The Outside Groove

The Checkered Flag

2007-05-16T13:27:00.000-05:00

After two and a half years, this will be the final original post on The Outside Groove. No, I'm not going to pull a Darrell Waltrip and start making small, embarrassingly half-assed posts once or twice per year. And no, I'm not going to transform this site into an emporium for my other sports obsession, defunct leagues from the 70's. ("San Diego Sails? More like San Diego SNAILS!!!)

No, I'm just putting the site to rest. While I still like to write humor, I just plain don't like Nascar that much anymore. No one big event made me turn against the sport of car dealership owners, but there are a few things that have turned me off. I will now list them for my own self-importance.

1. IT'S FREAKING BORING: Watching two drivers swap wins week-to-week isn't my idea of fun. And if I wanted to watch my favorite get destroyed by two identical super-forces all-year-long, I'd go back to being an Orioles fan.

2. The sport is being dominated by Rick Hendrick: Yes, Rick Hendrick's done a lot of good things...I assume. But he also strong-armed out smaller car dealers in the 80's through cash bribes and (ironically) BMW's, then got his conviction wiped clean by his Bank of America buddies. Oh, and there's that whole "not paying overtime" thing. Once again, if I wanted to see my favorite get destroyed by a team owned by an ex-con, I'd go back to being an Orioles fan.

3. Jimmie Johnson: Jimmie is, by all accounts, a really good guy. And I applaud him for that. But I'm thoroughly convinced that he was bred in a lab in the 80's by corporate executives to be the perfect pitchman. Nothing controversial, nothing interesting, just plain nothing.

4. Vengeance is mine: After I saw Michael Waltrip get publicly humiliated week after week (a streak that continues!), what was there left for me to do? Speaking of which:

5. Nascar on FOX: I was a huge Nascar on Fox fan when they got the rights package back in 2001. Then it turned into the Waltrip Brothers Hour Presented by Toyota. When announcers aren't the least-bit impartial to the equipment in play, its just not a true broadcast anymore. Oh, and Larry Mac hates me.

Am I going away? Oh no. My new website launches soon (yes, soon!) right here.

I want to thank EVERYONE whose read my site throughout the years, especially the die hard readers who I've become friends with. Thanks again to my Mom and Dad, who gave me my first REAL writing job, and Douglass Ladd, who got The Outside Groove on its way (blame him).

I want to detract EVERYONE who posted negative comments over the years, especially those who thought my stories were actually read. Detractions again to Catch Fence, who threw me off their website for not being Christian enough, and the idiot I dated who called my site a "safe bet".

I also need to extend my sincere gratitude to Dion Ciccarelli, Donnie Neuenberger, David Starr, and Mike Massaro for agreeing to be interviewed by me. And of course, thank you to Derrike Cope for your mustache.

In the beginning, I set up this site to see if anyone would react to intelligent Nascar humor. The answer was yes, and I thank you all for that. Unfortunately, Nascar seems to not want us anymore. For every bogus caution flag, Tony Stewart rant, Junior puff-piece and ugly rear wing, my brain got more and more turned off. Sorry, folks, but I have to take care of my brain, even if it means not following a sport I once (and still) loved.

And so, I say goodbye for now, and I'll see you later for sure.

"People think Michael is a good guy, but he's not a good guy. He got a girlfriend and he ended the site; he's just a piece of shit."

The End? No, Just Pulling a Ricky Rudd

2007-03-31T10:22:00.000-05:00

Why haven't I been writing as much lately? Because that pesky thing called the "real world" has been getting in the way too much. Why haven't I been writing that well lately? Well, that's just a lack of natural talent.

As much as I'd love to keep writing this site, there's just too much going on right now to do so. Rather than a bunch of "Boy, Michael Waltrip sure is funny in those commercials!" articles, I've decided to take the month of April off. I'll be writing a bit during that time, but hopefully I can return on May 1. (May day? Why that's the Russian New Year! We'll have a big parade and serve hot horderves...).

Now, I've been a fan of many-a website that has gone "On Hiatus" without a definite return. So here's the plan--come back once a week, and hopefully I'll have something for you. If not, feel free to flame me into oblivion.

See you later.

Breakin' Up

2007-03-27T20:31:00.000-05:00

The Outside Groove takes a brief break this week...look for more Nascar-related frivolity by Friday at the latest.

Kyle Busch--A Life that has Sucked

2007-03-25T19:12:00.000-05:00

Age 2--Kyle Busch says his first words: "Mommy cookie...it sucked."

Age 4--Kyle has his first day of school: "Teacher give us playtime...it sucked."

Age 8--Kyle drives a go-kart for the first time: "Wooooh--that was really fast!...it sucked."

Age 11--Kyle wins the North Las Vegas Middle School Geography Bee: "Czechoslovakia? I win! I finally won!...it sucked."

Age 14--Kyle's first kiss: "Wow, Lisa, that was great...it sucked."

Age 16--Kyle gets thrown out of Fontana: "Man, that sucked...it sucked."

Age 18--Kyle makes his Nascar debut: "After all these years of trying, I can finally say I made it...it sucked."

Age 20--Kyle gets his first vacuum cleaner: "It sucked...it sucked."

Busch in Busch

2007-03-24T18:24:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to write anything tonight, but after hearing about the odd pit lane problem in today's Busch race, I had to say something. Kyle Busch has been having a frustrating season in the Busch Series, and none of it appears to be his fault. From a spin on the final lap to a loose lug nut to a pit road error, he seems to be doing no right on Saturdays.

It makes me wonder if this promising young Busch Series driver will ever get a shot at running in Nextel Cup.

Bristol "News" and Notes

2007-03-23T21:18:00.000-05:00

Good news, everybody--on Saturday the 24th, the Car of Tomorrow will quite literally be the Car of Tomorrow.

A.J. Allmendinger and Jeremy Mayfield both made their first race of the season today. For A.J., its also the first Nascar race of his career, while for Jeremy, its also the first race driving for a company that sells pain medication AND exhaust products.

On the flip-side, Michael Waltrip missed his fourth consecutive race after failing to qualify. About the only positive to come out of this is that we can be sure that he's no longer cheating.

