Kurt Busch will run a Yakov Smirnoff paint scheme this Spring at Richmond.
"We're all delighted to have a comedian of Yakov's caliber on board with the team" explained Roush poobah Jack Roush. He went on to explain "See...he's the caliber of the team...he's a team caliber! You'd better capitalize that!"
Smirnoff, one of America's most "successful" comedians in the late-80's, joins such entertainers as KISS, Charlie Daniels, and Woody Woodpecker to adorn the hoods of Nascar racecars. All produced diecast car sales in the tens of dollars for their efforts.
Mr. Smirnoff, who is expected to attend the race if he can scalp a ticket, took up the bulk of the press conference with his comedy. "In America, you race car--in Russia, car races YOU! In America you chase Cup. In Russia, Cup chases YOU! What a country!"
Kurt Busch was unavailable for comment, mostly because no one cares what he has to say.

One Year Ago We Lost Him, But His Spirit Lives Forever
Silvio Olivieri, 1984 - 2004
--"It's the careful"


From Junior to Hmiel

If you've been watching NBS 24/7, you've probably seen Dale Earnhardt Jr. giving advice to friend/corporate cronie Shane Hmiel. Here's some of the best tidbits they left out.

On Talladega:
"You gotta make sure to stay in line, or you'll get sucked to the back. Also, remeber to hit the DEI turbo button if you get in trouble."

On Teammates:
"Now, you're a...wait hold on...Hello? Damnit Mike, I TOLD you to stop calling me. No. NO! Alright I'll do your stupid Best Western ad if it'll shut you up."

On Michigan:
"This track's incredibly boring, so you might want to bring a portable dvd player with you. This way, if you win, Action can make a special raced version, and you'll have a story to tell on QVC."

On Fan Relations:
"Remember to pay her more than she asks for--you don't want a "Kobe" situation going on. Oh, and if it itches, see a doctor*"

On WinFuel:
"Have you tried it yet? No? Good--I drank some last week and I haven't been out of the can since."

On the Political Strife in Krygyzstan:
"It seems to be an open-and-shut case--those who vote in rigged elections are never in a true democracy. Alas, one has to wonder if a nation which allows for such corruption to occur is truly able to handle the government of a standard republic. OK, lets go drinkin, I'm buyin."

*--This joke provided by my mom


Nascar Fan March Madness--First Round Results

After a week of exciting action, only 8 fan groups remain. Lets see the results of the weekend's games, plus a preview of the upcoming quarterfinals.
(Don't know what the hell this is? Click Here to find out!)
(Winners in bold, numbers denote completely unscientific seedings)
1. The Working Fan vs. 16. That Annoying Local-Track Guy--This one was over before it started. While The Working Fan...went to work, That Annoying Local-Track Guy just praddled on about his trip to Eldora. Another romp for a number one seed.

2. Old School vs. 15. The Vengeful Mechanic--Another blowout, with Old School's impressive knowledge (and program collection) overwhelming The Vengeful Mechanic's jealousy of Jack Roush. Even TVM's best friend, the Snap-On Man, couldn't help him here.

3. New School vs. 14. The Bored Girlfriend--Closer than anyone expected, New School nearly gave into The Bored Girlfriend's complaints. Then he turned up the volume, and she just faded away.

4. The Stereotype vs. 13. The Snoozer--The day's first upset, but also the most boring game. The Stereotype made so many bad moves, Snoozer was able to cruise to victory.

5. The Nerd vs. 12. The Arteest--Whatta game! So evenly matched, you'd think they were one in the same. However, Arteest's creativity got him out of a jam to win in overtime. Still dateless.

6. The Real Racer vs. 11. The Hater--An emotionally charged game, with The Real Racer clearly the crowd favorite. Not surprisingly, The Hater ran out of steam and sulked off to complain about the NBA.

7. The Diehard vs. 10. Sir Likes-a-lot--An emotional overtime victory for The Diehard, who won in a Nascar related event for the first time in over a decade. Likes-a-lot, not surprisingly, was rooting for The Diehard to win.

