2007 Nextel Cup Championship Preview...Part 1
The 2007 Preview is here! Keep two things in mind:
1. This is based on owners points, not drivers points.
2. I'm pretty dumb.
Lets start things off with the tops in the sport. These 12 drivers will make the Chase...unless Nascar arbitrarily changes the rules again.
1. 17 Matt Kenseth
Prediction: Matt Kenseth will win the 2007 Nextel Cup Championship, becoming the most electrifying two-time champion since Terry Labonte.
Bold Prediction: Matt will shock his fans by referring to his 2007 run as the “Brett Favre, please retire” Tour.
Fun Fact: Matt has no stapler at Roush Racing. Damn you Mark Martin!
2. 20 Tony Stewart
Prediction: Tony will hold the points lead for most of the season, then, after an early-Chase slump, attempt to injure his hand in an attempt at resurgence.
Bold Prediction: Tony will be fined $5,000 by the NFL for excessive celebration.
Fun Fact: When not racing, Tony likes to relax by doing a little racing.
3. 48 Jimmie Johnson
Prediction: Jimmie will lead the series in wins, but fall out of Chase contention after getting completely lost in the lumber section of an area Lowes.
Bold Prediction: Jimmie will sweat. On TV. After a race.
Fun Fact: Jimmie is the five-time champion of the Beavis and Butt-head “Most Popular Driver” award.
4. 24 Jeff Gordon
Prediction: Jeff will work overtime to reclaim his spot as the dominate driver of his generation. Unfortunately, he won’t get paid for it.
Bold Prediction: In accordance with his sponsorship contract with GM, his wife will now be professionally known as Ingrid VandeACDelco.
Fun Fact: Jeff will go into rehab for a nasty addiction to Nicorette. The cure? Pure, smooth tobacco goodness of Winston-brand cigarettes (endorsed by Fred Flintstone!)
5. 29 Kevin Harvick
Prediction: Kevin will win the Daytona 500, then dedicate the win to his owners—Richard Childress, and a large, faceless investment firm.
Bold Prediction: Kevin will officially adopt the nickname “Young Yeller”.
Fun Fact: To paraphrase the great Mitch Hedberg: “Kevin would love to back to Little League now—he’d kick some ass!”
6. 12 Ryan Newman
Prediction: Ryan will get off to a fast start, then fade away. Whether Rusty Wallace’s voodoo is the reason is anyone’s guess.
Bold Prediction: New rules enforced by Nextel will force his paint scheme to read “Not Alltel Wireless”.
Fun Fact: After missing the top ten, Ryan’s annual “contract renewal” with his wife was held up. She renegotiated after getting concessions for weekly garbage removal and transference of dog-walking duties.
7. 5 Kyle Busch
Prediction: Kyle will post an up-and-down season, varying from running g-r-r-r-eat to seemingly being on a quest to find a good car.
Bold Prediction: To complete his public image, Kyle will incorporate the phrases “Golly Sir!” and “Gee Willakers!” into post-race interviews.
Fun Fact: Combines the driving ability of Kyle Petty with the great social skills of Kurt Busch.
8. 8 Dale Earnhardt, Jr
Prediction: Junior will NOT win a race this year. The diecast market will subsequently collapse.
Bold Prediction: For shutting down the diecast industry, Junior will be named Time Magazine’s Man of the Year.
Fun Fact: In addition to his sister, Junior also allows a blonde, out-of-work actor to live on his property in a guest house. What could go wrong?
9. 99 Carl Edwards
Prediction: After winning this year, Carl, instead of flipping, will produce a piece of cardboard and break-dance on the finish line.
Bold Prediction: Bruce Springsteen will remake the song “Johnny 99” in Carl’s honor, preceding it with a meandering five-minute long rap session about his father.
Fun Fact: “My old man, he was never much for racin’. He used to say, ‘boy, you race that car, you’re gonna wind up in jail.’ Well some folks do wind up in jail. And some become…Carl 99. Ah-ONE TWO THREE FOUR!”
10. 1 Martin Truex Jr.
Prediction: Martin will become the marketing juggernaut DEI has been looking for for so long.
Bold Prediction: In an effort to differentiate himself from Dale Earnhardt Jr., Truex Jr. will take the new nickname “Tru2”.
Fun Fact: Truex is currently seeing a woman named Sherry Pollex. No word on whether or not his favorite movie is XXX.
11. 31 Jeff Burton
Prediction: Jeff’s 2006 dream season, where he made it back to the top of the sport, will be replaced by Jeff’s 2007 dream season, where he’s trying to walk across a bridge with Jimmy Carter and a parrot with a French accent.
Bold Prediction: After losing sponsor Cingular, Kirk Shelmerdine will step up and help former owner Richard Childress with some sponsorship.
Fun Fact: Upon hearing the Nextel “chirp” sound, Jeff immediately flies into a fit of rage.
12. 07 Clint Bowyer
Prediction: With Clint Bowyer narrowly making the Chase, RCR will have returned to its glory days of Dale Earnhardt and no teammate.
Bold Prediction: On St. Patrick’s Day, he’ll be known as Clint O’Bowyer.
Fun Fact: Clint spent the entire off-season aging in a barrel.