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Martinsville "News" and Notes

Kevin "Bono" Manion was caught on air last week cursing after his driver, Martin Truex Jr., wrecked. No word on whether or not Dale "The Edge" Earnhardt Jr. was involved.

Speed reporter Steve Byrnes is out this week with an eye infection, currently being treated by his doctor, Jerry Petty. How many Petty's are there? Or is that Petties?

Crewchief Butch Hylton, formerly of FitzBradshaw racing, has resigned his position. Yes, this is the 14th time this has happened--one more, and Armando gets free accounting services for a whole month!

Sadly, a driver named Cale Gale has been discovered. Cale Gale--apparently "Chase Race" was already taken.

Surprisingly, ratings for Bristol were down from last year. Guess that Full House marathon on TV Land took its toll (I mean, who CAN resist John Stamos?)

1:2 An announcer will refer to Martinsville as "two drag strips connected by two hairpin turns".
4:1 Mike Skinner will skip the race.
100:1 Anyone will care that Mike Skinner will skip the race.


Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005

One year ago, we lost the greatest comedian I have EVER seen, Mitch Hedberg. I'll always remember him...

I want to be a race car passenger--just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."

I'll always be your racecar passenger, Mitch.


More on Mitch


Nascar's OTHER Morgan

Sports Illustrated has recently come out with a stunning piece of investigative reporting--Yes, popular actor Morgan Freeman is a Nascar fan. However, if you've studied his career, its easy to see his racing obsession show up in his movies. Just take a look:

Lean on Me: During the climactic scene outside the prison, Freeman's character gives a stirring speech to his students about the evils of bias-ply tires.

Driving Miss Daisy: Jessica Tandy's character, after years of bitterness, finally allows Freeman's character to listen to MRN (but not PRN, oddly enough).

Robin Hood--Prince of Thieves: Freeman's character continually refers to Friar Tuck as "Mr. Excitement".

The Shawshank Redemption: Andy Dufrane locks himself in the warden's office to play a song for Freeman's character--Oh King Richard by Kyle Petty.

Se7en: Freeman's character uncovers evidence that all of the seven deadly sins involve racing anywhere near Robby Gordon.

Bruce Almighty: Freeman, as God, gives Jim Carrey's character all of his powers, except one--his tickets to Bristol.

Million Dollar Baby: Eddie "Scrap Iron" DuPris (Freeman), steps in to teach Jeff Gordon how to box (don't push him, that's a 2 point deduction, not to mention a $10,000 fine).


The Truex Story

Are you frustrated? Unable to deal with confrontation? Worried that people are taking advantage of your easy-going nature? Well, now you can do something about it with the patented Martin Truex Jr. System of Getting Even! Annointed Nascar Superstar Martin Truex Jr. will show YOU how to exact frivolous revenge on those who have accidently done you wrong. You can use it anywhere, like... the supermarket!
"I saw you take the last box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Well now that you're behind me to check out, I'm going to pay with a check...and not be able to find my license!" the drive-thru!
"Cut me off, will ya? Well, you'd better be ready to wait in line, because I'm going to place a special order--NO ONIONS!" the bank!
"Use up the pen? Good for you--now you get to watch me deposit 7 bags of pennies...unrolled!

Yes, this tape will show you how to infuriate others by doing things really, really slow, holding them up in the process. Remember, just because you're out of the running, DOESN'T mean that you can't get justice! Call now and get a free audio encouragement tape from Bono Manion!

"This tape gets results" --Fred McGriff*

The Martin Truex Jr. System of Getting Even--Revenge is a dish best served WRECKED! (Not for use with Tony Stewart).

*Alas, this tape did not produce Back-to-Back-to-Back AAU National Champions


Jeff Gordon: Real American

A reader (thanks jC!) left this message in response to my article yesterday--what Jeff Gordon said to Matt Kenseth when he pushed him:

"Whatcha gonna do when Gordomania runs wild on you!"


