Jeff and the Holograms

Jeff Gordon recently announced that he'll be using holograms to authenticate all of his autographed merchandise. Gordon's business manager, John "no, for the last time, my name's not made up" Bickford, said that this was to prevent forgery and theft. Yeah, right. Here's the REAL reasons why:

--Part of a nefarious scheme to track all Jeff Gordon fans the world over. I don't have all the details yet, but I wouldn't be caught with a 1/24 Hot Hues car past 2008.

--The holographic image is of Jeff shaking Mike Bliss' hand. Then, it switches to Jeff slapping Mike upside the head! Oh, SNAP!

--As a Delaware resident, my job regularly take me past DuPont's infamous "Experimental Station". Word is they've been working on super-strong humaniods to work in the pits. Could these holograms be wireless transmitters to keep these beings in line? Only time will tell.

--Jeff invested heavily in the holographic arts in the late-90's, and this was the only way to recoup his savings.

--I can't quite connect them, but whenever For Race Fans Only is on QVC, I angrily throw my remote at my TV.

--Something involving lots of salad dressing, Jeff's racing suit, and Terry Labonte's mustache. WAKE UP PEOPLE! THIS IS WHAT THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!