8. The Wanderer vs. 9. Mr. Spread-too-thin--(NOTE: Won by forfeit) As of presstime, its still unknown where Spread-too-thin was, though he was spotted Sunday at some other tournament. The Wanderer took the unexpected time off to dust his diecast collection, in an endless search for imperfections.

1. The Working Fan vs. 8. The Wanderer

2. Old School vs. 7. The Diehard

3. New School vs. 6. The Real Racer

13. The Snoozer vs. 12. The Arteest


Beyond Thirty Five

#91-Bill Elliott (finished 22nd)--As awesome as pork rinds.

#11-Jason Leffler (25th)--Showing the way to mediocraty!

#50-Jimmy Spencer (29th)--Guessing that he WILL forget this finish.

#37-Kevin Lepage (30th)--First the Catamounts, then Kevin makes the top 35--ain't Vermont great?

#7-Robby Gordon (34th)--Guys on his team might want to start updating their resumes.

#4-Mike Wallace (40th)--Is there a more boring team?

#75-Mike Garvey (41st)--Who IS this?!?

#08-Shane Hmiel (43st)--All about winning? Yeah right.


Atlanta “News” and Notes

--After last week’s scourge of cheating, Nascar put its metaphorical foot down and sent a message to all the drivers—if you cheat, we’ll go easy on you.
--Bill Elliott returns to the track this week with a Visteon sponsored car. Visteon, of course, is the world’s largest producer of Visteons.
--After a brief west-coast swing, Nascar returns to its roots in the Southeast this week. No, not at North Wilkesboro, silly—that would actually be EXCITING! Nascar doesn’t want that!
--The first three Cup races (plus the Mexico Busch Race) were run under the “Nascar Acceleration” banner. Starting this week, Nascar unveils its next marketing slogan: “Killing time till Charlotte”.
--Ward Burton visited Atlanta on Friday, saying “hello” to his old friends. Most of them responded with “you should’ve taken the Hendrick ride”.
2:1—You’ll avoid all contact with the NCAA Tournament, your bracket in shambles.
4:1—Chris Meyers will refer to the cheating incidents at Las Vegas as “March Madness”.
10:1—Kenny Wallace will point out that the Final Four is in his hometown of St. Louis, then give an awkward impression of Nelly…again.


The 10 Worst Ideas in Nascar of the Past 16 Years

Part II

The Hot-lanta preview is tomorrow this week

5. Commercials with freakin' NHRA drivers in them--You don't see it too much anymore, but there was a period in the early 90's when John Force and Larry Dixon were appearing during races. This would be like Zidane Zidane showing up in a commercial during an NFL game.

4. The Nascar Awards Banquet--Went from an understated cap to the season to an overproduced extra. Jay Mohr was an improvement, but this would work better as a 60 second show.

3. The 1.5 Mile Track Template--"Hey, you know the most boring type of track we have? Let's copy it all over the country!"

2. Calls, Calls, Calls! (unofficially, of course)--The rumors of drivers getting "the call" are arguably more annoying than their supposed existence. From Dale Sr.'s illegal engine at the '98 Daytona 500 to Sterling's win for Dodge to every time a debris caution comes out "for Junior", it just adds more fuel to the flame.

1. "Nascar's Night in Hollywood"--This ghastly show was a part of Nacar's 50th anniversary. Quite possibly the scariest thing I've ever seen on TV, it included such horrible sights as Benny Parsons singing, Kenny Mayne melting down as the teleprompter broke, and Morgan Shepherd on roller skates. Shudder.


The 10 Worst Ideas in Nascar of the Past 16 Years


Fresh off a night of watching ESPN Classic, here's another chance to rip off the 4 letter word—the worst things Nascar has presented to us over the past 16 years. Note that no drivers are included, as making fun of drivers is something only a vengeful nerd like me would do. Oh, and why 16 years? It's the Morgan Shepherd Era…DUH!

10. Nascar Illustrated--If Nascar Scene is the Washington Post of the sport, then Nascar Illustrated is the Washington Times--its there, it has some good stuff, but on the whole, its just taking up space. Bonus points for updates on races that happened 4 weeks ago.

