BREAKING NEWS--Tony Stewart Fired

In keeping with an obscure clause in his contract, Joe Gibbs Racing has released driver Tony Stewart from his racing commitments to the team, effective immediately.
Earlier this year, Stewart was quoted by the AP as saying that he should be fired if he doesn't make the chase. While this was thought at the time to simply be a show of confidence, it actually reflected a legitimate part of his racing contract with Gibbs.
"We didn't want to put it in the contract, but hey, Tony insisted. However, we believe that he might have been under the influence of Stacker 2 at the time", explained Joe Gibbs Racing spokesman Mr. Fast Past, aka Clinton Portis.
Upon closer examination, the contract, in fact, does contain the clause in question. It states the following:
Article 7a (i) Whereas Tony Stewart is considered to be a Nascar "Superstar", and is a business partner with Nascar owner Brian France, he shall be released immediately if he does not qualify for any post-season tournament.
Gibbs officials are scurrying to find a replacement driver for the 20 car. Current front runners are Jimmy Means, Brad Teague, and Gary Bradberry.
Stewart was unavailable for comment, as he was busy beating his thumb bloody with a hammer.