(Scene--Martinsville during Happy Hour practice. Mike Joy's discussing last week's altercation)

Mike Joy: And for MORE on last week's incident between Gordon and Kenseth, lets go down to the pits with Mean Gene Berggren

Berggren: Jeff, we all saw what happened last week, Kenseth spinning you out on the last lap, then you LASHING OUT after the race. What do you have to say to Kenseth this week?

Gordon: Let me tell you something Mean the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, he created the Gordon-maniacs, he created the 24-car pythons BROTHER--tomorrow afternoon, at Martins-slam, Matt Kenseth's gonna feel the pain BROTHER--he's gonna look around, see those Gordon-maniacs, hear 120,000 Gordon-maniacs chanting my name--Matt, you messed with the wrong dude, BROTHER. I'm gonna say my prayers, practice hard, eat my Fritos, be true to my sponsors--be a real DuPont-ian, BROTHER--'cause WHAT 'CHA GONNA DO (rips shirt open) WHAT 'CHA GONNA DO, WHEN GORDON-MANIA, RUNS WILD ON YOU!

(walks away)

Berggren: Well, Jeff Gordon isssuing a challenge--wait, Matt Kenseth walking by--Matt, Matt, can we get a quick word?

Kenseth: (eating a Slim Jim) Ooooh yeah, Dig it?!?


What Did Jeff Gordon Say to Matt Kenseth After He Pushed Him?

"...and there's plenty more where that came from, bub!"

"...I wanna rip his heart out, I wanna eat his children..."

"I'm Jeff Gordon, driver of the #24 DuPont Chevy, and I'm going to beat you into a pulp"

"You're usually such a clean driver--USG must stand for Usually Super Guy"

"I'll cut ya..I'll cut ya man--what you got? What you got?"

"Haha! I've left my helmet on! Lets see you attack me now, Mr. Waltrip!"

"That was totally uncalled for--I'd NEVER wreck somebody at the end of a Bristol no less!"

"I'm here to push chest and chew Nicorette...and I'm alllll outta Nicorette"

"Step off! I said, STEP OFF! Hit the bricks! Don't get me riled!"

"When Roush has to contract a team in 2045, I hope its YOURS!"

"Oh, sorry, thought you were Truex"


What's Better Than a Race at Bristol?

--Seeing your favorite driver win the championship, without accusations of cheating.

--Front row seats to the first reunion concert of Pink Floyd.

--Dames. Dames with gams.

--A Reeses Pieces Blizzard at Dairy Queen.

--Winning the lottery.

--Winning the NBA Draft lottery.

--Finally beating Super Mario Bros. 3 WITHOUT the warp whistles.

--Finding eternal love and happiness with the person you can't live without.


of course, there is really only one thing better than a race at Bristol...



Bristol "News" and Notes

Qualifying has been rained out today, meaning that the field will be set by points. No, not THIS year's points, that would just make too much sense.

This week Bristol Motor Speedway named a grandstands tower after Rusty Wallace. Surprisingly, Ryan Newman IS allowed in...with a ticket.

Gale Sayers has teamed with Ray Lewis to start a race team. There's three jokes on this one:
1. Generic--This is the 45th race team started by ex-football players...this week.
2. Sayers--The team is expected to run for four years, then completely fall apart.
3. Lewis--Lewis now claims that while, yes, he was present when the team was started, he didn't actually start the team (though he did try to cover it up).

Kasey Kahne's win last week put him in the elite Winner's Circle program, which pays the top drivers extra money to race. Finally, the truly needy are getting the help they so sorely need.

Greg Biffle will be running the Subway paint scheme this week, meaning that you will be reminded, yet again, of that creepy commercial with the spraying Coke.

EVEN--Someone will throw something at someone.
3:1--A driver will spin out about 10 times.
10:1--The race will end with someone in the top ten, making Larry McReyolds remark "now that's a great finish for ____, showing something this week."


