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The Outside Groove Sells Out

If you'll look to your right, you'll see ads for Google Adsense. That's my way of trying to recoup my domain name cost, and if I make some more $$$, so be it. I mean, sponsorships? In Nascar?!? Who's ever heard of such a thing!
Right below those ads is a brand spankin' new "donate" button. Keep in mind that these donations go to no noble cause, no charity, just me. That's right, I've taken a page from Carl Long, only in this case I'm not running a race team, I'm "running" a website.
Well...this post looks kinda short...uh, Michael Waltrip has alot of sponsors...Kenny Wallace laughs me, tomorrow's post will be better.


Beyond Thirty Five

How the drivers out of the top 35 in points fared at the giant yawnfest

Mike Wallace (finished 25th)--Think they'll run a special paint scheme for the movie "Lucas" when its released on DVD?
John Andretti (29th)--Ah, ppc racing--the e e cummings of race teams (yeah, so I took AP English, what's it to ya?)
Kevin Lepage (31st)--Looks like they've been pocketing that Daytona money. In the long run, that's probably the right thing to do.
Robby Gordon (35th)--Nice to see a guy not motivated by money. And its a good thing he isn't.
Terry Labonte (36th)--Don't know what his reaction was, but I'm guessing that there wasn't one.
Jason Leffler (37th)--Its gonna be a long year for this short man.
Randy LaJoie (42nd)--The power of the beard.
Bill Elliott (43rd)--Sadly, Bill was tickled to death last night.


Jayski's Rumor Template

Replace the parenthesis with your favorite Nascar personalities!
(marginally successful driver) to (conglomerate owner)? UPDATE 2 Hearing that (driver) has been talking to (owner) about a possible ride in 200(6/7). Don't know how this could happen, since (driver) is signed through (3005/6).
UPDATE: There appears to be some truth to the rumor of (driver) heading to (owner) next season. Supposively (driver) has been very displeased with (driver's current owner). However (current owner) will reported hold (driver) to his contract.
UPDATE 2 nope: Talk of (driver) heading to (owner's team) next year are just that--talk. Supposively (new owner's sponsor) is committed to (Michael Waltrip).


California "News" and Notes

--Last week's win was Jeff Gordon's 70th in Cup. That puts him 6behind Dale Earnhardt, and at risk to have FULL beer cans thrown athim if he gets number 77 at Talladega. (info supplied by Al Mackler)
--There was a theory that every odd year Kevin Harvick runs that well. That theory is false.
--Pillsbury was said to be in the running to sponsor this week's race, as cookie dough typically goes along with cookie cutters.
--Several fans have nicknamed the Fontana track "Fonty". This haslead to the many birds who frequent the infield to be renamed the Fonty Flock.
--Scott Riggs started off the year with a strong run at Daytona. This week drivers plan an intervention to stop his addiction to strange facial hair.
--Speaking of Scott Riggs, Kenny Wallace realized that his haulers are the "Riggs Rigs". He plans on telling this to Scott, his crew, and the entire tv audience ASAP.
3:1 Fox will play "Goin back to Cali" by LL Cool J at some time during the race
10:1 Travis Kvapil will realize that people keel calling him "Brendan"
50:1 Someone will figure out what WinFuel is


Kasey Kahne Endures Sophmore Slump

In an occurrance deemed "unavoidable" by many experts, Kasey Kahne has been suffering from the dreaded "sophmore slump" that plagues so many successful rookies in their second year.
"Judging by Kasey's performance in 2005, you'd be hard pressed to say that its been up to par, much less an improvement", said Baltimore Post Nascar writer Scott Wiltson. "He's currently 23rd in the points--how can you call that a great year? And lets not forget the fact that he has yet to win in the Nextel Cup Series."
Kahne, who disappointed the entire Nascar fanbase by missing last year's Chase for the Cup, has fallen back 10 spaces from last year's points finish to 23rd. Despite increased experience, factory support, and special paint schemes, he has yet to live up the potential imparted on him.
Wiltson went on to explain that "...Kasey needs to realize that he can't keep this up. He's already failed in 2005, so he'd better improve for 2006. Nascar drivers should remember the fact that winning isn't a privelege, its a requirement".
Kahne was modeling surfwear at press time and had no comment for this story. However, he did issue a brief press release stating, "This is why everyone hates sports writers."


