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Daytona "News" and Notes

(early this week!)
--Daytona marks the traditional mid-point of the season, as well as the point when people start complaining about how long the season is.
--The Pepsi 400 has, perhaps, best become known by the nickname Larry McReynolds has given it: "The resTRICKter plate race on the FORTH of JOOOO-ly".
--NBC takes over this week, ensuring us lots of awkward moments as Alan Bestwick throws it back to Bill Weber.
--Kenny Wallace is partnering up with Bill Davis on Saturady night. Wow--an alliance of such heavyweights could only mean one thing--a 31st place finish.
--Last year featured the valiant battle of Jeff Gordon against the "red team", showing that Nascar really had run out of interesting stories at that point.

EVEN--Casey Mears and/or Ryan Newman will be involved in "the big one".
20:1--Anyone will attend "The Bad News Bears" because Jeremy Mayfield ran a special paint scheme for the movie.
50:1--Richard Petty will pick a fight with Parnelli Jones.


Days of Thunder--The Deluxe DVD Edition

Check out the all-new DVD release of Days of Thunder, featuring an interview with Cole Trickle himself, Tom Cruise! Just look at these tidbits:

"You don't know the history of traction control. I do."

" don't even -- you're glib. You don't even know what bump drafting is. If you start talking about aerodynamics, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how Dale Earnhardt came up with these theories, OK. That's what I've done."

"Look at the experimentation Chevrolet did with electric shock and drugging. Look at the ugly Lumina."

"Take responsibility for what you want to know... This is a conversation that I'm having with you right now. So I'm just telling you right now, OK, just put your manners back in--I'm not Tony Stewart here."

"Here is a driver, and I care about Billy Standridge because I think he is an incredibly talented driver. You look at, where has his career gone?"

So pick it up today, before the Super-Deluxe version comes out in 2006!


Summer Movie Preview PART II

Part I is below

The Dukes of Hazzard--A collection of low-grade actors try to emulate as many outmoded stereotypes of the "old South" as possible...for laughs!

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo--After his arrest for sabatoging the tires at the F1 race, Brian France tries to make good to the motorsports fans of Europe...any way possible.

The Skeleton Key--David Stremme tries to become even skinnier than he is now.

Four Brothers--The Sauter family story.

Supercross--SFX tries to convince Nascar fans that motocross is actually enjoyable to watch.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin--Can Jason Keller finally make it to the Cup Series? (

Romance and Cigarettes--Fans look back lovingly on the Winston Cup era, then are electroshocked by Nextel executives.


Summer Movie Preview PART I

If you saw the prerace for the Dodge/Save Mart/Big O Tires/Al's Crab Hut 350, you most likely saw Darrell Waltrip's bit comparing big Nascar events to big movies. You also thought it sucked (and included too many Fox-produced movies). Well, here's The Outside Groove's much-better version:

Bewitched--Jamie McMurray and Casey Mears cast a spell on Nascar owners to convince them that they're actually talented.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith--Bruton Smith's cloning experiment creates 20 more cookie-cutter tracks.

Land of the Dead--Former Nascar stars "rise from the dead" in the Truck Series.

Dark Water--Someone drinks from Daytona's Lake Lloyd, with terrifying results.

Fantastic Four--Larry McClure thinks back to the days when his team actually had a shot to win (or finish in the top 20 for cryin' out loud).

Murderball--F1 does everything possible to kill its chances in the US.

Last Days--Martin Truex Jr. plans his escape from the DEI compound.

Must Love Dogs--Ryan Newman's neverending quest for a teammate he can get along with.

Part II tomorrow


The Pits--Racing Genius

Go to and check out today's comic--Artist and The Outside Groove publisher emeritus Douglas Ladd has quite possibly the funniest thing that I've ever read. Just remember, Doug, Sterling is only losing this ride because, apparently, someone who's never one in the Busch series can do a better job. Nascar--how bad have you got it?


