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Will it be as Good as No Holds Barred?

A quick recap of TNT's coverage of today's Busch Series race:

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Kansas "News" and Notes

Nascar Scene reports that Mike Bliss is suing Haas Racing for reneging on a promise to hire him. Owner Gene Haas is countering by showing that no one, under any circumstances, could expect Mike Bliss to be given a full-time Nextel Cup ride.

A year ago, Denny Hamlin made his first Cup start at this racetrack. And look at him now--in the Chase and starring in dumb commercials where he doesn't talk. Good for you, Denny--good for you.

Much like in Dover or Bristol, drivers are given a warm welcome at Kansas, a smaller market with a more close-knit fan base. This can be expected, as the Kansas City Chiefs are the only professional sports team in town.

If possible, find a way to watch this week's edition of Trackside Live--Larry McReynolds' pronunciation of "Garnier Frutis" is too cathartic to pass up.

Melling makes its return to Nextel Cup racing this weekend with Bill Elliott and the 37 R&J Racing machine. With the team having to get in on speed, it will be just like old times for the Melling boys!

Oh, they made it? Good for you--keep selling those brake pads, and you won't have to sell the company to Ray Zalinsky.

3:1 Anyone will remember my "Kansas" jokes from last year.
15:1 Jimmie Johnson will grab the lead on the first lap.
80:1 Chad Chaffin will grab the lead on the first lap.


The Outside Groove Fall Movie Preview

While the world waits breathlessly for Robin Williams' latest ultimately disappointing movie, lets take a look at some of this autumn's Nascar-themed films:

The Guardian--A veteran driver competes with a young hot-shot, secretly protecting him along the way (note: producers are being sued by "Speed Racer").

The Last King of Scotland--Bored out of his mind, Rusty Wallace attempts to trace his lineage back to the legendary William Wallace, and does--only to find out that William Wallace wasn't a king at all. Features a cameo by Fran Drescher as Kenny Wallace.

Facing the Giants--Can a young driver with the drive and the dream compete in the big-time world of Nascar? Answer--probably not.

Employee of the Month--In this reality/movie, 12 eager contestants try to keep up with Ken Scrhader's race schedule for 30 days. Can they do it? Moreover, can they find a hotel room in Peavy?

So Goes the Nation--Will Nascar's notoriously dedicated fans REALLY start rooting for something called the "Monster Series" if no monsters (besides Michael Waltrip) are involved?

The Marine--(shelved)

Jackass Number Two--The Kurt Busch Story!


The Outside Groove Hall of Fame: First Exhibit

The Outside Groove Hall of Fame is pleased to welcome in the first exhibit into its growing collection (currently grown to one). Here we see a rare piece--an autographed pit pass signed by our first inductee:

Please, no photos


Montoya to Buy Sneakers?

Am hearing that Juan Pablo Montoya, recently freed from contractual obligations to F1, could be buying a pair of sneakers this weekend. Yesterday, Montoya stopped by an Alabama Foot Locker to look at some shoes, according to sources within Chip Ganassi Racing. Montoya may or may not purchase the sneakers this weekend in Kansas, depending on if they're available at the Foot Locker there.
UPDATE: Nope--hearing he's going to buy some sliders instead.


Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "Buddy Holly" by Weezer

What’s with these fans sayin’ I’m washed up?
What have they ever done?
I’d like to see them sit in my place.
And see how much they won.

Woo-hoo, but I won for Citgo.
Woo-hoo, and also Exide.
Woo-hoo, its time to turn this tide.

Cin-gu-lar, man we just won one at Dover.
Its late, and we’re leading in the points.
So what if every question’s ‘bout my brother Ward.
‘Cause now I know I’m back.

Last week Speed Channel came after us.
Those reports made me sick.
We are not cheaters, we are honest.
Its not like my name’s Harvick.

Woo-hoo, and I’ve won for Childress.
Woo-hoo, and I’ve won for Jack.
Woo-hoo, tamed the Monster and we’re back.

Cin-gu-lar, man we just won one at Dover.
Its late, and we’re leading in the points.
So what if every question’s ‘bout my brother Ward.
‘Cause now I know I’m back.