Following the lead of Jack Roush, Ray Evernham has been talking to George Gillett Jr., owner of the Montreal Canadiens. OK, Ray, the money will help. But if this means ONE MORE ugly NHL special paint scheme, JUST ONE MORE, its over!

Following Jimmie Johnson's win last week, Chevy has the chance to get its 600th Cup win at Bristol on Sunday. Of course, by the time they hit 700 wins, it will be known as Chevy-Kia, a Division of Nissan Corp.

ODDS
3:1 Fox will SERIOUSLY overdo the opening "fight montage".
6:1 The race will end under Green-White-Checkers, or, as it is on a short track, Gre--oh, caution on the track.
200:1 Robby Gordon will finish the race with a clean smooth race car.

Michael Jackson to Join Boys

2007-03-22T17:37:00.000-05:00

In a move that has shocked the Nascar, music, and business worlds, Michael Jackson has announced that he will be purchasing a majority stake in H&K Motorsports, featuring driver Trevor Boys.
Jackson, who has been out of the country for the past two years, issued a statement from his current home in Bahrain.
"While its true that I've become interested in the devilish speed of Nascar, I wasn't interesting in buying a team until last week. That's when I met Boys. I love Boys. I loved meeting Boys. Boys made me happy. I saw my whole life ahead of me in Boys."
Jackson also intimated that he may return to the United States, perhaps even the Charlotte area, to improve the team's chances.
"I want to spend more time with Boys. I'd love to move in with Boys. Boys will be my life. All Boys, all the time."
Jackson, a notorious big-spender, has already brought in a multi-million dollar sponsor in his own line of religious-themed drinks, Jesus Juice. He has also pledged to attend next week's race at Martinsville, saying that he "...loves all the rubba-rubba on the track."
Jackson also believes he can help the team in more ways than money, such as helping the team adjust to the new nose.
"Listen, when people look back on my life, I don't want them to just think about music. When then think about Michael Jackson, I want them to think of one word--Boys."
It remains to be seen if Jackson will qualify for Nascar's Drive for Diversity.

Where's Trevor Boys?

2007-03-21T17:39:00.000-05:00

Earlier this year, I picked Trevor Boys to finish last in the Nascar Nextel Cup points standings. To date he's done so, but by not competing in any race so far. This ties him with such luminaries as Greg Sacks, Mark Green, and Jeremy Mayfield. But why AREN'T the Boys back in town? Lets take a look:

--Come on, the dude's from Canada. YOU try naming your sponsors in an interview in two languages.

--He hasn't competed in Nascar since 1993, back when Dale Earnhardt was champion, Jeff Gordon was a rookie, and everyone was crazy about a young man named Loy Allen Jr.

--He's been trying desperately to get Nascar to award one point for every Rouge*.

--Trevor's worried what effect the move would have on his son Wheeler, and his other children Cole, Rowdy, and Harry.

--That big back bacon sponsorship fell through.

--He tried to drive the car onto the ice for a Calgary Flames game.

--Truth is, its probably just a total lack of funding. Rumor has it that a major celebrity is looking into buying the team though...check back tomorrow for more.

*--This joke courtesy of me, a genuine Baltimore Stallions fan.

Yesterday's Special Guest Villian...Simon Cowell?

2007-03-19T16:09:00.000-05:00

If you were watching 60 Minutes last night, you caught a bizarre end to an interview with Simon Cowell. In it, Simon takes an IndyCar around Las Vegas Motor Speedway and is then "judged" by Mario Andretti, Michael Waltrip and Kurt Busch. In case you missed it, here's the highlights:

--60 Minutes mistakenly picked up audio of Mario telling Michael Waltrip, "Shouldn't you be doing something right now for your team? Your brand NEW team? You know, your brand NEW team with a brand NEW manufacturer?", followed by Michael responding, "Don't worry, I got the team GELLING as we speak."

--Simon was oddly silent about Michael Waltrip's obscure 1989 release, "Country Time with Mikey and the Bahari Boys".

--Brian Dunkleman? Pinko Commie. And a HECK of a crew chief, incidentally.

--When Cowell sarcastically suggested that Kurt Busch take a voice test for a recording career, Busch responded harshly, with "I don't want to take your gay-ass voice test."

--Not surprisingly, the drivers fell into some familiar roles when discussing Cowell's on-track performance:

Kurt Busch: "Yo, dawg, I just wasn't feelin' it, man. I mean, you were all over the place, your splits were worse than Champ Car and IRL's...just not your best work, dawg.

Michael Waltrip: "Well, I love your spirit, you have a great personality, but not your best work today. And if YOU like your car to get the best work possible, take it to Napa. Napa--Get the Good Stuff."

Mario Andretti: (sounding very philosophical) "I'd like to criticize you for your driving ability, but there's one thing we should all be criticized for. Check your tires."

Scene from the GM Marketing Office in Detroit

2007-03-18T15:24:00.000-05:00

GM Marketing Director: (frustrated) "I just don't get it! We're running two concurrent ad programs aimed at two distinct markets, and neither of them are doing anything! Sales are flat, people are complaining...I just don't--"

GM Marketing Assistant (looking scared) "Uh, boss? I-I have that report you wanted on the two ad cam-campaigns."

Director: "Wow, that was quick--so what did you find? Why aren't our ads resonating with the public?"

Assistant: "Well, its a real funny story actually--you see, re-remember when you said to put the John Mellencamp Americana ads on the Nascar races, and-and the commercials with all the rappers on the March Madness broadcasts?

Director: "Yessss..."

Assistant: "Well, wouldn't you know it...someone switched 'em by mistake! Hah! Is-isn't that funny, boss?"

Director: "That's it--I'm going to Delorean."

Atlanta "News" and Notes

2007-03-16T20:05:00.000-05:00

Ryan Newman won yet another pole today, reinforcing his nickname, "Mr. Friday". Hmmm, if he's Friday, does that make Kurt Busch Robinson Caruso?

In a somewhat bizarre move, Nascar forced Robby Gordon to remove the Motorola logos from his car, despite the fact that Motorola manufactures phones for series sponsor Nextel. This is part of the new "non-promotion" theory of marketing, where teams aim to promote their brand through failure and controversy. In other words, its what Napa does.

