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Nothing Happening

Following a trend that has only increased in the past few years, nothing of note has happened in the Nascar world for the past few weeks. As a result, news organizations such as ESPN,, and Jayski Amalgomated Enterprises have gone stale and untouched.
"I wish I had something to talk about, but I've pretty much been chilling out the past few weeks", explained Dale Earnhardt Jr., usually the most newsworthy of Nascar drivers. "I had that surgery on my wrist, so I've had to take it slow. On the plus side, I got a bunch of new stuff for my basement--I'm thinking of turning a room into a home theater."
Earnhardt is not alone in his docileness since the Nascar awards banquet--other superstar drivers have had little or no major announcements to make.
"Since I got back to the US, I've been taking care of some projects around the house I've been meaning to get to", said driver Jeff Gordon. "For instance, I found out that I was spending WAY too much money on my heating bills, so Rick (Hendrick) suggested I put in some weather stripping. I got the top floor taken care of--I'm tackling the bottom floor this weekend."
As a result of the lack of action, rather mundane stories have taken on major importance. For instance, Travis Kvapil's move to the 32 Tide car received international media exposure, and Scott Wimmer was nearly overrun by papparazzi after announcing his move to Morgan-McClure.


The Petty Progression

Christmas is a day of joy and sharing, but its also a day to examine the evolving hair styles of some of our favorite Nascar drivers. Lets take a look at that follicular chamelion himself, Kyle Petty

Style 1: 'Da Fro (c.1979-1984, The Early Years)
--Pretty much a modified afro, Kyle's poofy hair was in with the times. Looking like a backup center for an ABA franchise, the major question still remains--how did he fit all that in his helmet?

Style 2: Modified Mullet (1985-1989, The Wood Bros. Years)
--While not a full-on Tennessee Topper, Kyle did have the definate "business up front, party in the back" look in the late-80's. A radical departure from his earlier rebel days, this style fit in pretty much anywhere Nascar raced at the time.

Style 3: The Kenny G (1990-c.1994, The SABCO Years)
--Kyle really went overboard on this one, going for a "flowing" look, curiously parted down the middle. Looking somewhat like Eddie Vedder, there was nothing Mello about it.

Style 4: Art Teacher/Aging Hippie (1995-Present, The Petty Years)
--Kyle's current style was a natural outgrowth (pun intended) of his earlier looks--tying it all up behind the neck. Kyle now somewhat resembles your uncle who owns the head shop in the college town, or a billionaire who got out just at the right time.

Merry Christmas!!!


How Does Rudd Stack Up?

Every sport has its own "Iron Man"--the athlete who's competed in the most consecutive games. Ricky Rudd holds this title in Nascar, having surpassed Mr. Excitement Terry Labonte some time ago. But how does he compare to the other iron men of sports? Lets take a look:

Nascar--Ricky Rudd, 788 consecutive starts
NBA--A.C. Green, 1,110 consecutive games
MLB--Cal Ripken, Jr., 2632 consecutive games
NFL--Jeff Feagles, 283 consecutive games (and counting)--no, seriously, Jeff Feagles

Biggest Success:
Rudd--1997 Brickyard 400 Winner
Green--2-time NBA Champion
Ripken--World Series Winner, 2-Time MVP
Feagles--Holds record for punts inside the 20-yard line

Also Known For:
Rudd--Taping his eyes open to start a race
Green--Abstaining from sex throughout his entire NBA career
Ripken--Saving baseball
Feagles--Whoring his number to Eli Manning, then Plaxico Burriss

Worst Career Moment:
Rudd--Pretty much everything after 2002
Green--When people realized that "A.C." didn't stand for anything
Feagles--Signing with the Arizona Cardinals. Voluntarily.

Long-Standing Rumor:
Rudd--Was forced out at the Wood Bros.
Green--Was forced to end his streak on account of a chipped tooth
Ripken--The whole Costner thing
Feagles--Signed with the Eagles "just to mess with everyone's minds"

Person Most Likely to Break Their Streak:
Rudd--Jeff Gordon
Green--A cyborg alien (or, in other words, Sam Cassell)
Ripken--No one
Feagles--Brett Favre (who, in turn, will break the all-time interception mark)


Alternate Future--What if Jeff Gordon Had Never Left Bill Davis?