Sears Point/Sonoma/Infineon/Boringville "News" and Notes

--Several top teams--including the FedEx car and the Tide ride--are replacing their usual drivers with hired guns for this week's race. Why don't they do this for the restrictor plate races too? Because that would make SENSE, silly!
--Sears Point used to catch flak for being an under-maintained facility. However, after Bruton Smith bought it, he renovated the wazoo out of the track. Now, its only criticized for being such a freaking boring race.
--If Robby Gordon fails to qualify for this race, he'll drive a Menards screwdriver into his skull.
--Following in the tradition of "The Glen", this track is now known as "The 'On".
--I'll be missing this race to go to a party for my dad, proving that there is such a thing as great timing.
3:2 Kenny Wallace's laugh will measure a 2.3 on the richter scale
4:1 Ron Fellows will refer to Tony Stewart as a hoser.
50:1 Benny Parsons, when introduced for the 2nd half of the season, will avoid using "wow" and "unBElievable" in his spiel.


Dancing with the Nascar Stars

From Fox, the network that never found an idea that it couldn't rip off, its Dancing with the Nascar Stars--the hottest new reality tv series in prime time! Watch the top drivers of Nascar compete with professional dancers to win the ridicule of their peers! You'll see such Nascar-centric dance moves as:
Square dancing
Line dancing
Square dancing
Line dancing
Square dancing
Line dancing
and yes, even square dancing!
Plus, a special ballroom dancing demonstration by Michael "Fatback" McSwain!* So tune in for Dancing with the Nascar Stars...only on Fox!

*My mom's joke


Where does the money go?

A weakly-weekly look at how the sponsorship dollars for your favorite drivers are spent.

This week: Jeff Green

14% Pepto-Bismol to counter effects of Hamburger Helper.

36% Support costs in payments to 64 other Nascar-affiliated Green brothers.

9% Hate mail to Richard Childress.

14% Hate mail to Kevin Harvick.

15% Fashion advisor to find clothes that match with Petty blue and schoolbus yellow.

2% Chicken money (doubled).

8% Earplugs for Kyle Petty's country music performances.

0% Severance pay to John Andretti.


F1 Redux

After an incredibly boring Nascar Cup race this weekend, the onus of comedy fell on F1's US Grand Prix. Well, they came through with flying colors, with 7 teams (or 14 drivers) out of the field of 20 cars not running. Here's what you can expect:
--Every two-bit sports writer will come out with a column about how horrible F1's actions were, despite the fact that they haven't watched an F1 race since Phil Hill was active.
--You'll hear "this would never happen in Nascar" about 14 times. All of those articles will be framed in Mike Helton's office.
--This will be the most publicity Renault's got since the Alliance.
--CART will still be one of the crappiest race series around, with the IRL not far behind.
--If such a problem occurs during the Allstate 400 at the Brickyard (yes, that's its name now), expect Fatback McSwain to go on and on and on and on about how much Goodyear sucks.
--And finally, Michelin gives us yet another reason to hate the French.


Brian France Arrested for F1 sabotage

Nascar Chaiman and CEO Brian France was taken into custody yesterday in conjuction with the recent tire controversy at Indianapolis Motor Speeday.
The flap began before the US Grand Prix (which, upon further review, does exist) when several teams running Michelin tires experienced blowouts in turn 13. This was originally blamed on the banking in the turn. The 7 teams running Michelins refused to race, leaving fans to wonder why Michael Jordan owns a low-level F1 team.
Recent security footage, however, shows France, heir to the Nascar fortune, "soaking" the tires in question in a substance of some sort. It is believed that this is the cause of the tires coming apart. France's involvement in the recent spate of Nascar's tire failures is believed to be negligabe, instead the result of Goodyear's incompetence.
Motive has been placed on France as well, as he was feeling threatened by F1's attempt to capture the lucrative US market. It is believed that, if F1 had staged a successful race, legions of raceing* fans would've turned their allegiance to the snooty, stuck-up drivers of F1.
France is being held at Chris Webber Memorial Penatentary in greater Detroit, awaiting araignment. Reports have Bruton Smith dancing at the moment, but these reports have yet to be confirmed.

*Did YOU catch this error at the start of the race?


Live report from an alternate universe

Pit Reporter: "Mike, Speed Racer is on the pole for today's running of the Batman Begins 400, Speed, we've got some very cool weather here, how will that affect your handling?"

Speed: "The handing of the car cannot be stopped my father Pops Racer fixed it himself after all we need to win today's race if we don't win then we'll have no chance at the Chase and Trixie will be kidnapped by the Detriot Mafia hu-PAHH!"