Move left, clear on right, racing with Kenseth to daylight.
Cool tires, car is fine.
He’s losin’ his but I got mine.
Try the pass he shut the door.
Guess I’ll have to try it out once more.
Try it low, try it low, try to make the pass.
Made it now it doesn’t matter ‘cause he’s out of gas.


And Now, Ward Burton and his Friend Hermie Sadler Watch Jeff Burton Win at Dover

Ward: "Splendid! My own blood brother, clinching the victory at Dover! Oh, what a glorious day for the Burton clan!"
Hermie: "Bully for you, old chap! Bully! Your brother Jeffery has surely done your brood proud with this first place finish!"
Ward: "Aye, yet I can only chance to wonder about how I may have done on such a competitive afternoon. For you see, I must watch from the sidelines, unable to compete due to my advancing age. But enough dwelling, we must celebrate!"
Hermie: "Certainly, old chum! I dare say this calls for a classic--hold on, I do believe the phone is ringing, probably a media-type seeking your response."
Ward: "Hulloh? Ay'm prod uh my brutha fo a great weein at Dovah in da Cingoolah cah. Herah's Hermie..."
Hermie: "That there wuz a great win foah Jeff--he hadda dang good run out theah."


Dover "News" and Notes

Despite being the second-smallest state in the country, Dover continues to host two Nascar Nextel Cup events, selling out each at over 120,000 seats. TAKE THAT RHODE ISLAND!

Jeff Gordon took the pole for this weekend's race. I missed qualifying, but I'm assuming his post-qualifying interview was along the lines of this: "Yeah, we had a great run out there, we always try to good here at Dover, its the home track for this DOO-pont Chevy, we're looking for a strong run tomorrow, and hope to gain some ground in the Chase."

Everyone better watch out, because a former Dover winner is in the field. That's right, Derrike Cope.

Tony Stewart returns to Dover after limping through the Spring race with a bad shoulder. In addition, this Spring's substitute driver, Ricky Rudd, gave Tony advice on how to win at tracks like these, including taping your eyes open, making people wait months for driver change announcements, and being tangentially related to Skeet Ulrich.

And finally, Hulk Hogan will be giving the command to start engines on Sunday. As a former wrestling fan, I'd love to make fun of the Hulkster, but how can you make fun of someone whose already made THIS music video.

EVEN--Someone will make a reference to Sambo's, making everyone else slightly offended.
9:1 Hulk Hogan will do battle with Miles the Monster.
50:1 Hulk Hogan will do battle with Jeff Hammond.


I'm Shane Hmiel, Braun

Be sure to tune in for The Outside Groove Presents...Shane Hmiel, part one in an infinate part series currently airing on no major networks (no, not even CMT). In the interview, we delve deep into the personal struggles of this fallen star, mostly through hearsay, conjecture, and overheard conversations with Bob Dillner. In the interview, Shane responds to...

His heated exchange with Dale Jarrett at Bristol:

"Naw, I didn't ram my car into Jarrett's bumper on purpose. Come on, I have a little more sense than that. Yeah, I remember grinding my car into Jarrett's bumper."

His controversial lawsuit against Braun Racing:

"They should've never given you owners MONEY! You don't know how to appreciate stuff!"

And finally, Shane explains why, after years of on-track success, sponsorship dollars, and devoted fans, he threw it all away:

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug."


Talkin' Baseball (Part II)

Today, we take a look at the junior circuit's baseball teams, and what affect they could have on Nascar.

Baltimore Orioles (Owner: Pete Angelos)--"...when asked why he bought Penske Racing, Angelos simply laughed and said it was done to further piss off Mike Mackler."

Boston Red Sox (John Henry)--Before, Mark Martin hadn't won a championship due to bad breaks, lack of reliable teammates in the 90's, and the dominance of Dale Earnhardt. Now, it'll be the Curse of the Musgrino!

New York Yankees (Big Stein)--Sure, he let Jimmie Johnson go. But his racing people kept hearing big things about Casey Atwood's potential. It was "Casey Atwood, Casey Atwood."

Tampa Bay Devil Rays (Stuart Sternberg et al)--Wow, with names like Sternberg, Silverman, and Friedman, these guys are SURE to be welcomed in places like Alabama and Georgia!