Gordon Returns to Busch Series After 12-year Cup Run

After 12 mostly disappointing years in R.J. Reynolds Cup competition, driver Jeffrey Gordon has announced his return to the Busch Series in an attempt to become competitive again.
"I really think like I have some good years left in me", Gordon explained. "By teaming up with James Finch and Yellow Transportation, I think we can contend for some wins and crack the top 10.
Gordon has enjoyed a 12-year run in the Cup Series with Bill Davis Racing, driving the 22 CAT Ford to mixed success. Gordon's best year by far came in 1997, when he captured four wins, seven poles, and a 6th place points finish. However, Gordon has only notched three wins since, none since 2003, and was forced out by Davis' sponsor for "lack of refinement."
"I don't care what people think about me--how I look, how I dress, anything. I am who I am, and who cares if corporate America accepts me or not?"
Gordon, seen here before this year's Budweiser 500 at Dover Downs, has cultivated something of a cult following amongst Nascar's "old school" fans, who appreciate his candor and good-old boy nature.
"Jeff might not win all the time, but he's a real man's man", explained Wilson Scott, webmaster of Fans For Gordon. "We'll support him through thick and thin--even through the Busch Series."
Four-time Winston Cup Champion Ward Burton had no comment.


Nascar Braces for Canadian Invasion

With the recent announcement that open-wheel star Paul Tracy would be running a partial Busch schedule next year, Nascar insiders have begun preparing for the expected wave of "Canadian Invasion".
"Tracy will be the third Canadian to race a meaninful schedule in a top-tier Nascar series", explained US-Canadian auto-racing relations expert Scott Wilson. "Randy MacDonald and Ron Fellowes have already done it, but being typical Canadians, they didn't raise much of a fuss.
"Tracy, on the other hand, seems to have some non-Canadian blood in him, so expect an influx of new ideas and new culture."
Tracy has earned a reputation as an enfant terrible in open-wheeled racing. Reportedly this was done in a series known as "CART", though Wilson's best research efforts failed to bring any record of the series existing past 1994. None the less, Tracy could bring some foreign customs with him in 2006.
"Some Nascar insiders have already begun to wonder if Molson or LaBatt's will come on board as Tracy's sponsor", Wilson explained, "but it doesn't stop there. Tracy has already began lobbying Mike Nelson to install a 'sin bin' at Bristol to take care of overly agressive drivers. In addition, drivers may be awarded a rouge for knocking a driver completely off the track."
Tracy's arrival has been widely discussed in the open-wheel world, with many expecting that it could be the final blow to North American open-wheel racing.
"Tracy has the chance to create something totally new", Wilson opined. "He could be the biggest thing to hit Nascar since Scott Pruett."


Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

To the tune of "Addicted to Love", by the great Robert Palmer

The Chase is on, but you're not there
Your pit...crew doesn't care
You're running bad, you can't be seen
You're behind, Kirk Shelmerdine
You can't win, you can't lead
A good run, is what you need
So you know, what you must do
But you get, A DNQ

Whoa, you like to think that you’re too good for this stuff, woah yeah
You've got to realize that when the going gets tough, you
Know you’re gonna have to face it, you've been sent down to Trucks

You're sponsor's gone, you got no dough
You run, but cannot go
You just try, to hold your line
A good top 10, and you'll be fine--its a fine line
From bad to good
But you're not running, like you should
If there's a team, you'll take the ride
But just know, that you can't hide

Whoa, you like to think that you’re too good for this stuff, woah yeah
You've got to realize that when the going gets tough, you
Know you’re gonna have to face it, you've been sent down to Trucks

Might as well face it, you've been sent down to Trucks
Might as well face it, you've been sent down to Trucks
Might as well face it, you've been sent down to Trucks
Might as well face it, you've been sent down to Trucks


Radio DJ Thinks Nascar Jokes are Hilarious

Local DJ Steven "SychoSteve" Corman has recently stumbled upon what he thinks to be the greatest jokes in the world: Observations about the sport and fans of Nascar.
"I mean, look at it--It's just cars goin' around in circles! Where I come from, we call that TRAFFIC! Speaking of traffic, lets take a look at the roadways with Don Gordon, courtesy of your local ReMax agent." This is just one example of the jokes Corman has found to be utterly hilarious.
"They're fans, I mean, they're SO drunk, they find their COUSINS attractive!", Corman was heard saying on his daily afternoon drivetime show, SychoSteve and the RockBloxx. "They drive for hours to watch cars drive for hours! Man, that's DUMB?!? Lets hear the newest hit from Nickleback, 'Photograph'", right here on the RockBloxx."
SychoSteve, formerly Steve McKing and Cousin Stevie, has worked his unique brand of humor on his radio show since 2001, reaching the greater Albany, NY area on 94.7 WRXX, Home for the ROCK. Past running jokes have included the promiscuity of former President Clinton, the prevalent cursing on The Osbornes, and the weight of his sidekick, Hank "Big Man" Warren. However, SychoSteve believes that he has hit a real chord with his new brand of humor.
"All the fans come from the South--you can tell because they always have more beers than teeth!", SychoSteve was most recently heard saying on last Friday's show. This was followed by a call-in contest for tickets to a local Staind concert.
SychoSteve is said to be keen to take his Nascar-related humor "to the next level", with an as-yet-unknown song parody. Either that, or switch to making fun of Paris Hilton.