Pit Reporter: "Uh...lets check in with the outside pole sitter today Racer X--X, you've been running a bit disappointing lately, can you change your luck today?"

Racer X: "I know that I might not win today, but I have to protect my brother Speed, who doesn't know that he's my brother because I ran away when I was 18..."

Pit Reporter: "X, you do know that the mike is on, right?"

Racer X: "Ah, crap."


Michigan "News" and Notes

--Expect Kenny Wallace to point out the fact that Goodyear "blew its chance" for a good Pocono race about 5 times.
--Finally, after years of lobbying, Nascar finally runs in New York--though the choice of Brooklyn is a bit odd.
--Marathon Gas recently signed a 12 race deal with Stuart Kirby. No word on the future of King De De De.
--Sunday's grand marshalls? Adam West and Burt Ward.
--Carl Edwards now has as many wins as Derrike Cope.

4:1 Mike Joy will laugh while describing the "excitement" of next week's race at Sonoma
10:1 Robby Gordon's Menards car (being run this week) will be made into a diecast car.
1,000:1 Robby Gordon's Menards car (being run this week) will be made into a diecast car that sells.


Another Weird Mike Mackler Music Theater Presentation

To the tune of "Holla Back Girl" by Gwen Stefani

The few times you've been around the track
You weren't too good and I can't respect that
'Cause I ain't no Dallenbach man,
I ain't no Dallenbach man.

I heard you say you wore your wife's underpants
And I didn't find it funny
People hear you talking like that, make 'em turn on MRN
Got fired from Petty and Hendrick
And Sabates and a dozen others
The only reason you're here anyway is you couldn't quite cut it in CART

The few times you've been around the track
You weren't too good and I can't respect that
'Cause I ain't no Dallenbach man,
I ain't no Dallenbach man.

Never see you in the pits, are you too good for it?
There's news goin' on but you ignore it
Always criticize the drivers, man, but you were barely one
Coulda hired Buddy or Dr. Dick
Hell, I'd even take Michael Waltrip
And you can't go back to a 2nd rate team--David Spade was right.

The few times you've been around the track
You weren't too good and I can't respect that
'Cause I ain't no Dallenbach man,
I ain't no Dallenbach man.

let me hear you say you're no Benny Parsons, P-a-r-s-o-n-s
you're no Benny Parsons, P-a-r-s-o-n-s
Again, you're no Benny Parsons, P-a-r-s-o-n-s
you're no Benny Parsons, P-a-r-s-o-n-s

The few times you've been around the track
You weren't too good and I can't respect that
'Cause I ain't no Dallenbach man,
I ain't no Dallenbach man.

Can you tell I had a rough day at work?


Where does the money go?

A sorta-weekly look at where the sponsorship dollars for your favorite drivers are spent

This week: #99 Carl Edwards

15% Paint scheme coordinator.

14% Removal of pink merchandise from the Exide days.

11% Business card printing costs.

10% Gigantic Stonebridge Life Patches for uniforms.

23% Installment plan payments for sunglasses (to protect eyes from formerly-bright white cars).

26% (Insert Nestle Pretzel Flipz joke here).

1% Salon-quality haircuts


Labonte Replaces Leffler in Everyday Life

Following the decision to have 2-time Winston Cup Champion Terry Labonte replace Jason Leffler for next week's race at Sonoma, officials have announced that the move will expand to cover most aspects of Leffler's life.
"We believe that Jason can not only benefit from missing the upcoming road course race, but could also benefit from missing other aspects of his daily routine", Joe Gibbs Racing spokesman Scotty Wilson explained. "Terry brings much more experience, as well as a calm, almost robotic-like demeanor to everything he does."
Among the activities the elder Labonte will take over include testing for the upcoming superspeedway races, handling relations with sponsor FedEx, laundry, dating, walking, and breakfast.
Leffler was not available for comment, as he was confined to a damp cave underneath FedEx Field with Richie Pettibone*. Leffler is expected to return to his ride/life in mid-August.
In a related story, Tony Stewart still hates everybody.

*Obscure NFC East joke



In a shocking move, a jury found Richard Jackson, former Nextel Cup team owner, guilty of using his car number (#1) to influence sponsors. Former drivers such as Rick Mast, Morgan Shepherd, and Jerry Nadeau testified, as did long-time sponsor Skoal. More on this story as it develops.