Toronto Blue Jays (Rogers Communications)--You'd better believe Ron Fellowes will have a ride come 2007.

Chicago White Sox (Michael Jordan's lapdog)--From the people who brought you Disco Demolition Night, its Bad Music Videos with Nascar Drivers Explosion-palooza!

Cleveland Indians (Roger Dorn)--"...and the Indians car sputters to a fourth straight DNF. Tonight's post race is brought to you by...Christ, I can't find it, the hell with it!"

Detroit Tigers (Mike Illich)--Nascar! Nascar!

Kansas City Royals (David Glass)--This man might be the only one capable of screwing up the Marlin-Ginn juggernaut.

Minnesota Twins (Carl Pohlad)--Finally, someone with a small-market background can show teams from the tiny town of Mooresville how to succeed.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (Arte Moreno)--Gentlemen, say hello to the National Guard presents the Post It 16 Pennzoil Ford presented by Travelodge!

Oakland Athletics (MC Hammer)--They shouldn't have to offer bonuses to get drivers to grow moustaches.

Seattle Mariners (Nintendo)--Partnering up with Bill Davis would make the most sense--after all, both have quite extensive experience in losing valuable free-agents.

Texas Rangers (Tom Hicks)--Sure, they used to be owned by a man who fleeced the taxpayers for a publicly-financed stadium, then turned around and sold his shares of the team for an astronomical profit. And sure, he might have looked the other way while most of his star players took steroids. And sure, he traded Sammy Sosa for next to nothing. But hey, its not like he wound up becoming president or anything, right?


Talkin' Baseball (Part I)

Rumors have cropped up that Boston Red Sox owner John Henry could be buying a substatial portion of Roush Racing. Now, I became a Nascar fan to get AWAY from Yankees and Red Sox fans, but I guess we'll have to put up with it. After all, who knows where it will lead? Why, any team's owners could buy into a racing outfit, with any result...

Atlanta Braves (Owner: Time Warner)--Lots of Chase for the Cup appearences, but not many championships, then the bottom falls out. So basically, Jeremy Mayfield.

Florida Marlins (Jeffrey Loria)--Win the Cup! Sell the team! Win the Cup again! Sell the team again! Its J.D. Stacy all over again!

New York Mets (Fred Wilpon)--If you thought the Mo Vaughn contract was overpriced, just WAIT till you see what they're willing to pay for Ashton Lewis Jr.

Philadelphia Phillies (Dave Montgomery)--"And despite a 500 point lead going into Richmond, John Kruk Racing has STILL found a way to choke themselves out of the Chase!"

Washington Nationals (Wes Unseld)--They REALLY don't want to see a Busch race in Montreal.

Chicago Cubs (Tribune Co.)--Sure, they get lots of DNQ's. But they're so loveable!

Cincinnati Reds (Robert Castellini)--Everything was going great...and then Nick Lachey showed up.

Houston Astros (Drayton McLayne)--Mark Martin and Roger Clemens--think they have something in common?

Milwaukee Brewers (Mark Attanasio)--Finally, a place where Sauter brothers can be accepted for who they are.

Pittsburgh Pirates (Kevin McClatchy)--"Nobody told me I had to qualify. If there is qualifying, they better eliminate me out of the race and go ahead and do what they're going to do with me. I ain't never ran good in qualifying and I never will. If it is qualifying, then I'm going into 'Operation Shutdown.' Tell them exactly what I said. I haven't competed for a pole since 1991."

St. Louis Cardinals (William DeWitt)--At least they're used to seeing a sea of red t-shirts.

Arizona Diamondbacks (Ken Kendrick)--Work hard, win it all, lose interest, then sell. Just like Ultra Motorsports.

Colorado Rockies (David Thompson)--More offense than a Jimmy Spencer interview...with booze.

Los Angeles Dodgers (Frank McCourt)--Anybody who gives a job to a gereatric Rickey Henderson is good by me.

San Diego Padres (John Moores)--Would have to allign with Michael Waltrip Racing--after all, they already have experience working with brown and yellow.

San Francisco Giants (Peter Magowan)--Finally, we can get Kyle Busch on some steroids.