Bill Lester Speaks out Against anti-CEO Prejudice

Bill Lester is a rare vision on the Craftsman Truck Series. In fact, he's a minority in Nascar as a whole. He is the only one of his kind there. He's the only former CEO.
"Former CEOs, and current CEOs for that matter, have a difficult time succeeding in the racing world" Lester explained in an exclusive interview granted to The Outside Groove. "Nascar has yet to reach out to the business community for drivers, much less the executives."
Lester points to a dearth of Nascar stars with any business background, as well as a "good old boy" network that prevents the businessworld's best and brightest from getting their racing starts. Moreover, the few "token chances" given to CEOs are in non-competitive rides.
"People like me, people with my net-worth and my experience in the boardroom, have a hard road ahead of us. CEOs have been able to succeed in several sports, but not racing. I mean, its been over 50 years since Chock Full O'Nuts executive Jackie Robinson broke the business barrier in baseball, and Nascar still has so far to go."


Its here!

The Outside Groove Headline Contest—WINNER!
Thanks to everyone who entered. The wiener is Brian (aka Lowes 48 Racing) for this gem:
Brian France and Gary Bettman. Separated at birth?

Gary Bettman locked out the NHL players this fall. Brian France locked himself out of his Brentwood mansion seven times. Coincidence?

Gary Bettman was brought over from the NBA. Brian France, as a teenager, wished he was a member of NWA. Coincidence?

Gary Bettman has pushed for a shrinking of the number of NHL franchises. Brian France has pushed for a shrinking of Mike Helton’s waistline. Coincidence?

Gary Bettman shut down the entire 2004-05 season for “the good of the sport”. Brian France shut down Rockingham for “the good of Francis Ferko”. Coincidence?

Gary Bettman runs a league that’s 95% white. Brian France runs a league that’s 100% white (unless you count Bill Lester and the pit crew coaches). Coincidence, or a serious problem?


A very special "Weird Mike" Mackler's Music Theater

After Sunday's inspiring run, here's a tribute to Kevin Lepage, in the form of R. Kelly's "I Believe I can Fly"

I used to think that nobody else cared
My skills were softer than a Vermont bear
But now I know that dreams they can come true
With liquor and a wreck, my chances grew

If I can draft it, then I can pass it
If I just can make it, they’ll never shake it

I believe I can race
I believe I can set the pace
I think about it when I’m in the car
Top the ten and be a star
I believe I’ll contend
Without an engine, man its just pretend
I believe I can race
I believe I can race
I believe I can race

It seemed that my career had broken down
I’d fallen in with that field filler crowd
I guess some things grow better with the age
I’m starting the legend of Kev LePAAAAGE!, oh, oh

If I can draft it, then I can pass it
If I just can make it, they’ll never shake it

I believe I can race
I believe I can set the pace
I think about it when I’m in the car
Top the ten and be a star
I believe I’ll contend
Without an engine, man its just pretend
I believe I can race
I believe I can race
I believe I can race

Hey, man who needs TV Guide, ohhhhh ooh oh ooh oh

If I can draft it, then I can pass it
If I just can make it, they’ll never shake it

I believe I can race
I believe I can set the pace
I think about it when I’m in the car
Top the ten and be a star
I believe I’ll contend
Without an engine, man its just pretend
I believe I can race
I believe I can race
I believe I can race

Hey, if I you’ll just SPONSOR MEEEE
I can race
I can race
I can race, hey
My name is French for “the page”
I can raaaaaaaaaaaaaaace

Tomorrow--the content winner (and article)...revealed!


