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6.29.2006

Tha Commish

Lets take a look at the commissioners of the top four sports in America: Paul Tagliabue (NFL), Bud Selig (MLB), David Stern (NBA), and our very own Mike Helton (Nascar). Now, I know lots of you claim that there's a fifth "major sport", but I REFUSE to include foxy boxing on the list.

Previous Job
Tagliabue: Legal Counsel
Selig: Legal Counsel
Stern: Legal Counsel
Helton: Model, Tom Selleck-brand mustache combs

Nickname
Tagliabue: Tags
Selig: Bud
Stern: The Pope
Helton: Slim (formerly The Big Guy)

Little-Known Fact
Tagliabue: Was an excellent basketball player at Georgetown (before John Thompson took over and stopped recruiting white people…well, besides Brendan Gaughan).
Selig: Owned the Milwaukee Brewers (Yes—they do exist!)
Stern: Brokered the franchise trade between the Buffalo Braves and the Boston Celtics, unleashing upon the world the nightmare that was the Clippers.
Helton: Loves that Marmaduke!

Biggest Success
Tagliabue: Billion-dollar TV deals.
Selig: Interleague play; pissing off Bob Costas (tie).
Stern: Taking the sport worldwide (you’re welcome, Yinka Dare!).
Helton: Keeping Bruton Smith in check.

Biggest Failure
Tagliabue: Couldn’t stop franchise movements of the 90’s.
Selig: He’s not here to talk about the past.
Stern: Balancing act of marketing sport to rich suburbanites while retaining urban roots. Oh, and all the arrests.
Helton: Its all white guys!

Biggest Controversy
Tagliabue: Anything involving the word “Al”, immediately followed by the word “Davis”.
Selig: Roids, roids, roids!
Stern: “Malice at the Palace” (made somewhat hilarious by the fact that Bill Walton was present).
Helton: Didn’t give Dale Earnhardt Jr. a special exemption into the 2005 Chase.

Henpecked By:
Tagliabue: Fox, CBS, NBC, ESPN.
Selig: The union.
Stern: Nobody. Nobody.
Helton: Pretty much anyone in the France family.

Most Embarrassing Moment:
Tagliabue: Having to announce Eli Manning being drafted by San Diego.
Selig: Getting photographed the All-Star Game during the split second he was shrugging his shoulders.
Stern: Uh, have you SEEN any pictures of him from the 80’s?
Helton: The whole RedneckJunk.com fiasco.

Looks Like
Tagliabue: Your middle-school principal.
Selig: The guy in front of you at the supermarket who can’t figure out how to swipe his credit card
Stern: Your company’s Vice President who insists on pitching in the annual softball game.
Helton: Every cop in the USA.

Office is in…
Tagliabue: New York
Selig: New York
Stern: New York
Helton: A big white trailer.

Lasting legacy
Tagliabue: Kept the league at the top of the sports hierarchy.
Selig: Wasn’t Fay Vincent.
Stern: Launched the career of Bill Simmons.
Helton: Replaced a series sponsor whose product KILLED people with a sponsor whose CHIRPING PHONES DRIVE ME INSANE!!!

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