Derrike Cope “Announces” Retirement

Dateline: Right after Rusty Wallace announces his Retirement
Following in the footsteps of Rusty Wallace, Mark Martin, and Terry Labonte, Nascar driver Derrike Cope has decided/been forced to stop racing after this season.
“Its been a great career—well, at least 1990 was great.” Cope explained to a crowd of two crew members, a janitor, and Robin Miller’s second cousin. “I accomplished lots of great feats in my career—winning the Daytona 500, um…winning at Dover with that orange car, uh…winning the Daytona 500—did I say that already?”
Cope’s Nascar brethren had mixed reactions to his retirement.
“Wait, Cope’s still racing? Man, I thought he retired back in ‘99” said driver Kurt Busch. “I hope he saved up some of that Avacor money, ‘cause its not like he’s getting into broadcasting like me.”
Prominent driver/ball bearing pitchman Jeff Burton explained how “…its tough for a driver to make it the sport now without a sponsor. I did it this year, and Derrike doesn’t even have a wealthy owner, dozens of associate sponsors, a winning history, an experienced crew chief, or talent.”
Cope’s media relations director, an as yet unseen Derrikina Cope, issued a press release on a slightly used Hardee’s napkin, outlining Cope’s future plans.
“Derrike wanted to spend more time with his family, reconnect with his old friends, and, most importantly, regrow his mustache. Without the facial hair, Mr. Cope believes himself to be only half a man.”
Cope’s team, Mach One Racing, has yet to name a replacement, though they have already contacted such luminaries as Geoffrey Bodine, Billy Standridge, and “one of the Sauters…the big one, I think.”

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