Beyond Thirty Five…Alive!

With Nacar’s new qualifying system, the drivers in the top 35 of the points are guaranteed a starting spot, and pretty much gobble up the media coverage. As a public service to the Nascar community, The Outside Groove starts a weekly look at the drivers who race their way in, going for the only thing that really matters in the world: money.
(Listed in order of finish…of course)
Kevin Lepage—finished 9th
Boris Said—27th
--Maybe this will make people forget that he once compared a race official to Saddam Hussein.
Mike Skinner—30th
--C’mon Jeanne, this is Mike’s highlight of the season—why’d you have to cut him off in your interview? Oh, right—because he sucks.
John Andretti—31st
--Ever notice that John always looks like he’s expecting someone to jump out in front of him and scream?
Martin Truex, Jr.—34th
--The goateed bandit returns!
Jason Leffler—36th
--The biggest thing to hit FedEx since Castaway.
Kenny Wallace—40th
--So focused that he limited his pre-race hosting duties to one hour
Mike Wallace—41st
--Its gonna be a lonnnnnnnng year. Again.


Headlines from Hell--The Return

--Gary Bettman Hired as Nascar Consultant

--Fontana to Host Nascar Slam Dunk Contest

--Ward Burton Hired as Announcer

--Restrictor Plates Institued at Watkins Glen, Infineon

--Terry Labonte's Souvenier Trailer not Selling to Anyone Under 41

--Kirk Shelmerdine Sells Dignity on Ebay

--Merger Results in Sprextel Cup

and finally...
--Ricky Rudd Achieves Immortality; Will Never Retire

Daytona 500 “News” and Notes

--Casey Mears learned a valuable lesson during testing last week—never, NEVER mess with whats-his-name.
--People are talking about the lack of DEI power. Well, when you lose John Andretti, what do you expect to happen?
--Though he isn’t telling anyone, Jason Leffler’s still peeved that he wasn’t included in the FedEx Super Bowl commercial.
--Kyle Petty was the fastest qualifying Dodge.
--No, seriously, Kyle Petty.
--Dale Jarrett’s pole position proves that you should never count out the drivers with the most money.
EVEN: Dale Earnhardt Jr. will refuse to draft with Michael Waltrip.
5:1 Ryan Newman, Elliott Sadler or Jeff Green will have a wreck you’ll see on NBC’s promo reels.200:1 Someone will figure out what an Arc Dehooker is


Kevin Harvick Sucks Fun out of Daytona

Despite long odds, arduous hours, and a less than compliant group of drivers, Kevin Harvick succeeded in making this Daytona 500 the least joyous ever.
"Happy" Harvick completed his task well ahead of schedule, wiping out most of the major feel-good stories from the Gatroade Duels. As a result, none of the fan favorites will have a chance of winning Sunday, assuring a boring, dull race for all.
"Its a great day for dour-lovers everywhere", a jubilent Harvick proclaimed after leaving Nascar's "oval office". "They said this year had lots of great plots--Rusty and Mark's last 500's, Petty Enterprises' resurgence, even my own teammate debuting his new sponsor. Well now, I'm proud to say, the fun is GONE!"
It is unknown how Fox will compensate for the utter lack of compelling storylines on Sunday. Those being considered are a roundtable discussion on Mike Joy's "Statutory Grape" comment at the Shootout and a long-form piece on Chris Meyers' hair.
When informed that independent Kevin Lepage had finished 3rd in the Gatorade Duels, Harvick ran to put a severed Vermont Teddy Bear head in Lepage's car.


Terry Labonte—the Definitive Interview

Terry on racing: “Its fun”

Terry on tires: “They’re important”

Terry on his brother Bobby: “He’s a great guy”

Terry on Jeff Gordon: “He wins a lot”

Terry on the Chase: “Its new”

Terry on Kellogg’s Corn Flakes: “They taste good”

Terry on Chevy: “They do a good job”

Terry on Rick Hendrick: “He’s my boss”

Terry on The Outside Groove: “What?”