Part II Tomorrow


Bob Dillner Develops Bleeder Valve in Nose

Shortly after reporting the existence of "bleeder valves" on the tires of RCR cars Kevin Harvick and Jeff Burton, Speed Channel reporter Bob Dillner was reported developing a bleeder valve of his own.
"We took Bob in for post-interview inspection, and saw something out of regulation", explained Speed Channel official/physician Dr. Dick Berggren. "Upon further review, we discovered a bleeder valve had been placed in his nose, presumably by Kevin Harvick."
Dillner first reported on the bleeder valve, which gives drivers a competitive advantage by preventing tire pressure build-up, after yesterday's race at New Hampshire. Shortly afterwards, officials reported seeing Harvick making "...unapproved modifications to Dillner's face" behind Ted Christopher's pit stall.
No disciplinary action is expected against Dillner, though Berggren said that the matter would be reviewed by Speed TV Director of Competition, Sir Dave Despain. In theory, no competitive advantage was gained, beyond being able to drip blood all over his shirt.
When reached for comment, Dillner replied, "Thiss suchs! E pusshet me in da noshe!", which is believed to be some sort of coded communication to Burton's brother, Ward.


If We Never Learn From History, We are Doomed to Lap It

"..and Waltrip and Robby Gordon battling HARD for position, Waltrip gonna try to make a move here, woah got loose NEARLY got Robby into the wall. Waltrip trying to drive aw--WALTRIP IN THE WALL! Looks like Robby got into the back of him, and Michael is NOT going to be happy."

"...Gordon coming back around the track to Mikey--he's refusing to enter the ambulance. Gordon coming by, Waltrip reaches for his helmet and--OH MY! Waltrip takes off his helmet, creating a major sight blockage. He just nearly wrecked half the field there."

"Waltrip just blocked my vision with his 'fro! Well that's rude--he started it!"

"Lets see if we can get a word with Michael Waltrip--Mikey, another bad run, we've heard Robby's in-car communications saying it wasn't his fault, what did you see out there?"

"I'm sick of hearing everybody saying Robby Gordon's a nice guy--he's a piece of my car."

"Once again, showing the pressure of racing for the 33rd position here at Loudon."


New Hampshire "News" and Notes

Ah yes--that magical three week period of the Nextel Cup schedule when Nascar vists the powerhouse states of Delaware, New Hampshire, and non-Northern Virginia.

The Chase for the Cup officially begins on Sunday, although for Matt Kenseth, "...the Chase never stops--I'm always chasing greatness...and by greatness, I mean the checkered flag...and by checkered flag, I mean dinner."

To improve Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s chances at his statitically worst track, DEI officials have taken to referring to the course as either "Hamptona" or "Loundondega".

Taking a page from Roush Racing (and no, its not hiring Kevin Lepage), GM hosted its own version of the "Gong Show" this week, trying out numerous drivers for Nascar-affiliated rides. In another story, Action is PRAYING that GM chooses Jeff Earnhardt.

For the first time in years, next week's Dover race will not have a title sponsor. Or so they think. Ladies and Gentlemen, say hello to The Outside Groove 400!

4:1 Ricky Craven will show up outside the track fence, whimpering.
10:1 Jeff Burton will be referred to as "a real threat".
1,000:1 Wayne Anderson will be referred to.


As Heard on Your Local Rock Radio Station

The Outside Groove salutes...Real Fans of Weirdness

Real Fans of Weirdness

Today we salute you, Mister-Shaved-A-3-Into-His-Backhair


You show up for the race with your heart on your sleeve...and your driver on your backhair

Good thing I'm so hairy

When you walk by the souvenier trailers, you buy every piece of merchandise there...EXCEPT a shirt

Would you cover up a Picasso?

The real question isn't WHY you did it, its HOW you convinced your wife to shave the design so well

Watch out for the mole

So wear your colors, oh regis of the razor. Because when it comes to fashion statements, we got your back.



Why Won't McLaren Let Juan Pablo Montoya out of his Contract?

--Worried that he might go public about his romantic relationship with Andy Richter.

--Chip Ganassi still owes them that $5 he borrowed from the team director back in 1998 (don't think they've forgotten, Chip).

--He WANTS to leave, but can't say no to the free Johnnie Walker Blue.

