NFL Retirement Plan Now Entirely Nascar-Based

Responding to recent economic and social trends in the sport, The National Football League Players Association has announced that they have replaced their standard pension plans with a totally Nascar-based system.

"We have found that, after years of toiling in the trenches of professional football, the only thing retired players want to do is own a racing team", Union chief Gene Upshaw explained at a press conference. "Its a natural progression, for some reason."

Former Oakland/Los Angeles/Oakland Radiers wide receiver Tim Brown is the first recipient of the new plan, in which pensions, instead of being paid out over a period of years, will be transferred to Nascar "Ownership Bux", redeemable at any major team. Brown chose to cash in his pension at Roush Racing.

"Jack Roush has one of the most stable teams in racing", Brown explained. "He inspires loyalty amongst all his drivers. However, I don't know how I'll be able to find a driver with so many under contract through 2007."

Other former players, such as Jim Kelly (Cicci-Kelly Racing), Mark Rypien (Rypien Motorsports) and Gene Washington (that team with Dr. J) have entered the sport with varying degrees of success. Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw has operated the most stable team, with his cars consistenly running in the back of the pack for over three years.

Joe Gibbs could not be reached for comment, as he was trying to figure out how to make Patrick Ramsey look like a quarterback.