Fans Outraged by Onion Sports Article's Clerical Error

In the most recent edition of The Onion, a satirical news site, its sports section featured an "infographic"--Great African American Moments in Nascar History. Racing fans across the country have already began registering their outrage to the website for the glaring use of fraudulent numerical identification.
"The article clearly lists Tony Stewart in the #29 Chevy Monte Carlo, when anybody should know that Tony drives the #20 Chevy Monte Carlo", explained reader Jimmy Barnhardt. "What kind of world do we live in where satirical sites can just make stuff up? Where's the accountability?"
Within hours of its posting, emails began pouring in to The Onion's headquarters in New York. Fans on various message boards smiliarly posted their disgust with the article's patent ignorance of the facts. On a Nascar Racing Sim board, the following message was posted by EdwardzPhan99:
"I know Kahne_Gurl and DodgeDude239 are going to say this, so I'll stop them--YES, Tony Stewart drove the #29 in the Busch Series, but NEVER in a race with Jimmie Johnson. I know--I checked Jayski this afternoon to make sure."
It remains unknown what ramifications The Onion may face if a retraction is not issued, but some fans are swearing themselves off the site forever.
"I'm sick and tired of these comedy people thinking they know Nascar", said "former reader" Wilson Scott. "I'm going to find the Nascar comedy that really makes me laugh--jokes about Kenny Wallace's laugh and Michael Waltrip's hair. Git-r-done!"


Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "Brandy"

There's a track down in Tennessee
That fills all Nascar fans with glee
In person, or on TV
It’s the best race in the world

And this track, it’s a super place
Two weekends a year, they’ll have a race
They say "Bristol, its better than the Chase"
So I just have to ask…

I gotta say “Bristol, you’re a great track
For the ratings, and at the gate
But why wasn’t it you they’d

SMI built their tracks the same
Dogleg in the front, “Motor” in the name
Flat and 2 miles, its such a shame
But they are not alone

ISC, you spread the boring tracks
Wide with no banking, whose idea what that?
The cars spread out, there’s no exciting packs
And someone boring wins

And so I say “Bristol, you’re a great track
For the ratings, and at the gate
But why wasn’t it you they’d


Two "Friends" of Dale Earnhardt Talk

Following this week's race in the ATL (...and I'm not gonna forget when I came from), Rusty Wallace used his new-found position at ESPN to write a column about Ryan Newman's decision to run a Dodge Intrepid, rather then the newer Dodge Charger. While a Charger DID win the race, one has to wonder how much objectivity Wallace had, since he hates Ryan Newman and is quite loyal to Dodge.
After reading the article, fellow announcer Darrell Waltrip had a tough conversation with Rusty:

Darrell: "What is this? Where did you get this? Where did you learn that it was OK to comment on things you have a personal and monetary interest in?"

Rusty: "YOU!!! I learned it from watching you!"


What DO They Show in Practice?

To date, Nascar is the only sport to broadcast its practice sessions live. Naturally, this leads to a large amount of, shall we say, downtime. So what do they talk about? What do they show? Lets take a look at an average hour:

16 minutes: Aqua Velva commercials

11 minutes: Larry Mac going into deep detail about camber, pit strategy, drafting partners, and the chances of a true democracy ever being achieved in Haiti.

9 minutes: Michael and Darrell Waltrip pimping Toyota, Dominoes, Napa, and, well, themselves.

7 minutes: Dick Berggren asking drivers what their strategy is for the race--because you KNOW that drivers will give away their big secret plans for Sunday to a pit reporter.

6 minutes: Random shots of drivers peeling into pit road. HOT BRAKING ACTION!!!

5 minutes: Mike Joy sneaking in his pro-communist agenda across the airwaves. Do I have to spell it out for you?!? He's a Ruskie!

4 minutes: Previews for "Back in the Day". Apparently Junior gets his slang from "Back in the 1990's".

2 minutes: Graphical errors that make it appear that Elliott Sadler is going 1867.2 MPH and that Stanton Barrett is the fastest car in traffic.


Spring Movie Preview

If Atlanta is any indication, there's going to be lots of opportunities to watch movies on the few Sunday afternoons. But fear not--Hollywood has come up with some great Nascar-themed movies for the Spring season. Here's a look:

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector--Nascar fans everywhere go to see their comedy hero on the big screen--Bruce Bruce.