--Every time Ganassi has a car ready for his, Stremme runs it into the wall.

--Well, they were all ready to let him go for a small fee, then Felix Sabates got on the phone. Now Felix isn't even allowed to leave North Carolina for some reason.

--Team still legally owns the name "Pablo"; Juan (name withheld) Montoya unwilling to give it up.

--F1 officials scared off by prospect of Larry MACreynolds calling it Team MAClaren.

--Afraid he might shame them by taking the prestigious Davis Motorsports ride.


The Top 10 Drivers...In Limericks

This week’s points leader is Matt
Darrell says he’s quite the fast cat
He thinks his turn’s up
For one more Nextel Cup
He’s in first—but the finish ain’t pat

Your 48 makes us go “Wow!”
And your finishes make us go “How?”
Yes, the winning’s the proof
But if you want the truth
We thought you’d have been champ by now

Usually Kevin sees red
(and we thought his career was quite dead)
Now he’s back for September
But I’ll always remember,
“Man, I’ll punch him in his skinny ol’ head!”*

*--Spoken by Hall of Fame inductee Charles Barkley

Hamlin is Fedex’s guy
And you’d better believe he can fly
He just says “What the heck,
I’ll score if I don’t wreck”
Maybe J.J. should give it a try

Junior is back in the Chase
And think--if he comes in first place…
There’ll be chicks everywhere
And the ladies won’t care
If his bodyguards spray ‘em with mace

Mark Martin couldn’t get higher
So who cares if he’s kind of a liar
He claimed he was done
So to Todd, sorry son
But Mark’s too excited to retire

Good ol’ Jeff Burton is BACK!
So what if he can’t lead the pack?
With an experienced star
Racing for RCRMaybe they’ll paint the car black

Jeff Gordon’s had a strange life
And yes—sometimes he’s had some strife
But we shall not cry
‘Cause we just say “My,
Have you taken a look at his wife?”

The 9 car is in, finally
But no matter what finish will be
If the girl is a teen
And she likes her men clean
She’ll always yell out “Hey Kaaaay-Seeee!”

Tony Stewart’s lookin’ orange
After racing at Rich—aw, crap.


Two Worlds

One conversation:

Fan: Man, Jeff Gordon's GAY!
Me: What makes you say that?
Fan: Look at him! He's a pretty boy!
Me: So that makes him gay?
Fan: Well come on--he had a rainbow on his car! And now he's flaaaming!
Me: So the design of his car and the fact people find him attractive makes him gay.
Fan: Exactly!
Me: OK, what about his marriage to a former Miss Winston?
Fan: She left him!
Fan: He left her too!
Fan: ...I still say he's gay.
Me: (walks away in a huff)

Another conversation:

Me: Did you ever notice how Dale Earnhardt Jr. never has a steady girlfriend?
Fan: Are you saying he's gay? You're saying he's gay, aren't you?!? Damnit, how DARE you spread rumors about a driver like that!


BREAKING NEWS--Tony Stewart Fired

In keeping with an obscure clause in his contract, Joe Gibbs Racing has released driver Tony Stewart from his racing commitments to the team, effective immediately.
Earlier this year, Stewart was quoted by the AP as saying that he should be fired if he doesn't make the chase. While this was thought at the time to simply be a show of confidence, it actually reflected a legitimate part of his racing contract with Gibbs.
"We didn't want to put it in the contract, but hey, Tony insisted. However, we believe that he might have been under the influence of Stacker 2 at the time", explained Joe Gibbs Racing spokesman Mr. Fast Past, aka Clinton Portis.
Upon closer examination, the contract, in fact, does contain the clause in question. It states the following:
Article 7a (i) Whereas Tony Stewart is considered to be a Nascar "Superstar", and is a business partner with Nascar owner Brian France, he shall be released immediately if he does not qualify for any post-season tournament.
Gibbs officials are scurrying to find a replacement driver for the 20 car. Current front runners are Jimmy Means, Brad Teague, and Gary Bradberry.
Stewart was unavailable for comment, as he was busy beating his thumb bloody with a hammer.