Terry on Terry: “Stop wasting my time”


Gatorade Duels "News" and Notes

--There was no preview for the Budweiser Shootout because, last time I checked, nobody cared.
--Earlier this week, Kenny Wallace realized that a fight between Kurt and Kyle Busch would be a "Busch Clash". He's mentioned this fact approximately 56 times.
--Jimmy Spencer (on site trying to revive his Nascar Scene column) is devastated that he wasn't picked for Ray Evernham's "Hungry Drivers" program.
--"Front Row" Joe Nemechek was cheered on by teammate "Middle of the Pack" Scott Riggs
-- No word on if any driver will run a special paint scheme for the TV movie "Duel".
--Recently, Bill Elliott ran a retro Coors car for Chip Ganassi. The number, 39, refers to the
mandatory retirement age Brian France wishes to impose on Nascar.
--It was recently announced that Brian Vickers has signed Ore-Ida as an associate sponsor. His cars will now be equipped with a device that adds freezer-burn to the paint after a few weeks.
2:1 Robby Gordon runs the wrong paint scheme by mistake
10:1 Mark Martin slaps Rusty Wallace over the head for being a "louder
mouth than usual"
100:1 Geoffery Bodine will finish out of last place


Hermie Sadler Explains his Sponsorship

OK, so here’s how it happened. I went into the gym, you see, ‘cause I wanted to stay in shape in case Larry Gunselman called. So I apply for the membership, see, and it turns out that the guy taking my information is the marketing director for the company! Isn’t that great! Their marketing director has enough time to come down and meet a celebrity like me!
So anyways, me and the marketing guy (Bob…he’s really cool) start talkin’ about racing…get this: seems like he put together the Nebraska Cornhuskers deal for Lake Speed AND all the Big Daddy’s sponsorships! Man, whatta resume! So he talks about how he has some money left in his budget for 2004, and he’s lookin’ to put it into a “high risk venture” for ’05. Hey—what’s more risky than a single car Nascar team?
So we keep talkin’, and before I knew it, we had a deal! But it gets better. The owner comes out of the back (I think he was vacuuming) and talks to me about BUYING the team! Well, I know a good deal when I see it. We threw together some informal contracts (who needs lawyers anyways?) and now he owns most of the team. ‘Course, I still held on to a little part of it, my wife keeps telling me about a retirement fund. That counts, doesn’t it?
So that’s how it happened. Oh, and Bryant Stith says I owe him $450,000—he’s such a joker!

Tonight's the last night for the contest--get your entries in before 9am tomorrow morning!


A Valentine’s Day Song by Brian France

Here's the Beatles classic, done by everyone's favorite CEO

There’s nothing you can dream that can’t be done.
There’s no car in the world that can’t be run.
Everyone’s in the game (have you bid for the new hall of fame?)
It's easy.
There’s nothing you can want that can’t be sold.
There’s nobody too young, there’s just too old.
Nobody’s excluded as long as you brought what I told you to bring
It's easy.
All you need is cash, all you need is cash,
All you need is cash, cash, cash is all you need.
Cash, cash, cash…cash, cash, cash…cash, cash, cash.
All you need is cash, all you need is cash,
All you need is cash, cash, cash is all you need.
Anyone can watch for 90 clams.
Or watch 900 commercials with product slams.
The sport’s still the same (hey really, apply to host the hall of fame).
It's easy.
All you need is cash, all you need is cash,
All you need is cash, cash, cash is all you need.
All you need is cash (for the owners now)
All you need is cash (and my family)
All you need is cash, cash, cash is all you need.

Tonight's the last night to enter the headline contest--get your emails in by midnight!