Jayski Placed in Suspended Animation

To better preserve their #1 Nascar reporter--not to mention a major source of web traffic--ESPN New Media has announced that webmaster Jay Adamczyk will be placed in cold storage for the winter off-season.
"With most of the major moves having been made, we felt that Jay's presence on the web was going to waste", explained ESPN spokesperson Sara Wilson. "Besides, does the public REALLY need to know about the new crew chief on the 32 team?"
Details of the procedure are sketchy, but here's what ESPN has confirmed: On December 15, Jay will be placed in a hyperbaric chamber, which then will be filled with a clear liquid with the consistency of gravy. After that the liquid is frozen and Jay will be stored next to other out-of-season ESPN personalities (such as John Kruk and Cliff Drysdale). Jay will remain in this state through the middle of January, at which point he will be thawed.
" goes through a natural 'down time' every year between the banquet and Speedweeks", Wilson continued. "Jay is a valuable asset to our company--why would we want him wasting precious time reporting on the 2006 plans of Derrike Cope?"
Jayski, aka "that guy from Jersey", was unavailable for comment, as he was receiving transfusions of necessary nutrients for the procedure. However, it is expected that his site will simply redirect to a comparable ESPN webpage--the impact of Hip-Hop culture on the NBA.


Features of the New TV Deal

--Fox gets exclusive rights to the Daytona 500, as well as the much anticipated reality show "Will Mike Skinner Qualify?"

--Fox will cover 13 races in the new deal, plus the most pointless race ever created, the Budweiser Shootout.

--Speed Channel will continue its coverage of all other preliminary events at Daytona. So have no fear--Ken Squire's legacy of awkward interruptions and ramblings will go on.

--Speed Channel also gets the rights to the Nextel All-Star Challenge. To promote this move, expect this year's Challenge winner to get Bob Jenkins as a prize. No, not a trophy, but the actual person Bob Jenkins.

--TNT takes over after Fox with a six race stretch including the Pepsi 400. This will interrupt their usual schedule of Law and Order repeats and original series no one watches.

--ABC and ESPN will take over NBC's role of covering the Chase. The return of Dr. Jerry Punch is upon us!

--ESPN2 will cover the entire Busch Series (minus a few races on ABC) in 2007. Remember when "The Deuce" was an extreme sports channel, but they ran out of extreme sports to cover? I miss the days of windsurfing at 3pm, followed by Happy Hour at Martinsville at 3:30.

--And finally, sadly, Bravo was NOT included in the TV deal. Again. When will Nascar learn?!?


The Outside Groove Gets Lazy

As I ranted before at the near-end of my banquet article, there's really not that much material to write about in the world of Nascar right now. Its as though the odd and funny stories have all been put in suspended animation like Walt Disney. As a result, I don't want to keep writing articles through December just to say that I updated every day--they'd be a bunch of bad song parodies and re-hashed stereotype jokes. Instead, I'll be going to an every-other-day rotation (a'la Nascar Scene), with some "best of" articles thrown in. Also, there's some long-form pieces I've been tossing around in my head, that might come to fruition in the near-future. Regardless, I'll be back to a regular schedule sometime in January.


14 Things To Do Instead of Watching The Awards Banquet

1. Take a trial course in bird watching.

2. Visit your local library.

3. Watch "Groundhog Day" on DVD.

4. Do some online holiday shopping.

5. Read a short novel.

6. Take a walk around the neighborhood.

7. Replenish your First-Aid kit.

8. Learn to juggle.

9. Peruse the class schedule at your local community college.

10. Read to the elderly.

11. Eat a turkey club sandwich.

12. Call your parents.

13. Realize that, with Nascar in the off-season, there's nothing to write about. Nothing! You're screwed! What the hell am I going to do?

14. Knit.