Today's Special Guest Villian...Jeff Gordon

Today, Jeff Gordon honed his social skills by guest-hosting "Live with Regis and Kelly", in place of Regis Philbin. In case you didn't see it (and I seriously hope that you didn't), here's what you missed:

--Jeff laughed heartily, then chuckled and reminded co-host Kelly Ripa that he does not work as a New York City cab driver.

--When asked if he was still single, Gordon launched into a 15-minute diatribe on the unfairness of divorce laws in the United States towards men.

--Gordon spent much of the show praising actress Wendie Malick (yes, that's how she spends her name) for her superb acting work on "Just Shoot Me". He also admitted that, while growing up, he wasn't allowed to watch "Dream On".

--Guests were forbidden to make any reference to the horrid Nascar Top 10 fashion show the program held last year.

--Gelman? Pinko Commie.

--Jeff was supposed to guest host on Thursday, but refused to be in the same room as "...that hack Adam Sandler." In a press statement, Sandler replied "ahhh...ahhh doobie doo...doobie dabbie doo."

--The audience was largely receptive to Gordon's appearence, with one exception: A Mr. Jay Ski was forceably removed when he submitted a question to Gordon asking "Who willl drivE the 25 car net year?"