9. The Busch Clash/Budweiser Shootout/Bud Shootout--Besides money, there's not much of a reason for this race to exist. I wish they'd tell the truth, but I don't think we're gonna see the Bud Glorified Testing Session very soon.

8. Lame Nascar Humor Websites--They're so whiny and derivative--and talk about repetitive! At least the writers are attractive.

7. ESPN and Nascar team up to bring us…Craig T. Nelson?--For Nascar's 50 year anniversary (aka The Cash Grab) ESPN did a nice series of documentaries on the sport's history. However, they were ALL narrated by TV's Coach, Craig T. Nelson, who last time I checked had NOTHING to do with Nascar.

6. "Pit Bull"--As annoying as the 90 minute Inside Nextel Cup is, I'd still take it over 4 non-drivers complaining about why the sport is so successful.

Tomorrow--the top 5


Where Does the Money Go?

A look at where all that sponsorship money goes for your favorite drivers.
Done in the most random order imaginable

Rusty Wallace—Miller Lite

24%--Promotional items for the Rusty Wallace Retirement Fund Tour (name changed to Rusty’s Last Call).

17%--Construction costs of concrete wall erected between Ryan’s and Rusty’s garages.

18%--“Hush money” to the Nascar media—didn’t you ever wonder why no one makes “Rusty races like his number—number 2” jokes? (btw guys, my check is due on Wednesday).

7%--Low-interest loan to Kenny Wallace to pay Stacker 2 to stay on the car.

20%--Lawsuit payment for false advertising claims (namely, claiming that Miller Lite is beer).

11%--Funding for “Search for the lost Wallace Brother” movie.

19%--Michael Jackson-esque money to pay announcers to refer to him as “King of the Short Tracks”.

2%--Qualifying improvement fund.

8%--Fine paid by Rusty for mistakenly using a U-Haul truck to move to the new garage.

A quick explanation of last night's article (the post below this one)

Last night I went back to College Park to visit my sister and see my favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg. As a result I posted the aformentioned article last night--tired, filled with Mitch's jokes, and a bit queasy from Chipotle. Take it with a big 'ol grain of salt, and keep in mind that the upcoming posts won't be so last minute and half-baked.

(I have a buncha great articles about how Michael Waltrip has funny hair! Isn't that hilarious!)


Cole Trickle Announces Retirement

After a nearly 15 year career, Mello Yello driver Cole Trickle announced his retirement at the end of the 2005 season.
"We had a great run—we won some races, even the Daytona 500. But in the end, we just feel that the time is right."
Trickle (no relation to gazillion race winner Dick Trickle) became an overnight sensation with his come from behind win in the 1991 Daytona 500. Since then, he has seen mixed success in a career with equal parts highs and lows.
"Harry (crew chief Harry Hogge) and I have stuck together through thick and thin—losing Superflo as a sponsor, my relationship with that Australian brain surgeon, even my firing from that car dealer that looked like Randy Quaid. Overall, I'm proud of what we've done."
Trickle's team has unveiled a "Trickling Towards the Finish"retirement tour marketing promotion. Trickle remained non-committalas to whether there would be a sequel in 2006.


Beyond Thirty Five

From Vegas, how the drivers from outside the top 35 in points fared:

#11-Jason Leffler (Finished 22nd)--not surprisingly, his memorabilia costs about 20% more than Dale Jarrett's stuff.
#4-Mike Wallace (24th)--Guys, you got Lucas for the whole season--try making the car look less like they're only there for the week!
#14-John Andretti (28th)--The A+ must be for effort.
#73-Eric McClure (32nd)--How does an Eric McClure story make it to Jayski each week?
#66-Hermie Sadler (33rd)--He's made a race--the first of 309 steps to respectability.
#34-Randy LaJoie (36th)--Good thing he turned down all those Cup rides in the 90's.
#7-Robby Gordon (39th)--Must be using the same engines the old Chevy Vega models used.
#89-Morgan Shepherd (40th)--Of all the people to feud with, WHY Robin Leach?


Nascar Fan March Madness Tournament

What type of fan are YOU? More importantly, which of the following 16 fans will come out on top after four weeks of grueling competition? Stay tuned! (Or, I guess, online).