The Child--Kyle Busch adjusts to life after puberty.

ATL--Speedway Motorsports Inc. tries for another race date change for Atlanta, hopefully to a day that is PROVEN to have zero chance of rain.

Friends with Money--Can a simple small-town boy afford to go to a Nextel Cup race? Maybe if he hides in the trunk of the car of his well-to-do friends. But when the temperature at Talladega goes about 100, tragedy ensues.

Phat Girlz--In a misguided attempt to give his drivers "crossover appeal", Ray Evernham hires a Harlem beauty shop owner to give Erin Crocker " ill new look".

The Wild--When you spend the late afternoon in Mark Martin's hauler, ANYTHING can happen--even drinking caffinated soda after 7pm!!!

Take the Lead--We all know that drivers are unwilling to lead the pack at Daytona until the final lap. So when a freak rainstorm happens at the midpoint of the race, and Kevin Lepage is in the lead...

Inside Man--When Jayski mistakenly reveals one of his sources, he finds himself running for his life.


Hotlanta "News" and Notes

Kasey Kahne broke Ryan Newman's streak of six straight poles at Atlanta. NOW will people stop referring to 2006 as a "make-or-break" year for Kasey?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new winner for "strangest name in Nascar"; I give you, Trevor Boys!

Dale Jarrett has said that he plans to run Cup through 2008. No word on if he knows that Robert Yates plans to have him run Cup through 2006.

Ryan Newman continues to race a 2004 Dodge Intrepid this weekend. In 2007, when the car becomes non-approved, he is expected to switch to a Stanley Steamer.

Michael Waltrip has announced a five-race deal in Nextel Cup this season with Bill Elliott and Burger King. Elliott was last seen being bound, gagged, and thrown into a clown car.

3:1 You'll miss about 200 laps of this race watching the NCAA tournament.
7:2 The race will end in a Green-White-Checkered finish.
100:1 The incident precipitating the Green-White Checkered finish will involve anyone in the top 20.


St. Patrick's Day Special

Note: After hearing Kyle Petty's "Brokeback Mountain" joke to Darrell Waltrip during qualifying, I felt it was necessary to take some time and some Guiness. Unfortunately, even that didn't do the trick. So instead, here's a cliched St. Patrick's Day article. Enjoy!

--Twice each year, drivers go to Michigan International Speedway in the IRISH HILLS. Because when you think of Nascar, race fans, and the Irish, you always think of Brooklyn.

--ISC has tried to claim that moving Rockingham's racing dates to "cookie-cutter" race tracks is better for the fans. But the true fans know that a cookie-cutter track is nothing but a SHAM-ROCK.

--Short-track New River Valley Speedway in DUBLIN, Virgina, hosted four Busch Series races from 1989-1992. Now imagine Ward Burton saying "New River Valley".

--Perhaps the driver best-named for the Emerald Isle is Jeff GREEN who...wait...SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE! SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!


Racing with the "Stars"

Recently, it was announced that the stars of the upcoming movie "Benchwarmers"--Rob Schneider, David Spade, and Jon Heder, would be serving as grand marshalls for this week's race at Atlanta. Furthermore, the movie would be sponsoring driver Kenny Wallace. Here's transcript of those magical moments when Kenny met these legends of Hollywood (and Spade).

Rob Schneider: "Hello, Mr. Wallace. I've heard alot about you and, well, its a pleasure to meet you."
Kenny Wallace: "Hey man, can you do that thing from Saturday Night Live?!? You know, that copy machine guy, Rickard or something, you know! Can you do that?!?"
Rob: (sighing): "Kenny...Ken-o-rama...Makin' cop-ies."
Kenny: (Kenny Wallace laugh)

David Spade: "Hey there, Kenny. You know, my dad was a huge fan of your brother Rusty, and its great to meet someone who's not afraid to take on the big boys out there."
Kenny: "Hey man, can you do that thing from Saturday Night Live?!? You know, that airline stewardess or somebody, he was like 'bye-bye' to everyone?!? You remember that?!?"
David: (sighing): "Buh-bye"
Kenny: (Kenny Wallace laugh)

Jon Heder: "Hi Kenny--I've never been to a race before, but I gotta say you guys know how to throw a party."
Kenny: "Hey man, can you--"
John: (angerly interrupting): "I know, I know, you want me to go 'sweet' and 'dang' and 'gosh!' I'm sick and tired of everyone asking me to repeat lines from a year-old movie! Get on with your lives, people!!!"
Kenny: "I was just gonna ask you what it was like working with Reese Witherspoon."