Be on the lookout for a possible Ted Turner sighting at the track. In case you have trouble finding him, he's the white middle-aged man with the mustache and polo shirt.

Haas Racing's cars are swapping sponsors this weekend...again. Does it still count as a "swap" if its a permanent thing? Because in that case, Bill Weber and Allan Bestwick are still "swapping" their jobs too.

The 72, uh, "race team" is apparently leaving Nextel Cup. While some think that they are simply moving down to the Busch Series, insider info states that Nascar was vehemently opposed to having team owners with the last name "Mullet".

ODDS
1:5 Mike Joy will refer to something, somehow, as "March Madness".
10:1 That comment will be followed by a visit to a race shop, featuring the song "Our House" by Madness.
100:1 The reporter for the segment will the "Macho Man" Randy Savage. OHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHH! DIG IT?

Get to Know a Rookie

2007-03-15T19:14:00.000-05:00

Today, The Outside Groove continues its now and again look at the rookie drivers of the 2007 Nextel Cup season, The Andy Petree Experience.

Paul Menard

Number: 15--Lets see--famous name...limited on-track success...leeching off the Earnhardts...sounds like Michael Waltrip to me!

Sponsors: Menard's, plus a bunch of stuff they sell. This is called "Contingency Marketing" and is also used by such sponsors as Target and Dollar General to promote both their store and their selection. FINALLY I use my marketing degree.

Owner: DEI. "Really? Paul Menard and Dale Earnhardt Jr. are teammates? Huh--I had no idea."

Previous Racing Experience: Paul grew up on the mean streets of Eau Claire, cutting his teeth on the ultra-popular, high-pressure Ice Racing circuit. He began his transition to non-water based surfaces in 2000, running an ABC (ARCA-Busch-Challenge) schedule. In 2003 Menard moved on to Andy Petree Racing, where Kenny Wallace's maniacal laugh haunted the race shop at night. Leaving quickly, he settled at DEI, while DEI settled for him. Last year he notched his first Busch Series win, proving that yes, winning in the Busch Series is usually a GOOD thing to do before you move on to Cup (David Stremme, I'm looking in your direction).

Personal Life: Not much is known about Paul's personal life, though judging by his facial hair, I'd say that he's been to his fair share of Dave Mathews concerts.

Fun Fact: Paul started his racing career by finally working up the courage to say "What I'd really like dad is to borrow the car keys. Seeya later, can I have them please."

Riley-D'Hondt: "Uh, we're still here"

2007-03-13T16:39:00.000-05:00

Upstart Busch Series team Riley-D'Hondt Motorsports issued a statement today, explaining that despite not attempting any races so far, they are still in existence.
"Uh, we're still here", said co-owner Eddie D'Hondt. "You know, I wasn't reading a lot about us lately, but yeah, we're still, you know, here."
D'Hondt went on to explain that the team is planning to attempt 10 Busch Series races ("you know, like we said we were gonna") with a driver. When asked if it was David Green, D'Hondt said "Well, yeah, I mean, if David isn't doing anything else those Saturdays...I've been meaning to call him anyways."
The team's "Still Standing, Not Moving", or "SSNM" press release is a rather standard operating procedure in racing. Its similar to the 72 team's "No, we're not out of business" weekly bulletin, BAM Racing's "No, seriously, we have a sponsor" flyer, and The Third Yates Car Gazette.
D'Hondt, who appeared surprised by the questioning, also said that Marc Goosens will "still, probably" race in a select few Cup races.
"Goose and I are putting something together. You know, its done, but its not done. We're there, or something like that."

Crazy Old Man

2007-03-12T19:35:00.000-05:00

Everybody's wondering if Mark Martin will run at Bristol in two weeks. Lots of people think he should run--after all, he's leading the points, and seems to have a legitimate shot at the championship. I, on the other hand, think he should take the week off.

Mostly to reshoot THIS commercial.

The Chris Myers Joke File

2007-03-11T17:17:00.000-05:00

Dick Berggren is so old that he was most likely born before America's involvement in World War II.

Dick Berggren is so old that he qualifies for some Social Security benefits.

Dick Berggren is so old that he looks somewhat different than he used to.

Dick Berggren is so old that he is not as adept at modern technology as those younger than him.

Dick Berggren is so old that he knows several people who are old as well.

Dick Berggren is so old that some of his customs are considered strange by others.

Dick Berggren is so old that he remembers things that happened very long ago, but has a tendency to forget other things as well.

Why is Robby Gordon Running an All Black Car?

2007-03-10T17:08:00.000-05:00

--Harrah's decided at the last minute to spend their money elsewhere. I mean, who connects Las Vegas and gambling, right?

--Car was supposed to have a "totally rad flame job", but the airbrush guy took too much "medicine" and got lost in the desert.

--He's promoting the re-re-release of Spinal Tap's "Black" album.

--Was supposed to be sponsored by Menards, but John Menard realized he has no stores in Las Vegas...and that Robby isn't related to him.

--Protesting Nascar's decision to not let him run a number 777 car.

--Got into a little trouble with Sterling Marlin's sponsors. "Say, that's a nice paint job you got there, Robby-boy. Be a shaaame if something happened to it."

--Oh, the car has a sponsor on it. Yeah, it does? Haven't you ever heard of Jim Beam Black?

Las Vegas "News" and Notes

2007-03-09T17:23:00.000-05:00

Wax statues of Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt Jr. are being added to Madame Tussauds this weekend. And no--that lifelike statue of Ryan Newman isn't always there--that's actually him.

Magic Johnson will be serving as the honorary crew chief for David Green on Sunday to promote a new charity initiative. Don't be surprised if Magic is joined midway through the race by Tommy Davidson.

In a related story, wrestler Bill Goldberg joins Greg Biffle's crew this week to promote his new television show. So if you're keeping track at home, that makes two, count 'em, TWO Jews involved in Nascar.

Even though the season is only two races old, speculation has already centered on a Cup contender--namely, will Mark Martin really step out of his ride at Bristol. Of course he will! Mark's scheduled to sign autographs at his concession trailer from 1-3pm on race Sunday--you don't think he'd lie to a licensing firm, do you?