Richmond "News" and Notes

The newest rumor concerning Mark Martin has him going to the 88 car in 2007. To ease the transition from Dale Jarrett, Martin would add 1 foot of height, grow out his hair, and wear tiny sunglasses.

I'm very proud of myself, as I rung up 10 home runs AND a no-hitter in my town's little-league tournament this weekend. Oh, but if Kevin Harvick does it, its alright.

David Reutimann will be meeting with Burger King executives next week to get approval to drive their Michael Waltrip Racing car in 2007. Reutimann is said to be very nervous about the encounter, not just because his career is riding on it, but because Bill Elliott warned him about something called "...the royal treatment".

Speaking of Michael Waltrip, he won't be racing tonight after a DNQ on Friday. Meanwhile, Morgan Shepherd made his first race of 2006. No joke needed here.

As reported on Speed TV, rumor has it that 12 teams will make the Chase in 2007, as the system is further tweaked. FINALLY Stanton Barrett has a fighting chance.

2:1 You'll suffer an epileptic fit after seeing the "In Chase/Eliminated/On Bubble" graphics on the TNT Scoring Crawl.
10:1 Kevin Harvick will be thrown off the track for featuring "Barenaked Ladies" on his car hood.
50:1 Kevin Harvick will be thrown off the track for featuring "Barenaked Spencer" on his deck lid.


Special Guest Columnist

Ed. Note: Our trusty columnist/webmaster/caterer, Mike Mackler, is finishing up a stretch of 19 days without a day off at work. Currently confined to a room lined with unsold Bobby Labonte merchandise, he is unable to write an article today. Instead, here is The Outside Groove's official guest columnist, Ken Squire:

Folks, let me tell ya, this Chase thing is no good for the sport. Back when I was on TV we raced the entire season for a championship, not just for a playoff! And back when I was a boy, only two baseball teams went to the postseason! Can you believe that a team with a losing record might win the NL Wild Card? Every minute I turn on ESPN its poker, poker, poker! What's next, a televised NFL Draft?!?
What was I saying? Oh yes--in 1990, at Daytona, seeing The Intimidator Dale Jarrett, with a chance to finally win the 500, only to blow a tire and be passed by Derrike Cope, I tell ya--you can't script that. Just like these reality shows all over the TV. Why are there seven networks now? I grew up with three and we were grateful! And can you believe they're letting women vote now!

Mike will return tomorrow.


The Simmons Situation

For about six years now, I've read every article ever written by Bill Simmons, aka The Sports Guy, of (well, except the Celtics ones). Not surprisingly, Bill never discusses Nascar, mostly because:
a.) He's from the northeast
b.) He went to prep school (prep for what? making Karate Kid references?)
c.) He is infatuated with west-coast rap
Generally those three things, when put together, don't make a Nascar fan (all of us REAL fans are Big Daddy Kane lovers, anyways).
Today, however, The Sports Guy made a bonafide Nascar remark in his 2006 NFL preview. Observe:

"...the Redskins (invested) in two free agent receivers and an expensive offensive coordinator to go with their expensive gamebreakers, only they're going with a washed-up Mark Brunell at QB again. How does that make sense? Does Joe Gibbs do this with NASCAR, too? Does he spend a ton of money on his cars and pit crews, then find the most mediocre drivers possible?"



YouTube Bomber

Last night I did some searching on the fabulous website YouTube to see what I could find. Here are my results (and yes, I was disappointed that Michael Waltrip featured so promenantly too):

Zerex Commercial--Alan Kulwicki and Rusty Wallace: Great old-school commercial featuring two great friends. Also features a rare on-camera appearence of Rusty's blonde perm.

Darlington--Craven vs. Busch: After seeing this, you'll be glad they finally did away with Darlington, which always gave us boring finishes like these. (Note--am I the only one who thinks Ricky won because of the longer Grand Prix nose?)

New Hampshire--Mikey vs. Robby: (Warning--profanity) Aside from being a great moment in my time as a Nascar fan, you've got to appreciate Michael's "Well that's just RUDE, it was his fault!"

Daytona Busch Series--Mike Wallace Shines Triumphant: Probably the best example of Darrell Waltrip's, uh, "impartiality".