RCR to run “Hotel Rwanda” Cars at Las Vegas

As part of the movie industry’s continuing efforts to market their films through Nascar racing programs, United Artists has announced that they will sponsor two cars with special “Hotel Rwanda” paint schemes.
The cars, driven by Kevin Harvick and Dave Blaney, will run at Las Vegas later this month. Each will carry a special paint scheme promoting the movie; Harvick running a car plastered in the movie’s poster, and Blaney running with Don Cheadle’s face on the hood.
“This is a glorious day, both for those who suffered so greatly in the Rwandan Civil War, and for our sponsors, GM and Jack Daniels”, announced team owner Richard Childress in a press conference earlier today. “While thousands lost their lives in a scourge of needless bloodshed, they will be honored with the greatest memorial of all—die-cast.”
The movie, or as most people are calling it, “film”, is betting that the Nascar promotion will draw in the “Nascar dad” demographic to the movie, which opens nationwide in March. Such a strategy has already worked for “Pooh’s Heffalump Movie”, which sponsored Brian Vickers in the Bud Shootout.
As part of the cross-promotional marketing plan, actor (and part-time driver) Jamie McMurray will have a small part as “reporter #4” in the upcoming sequel “Hotel Rwanda II—Revenge of the Hutus”.


"Weird Mike" Mackler's Music Theater Returns!

Back in the late 80's, music died. As a result, an accapella song reached number one. That song was "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFarren. Now, here's a Nascar version, and like the original, there's no instruments involved:

Don't Worry, Be Happy by Your Average Field Filler

Here's a little song I copied down
It might just be slowin to your town
Don't Worry – Make Money
Every team always has some trouble
But when you race to win, it just costs double
Don't Worry – Make Money
Ain’t got no sponsor for the team this week,
‘Cause Nascar wouldn’t let you plug for Sheik
Don't Worry – Make Money
You made the race but what to do?
Your dog and your wife are your whole pit crew
Don't Worry – Make Money
Sure you make thousands when ya do the math,
Butcha gotta pay for your own aut-o-graph
Don't Worry – Make Money
Nothing really worked out like it should
But at least be thankful you’re not Casey Atwood
Don't Worry – Make Money

Remember to enter The Outside Groove's Headline Contest! (Details Below)


The Outside Groove’s 2005 Busch Series “Preview”

Part III of a III Part "Series"

44 Justin Labonte U.S. Coast Guard
--Every night, there Justin is, guarding the North Carolina coast. Just another reminder to read the fine print on contracts.
47 Jon Wood Clorox
--I’ve never had to knock Jon Wood, but I know someone who has, and I heard it isn’t good (that’s the impression that I get).
49 Steve Grissom
--Man, that 49 is SUCH a successful number, isn’t it?
50 Christi Passmore
--More like pass LESS.
52 Donnie Neuenberger
--The greatest driver from my home state (that’s not a joke, it’s a fact).
58 Brent Sherman Serta
--Sheep not included.
59 Stacy Compton Kingsford / Johnsonville
--Car looks like a shopping list for a summer barbeque.
60 Carl Edwards Charter Communications
--Yeah, lets see him flip after 60 races in 5 months.
64 Rusty’s Posse Miller High Life / Top Flite
--(in commercial’s narrator’s voice) Good going, Rusty. You’ve gotten everyone you’ve ever pissed off driving your car. Now just put Ryan Newman in the mix, and you’ll really be living…the high life.
66 Greg Biffle / Aaron Fike Duraflame / Royal Office Products / U.S. Postal Service
--Good thing they used the Lance Armstrong money wisely.
77 Brad Teague
--Nascar’s very own grumpy old man!
90 Elliott Sadler/Dale Jarrett Citi Financial
--Continuing the great tradition of Junie Donleavy.
99 Michael Waltrip Aaron's / Bryan / Domino's / Jackson Hewitt / the list goes on
--Good thing Mikey’s Cup ride’s not in trouble.