Dale Earnhardt Jr. will be "joining the SpeedFreaks" according to a press release. Wait for it. I guess that means--wait for it--that's he's getting back together with Shane Hmiel. BAM!

ODDS
3:1 Mark Martin will respond to a question about Bristol with "Have I lied to you before?"
10:1 "Elvis Pressley" will be in the crowd.
200:1 Robert Pressley will be in the pits.

Entertainment and Sports Programming Network

2007-03-08T19:46:00.000-05:00

Hey, remember the "Nascar Ride Along Program" ESPN commercials from the 90's? Huh?!? Well, they're brining them back. And guess who gets to star in 'em? ME! Yeah, it was tough, but sometimes it pays to have had a one-night-stand with Erin Andrews back in college. Anyways, here's the transcripts of some of my upcoming commercials:

Dale Earnhardt Jr.:
THE NASCAR RIDE ALONG PROGRAM PUTS MIKE IN THE ACTION!
Me: I know you're really into those video games, but I haven't played any of 'em since Bill Elliott's Fast Tracks.
Dale Jr.: Hey, man, that game was COOL! I got the camber just right on the Buick!
Me: Yeah, the Thunderbird was more my speed. So, think we can hang out later?
Dale Jr.: No.
NASCAR ON ESPN!

Jeff Gordon
THE NASCAR RIDE ALONG PROGRAM PUTS MIKE IN THE ACTION!
Me: Say, do you have any idea what your sponsor is doing at the "Experimental Station" up by my job?
Jeff: Uh, no...I mean, why would I know anything about that?
Me: Well, its just that I hear these really weird noises coming out of there...and last week I think I saw a creature jump about 20 feet in the air--
Jeff: Listen, Mike--you don't want to know how high this project goes. Now, lets just focus on the ride, and I won't have to kill you.
NASCAR ON ESPN!

Jimmie Johnson
THE NASCAR RIDE ALONG PROGRAM PUTS MIKE IN THE ACTION!
Me: Huh huh huh...Jimmie.
Jimmie: Come on, man, I haven't heard that since I was 12.
Me: Heh heh heh...Johnson.
Jimmie: OK, 15.
NASCAR ON ESPN!

Hey, remember the "Nascar Ride Along Program" ESPN commercials from the 90's? Huh?!? Well, they're brining them back. And guess who gets to star in 'em? ME! Yeah, it was tough, but sometimes it pays to have had a one-night-stand with Erin Andrews back in college. Anyways, here's the transcripts of some of my upcoming commercials:

Dale Earnhardt Jr.:
THE NASCAR RIDE ALONG PROGRAM PUTS MIKE IN THE ACTION!
Me: I know you're really into those video games, but I haven't played any of 'em since Bill Elliott's Fast Tracks.
Dale Jr.: Hey, man, that game was COOL! I got the camber just right on the Buick!
Me: Yeah, the Thunderbird was more my speed. So, think we can hang out later?
Dale Jr.: No.
NASCAR ON ESPN!

Jeff Gordon
THE NASCAR RIDE ALONG PROGRAM PUTS MIKE IN THE ACTION!
Me: Say, do you have any idea what your sponsor is doing at the "Experimental Station" up by my job?
Jeff: Uh, no...I mean, why would I know anything about that?
Me: Well, its just that I hear these really weird noises coming out of there...and last week I think I saw a creature jump about 20 feet in the air--
Jeff: Listen, Mike--you don't want to know how high this project goes. Now, lets just focus on the ride, and I won't have to kill you.
NASCAR ON ESPN!

Tony Stewart
THE NASCAR RIDE ALONG PROGRAM PUTS MIKE IN THE ACTION!
Me: You know, I used to think you were a jerk, but I can see that you're a really nice guy.
Tony: Thanks, man.
Me: I guess you just need to "climb a few fences", eh?
Tony: Wait...were you that hack idiot who wrote that article about me stealing the fence climbing thing?
NASCAR ON ESPN!

Questions Without Answers

2007-03-06T22:08:00.000-05:00

As a longtime Nascar fan (well, since '92), I'm usually able to figure out why certain things are as they are. Sometimes, though, I find a question that I simply cannot answer. That's where YOU, the semi-loyal reader comes in. Please, give me some answers to the following questions:

1. Whatever happened to Loy Allen Jr., Chuck Bown, Billy Standridge, Gary Bradberry, and Patty Moise?

2. Why is Wayman Stricklin nicknamed "Hut"?

3. Did anyone else see the Nascar-themed episode of "Malcolm & Eddie"?

4. If Michael Waltrip really did put jet fuel in his engine, and STP really does contain jet fuel, then didn't Richard Petty promote contraband all those years?

5. How come a man, married twice (both models) is called gay?

6. If Nascar fans think that dates should be given back to North Wilkesboro and Rockingham, should NFL fans lobby to put franchises back in Frankfort, Pottsville, and Oorang?

7. Is it possible to wear a jacket that says "DALE earnhardt jr." instaed of "BUD king of beers" without looking like a gigantic dork?

Chip Ganssi Racing with Fallout So Be It

2007-03-05T19:33:00.000-05:00

Sunday's Busch race in Mexico ended in controversial fashion, with Juan Pablo Montoya winning his first stock car race after spinning out teammate Scott Pruett. Here's a look at what has transpired since:

--According to Scott Pruett, here was the schedule at Chip Ganassi Racing the day before the race:
9am: Talk about it
10am: Talk about it
11am: Talk about it
12pm: Light lunch
12:30pm: Talk about it

--Many people were surprised at Scott's "Simon Cowell" hand gestures after the race. Turns out that audio was cut on Pruett's preceding statement: "I wish I had four hands...so I could give that wreck four thumbs DOWN! The team's gone BAD Juan Montoya!"

--Pruett's co-owner*, Felix Sabates, was furious at the end of the race with Felix Sabates, co-owner of Montoya's car. As a result, Sabates plans to protest Sabates with an all-black "protest" car, followed by a series of bizarre interviews. You know, the usual.

--Off-air, Pruett called Montoya's attempted pass a "horseshit rookie mistake". However, he was even angrier that his team didn't do "diddly-poo in the pits".

