Kevin Harvick Sucks Fun out of Daytona

Despite long odds, arduous hours, and a less than compliant group of drivers, Kevin Harvick succeeded in making this Daytona 500 the least joyous ever.
"Happy" Harvick completed his task well ahead of schedule, wiping out most of the major feel-good stories from the Gatroade Duels. As a result, none of the fan favorites will have a chance of winning Sunday, assuring a boring, dull race for all.
"Its a great day for dour-lovers everywhere", a jubilent Harvick proclaimed after leaving Nascar's "oval office". "They said this year had lots of great plots--Rusty and Mark's last 500's, Petty Enterprises' resurgence, even my own teammate debuting his new sponsor. Well now, I'm proud to say, the fun is GONE!"
It is unknown how Fox will compensate for the utter lack of compelling storylines on Sunday. Those being considered are a roundtable discussion on Mike Joy's "Statutory Grape" comment at the Shootout and a long-form piece on Chris Meyers' hair.
When informed that independent Kevin Lepage had finished 3rd in the Gatorade Duels, Harvick ran to put a severed Vermont Teddy Bear head in Lepage's car.