The Outside Groove’s 2005 Busch Series “Preview”

21 Kevin Harvick / Brandon Miller Reese's
--Hey, your Harvick’s in our Busch Series! No, your Busch Series is in our Harvick!
22 Kenny Wallace Stacker 2
--Year after year, ride after ride, he continues to soar beneath the pack.
24 Kim Crosby Boudreaux's Butt Paste (seriously)
--No, seriously
25 Ashton Lewis, Jr. Team Marines
--Wasn’t it against the law to root against him last year?
27 David Green Kleenex
--Why doesn’t he just move up to Cup? (Oh, wait, he has)
28 Derrike Cope Advil Liqui-Gels
--The Cope-atorium is still in effect.
31 Dave Blaney Whelen
--Sound the alarms—Blaney’s got two good rides next year!
32 Shane Hmiel TrimSpa
--Or, as the dumb people call him, Shane H-meel.
33 Tony Raines / Tony Stewart / Ron Hornaday Outdoor Channel / Yard-Man / Action
--“He’s a maaaan, such a maaaan, he’s a maaaan, real Yard Man.”
34 Randy LaJoie Dollar General
--Translated from French, his name is Randy The Joie.
35 Jason Keller McDonald's
--Still no mustache? That ain’t right.
38 Tyler Walker / Kasey Kahne Great Clips
--They’ve got Shmuck up their sleeves.
39 Tina Gordon (maybe) Yahoo!
--Not as good as the Google sponsorship, but whatcha gonna do?
40 Sterling Marlin / Scott Lagasse Jr. Cottman Transmissions / Jani-King
41 Reed Sorenson Discount Tire
--Apparently this guy’s pretty good, despite the uppity first name.
43 A.J. Fike / Jeff Green Channellock/Curb
--Mike Curb went from Dale Earnhardt to A.J. Fike. Marvelous.

Tomorrow—the rest of them


The Outside Groove’s 2005 Busch Series “Preview” Part I

Some people (ok, one) have asked for a Busch Series preview. Unfortunately, I don’t follow the Busch Series as closely in the off-season as closely as the 14 experts who do. Instead, there’s no rankings here, they’re just listed in numerical order. Enjoy!

1 Johnny Sauter Yellow Transportation/Indian Casino nobody can spell
--Proof that non-deserved second chances CAN happen.
2 Clint Bowyer AC Delco
--World’s greatest driver named Clint.
4 Ryan Hemphill GEICO
--Insert pot joke here
5 Blake Feese / Boston Reid / Kyle Busch Lowes
--What does this team wear on race days? The Feese Fleece. What do they use on fishing trips? The Reid Reed. What beer do they drink? Amstel.
6 Paul Wolfe et al Hungry Drivers
--Who will earn the privilege of driving an insanely garish car?
8 Martin Truex, Jr. Bass Pro Shops
--He’s the future Steve Park.
9 Mark Martin / Matt Kenseth Pennzoil
--Nascar’s most boring drivers united—will they use it for good or for evil?
10 Michel Jourdain Nike, Ball Park Franks, Hanes, Gatorade, McDonalds
--Be like Mike
11 Paul Menard Menard's
--Mikey’s jealous that Junior’s spending all his free time with Paul now.
12 Tim Fedewa Supercuts / Hot Tamales
--Ok, explain it to me again, WHY does he have a ride?
14 David Stremme US Navy
--From bad team to slightly less bad team
17 Matt Kenseth Waste Management
--Time to take out the trash--metaphorically
18 J.J. Yeley Vigoro / Home Depot
--Shouldn’t Ryan Hemphill be driving the grass car?
20 Denny Hamlin Rockwell Automation
--“You know what, honey? After watching that Rockwell Automation car run so good, I think I’m finally gonna buy that missile propulsion system.”

Tomorrow, Numbers 21-43


The First Ever The Outside Groove Reader CONTEST!!!