--If this had happened in F1, Montoya would've been immediately black-flagged, docked 20 drivers points, and suspended for two races. How DARE he try to create drama!

--All in all, most fans reacted the same way that I did after the race: "Damn, Juan Pablo's got a hot wife!"

*From what I understand, Felix only owns a small percentage of the team. In all other scenarios, he wouldn't be a "co-owner", but then again, it would be too awkward for TV to refer to Felix Sabates as a "minority owner".

Carded!

2007-03-05T05:47:00.000-05:00

Recently, a baseball card came into circulation featuring Derek Jeter at the bat...with the President and Mickey Mantle looking on. But I'd be more worried about Nascar. It seems that someone in the graphics department is having a little fun with racing's favorite blue oval man.

Just like Cal's brother.

Lost in Translation IV: I Race for Me...FOR ME!!!

2007-03-03T15:46:00.000-05:00

As has become an annual international tradition here at The Outside Groove, we take a look at the upcoming Busch Series race in Mexico City. Then, we use Google Language Tools to translate it to the area's native tongue of Spanish. Finally, we make it palatable to the American audience by translating it BACK to English. Lets take a look:

English:
For the third straight year, Nascar takes a trip south of the border to Mexico City. The Busch Series races on Sunday with unprecedented coverage, as ESPN will provide "full circle" coverage across its many networks. While many native drivers will compete, the most famous Hispanic in the race is arguably Juan Pablo Montoya, a Columbian. A twisting, turning road course, it is the first of three such tracks in the Busch Series this year, followed by races at Watkins Glen and Montreal. Expect an interesting race--alas, a race with no "Clint...Bowyer".

To Spanish:
Por el tercer año recto, Nascar lleva un sur del viaje de la frontera Ciudad de México. La serie de Busch compite con el domingo con cobertura sin precedente, pues ESPN proporcionará cobertura del “círculo completo” a través de sus numerosos redes. Mientras que competirán muchos conductores nativos, el hispanico más famoso de la raza es discutible Juan Pablo Montoya, colombino. El torcer, curso del camino que da vuelta, es el primer de tres tales pistas en la serie de Busch este año, seguido por las razas en la cañada y Montreal de Watkins. Contar con una raza interesante--alas, una raza sin “Clint… Bowyer”.

And back to English:

By the third straight year, Nascar takes the south of the trip of the border City of Mexico. The series of Busch competes with Sunday with cover without precedent, because ESPN will provide cover of the “complete circle” through their numerous networks. Whereas many native conductors will compete, Hispanic the most famous one of the race is debatable Juan Pablo Montoya, colombino. Twisting, course of the way that gives return*, is first of the three such tracks in the series of east Busch year, followed by the races in the gorge and Montreal de Watkins. To count on an interesting race--wings, a race without “Clint… Bowyer”.

*"course of the way that gives return"--ahhh, so lyrical...if only it was spoken by Ward Burton

Car of a Few Weeks from Now

2007-03-01T20:39:00.000-05:00

Here's what was learned from Nascar's recent Car of Tomorrow test:

--That wing in the back? TOTALLY helps you pick up chicks at the gas station.

--A bigger green house does NOT mean bigger green house gas emissions, Al Gore.

--After all these years they still haven't found a car impervious to rain.

--Lists about the Car of Tomorrow's "features" are rapidly becoming stale and old.

--Nascar humor, on the whole, has gone downhill.

--Some websites don't seem to even try anymore, like Onion Sports, Sports Pickle, and The Outside Groove.

--STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!

--People who write Nascar humor have serious self esteem problems.

Get to Know a Rookie

2007-02-28T20:48:00.000-05:00

Today, The Outside Groove continues its on-again, off-again look at the rookie drivers of the 2007 Car of This Evening season.

David Reutimann

Number: 00--I don't know about you guys, but when I think about a driver's potential fully realized, I think of Buckshot Jones.

Sponsors: Domino's and Burger King. Yeah, its a drag having to do appearances with "The King", Burger King's goofy mascot, but David's REAL fear is that his other sponsor will bring back The Noid.

Owner: Michael Waltrip Racing. OK, I know that Mikey's having enough problems as it is, but I'm going to say it--has anyone else noticed how much the MWR logo looks like that of the Wu-Tang Clan?

Previous Racing Experience: David was born in Zephyrhills, Florida, where they apparently build big hills out of zephyrs. He started his racing career in the now-defuct Slim Jim All-Pro Series, where he was subject to daily questions about whether or not he needed a little excitement.* David's big break came when he was signed by Joe Nemechek to drive his Geico-sponsored car (and no, he didn't get to meet the cavemen). Shortly afterwards, he signed with Darrell Waltrip's bearing-backed team in the Truck Series. Three years later, after a long, arduous, and ultimately grueling interview process, he moved up to Cup with Darrell's brother.

Personal Life: David lives with his wife and daughter in Terrell, North Carolina--a town whose name he still does not know how to pronounce.

Fun Fact: Despite his name, David does NOT work for Roto-Rooter.

*OHHHH YEEEEAHHH!

Black History Month

2007-02-27T22:04:00.000-05:00

Lets take a look back at how Nascar honored the contributions of African-Americans to the sport:

--At Daytona, Darrell Waltrip agreed to change his trademark catchphrase to "Booker T, Booker T, Booker T! Lets go racin' boys...men, I mean MEN!"

--Instead of that commercial with the guy buying one shoe, Nascar showed that commercial with the kid at the go-kart track saying "Sambelnavis" really fast.

--Diecast manufacturer Motorsport Authentics (nee Action) came out with a line of black diecast cars for the occasion. Furthermore, to honor the great black leaders King, X, and Douglass, a number 3 was painted on the side of the car. Meanwhile, to acknowledge the number of African-American males working so well in the pits, the word "Goodwrench" was added.

--Dale Earnhardt Jr. was quietly asked to stop using slang such as "dawg", "off the hook", and "word to yo stepmotha".

--For 28 days, Bill Lester was, instead of being called "The Black Guy", called "The African-American Guy".

--A vein attempt was made to reintroduce Nascar jackets to inner-city youths as "retro-wear".

