Sadler Beaten by Unidentified M&M's

Elliott Sadler's decision to sign with Evernham Motorsports today was overshadowed by an alledged beating by "two unidentified M&M's" late last night.
According to Sadler, formerly sponsored by the candy maker, he was reportedly walking out of Robert Yates Racing headquarters after "saying his goodbyes and picking up my tape dispenser", when "two bright round fellas" jumped out from behind a pile of discarded Ricky Rudd merchandise.
Sadler, who was admitted to a hospital this morning, said that "they just kept whaling on me, beatin' me with their little gloved hands. All I remember is pain, giant white M's, and pain."
Sadler was determined to have received several deep bruises, a concussion, and a non-life threatening case of Nascar fever. Due to his injuries, Sadler's exact recollection of the events remains fuzzy, but somewhat lucid.
"I can't remember it exactly, but I heard 'em saying something. I think it was 'Don't leave the family, boy--NOBODY leaves the family!'"
Sadler's status for this week's race remains uncertain, leading Evernham Motorsports to retain Bill Elliott in a large tupperware container.
Police, acting on Sadler's descriptions, have issued arrest warrents for two male individuals, short and stocky, with bright red and yellow skin and/or clothes.
J.K. Simmons could not be reached for comment.