Thomas, Knicks, Ink Kirk Shelmerdine to Long-Term Deal

Just days after trading for Steve Francis, the New York Knicks made another major move, signing Nascar driver Kirk Shelmerdine to a 4-year, $40 million contract.
"Kirk has proven to us that he's a winner, and that's what this team needs right now", explained Knicks GM Isiah Thomas. "Lord knows, we need a winner--well, besides me. I won two championships in Detroit! Remember that, Vecsey?"
Thomas, best remembered for being universaly hated during his NBA playing days, has signed a slew of high-profile players to big-money contracts since becoming general manager of the Knicks last year.
"Kirk fits in well with our team plan--he came in 20th at Daytona, and 20th place is our goal for this year", said Thomas, seated behind a bucket of popcorn. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go yell--I mean, motivate--some employees."
Shelmerdine's signing flies in the face of Thomas' previous acquisitions of 45 high-priced point guards with questionable work ethics. Furthermore, Shelmerdine should now have no problem paying his tire bills for the rest of the season.
When asked about the signing, Knicks coach Larry Brown (formerly of the Pistons, Sixers, Pacers, Spurs, Clippers, Jayhawks, Nets, Bruins, Nuggets, and Cougars) mumbled something about Doug Moe, then headed towards a nearby ledge.