--Willie T. Ribbs allowed to shoot at Nascar headquarters for 15 minutes.

--Involving great, progressive sports franchises in their sport, such as the Boston Red Sox (last team to integrate, 1959), and the Washington Redskins (last team to integrate, 1962).

Roush-Fenway Breaks "The Curse of the Craven"

2007-02-26T19:55:00.000-05:00

After two excruciatingly long weeks, fans of Roush-Fenway Racing were finally able to die in peace--their driver finally won a race, breaking the mythical "Curse of the Craven."
"I can't believe they finally did it!", exclaimed long-time (over two weeks) Roush-Fenway fan Woody Kirk. "This was for everybody who had to wait so long for the team to reverse the curse. Its for me, my dad, my uncles, even my wife. It was a long 14 days, but we did it!"
Several sports writers had claimed that the team was "cursed" by former Roush Racing driver/lobster enthusiast Ricky Craven. As the legend goes, Craven placed a call to Jack Roush shortly after he sold half his team to Fenway Sports Group, pointing out that, as a New Englander, he had "corporate synergy or something". When Roush laughed and hung up, Craven was said to have "cursed" the new team.
"We've never believed in curses here, but it had been tough for all those dozens of hours", said Roush-Fenway part-owner John Henry. "I mean, all those close calls, like when we finished second at Daytona, were just...wait, we don't have Mark Martin anymore? Seriously?"
The broken curse was, unfortunately, not without controversy. In conjunction with his new movie "Fever Pace", actor/professional laugher Jimmy Fallon was allowed to run onto the track after the win. After being run over by a spinning Matt Kenseth, however, the crowd cheered in approval.

"Jimmie Johnson, if that was anyone besides Jeff Gordon, would you have raced them differently?"

2007-02-25T20:31:00.000-05:00

"This is what's great about Nascar. This is what the greatest thing about Nascar is. You race to make the Chase. Hello? You race to make the Chase. You don't race it just to win it. That's the great thing about Nascar: you don't race to win, and you can make it if you don't have any wins. You go race to Chase. When you start tellin' me it matters, then go to IRL. Get out! 'Cause it doesn't matter...yet."

20 Years Ago...

2007-02-24T19:47:00.000-05:00

Bob Jenkins: "...and a tough day for Chuck Bown, but I'm sure he has a bright future ahead of him. Lets go down to victory lane with Dr. Jerry Punch, and today's winner. Doc?"

Dr. Jerry Punch: "And ANOTHER win for Darrell Waltrip--a shower of confetti here in victory lane. Darrell, let me ask you--if 20 years from now, you were starring in a commercial parody of "The Godfather", wearing a fake mustache and calling yourself 'The Dreamfather' in a fake-Italian accent, advertising a company that sponsors your brother's Busch Series ride, what would you say?"

Darrell Waltrip: "Jeez, I'd say that would be pretty sad. Man, Doc, why'd you have to bring me down like that? If you EVER see me do ANYTHING like that, you have full permission to smack me in the face."

California "News" and Notes

2007-02-23T22:58:00.000-05:00

Mike Skinner's analysis of his team's runs at California before his win this weekend--"We sucked here". That's why they call him the great communicator.

Michael Waltrip failed to qualify for Sunday's race when David Reutimann knocked him out of the field. Expect Reutimann to be rewarded with a paid leave of absence.

On the flip side, Johnny Sauter continues his surprising run, qualifying again. Wow, put two guys fired from RCR together, and magic happens. Hope you're listening, Robby Gordon and Steve Park.

For the past few years this race's sponsor has been "Auto Club". Is it just me, or does "Auto Club 500" sound incredibly fake? Like the kind of race a sitcom family would go to see? "Hey dad, don't forget the tickets to the Auto Club 500!"

In honor of LA-based Fox Sports' Nascar coverage, the famous Hollywood sign will be changed to pre-race host Jeff Hammond's nickname.

ODDS
2:1 Jeff Gordon will have to explain how he claims both California and Indiana as his home state (hey, Jeff, it happens--I claim THREE)
9:2 After this week's complaints about the size of the Shell logo on the 29, the continuing debate over Cingular/AT&T on the 31, and the morality of having Jack Daniels on the 07, Richard Childress will just run a bunch of blank cars.
40:1 John Andretti will somehow find a way to run for Rookie of the Year.

Get to Know a Rookie

2007-02-22T19:54:00.000-05:00

This year, Nascar was flooded with a wealth of new talent...and Brandon Whitt. Today The Outside Groove starts an occasional series, Get to Know a Rookie, looking at the young drivers who'll be shaping the future of the sport...until they're fired at age 38.

Juan Pablo Montoya

Number: 42--Remember Juan Pablo, no matter what happens, Don't Panic.

Sponsor: Texaco Havoline--That's Texaco HAVOLINE! He's NOT just sponsored by the gasoline company! That's heresy I say...heresy!

Owner: Chip Ganassi Racing with Felix Sabates--I always imagine this title referring to the two of them running a roadster in a cross-country race, with Chip as the desperate dad trying to win the race to buy back his family's dream house, while Felix is the lovable sidekick who winds up marrying the lovely Miss Speedley.

Previous Racing Experience: Juan Pablo ran numerous Karting series as a youth, much like Jeff Gordon (while avoiding the goofy mustache). He then moved on to various open-wheel minor leagues, such as Formula Vauxhall, F3000, and CART. After "crossing over" to IRL to win the Indy 500 (wouldn't that make him undefeated?), he moved to F1, running with Williams and, as Larry Mac would say, MAC-laren. Then Ryan Newman plowed him into the wall.

Personal Life: While rather even-keeled off the track, he automatically punches anyone who asks him if he's met Juan Valdez. While a proud Columbian, his celebrity status makes it difficult for him to live there--HE CAN'T WALK DOWN THE STREET IN SOUTH AMERICA!