Bristol--The "Michael Waltrip Wreck": Notice how, despite describing a horrific wreck, Bob Jenkins' voice doesn't change at all. I get the idea he could be announcing with a wolf gnawing off his leg and it wouldn't bother him. This was easily the scariest wreck of all time, until...

Bristol--The "Mike Harmon Wreck": The fact that he wasn't hurt still surprises me.

Spending the Day with Michael Waltrip (a short film): (Warning--profanity) I still can't figure out what to make of this--let me know if you can.


NFL on Fox on Nascar

A bizarre scene took place on a recent preseason presentation of the NFL on Fox pregame show. Lets take a look:

Joe Buck: OK, Howie, enough about Firestorm. Now Terry, the Giants enter this season with high expectations in a TOUGH division. How much progress are you expecting out of Eli Manning?

Terry Bradshaw: Let me tell you this, Armando--I am LEAVING that team at the end of the year! We ain't won nothin' since DAY ONE--Clay Andrews won a race before us! CLAY ANDREWS!!! I listened to your advice over and over--NOBODY worked out! Kerry Earnhardt didn't work out, Casey Atwood didn't work out, David Stremme didn't work out, Tracy Hines didn't work out, Sterling Marlin didn't work out, and Timmy Fedewa SURE didn't work out. I'm through with you, Fitz--and I'm takin' Flip Flippen with me!



Hamming it Up

Today's episode of Nascar RaceDay featured an interview with Denny Hamlin, conducted in his house. What surprised me was that, on the computer screen in the background, one could see an AOL Instant Messenger "Sign On" window. Lets take a look at the conversation that followed:

JJYMan: Sup?
Hammer11: Hey man
JJYMan: Y weren't u signed on
Hammer11: Had an inteview with Speed
JJYMan: Did they send that Venturini chick?
Hammer11: Yeah man ;)
JJYMan: Didja give 'er the "FedEx Freight"?
Hammer11: Hahahaha
JJYMan: j/k of course
JJYMan: did u see the Busch race last night?
Hammer11: Dude, I was in it
JJYMan: Right, I took a pretty hard likc there
Hammer11: Hurt any?
JJYMan: Still kinda sore
Hammer11: Does your soulpatch hurt?
JJYMan: NIce try Hammy
Hammer11: :P
JJYMan: I forgot to tell u--Tony's lettin me use his Hearse next week
Hammer11: Cool
JJYMan: Yeah I'm gonna take it downtown to the club
Hammer11: Dont't let the boss know
Hammer11: Oh right he's in Washington
JJYMan: Shoot gotta go, Boniva guys are here
Hammer11: Seeya
Hammer11: :)


You Pitch It, I Write It

After a long break, the contest returns! The idea is simple--respond with a comment to this article with your idea for an article. Then, I'll choose the best one and write a full article on it. Winner gets nothing beyond seeing their idea get the full Maryland Public School Writing Prompt treatment. Sorry--no Derrike Cope articles, please.


California "News" and Notes

Mark Martin has announced that he will NOT drive the 6 car in 2007. In other news, Mark Martin is rumored to be running the 6 car in 2007.

Sports Illustrated wrote a blurb about F1 driver Jacques Villeneuve running some Nascar races in the near future. Apparently they've started reading Jayski's archives...from 1997.

Tomorrow Kyle Busch is inducted into the California Speedway Walk of Fame. His plaque will be displayed next to sales associate Al Blanche, who had a perfect attendence record for almost four years, and a hamburger stand menu.

A.J. Allmendinger has reported tested a Toyota truck at Richmond. Now, I'll admit that I've been pretty hard on CART in the past. However, I'd love to see Mr. Allmendinger come to Nascar. Not because of his abilities, but just because of his name.

If you're wondering, yes--I did have to copy and paste "Villeneuve" and "Allmendinger".

Tony Stewart wrecked again in a non-Nascar race this week, suffering a mild concussion in a dirt-track race. For those of you unfamiliar with Nascar, this is the equivalent to letting your star NFL quarterback play flag football in the street on Tuesdays.

4:1 Someone will acknowledge this as "Football Fan's Annual Farewell to Nascar"
8:1 A fight will break out between two drivers.
20:1 A fight will break out between the Crips, Bloods, and the dreaded Mears Gang.