(Numbers show everyone's seeding, first round matchups are paired together).

1. The Working Fan—gets the top seed for actually WORKING in Nascar. This guy is living out his dream in the pits, the pr department, or even as a janitor. Not surprisingly, all his friends from home hate him.
16. That Annoying Local-Track Guy—cousin of “that guy who says minor league baseball is more fun”, he can’t stop telling you how much better Sprint Car, Late Model, or Modified racing is. No one dares mention that he really can’t afford a better ticket.

2. Old School—a walking font of knowledge, he’s been following the sport since the 70’s. He’s rooted for the Allisons, the Pettys, even the Bouchards, and has the programs to prove it. Missed the top seed due to chronic whining.
15. The Vengeful Mechanic—hates the drivers, who he says “sold out”. Secretly wishes it was him in the pit box, but lives out his dreams every Sunday…seething.

3. New School—she might not go as far back as her arch-rival, Old School, but she’s at every race she can make it to. Moreover, she never misses a race on tv, and Jayski’s her homepage at work. A definite threat for the title.
14. The Bored Girlfriend—she’s wondering how she was dragged here, and hopes that her boyfriend remembers that she gets a day with him at the antiques show as repayment. Quite possibly the most unstable team here.

4. The Stereotype—a former champ who’s fallen on hard times, this Junior fan personifies everything Nascar stood for in 1988. He loves his beer, hates Jeff Gordon, and yells profusely at races. Hasn’t spend money on the sport since Johnny Benson was a young gun.
13. The Snoozer—takes the term “sleeper pick” to a new level. Can’t go to a race, because he hasn’t made it through one at home without dozing off.

5. The Nerd—don’t let his small stature fool you—this dude knows more about rumors than Fleetwood Mac. He’s thinking five weeks ahead, trolls message boards for info, and never saw a prospect he didn’t critique. Never been to a race, however (can’t get his e-girlfriend to go).
12. The Arteest—took his love of Nascar and turned it into a non-profitable business—comics, online blogs, even poorly-written parody sites. It is unwise to rile these folks, but a good idea to date ‘em.

6. The Real Racer—you can see him at your local track, tearing it up with his friends. Sure, he might miss a Nextel Cup race or two, but this guy does it for real. But for much, much, much, MUCH less money.
11. The Hater—this is the guy in the bar who complains about EVERYONE. He can’t be positive, and doesn’t get beat up because he has a lawyer on retainer. Related to the guys who heckle little leaguers.

7. The Diehard—he’s stuck with Kyle Petty (or Schrader, or Kenny Wallace, or etc.) since the 90’s, and isn’t looking to change anytime soon. He’ll root for his favorite driver even though he can’t find his stuff in the Nascar stores. Wish he’d stop sobbing though after every DNQ.
10. Sir Likes-a-lot—she’s never met a driver she didn’t like! Some see her as sweet, others call her a front runner. Her lack of direction cost her a higher seed, but she’s primed for an upset.

8. The Wanderer—a few years ago he was Dale Earnhardt all the way. But he can’t bring himself to root for Junior, and Michael Waltrip annoys him. He’s awash in a sea of red.
9. Mr. Spread-too-thin—Nascar’s just one of the many sports this dude follows. He squeezes in a few laps around the NFL, College Basketball, and a bit of golf as well. Don’t be surprised if this fan weighs in at over 300 pounds.


Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Theater Presentation

Last week Fox showed the culture and flavor of Mexico by playing music by Richie Valens (Labamba) and Los Loney Boys (that song that sounds like 311 did it). Too bad those guys are all from LA. Let's hope they do better this week--I've given them a head start with a song by The King:

(no, not Richard Petty)

(no, not Jerry Lawler)

Cookie-cutter track gonna set my brain
Gonna set brain to sleep
Gambled ‘way my tickets at Bally’s last night
Jumped the wall—man it was steep
Went out last night, had my jacket in style
Everyone’s a relative of Kurt or Kyle
Seems like every track is now a 1.5 mile
Viva las vegas, viva las vegas