As Seen on TV

Hey there--tired of the same old routine? Bored with your commute to work? Wish you could put a little excitement in your drive?


The all-new Robby Gordon Exploding Engine by Menards! Put some destruction in your drive with a powerful engine capable of breaking at any time! Just the slightest bit of overexertion puts these babies right over the edge!

Our English Engineers have fined tuned our engines to explode after the SLIGHTEST bit of wear and tear. Your car pool will never be the same again!

Just listen to what former RCR employee Robby Gordon had to say about The Robby Gordon Exploding Engine by Menards:

"I support this product, because if I don't I'm in breach of contract and will be fined."

So rush into your local Meijer today for The Robby Gordon Exploding Engine by Menards!


(not recommended for drivers under 100lbs.)


Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Theater Presentation

Pocono (by the Beach Boys)

Chicago, Fontana, it’ll be our manna
To Dover, to Richmond, come on fill your beer fund
Las Vegas, and Bristol—shoot there like a pistol

But in the Keystone State
There's a place called Pocono
You don’t wanna go there in the summer or the fall

Front stretch really wide
Across the line, drivers’ll glide
We’ll be falling asleep
To the sound of Wally Dallenbach’s voice
Up in Pocono

Boring, so boring, very very boring
So boring, way boring, its just way too boring
Too boring, its boring it is just so boring

Ooo I don’t wanna go to Pocono
Where cars go fast
But they seem really slow
500 miles? Oh no…
Way up in Pocono

(Then again, it sure beats Watkins Glen)

Traffic everywhere
Rich punks are in your hair
When the New York track’s built, will this track even still be standing there?

Cannot race at night
Its really such a blight
On the sked twice a year
We gave up Rock-ing-ham for this?
Way up in Pocono

Boring, so boring, very very boring
So boring, way boring, its just way too boring
Too boring, its boring it is just so boring

Ooo I don’t wanna go to Pocono
Where cars go fast
But they seem really slow
500 miles? Oh no…
Way up in Pocono

(Tri-angle? Man that’s a buncha bull)
Sax solo by Terry Labonte

Reality shows
In’trest me more than Pocono
I just don’t wanna go
Or watch or listen to it
Way up in Pocono


Pocono "News" and Notes

--Pocono is "The superspeedway that thinks its a road course". Its also extremely boring.
--Many have urged Pocono owner to reduce the length of both races from 500 to 400 miles. This makes perfect sense, so of course it hasn't happened.
--After last week's crash-fest at Dover, expect some forms of retribution at Pocono--all of them somehow involving Kevin Harvick.
--Pocono traditionally marks the time of the year when the Busch and Cup Series split up. Kenny Wallace won't know what to do!
--Along those lines, Carl Edwards is expected to age 14 years in the next few weeks (this joke partially lifted from Mike Smith).

5:2 Those attending the race will avoid the traffic on Long Pond Road.
10:1 The addition of Mike Garvey to the 66 team will make a difference.
25:1 Ryan Newman will not win the pole.


Dover--Short Term Memories Part IV

Dover is a bit unique in that it has a horse racetrack inside the Nascar racetrack. So there's lots of stuff there that you don't find anyplace else. Chief amongst them is a small deck on top of the Busch garage. I climbed up the jungle gym-like ladder onto this deck and found myself surrounded by a few fans, some photographers, and Timothy Peters (Bobby Hamilton's truck driver). But the most recognizable person there was Scott Eggelston, team manager of FitzBradshaw Racing.
Eggelston smokes almost non-stop, no doubt trying to forget his time with Michael Waltrip. He also looks like about half the people who get pit passes--middle-aged, mustache, and polo shirt. He was on the radio for most of the early stages of the race, until Scott Lagasse's major wreck. He turned around, and gave me a look like "How much equipment are these guys gonna tear up until we win?" Then he headed down into the garage.