Willy T. Ribbs: "Yes, that's my real name"

When Bill Lester announced that he would be attempting this week's race at Atlanta, he became the first African-American to attempt a Nextel Cup race since 1986. Naturally, this drummed up interest in the last African-American to attempt a race, and the validity of that driver's name, Willy T. Ribbs.
"Yes, that's my real name", Ribbs stated in an exclusive interview from his California home. "Most people think that its made up, but I'm here to say, unequivically, that my name IS Willy T. Ribbs."
Since leaving the racing world, Ribbs has competed in the world of competitive shooting, including an ill-fated meeting with Dick Cheney. Ribbs was last in the spotlight when featured in a "Real Sports" interview on the lack of minorities in Nascar.
"The interview didn't get much publicity, besides Richard Petty's use of the word 'colored'", explained Ribbs. "Bryant (Gumbel, the show's host) could've used his whole 'paucity of blacks' speil then, but noooo."
Ribbs is currently involved in litigation with a large American restaurant chain, looking to start up a new line of bar & grills. Ribbs contends that the name, "Willy T's Ribs", infringes on his name and likeness.
Ribbs wishes Lester luck, hoping that "...he extends more opportunities to the silent minority of America--former electrical engineers."
Meanwhile, the validity of the name of Morty Buckles remains unknown.


The Jimmies Johnson--A Comparison

Jimmie Johnson's fast start to the 2006 season has rekindled interest in that other Jimmy Johnson, the one who coached the Dallas Cowboys to two Super Bowls and several convictions. Lets take a look at the two:

Jimmy Johnson: Port Arthur, Texas
Jimmie Johnson: Nascar "Young Gun" Assembly Plant, Charlotte North Carolina

Early Career
Jimmy Johnson: Played football at Arkansas with future antagonist Jerry Jones
Jimmie Johnson: Raced off-road in SCORE with future antagonist Robby Gordon

Big Break
Jimmy Johnson: Coaching at the University of Miami
Jimmie Johnson: Driving "that Exedrin car for that guy" (Reggie Jackson)

First Pro Year
Jimmy Johnson: Reviled by Cowboys fans for replacing Tom Landry
Jimmie Johnson: Reviled by Nascar fans for being associated with Jeff Gordon

Sign of Success
Jimmy Johnson: Spawned the annoying catch phrase "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
Jimmie Johnson: Booed at the track

Most Embaressing Televised Moment
Jimmy Johnson: Saying that he had divorced his wife, since she no longer fit "...into my game plan"
Jimmie Johnson: Briefly sweating during a post-race interview

Smarmiest Moment
Jimmy Johnson: Letting his dog sit in on an NFL draft war room
Jimmie Johnson: That dumb post-race interview with Michael Waltrip

Constant Answer to Constant Question
Jimmy Johnson: "No, Troy Aikman is NOT gay"
Jimmie Johnson: "No, Jeff Gordon is NOT gay"

Bad Acting Choice
Jimmy Johnson: Appearing as a drunk on "The Shield"
Jimmie Johnson: Appearing as a stereotype in "Nascar 3D"

Biggest Disappointment
Jimmy Johnson: Never won a Super Bowl for Dan Marino
Jimmie Johnson: Has lost championships to a robot and a jerk (twice)


What's Tony Stewart's Problem with Kyle Busch?

--Doesn't believe that younger brothers should follow their older siblings into fame. This is why Terry Stewart is currently chained to a basement wall in Columbus, Ohio.

--Kyle keeps asking him what the capitol of Thailand is.

--They still haven't settled their argument over what the best Pink Floyd album is--"Dark Side of the Moon" or "The Wall".