Headed out last night in my rental car
Tried to have myself some fun
Got a little work in an acting thing
Extra on Reno 911!
Robby Gordon’s pimping for Harrah’s this week
Seems like every week he’s got a scheme that’s unique
A 27th finish man for him that’s the peak
Viva las vegas, viva las vegas
Viva, viva las vegas


Las Vegas “News” and Notes

--This week’s race should have everyone asking the same question: “Wait a minute, WHY was this in the No Bull 5?”
--The gigantic cookie cutter used to build Las Vegas Motor Speedway will be on display at Bally’s Saturday Night from 6-9pm.
--This could be many Nascar fans’ only chance to meet Mike Smith of StockCar Toons. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.
--James Ince must’ve come to his senses.
--Remember—what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas if you pay the groupie off.
3:2 Someone will refer to this week as “the REAL start to the season”.
7:1 Jeff Hammond will read from his notes again about Clint…Bowyer.
40:1 You’ll stay awake throughout the entire race.


Millionaire's Unemployment Outrages Fans

Forming a staunch, unified voice against the status quo, Nascar fans have decided to stand up for former Nextel Cup driver Ward Burton. As far as they're concerned, one unemployed millionaire is one unemployed millionaire too many.
"We can't believe that Nascar's owners would just throw aside a wealty man like Ward", explained longtime Nascar fan Scott Wilson. "Ward only knows how to do one thing--race. Without that, he has nothing else to do besides host his television show, work on preservation of wilderness in Virginia, and other interests. He'll die without what he was paid so well to do!"
Millions of fans have mailed letters to Burton's former owner, sponsor, and his replacement, Mike Bliss, who is currently under 24 hour protection.
"We don't advocate violence by any means", Wilson said, "But come hell or high water, we WILL get that rich Southerner back where he belongs--in a mid-range single car ride!"
Under a proposal being circulated on the internet, Nascar would be forced to implement a 40-year-old age limit, and be barred from firing any driver who is not a member of the Green family. It is unknown if Nascar poobah Mike Helton has read the proposal.
When asked for comment, Burton replied in a comical accent that was instantly lampooned by those who were made fun of in high school.


Son of Headlines from Hell

--France Family, Nation of France Merge

--"Toyota Isn't American" Proclaims Dodge Prez Deiter Zetsche

--Truck Series Shortens Sked, now Racing 3 Times in First 5 Months

--Kurt Busch Runs Yakof Smirnof Special Paint Scheme

--TrackLaughs Does Iroc/Iraq Joke

--Mike Wallace, Mike Wallace Swap Jobs

--Tony Stewart Granted Restraining Order Against World

--Shocking Find: WinFuel's Only 68% About Winning!

--Rusty Wallace Refers to Retirement as "The High Life"

--Martin Truex Jr. really IS Mark Martin in a Mask

and finally...
--Inside Nextel Cup Expands to 7 Hour Shows


Da Ali G Show—The Nascar Episode PART II

Ali G: Now me audience back in the UK might not know that you comes from a famous family.
Dale: Yes, yes.
Ali G: So, like, what’s it like to be the grandson of Amelia Earnhardt?
Dale: No, that’s Amelia Earhardt. We’re not related.
Ali G: No, it says here (shows notes) that you’s her grandson.
Dale: No that’s not true. I know who my grandma is, and she wasn’t a pilot.
Ali G: But eyes like got dis on the internet, its like true if its in black and white.
Dale: (Looking uncomfortable) Whatever.

Ali G: Here me now, big ups to me main man mister Dave Earnhardt, he gets the fly honeyz and the best wheels and a lifetime supply of suds.
Dale: Thanks
Ali G: Booyakasha.

(The end of show rap)
Ali G: Hit itDale: My name is Dale
And I’m here to say
Driving drunk
Ain’t A-OK
You can get real hurt
And lose your ride
So hear me now
And take my side


Da Ali G Show—The Nascar Episode

If there’s 20 things I like(other than Nascar), one of them is Da Ali G Show. Its Sasha Baron Cohen’s bizarre interview show where he appears as Ali G, a wanna be rapper from England who snags interviews with America’s elite. We all know that “fan fictions” are the easiest way for a writer to get noticed/get ideas. So, here it goes!