Pocono Preview Tomorrow


Dover--Short Term Memories Part III

After Saturday's wreck/plowing incident at Dover, both Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick were summoned to the Busch trailer. Kyle, of course, could go right away, as his car was totalled. Kevin, however, stayed on the track and finished the race. After he pulled into the garage a slew of cameramen, reporters, and writers (including me) rushed over to the RCR trailer.
Harvick got out looking as cool as Kevin Harvick possibly can, and gave his interviews--this is where he made his "drivers without enough talent" comment. Afterwards, he made the short walk to the Busch Series trailer. Right before he walks in, a fan sticks out a 1/64 and asks him "Kevin, can I get an autograph?"
Nascar is probably the only place where someone could have the gall to do such a thing. Imagine this in the NFL: "Hey, Mr. Sapp, I know you just got thrown out of the game for a chop-block, but could I get you to sign this rookie card? Hey, wait, put me down!" The balls of some fans really surprise me. Then again, those eBay seller fees aren't going to pay themselves.

More stories tomorrow


Dover--Short Term Memories Part II

So there I am, early in the morning, standing in the inspection area of the Cup garage. Its pouring rain outside, so almost every crewman is in the garage working on their cars (the drivers didn't even show up). Next to me is a young couple--I think they catered the meals for the Nascar officials. One is a normal looking guy, the other an attractive girl in tight jeans and a sheer t-shirt. She asks Chad Knaus (looking very poser-ish in a wool cap) for a picture, and he happily obliges. Next she asks him if she can check out Jeff Gordon's car. Knaus says of course, and she goes to walk to the outside. Rather than have her walk through the rain, a Lowes crewman tells her to walk though the inside of the garage, by the war wagons--usually a big no-no. He tells her "I bet ya no one will stop ya". She goes, and her boyfriend tries to follow. The same crewman stops him, pretending to put up a velvet rope, and tell him, "Man, we gotta draw the line somewhere." Hearty laughs were had by all.

The moral of the story? Hot girls can do whatever they want.

More stories tomorrow


Dover--Short Term Memories Part I

When I first got into the pits, I noticed a big white guy with dreadlocks. As most of you probably know, this is NOT a good look, and only looks moderately acceptable on a head shop clerk or Vanilla Ice. What this guy was doing in the pits, I had NO idea.
So later, I see him again, this time in the Truck "garage" (at Dover its just a bunch of big rigs parked in a line). Upon closer inspection, I see that he's wearing a Georgetown shirt. Then it hits me--its Brendan Gaughan! Brendan Gaughan has DREADS.


But the story doesn't stop there, oh no. As I hung out near the Orleans trailer, I saw Brendan with a sly look on his face while he collected lockties from his crew. Then, in a flash, he DARTS over to the port-o-potties and tries to tie one shut! However, before he could get the first one on, the bathroom user (someone on the 16 team), throws open the door, points at Brendan and yells "Man, I KNOW who you are!"

More stories tomorrow


Been Dover

I'm back from a 3 day experience at Dover. This week you'll see an incredibly self-indulgent look at my 72 hours in the capital of the first state.


Dover "News" and Notes

--Ryan Newman debuted a new paint scheme last week, featuring his sponsor Alltel's new logo. Though it seemed impossible, the new car is uglier than the last.

--Dover is known as the "Monster Mile". It is the scariest thing in Nascar, after some compromising pictures of a young Kenny Wallace.

--Last year's spring Dover race was filled with wrecks. Last week's race set the record for most cautions in a Nextel Cup event. Thusly, this week's race should see 47 cautions, 5 red flags, and be completed by Wednesday.

--The two Nextel Cup races at Dover are the biggest sporting events in Delaware, besides (of course) Punkin Chunkin.

--Years ago Brett Bodine's wife won over $8,000 on the Dover Downs slots. This is the luckiest a Bodine has been in over 20 years.

3:2 The in-car cameras will short out when driven under the Monster bridges.
10:1 Robin Miller will use a Dover discussion to segue into a debate over Long Beach.
40:1 Anyone will refer to the race by its full name: MBNA RacePoints 400.


Out on Bail

That's right--they've sprung me from the big house. Thankfully my lawyer cited the case of Yarborough v. Yarbrough and got me off the hook. Now all I have to do is perform 8,000 hours of community service, helping the unfortunate better themselves. I'm thinking that I can work it off as business manager for Peak Motorsports.

THIS WEEKEND--the big ole' weekend, of course. After the Dover preview tomorrow, there'll be some intermittant low-brow humor, followed by a big recap next week.

Stay tuned grooverinos!