Fun Fact: Nascar hasn't really promoted this, but apparently Juan Pablo is Hispanic.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. to Finally Meet Joe Gibbs

2007-02-20T21:11:00.000-05:00

After years of putting it off, trying, and worrying, Dale Earnhardt Jr. has said that this weekend, at California, he will finally talk to his boyhood hero, Joe Gibbs.
"Man, I've been waiting for this my whole life!", a visibly shaking Junior said. "I mean, I grew up watching those great teams of the 80's that Mr. Gibbs coached. Do you think I should call him Mr. Gibbs? Or Coach Gibbs? Maybe just Coach. Nah, Mr. Gibbs is best."
Junior, a longtime fan of the Redskins, first heard that Gibbs would be at the track on Monday afternoon. He immediately began running through things to talk about.
"I'd love to talk to him about the Super Bowls and stuff, but he probably gets that all the time. I should probably play it cool and just ask him what he thinks the 'Skins will do in 2007. Wait, he probably gets that all the time too. I REALLY want to ask him what he thinks about Art Monk getting robbed by the Hall of Fame again, but I don't want to start things out on a downer."
When pressed, Junior explained that he has had opportunities to meet the coach before, but, in his words, "chickened out".
When I was like 14, Mr. Gibbs--man, maybe i SHOULD go with Coach Gibbs--was at Rockingham with Interstate Batteries, and talked some with my dad. Dad motioned for me to come over, but I was so scared--I mean, its Joe freakin' Gibbs! I hope he doesn't remember me for that.
"Then back in 2003, he was doing some sort of publicity tour with Wix Filters, and he came by Dover Downs through the pits. I would've gone up to him then, but this guy on my team wouldn't stop yakking my ear off. Something about starting his own team and using an octane booster."
Junior plans to "bump in" to Gibbs on Saturday afternoon. He swears he won't back down this time.
"If I don't meet up with him this time, I'll never forgive myself! I just gotta figure out if I should wear the Joe Theismann throwback, or the new Clinton Portis jersey I got for Christmas."

Breaking News: Harvick Passes Inspection

2007-02-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

In a move that has shocked the racing world, Nascar has announced that 2007 Daytona 500 winner Kevin Harvick has passed through the post-race inspection process.
"This comes as a total shock to all of us", explained teammate and rules guru Jeff Burton. "Its just been so rare lately to see a car make it through inspection without incident, you're surprised to see it happen."
Car owner Richard Childress was unable to explain his car's compliant condition.
"We worked hard all week to make sure we were all square and legal", said Childress, "but its still a real surprise to have this not happen. We don't know who's responsible yet, but to be safe we're putting the whole team on a 6-day leave of absence from racing with pay."
Nascar spokesman Jim Hunter were quick to call a press conference explaining the non-ruling.
"We're sending a message here--follow the rules, and you will not be punished. The only thing we found wrong with the car was a badly dislodged rear-view mirror."
Harvick himself was contrite but respectful once reached for comment.
"Once I found out that we had passed inspection, I thought about leaving the track and going home. Then I realized that the race had ended hours ago, so I did."
2nd-place finisher Mark Martin was unavailable for comment, as he was busy wrapping himself in layers upon layers of yellow flags.

Overnight Reaction

2007-02-19T05:48:00.000-05:00

7pm What a finish!

8pm One of the 3 greatest finishes in Daytona history.

9pm The greatest finish in Daytona history.

10pm The greatest finish in Nascar history.

11pm The greatest finish in sports history.

12pm The greatest thing in sports.

1am The greatest thing in exhibited entertainment.

2am The greatest thing in the country.

3am The greatest thing in the world.

4am (tape of drivers fighting in the infield, a crash of the top-two drivers on the last lap, and Dale Earnhardt finally winning).

5am What a finish!

Waltrip to the Lab

2007-02-17T19:46:00.000-05:00

Nascar has announced that they will reveal the content of the gel-like substance in Michael Waltrip's engine next week. That hasn't stopped the Nascar community from buzzing as to what it might be. Here's some theories:

One Nascar commentator pointed to Waltrip's recent signing of Dr. Scholls as a sponsor as a clue. "Are you gellin', Michael?" "Like a rules felon, I'm gellin'!"

Several crew chiefs have said that the substance was, technically, legal, and was simply the results of putting 87 octane in a Nextel Cup engine.

Independent results from San Francisco's famed BALCO labs have identified two substances--old Eric Clapton albums and those unsellable Lucite diecast cars from the 90's. They've dubbed them "The Cream" and "The Clear".

A Nascar official (John Darby, wishing to remain anonymous), wondered aloud if it was all a simple mix-up of the car's oil cans and Mikey's hair gel.

"If you ever tried to solve an overheating engine by adding cooking oil...you might be a redneck."

A consensus has developed amongst many drivers that the actual source of the substance may never be found, seeing how the crew chief of the team is named Hyder.

Daytona "News" and Notes--Waltrip-Free Edition

2007-02-16T23:03:00.000-05:00

After a surprising showing in the Duels, James Hylton has announced that he'll be returning to attempt the Pepsi 400 in Joo-lye. While he owns the car, the engine is on lease from Joe Gibbs. Careful, James--go over the mileage limit, and Joe'll hit you with a BIG payment.

ESPN officially restarts its Nascar race coverage Saturday with the Busch Series Orbitz 300. Despite new graphics, cutting-edge reporting, and a tight announcing crew, fans will be most surprised to learn that Brent Musburger is still alive.

As in past years, the Daytona 500 follows a rigid format--eight laps, sometimes less if you don't get a time extension.

Last place gets over $250,000. Over $250,000! Meanwhile, the last place finisher in the season-opening Champ Car race somehow OWES $40.

Fox and MRN are planning pre-races of over an hour long each. With Kenny Wallace sitting this one out, it'll be a challenge.

ODDS
EVEN--Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s first question after the race will be, "Junior, do you see yourself staying at DEI past this season?"
8:1--Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s first question in Victory Lane will be, "Junior, do you see yourself staying at DEI past this season?"
100:1--Mike Joy will refer to Mike Wallace's car as being "...on the warpath", then be fired by Fox mid-week.