WARNING: Non-Ali-G fans should probably take the next two days off and go have a snowball fight—this won’t make much sense.

(Opening—in the Ali G studios)
Ali G: Booyakasha. Eyes here to tell y’alls today about da ting in America da most mens like to watch—dat be the fine honeyz. Howefah, da laws stop me from talkin’ to most of ‘em inside of 100 meters, so I had to do the next favorite ting for men to watch—cars goin’ round on tracks. Respek.
(Switch to a race shop in Mooresville)
Ali G: Aiiiiight. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Eyes here wif me main man, mister Dave Earnhardt Junior.
Dale: Great to be here.
Ali G: Now, we alls know dat dare’s a famous sayin dat goes “rubbin’s racin’”. But check dis out—me was wif me Julie, an’ she said I couldn’t rub her until 30 minutes into the movie.
Dale: Uh, I think that’s a different type of racing.
Ali G: Aiiight.

Ali G: Now Dave, you’re spencered by a beer company, right?Dale: Yeah, Budweiser.
Ali G: Much respek (bumps fists with Dale). But check dis, eyes all for gettin’ smashed, but dis one time eye was drinkin’ a forty in me car in Staines, and da cops gave me like 50 hours community service.
Dale: Yeah, driving drunk is something I don’t condone.
Ali G: Aiiight, but like, how does you get away wif it?
(tomorrow—Part II)


Contest--Design The Outside Groove's car!

Unlike...everyone else, I am not into sim racing. My interest in video games stopped with Bill Elliott's Fasttracks on my Gameboy. However, I've seen lots of super looking custom cars going around the internet. Well, I'd love to have a car for The Outside Groove to put on the site.
This is where YOU come in.
The contest is to design the best car for the site. Feel free to make up your own logo, text, whatever--be creative! And any format's cool--from 3d-esque stuff to something scribbled on a piece of paper. Send 'em in to my email address ( and anyone who enters will get a FREE Gmail invite. Get 'em in by Monday, March 14th, and I'll post the best ones on the site. The winner will also get an article about the whole experience.


Lost in Translation

Can Nascar truly succeed in Mexico, Canada’s crazy cousin? Well, to see how well American sports translate into Mexican culture, the good folks at Babel Fish have translated the first paragraph of text into Spanish. Then, that 2nd paragraph of Spanish is translated BACK to English (the 3rd paragraph) to see how well we Americans will understand the newer, spicier, Nascar Busch Series.

This week is the first time that a major stock car series runs south of the border. The race will be shown on national television and is seen by many as a lucrative experiment. It was hard to get all the teams down in time, but the money should make it worthwhile. Some drivers might complain about the track being a road course, but hey—it gives them more experience for the Glen.

Esta semana es la primera vez que una serie común importante del coche funciona el sur de la frontera. La raza será demostrada en la televisión nacional y es considerada por muchos como experimento lucrativo. Era duro conseguir a todos los equipos abajo en tiempo, pero el dinero debe hacerlo de mérito. Algunos conductores pudieron quejarse por la pista que era un curso del camino, pero hey- les da más experiencia para la cañada.

Back to English:
This week is the first time that an important common series of the car works the south of the border. The race will be demonstrated in the national television and is considered by many like lucrative experiment. It was hard to obtain down to all the equipment in time, but the money must do it of merit. Some conductors could complain about the track that was a course of the way, but hey- gives more experience them for the gorge.