YOU Write the Headline--I Write the Article
AKA Mike's Lazy-thon

That's right, its time for the first contest I've ever run here. Here's how it works--you send me a headline--it could be funny, oddball, or even real, and I'll pick the best one. The winner gets to see a full bodied article with their idea, and the next best couple will be put into a special "Headlines" column. As an added bonus, the winner will also get a free Gmail invite! The only rules are these:
--Headline must be 10 words or less
--No heavy profanity or racial/ethnic jokes
--You can enter multiple times, but go easy on the emails
--Remember, once I get it, I'll write the article. So if you don't like my article, tough
The deadline is a week from tonight--lets call it midnight February 14th. Email them to (my normal account on the side of the page). Remember to be creative and be funny.
Good luck!

Tomorrow--first part of my three-part Busch Series preview


Action Acquires Jeff Gordon's Soul

Continuing the company's remarkable comeback from ruin, Action Racing Collectables announced today that it had purchased exclusive marketing rights to the soul of Nascar Superstar Jeff Gordon.
"We've been in the market for souls for a long time now", Action CEO, Founder, and Swami Fred Wagenhaus said in a press conference yesterday. "Jeff's obviously one of Nascar's biggest stars, and we believe that the ability to actively promote and distribute his soul will bring our company closer to breaking even than ever before!"
Wagenhaus outlined an ambitious marketing plan to promote the latest acquisition. An upscale line of 1/24 diecast cars, labeled the "Platinum Elite Super Duper Fancy Pants Series" will include a limited edition race-used portion of Gordon's soul. Replicas of Gordon's soul will also be available through Action's exclusive group of authorized dealers, and through eBay several days later.
Gordon (who was unavailable for comment, as he is now trapped in eternal limbo) is just the latest big-time grab for Action, which recently acquired the goatee of Dale Earnhardt Jr. Action also has the promotional rights for Bobby Labonte's hair, John Force's charm, and about 10,000 overstock Dale Earnhardt K-2 pink cars.
Not to be outdone, Team Caliber has promised a better, more expensive version of the soul of Kurt Busch.


Headlines From Hell

Kenny Wallace, Michael Waltrip to join NBC booth

Jarrett/Madden Commercial WASN'T a Joke, Album Drops Feb. 22

Nascar Allows Cocaine, Heroin Sponsorships

Rusty Holding Breath Till Newman Apoligizes

France Announces Races 17-26 to be "Chase for the Chase for the Cup"

Nascar Introduces Track Template--1.5 Miles, Low Banking

Stewart Donates $50,000 to Photographer he Punched

and finally...
Bristol Loses Cup Dates to Kansas City, Chicago



…And the Rest

00-Kenny Wallace
--Has completed metamorphosis to “loveable funny guy” from “guy who never stopped complaining about Filbert Marcotti”.
09-Johnny Sauter
--look at the number (09)…look at the sponsor (an Indian casino)…look at the pit crew (isn’t there)…yep, even this team’s too good for a Sauter—bring us Gary Bradberry!
1-Martin Truex Jr
--Martin joins Jason Varitek in the “Last names that sound like DuPont products” Hall of Fame.
--If a team stops running, and nobody’s around to care, does it make a sound?
33-Kerry Earnhardt
--This year, Kerry Earnhardt and Casey Atwood band together for truth, justice, and to get their back pay from Terry Bradshaw IN…The Repo Men!
36-Boris Said
--No, Centrix is a financial services firm, not a Viagra knockoff.
37-Kevin Lepage
--Remember when Kevin was sponsored by the Vermont Teddy Bear company?
44-Terry Labonte
--Terry is thinking of suing Hank Hill for stealing his life.
--Ironic that a team sponsored by Marathon would be gone in a few months.
55-Derrike Cope
--WARNING-A Cope-atorium is in effect in order to limit the jokes about Derrike Cope made by the author.
73 Eric McClure
--I can learn!
80-Stan Hover
--Does this team actually exist?
91-Bill Elliott (also 39)
--Amazing to see how much the sport’s changed since Bill started racing…oh, except for the whole no minorities thing.
--GIC, not to be confused with BIC, DIC, or an actual race team.
94-Who cares?
--I got a feeling—THIS is Stanton Barrett’s year.