--The Chevy hospitality trailer used to have those peppermint candies in them. Kyle got them to replace them with after-dinner mints, even though he KNEW that Tony liked them. And get this--Kyle doesn't even EAT the after-dinner mints!

--Kyle keeps calling him "Jackie".

--Sure, calling Tony "Agent Orange" was funny the first time, but now its just annoying.

--Tony keeps getting warnings on AIM from a VegasRacr5.

--Well, Tony DID say that he was "easily accessible" last year, but that doesn't give Kyle the right to play his PSP all day.


Chad Knaus Suspended by Hendrick for 2006 Season

After first being suspended for the first five races of the 2006 season by Nascar, Chad Knaus, crew chief for Jimmie Johnson, has been suspended by his down team for the remainder of the season.
"At first we were looking forward to Chad's return to the team", explained team owner Rick Hendrick. "But, after the first three weeks of the season, we took a look at where our team was heading. And after a thorough review of the 48 team's place in the points, we decided that Chad's actions warranted a full-season suspension."
Hendrick stressed that Knaus' banishment from the team had "...nothing to do with the unmitigated success of Darian Grubb". Grubb has lead the team to two wins and a runner-up finish since taking over for Knaus at Daytona.
"Sure, Darian's running the team fantastically, but have you SEEN what Chad tried to pull? I mean, he tried to RAISE THE CAR. Unbelievable. Nascar went much too light on him, so we had to step in. If there's one thing I've learned in the business world, its that cheaters never succeed."
Hendrick has remained mum on Grubb's future with the team--one would suspect that Grubb has become a major prospect for other teams. However, reports out of Charlotte have Hendrick putting his lawyers to work overtime to get a contract extension in place.
When asked if he was worried about Knaus' long-term dismissal, Grubb replied, "What do I have to worry about? I have the best driver, the best crew, the best car, the best team...oh God, my life's peaked. Its all down hill from here."
Knaus was unavailable for comment, as he was attending a skull-cap sampling convention.


Soylent Corporation to Sponsor Jeff Green

Bridging the gap created by Best Buy's partial-season sponsorship, the Soylent Corporation has agreed to sponsor Jeff Green for the balance of the year.
"We see this as the best way to promote our products", explained Soylent CEO William Simonson. "Besides, who better to promote our newest product but a Green brother?"
Simonson was referring to his company's newest product on the market, Soylent Green. Believed to be a composite of soy beans and lentils, the synthetic food is extremely inexpensive and rationed out by the US government.
"Once they see Jeff on the track, the other drivers will be thinking to themselves, 'Make room! Make room!'. We expect nothing but the best from Green--I mean, why should he be a Thorn in our side?"
Though of a somewhat mysterious nature, Nascar has welcomed in the Soylent Corporation with open arms. They have already become "The Official Synthetic Food of Nascar", and have been passing out product samples at California and Las Vegas.
"I'm proud as heck to have Soylent Green on board", said a visibly happy Jeff Green. "I mean, what would there be to worry about?"


Las Vegas "News" and Notes

After a boring race at California, Nascar puts it behind them with another boring race at Las Vegas. Don't worry, Bristol's just two weeks away.

Honda has hinted that they will NOT enter Nascar in the near future. However, the plans of Studebaker, Nash, and Hudson remain in the air.

Jeff Gordon is getting a wax statue at the famous Madame Tussauds gallery in Las Vegas. Surprisingly, the statue itself still has more personality than Ryan Newman.

Last week, Nascar did not allow Mark Green to sub in for Joel Kauffman, who was feeling "nauseous" (read: the trots) before the race. Apparently putting a seasoned veteran in a car is dangerous, but putting a violently ill 19 year old in a car is perfectly fine.

Derrike Cope was forced to withdraw from the entry list at Las Vegas when his team's transporter broke down. Cope then attempted to win his way into the race at the blackjack tables. You can see him now outside Bally's wearing nothing but his mustache.