SPECIAL EDITION--Mexico “News” and Notes

--Nascar heads South of the Border for the first time ever, not including the France family’s visit to the South Carolina fireworks mecca in ’81
--This week’s hottest selling item? “I race like Chit” t-shirts that, until now, had been lying fallow in a Monterrey warehouse for 10 years.
--Several Mexican drivers, such as Adrian Fernandez and Michel Jourdain, are entered in the race for the hundreds of thousands of Mexicans in attendance. In addition, Ron Fellows is entered in the race for the 3 Canadians in attendance.
--Miss Winston? Caliente. Most of the drivers’ wives? Muy Caliente. The Mexican soap opera stars I hope will be at the race? Ai yi yi!
--It would be easy to make a bunch of low-brow jokes about typical Mexican stereotypes. However, we at The Outside Groove are mindful of such sensitive issues (stop laughing) and instead will hit the hard-hitting subjects—those no good Argentineans!
2:1 Felix Sabates will answer a question with, “For the last time, I’m CUBAN, NOT MEXICAN!”
10:1 Someone will get a cheese quesadilla in Mexico City and consider it “authentic Mexican cuisine”
50:1 Kenny Wallace will figure out why everyone keeps calling him “El Loco”.


The Casting Couch—NBS 24/7 The Movie

The Casting Couch—NBS 24/7 The Movie
Following in the footsteps of Spongebob and the X-Files, Speed just might be taking their cult hit to the big screen. While producers try to figure out what WinFuel is, here’s the frontrunners for the starring roles in the film:

David Stremme: Ryan Seacrest (unsure how he got the job, short, primped hair)

Tim Fedewa: Christopher Walken (seen-it-all perspective, slicked back hair, vaguely creepy)

Shane Hmeil: Eminem (bad-boy look, style, and record)

Armando Fitz: Vince McMahon (ripped look, unsuccessful football background, owes people money)

Terry Bradshaw: Patrick Stewart (he’s got the look)

Todd Braun: Dennis Quaid (or, if it’s a comedy, Randy Quaid)

Todd Lohnse: John Daly (the boy needs work)

Steve Plattenberger: Donnie Neuenberger (mmm…Double Burger)


Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Theater Presentation

And now, a look at a Nascar-ized version of a song by those sarcastic rock boys, The Offspring.

You gotta keep them separated...

Like the latest fashion
Like a spreading disease
Two grown men can’t communicate fairly
Only thing is common is ol’ Roger Penske

The fans and the families drew a line in the sand
The media loves it ‘cause drama’s in demand

If we have a repeat of 2004
They're gonna bash it up, bash it up, bash it up, bash it up...

- Hey -, Rusty’s talkin' back to me! - No we aren’t-
You gotta keep them separated
- Hey -, Ryan’s disrespecting me! - No we aren’t! -
You gotta keep them separated

They call it a buncha bull
But the man in the middle is rookie Travis Kvapil
Hey, just go and race

Nobody’s really too right here
But neither say that they’re wrong
They say that they can work right through the dysfunction
But that’s the reason why Brendan is Gone

This is worse than Mayfield in two thousand and one
Rusty won’t admit
His career’s almost done

And Ryan’s guys are tired of being all the brains
They wanna beat up all the 2’s, beat up all the 2’s, beat up those

- Hey -, Rusty’s talkin' back to me! - No we aren’t-
You gotta keep them separated
- Hey -, Ryan’s disrespecting me! - No we aren’t! -
You gotta keep them separated

They call it a buncha bull
But the man in the middle is rookie Travis Kvapil
Hey, just go and race


Fake ID Costs Kyle Busch Bud Pole Award

In a reversal of an earlier decision, Nascar president Mike Helton has stripped Kyle Busch of his Bud Pole Award, in turn barring him from the 2006 Budweiser Shootout. The reason given by Helton was Busch's use of a fake ID.
"Kyle had told us that he'd turned 21 just before Daytona" Helton explained in a news conferenc earlier today. "After we saw that he was listed as 19 in our Nascar Media Guides, however, we took a closer look."
Helton continued, "Upon closer inspection we found several signs that the ID was phony. It was missing the holographic signiature that most drivers licenses must have. It listed his home state as 'Lasvegasia' which we found out, after consulting a map, does not exist. Finally, if this even was a real state, we'd doubt that the governor would be named 'Ida Lethimrace'".
Busch, a contender for the Rookie of the Year, was not available for comment, as he had been grounded for 2 weeks by Rick Hendrick. Busch's older brother Kurt, however, did issue a brief statement:
"Obviously my brother made an error in judgement. I'm just glad that he didn't try to buy any of my t-shirts."