Mark Martin Addresses his Fans on Retirement

Dateline--Mark Martin's retirement (obviously)
Issued by Pfizer, makers of Viagra
“Hello. Its been a great career here in Nextel Cup, and I feel that, after all those races and all those memories, its time to move on. I just wanted to thank all the sponsors, crew members, and especially the fans for making it such an incredible career.”
WARNING: Mark Martin’s retirement is not for everyone. Before you try Mark Martin’s retirement, ask your doctor if Mark Martin’s retirement is right for you. Those with a pre-existing heart condition should not use Mark Martin’s retirement. In addition, there is an increased chance of failing health associated with Mark Martin’s retirement if the user drives a Chevy.
Mark Martin’s retirement has a low occurrence of side-effects, which include (but are not limited to) kidney disorders, the shakes, rickets, having to talk regularly with Kurt Busch, reverting to a metabolism of Jimmy Spencer, and dry mouth. Until you know the effects of Mark Martin’s retirement, you should not operate heavy machinery.
Mark Martin’s retirements lasting more than 3 to 4 hours, while rare, require immediate medical assistance. Mark Martin’s retirements lasting more than 3 to 4 years probably mean that you are Mark Martin, and shouldn’t have to worry.
Pfizer is not responsible for any health problems incurred while on Mark Martin’s retirement. For this reason, if you cannot find a new driver to root for in 2006, don’t come whining to us.
In next week’s issue:
Kenseth to Roush: Maybe we SHOULD work on our qualifying program…nahhhh
Tim Fedewa gets 24th primary sponsor
Kvapil goes Kvazy