EVEN--An Elvis impersonator will be featured during the pre-race.
5:1--An Elvis Pressley song will be featured during the race.
5,000:1--A Lisa Marie Pressley song will be featured during the race.


Ryan Newman Puts Out Fire

While dining at a local restaurant, Ryan Newman and some associates noticed smoke. They moved quickly to find the source--a small fire--and quickly extinguished it. Newman had this to say about the experience:
"As soon as I smelled the smoke, I called the fire department on my ALLTEL WIRELESS PHONE. Then, I climbed up and saw the source. Those flames were as crisp as the picture on my SONY WEGA FLAT-SCREEN TELEVISION. The fire department got there asap, mostly because their trucks are lubircated with MOBIL 1 OIL, which dramatically cuts down on friction and carbon deposits. They put out the fire faster than TURTLE WAX F-21 CAR POLISH. My sincere thanks to the local firefighers, who were sharper than a GILLETTE FUSION RAZOR.
By the way, we think Rusty Wallace started it."


Kevin Harvick Held for Ransom in Mexico City

A plan to kidnap Nascar superstar Kevin Harvick was nearly foiled when the driver was escorted out from the track. However, his traveling crew was intercepted, leaving Harvick missing since Sunday evening.
"We have put out an APB for Kevin, and we hope he's returned to us safely", explained team owner Richard Childress. "Of course, this DOES affect our team's status for 2007. Its not just our decision, Kevin has to decide too...and be alive."
Harvick was last seen leaving the Mexico road course with his wife and team owner (the same person) immediately following the conclusion of the race. Harvick's wife arrived at the airport some 2 hours later, but without Kevin. She was unable to explain her husband's whereabouts, as she was too busy listening to a UNC basketball game on satellite radio.
Harvick's captors remain unknown, though they may be members of a splinter group from the nation's main governing body, not unlike the IRL. However, a letter was received by US Intelligence that may explain his location:

We have Happy. Drop $10,000,000 American in the sewer grate by the 16th street market.

Officers believe that the street number may be a thinly-veiled sign that Harvick has been captured by Greg Biffle.
More on this story as it develops.


Why Did Charlotte get the Hall of Fame?

--Charlotte is nicknamed the "Queen City". And you'd better believe that Brian France is a Freddie Mercury fan.

--Ric Flair makes his home in Charlotte. And if your Hall of Fame can't be Stylin'...WOO!...and Profilin', then what's the point?

--Major sponsor Bank of America is headquartered in Charlotte (however, would this mean that if Bank of America had never bought MBNA, then the Hall of Fame would be in Ogletown, Delaware?)

--The Carolina Panthers play downtown. Any place you can be closer to the Topcats dancers is a good place.

--Speaking of which, Nascar believes the Hall of Fame is the only way to purge the memories of Kerry Collins.

--Its the geographic center of Nascar's main fan base...20 years ago.

--Its the geographic center of Nascar's tracks...20 years ago.

--Teams will be able to carpool there. Wait, Nascar drivers carpooling together? Sounds like a commercial!


How to Cope

Having dinner with my family tonight reminded me of the strangest Nascar story I have ever heard, one that haunts me to this day...

Years ago my dad is watching a race with his friend, Ron. Ron's a local racer in New Jersey, and a pretty macho guy. Derrike Cope comes on the screen, and Ron says this quote:
"Man, Derrike Cope's so good looking, he gets ALL the ladies"
Read it again. Now you know the madness I've been living in ever since I found out this information. Now, Derrike certainly isn't unattractive. But to call him good looking? By a guy? I mean, does Ron just like mustaches? Does he know something about Derrike that no one else does? Its mad I tell you, MAD!

If anyone has any idea what this might mean, please let me know.


Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "Addicted to Love" by Robert Palmer

The race is on, but you're not there
Your owner doesn't care
You got gloves, and racin' shoes
Guess you did-n't read the news

There's no win, no top five
Your Cup career is not alive
So start your engines, wait not you
Your whole season's a DNQ

Whoa, you like to think that you’re too good for this stuff, woah yeah

You raced Cup in the past, but now you've gone somewhere else, you know you're

Gonna have to face it, you’ve been sent down to Trucks

You had the signs, but you can't read
You’re runnin’ at a pace car's speed
The wrecks you cause? You're only fame
You never said your sponsor's name, but that's the game

Don't understand
You're either crazy, or just too bland
If your career need a push
You don’t want to whack Busch

Whoa, you like to think that you’re too good for this stuff, woah yeah

You raced Cup in the past, but now you've gone somewhere else, you know you're

Gonna have to face it, you’ve been sent down to Trucks

Might as well face it, you've been sent down to Trucks
Might as well face it, you've been sent down to Trucks
Might as well face it, you've been sent down to Trucks
Might as well face it, you've been sent down to Trucks


Lost In Translation II: Electric Bugaloo

Once again, I try to explain the upcoming race in Mexico City. First, I do it in my language (English, you dope):

This week's race is in Mexico City. The race is part of the Nascar Busch Series, a minor-league division of stock car racing. Last year the race was won by Martin Truex Jr. This year Kevin Harvick is among the favorites. This is also the one year anniversary of "Clint..Bowyer".

Then I translate it to Spanish:

La raza de esta semana está en Ciudad de México. La raza es parte de la serie de Nascar Busch, una división de la de menor importancia-liga de competir con de coche común. La raza fue ganada el año pasado por Martin Truex Jr. Este año Kevin Harvick está entre los favoritos. Éste es también el un aniversario del año de "Clint..Bowyer".

Then I translate it BACK to English:

The race of this week is in City of Mexico. The race is part of the series of Nascar Busch, a division of the one of smaller importance-binds to compete with of common car. The race was gained the year last through Martin East Truex Jr year Kevin Harvick is between the favorites. This one is also an anniversary of the year of "Clint..Bowyer".

Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

Thanks to the good folks at Babel Fish


Two Legends Meet!

The Outside Groove is proud to present a transcript of the first meeting between two motorsports legends--Richard Petty and Kenny Bernstein. That's right--Nascar's King and NHRA's King come face to face!

Richard Petty: Hi, Kenny.

Kenny Bernstein: Pleasure to meet you, Richard.

Petty: So...

Bernstein:'s that racing school going?

Petty: Its-its going good--we got about 9 locations now--you should come by for a class.

Bernstein: Oh, I'd love to, but you know how hard it is to get free time.

Petty: Boy, don't I. Yeah.

Bernstein: Yeah, really...yeah.

Petty: Umm...your son races, right?

Bernstein: Yeah--he's racing for me this year.

Petty: So,'s that working out for you.

Bernstein: Um...its working...good...we're happy with it.

Petty: Good, good...

PR Rep: Mr. Petty, Robbie Loomis is on the line. He's refusing to leave his home again.

Petty: Shoot, I gotta run...nice meeting ya, Kenny.

Kenny: Nice to meet you too--stay in touch.


Ameriquest to Sponsor All Busch Series Teams

Following a successful two-race trial run with Roush Racing, Ameriquest has agreed to take over primary sponsorship of all full-time Busch Series teams. Terms of the deals were not disclosed.
"We feel that if three teams bring in three times the exposure, forty teams will bring in thirty times the exposure (adjusted for diminishing returns)", announced Ameriquest spokesperson Sara Wilson. "With dozens of drivers racing the Ameriquest colors, we'll surely get the ROI we've been looking for."
Ameriquest, a mortgage company previously best known for getting that "Freedom...freedom...freedom" song stuck in your head, starts its new program this week at the Mexico City race. All 43 cars entered in the remaining races will have identical paint schemes and logos, giving the appearence of an IROC race without the talent.
"Just imagine it", Wilson continued, "Burney Lamar in the #77 Ameriquest Monte Carlo SS, battling Todd Kluever in the #06 Ameriquest Fusion for the lead on the final lap, while the #38 Ameriquest Dodge of A.J. Foyt crashes in the pack of the pack. Its really going to be magic."
Ameriquest's plan is similar to the marketing strategy used by Lucas Oil, in which all unsponsored teams are automatically sponsored by Lucas Oil.