Tomorrow--back to regular articles



41-45: Fill that field

41. 72-Kirk Shelmerdine
The Case For: Was a champion…crew chief.
The Case Against: Actually auctioning off sponsorship space on eBay (this is not a joke).
Fun Fact: Sad but true—Freddie B’s does not actually exist. Kirk just wanted it to seem like he has an associate sponsor.

42. 89-Morgan Shepherd
The Case For: Has the almighty on his side…Steve Waid.
The Case Against: Older than Darlington (look it up!)
Fun Fact: Morgan’s old sponsor, Carter’s Royal Dispose-all, makes for a great put-down: “Man, that guy’s a real Carter’s Royal Dispose-all!”

43. 50-Jimmy Spencer
The Case For: Used to be successful.
The Case Against: Has run through more jobs than Mike Keenan.
Fun Fact: When you’re taking over for Derrike Cope, something’s seriously wrong.

44. 34-Randy LaJoie
The Case For: Uhhh…
The Case Against: Just about everything.
Fun Fact: From an unsuccessful part-time Busch schedule to a full-time Cup ride? Field Fillers—how bad have YOU got it?

45. 13-Greg Sacks
The Case For: None of the above.
The Case Against: Splitting this team up was like a divorce hearing over a Yugo.
Fun Fact: Career highlights—cameo in “Days of Thunder”…that’s it.

Tomorrow—clear the bench, its everyone else.



36-40: Stupid new qualifying format!

36. 43-Jeff Green
The Case For: He’s the most talented Green family member.
The Case Against: The above statement is like being the best NAIA punter.
Fun Fact: Someone should tell Richard that Yellow and Petty Blue don’t mix.

37. 45-Kyle Petty
The Case For: Actually made Tony Stewart seem like a decent guy.
The Case Against: Wow, nice guys really DO finish last.
Fun Fact: Kyle’s ponytail is on steroids. Want proof? It used to be a rat-tail.

38. 49-Ken Schrader
The Case For: Will race anytime, anything, anywhere.
The Case Against: Will win no time, nothing, no where.
Fun Fact: After threats of legal action, no longer yells “BAM!” in people’s ears.

39. 4-Mike Wallace
The Case For: This one time, he finished second in a cup race.
The Case Against: Team is no longer a powerhouse. And when it was, it only won about twice a year.
Fun Fact: Has to deal with having both Rusty AND Kenny as brothers. Yikes.

40. 66-Hermie Sadler
The Case For: Team may or may not be owned by John Basedow.
The Case Against: Does Big Daddy’s mean anything to you?
Fun Fact: Vegas puts odds at 3-1 that this team will be out of business by Chicago.

Tomorrow—spots 41-45.



31-35: Excuses included at no extra charge

31. 5-Kyle Busch
The Case For: Instantly becomes most successful Kyle in Nascar.
The Case Against: Hendrick has about 60 people waiting in the wings to take his place.
Fun Fact: Poised to be this generation’s Dan McGwire! (early 90’s Seahawks fans will LOVE this joke).

32. 14-John Andretti
The Case For: Apparently the kid who designed the car got an A+.
The Case Against: Single car teams? They’re SO 1992.
Fun Fact: John believes in tradition, such as promoting tobacco products and driving a butt-ugly car.

33. 32-Bobby Hamilton Jr.
The Case For: World’s smallest driver!
The Case Against: Looks like a 6 year old.
Fun Fact: Hopefully he stops complaining about Cup drivers ruining his chances.

34. 77-Travis Kvapil
The Case For: Has a strong kvar.
The Case Against: We never got to hear Ward Burton say his name.
Fun Fact: Has 500 cans of Line-X in his basement.

35. 7-Robby Gordon
The Case For: 2 road courses? Double the fun for Mr. Robby!
The Case Against: Underwear and booze don’t mix.
Fun Fact: Robby is supremely focused this year. Nothing, and he means NOTHING will get in his way. (except the Indy 500).

Tomorrow—spots 36-40.