The Real Story of Michael Waltrip

2007-02-15T20:20:00.000-05:00

Kids, let me tell you a story. Its the story of a man, an old man, named Jimmy. Now, Old Jimmy, as he was known, used to be a racer. A pretty good one too--he won a few races, and made a little bit of money. While lots of Old Jimmy's friends retired or took other jobs, Old Jimmy stuck at it, racing anywhere they'd have him.
One day Old Jimmy got a crazy idea--he'd race in the biggest race of them all, the Daytona 500! But Old Jimmy was pretty old by now. Who would pay for Old Jimmy to follow his dream? Why, his best friend of course. So Old Jimmy and his friend went down to Daytona to show those young boys a thing or two about racing.
Old Jimmy knew things were going to be rough, but he didn't know just how rough it would be. Old Jimmy's car was pretty slow at the beginning, and he was starting to wonder if he should be trying to race at all. Then the race came--the race that, if he finished high enough, he'd make it to the Daytona 500.
Old Jimmy was so excited! He was doing well! So well, in fact, that he was almost in the race! And with eight laps to go, he WAS in the race, he just needed to hold on!
And what happened next? Well, Old Jimmy got passed by a cheating corporate shill who passed the blame for breaking the rules onto a sacrificial lamb, who he then fired immediately. Old Jimmy wasn't going to run in the Daytona 500. But Old Jimmy wasn't sad. No--he was happy. Because no matter what happens, he could say that he tried his best, and did it the right way.

Michael Waltrip: Caught!

2007-02-14T18:57:00.000-05:00

The Nascar world was abuzz today about one thing--Mark Martin's announcement that he will drive for 18 different teams this season. Some people, however, were focusing on other news: Michael Waltrip's massive punishment for cheating. Here's some highlights and lowlights of the story:

--Michael is fined 100 driver points, while his owner, wife Buffy, was fined 100 owners points. Reportedly Michael attempted to transfer the crew chief position to his dog, Country Time, but was unable to in time.

--Speaking of which, Michael's actual crew chief, David Hyder, has been suspended indefinitely. This immediately puts Waltrip along with Matt Kenseth and the Evernham cars as favorites to win the Daytona 500 and the Nextel Cup Championship.

--Waltrip Racing VP of Competition Bobby Kennedy was also suspended indefinitely. In a brief statement, Kennedy defended himself, stating "Some see Toyotas running slow and say, 'why'? I see a Vaseline-like substance and say 'why not'?"

--ESPN provided extensive coverage on the controversy. Here's what I was able to ascertain from it:
1. Rusty Wallace is a HUGE advocate for all drivers not from South Bend Indiana. He's like Michael Irvin without the crack problem.
2. Boris Said looks hilarious in a suit.
3. Marty Smith looks hilarious in a suit.

--Toyota was dealt a major blow in their attempt to ingratiate themselves to the Nascar faithful. Many Nascar fans were disappointed with the foreign automaker, such as fan Christina Salem, who said "...this is the worst thing Japan has ever done to us."

--Michael WILL be able to drive in the Gatorade Duels. So it keeps my ultimate hopes alive--that Michael Waltrip will be beaten in a race by a 72-year-old man.

And the Last-Place Driver in the 2007 Points Race Will Be...

2007-02-12T19:39:00.001-05:00

TREVOR BOYS!!!

Mr. Boys (yes, that's his real name) is attempting the full 2007 schedule...or so he says. But who is this mysterious driver? Lets take a look:

--Trevor hails from Calgary, Alberta Canada. He's being billed as the worst there was, the worst there is, and the worst there ever will be.

--Trevor is also billed on his website as "Nascar's longest-running Canadian", which is a little like me billing myself as "The Most Influential Person in Nascar from Newark, Delaware."

--Boys' crew chief is Cicero Scott, cousin of NBA coach Byron Scott. No word yet on if Jason Kidd will try to get Cicero fired by the end of the season.

--Scott is also being billed as Nascar's 2nd African-American crew chief, following in the footsteps of Lucius Washington.

--Trevor's last Cup race was in 1993. Look for The Spin Doctors and flannel shirts to make a comeback later this year.

--Boys has a son in racing named...Wheeler. Look out, Wheeler--Tom Cruise is going to fake to the bottom!

--The team is owned by Trevor Boys and Eddie Kucharski. And its called H&K Motorsports. Makes TOTAL sense.

Something Beats a Bud

2007-02-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

Its time to reveal my last place driver for 2007, a driver who--
"Hey, Mike--are you going to watch the Shootout on Saturday?"
--is going to really struggle to struggle this season. He'll wonder why--
"Mike--who do you think's gonna win the Shootout tomorrow night?"
--as I was saying, HE'LL WONDER WHY he ever even tried to--
"Mike, where's your 'News' and Notes article for the Shootout?"
--...WHATEVER.

(guitar riff)
I went down to the sports bar and saw this Kasey fan,
She was, like, all "the Shootout's on"
And I was, like, "whatever!"
(guitar riff)
Then this chick comes up to me and she's all, like,
"Why are you watching the Pro Bowl?"
And I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"
(guitar riff)
So later I'm at my job
And this girl comes up
And she's, like, "catch the race last night?"
And I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"

Cuz this is my
Budweiser Shootout WHATEVER!
And this is my
Budweiser Shootout WHATEVER!
And this is my
Budweiser Shootout WHATEVER!
(guitar riff)
And then it's four AM
Its Sunday morning I'm starting work...
This dude comes up and he's, like, "Tape the race?"
I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"
(guitar riff)
Then I'm on some message board that afternoon
The moderator sends me a PM and he's like
"Man that race was really--"
And I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"
(guitar riff)
And then up comes Zafo
I'm, like, "yo, Zafo. Catch the race?"
He's, like, "nah, man'"
And I'm, like, "that's cool."

Cuz this is my
Budweiser Shootout WHATEVER!
And this is my
Budweiser Shootout WHATEVER!

2007 Nextel Cup Championship Preview...Part 5

2007-02-08T20:03:00.000-05:00

...And the rest...

36. 66 Jeff Green
Prediction: Jeff will miss the top-35 by mere points. Lets see how he blames Kevin Harvick for THIS.
Bold Prediction: With new Windows Vista, Jeff will be able to crash twice as many times each Sunday.
Fun Fact: Tune in to Court TV to find out why Gene Haas is the REAL intimidator.

37. 7 Robby Gordon
Prediction: Robby will skip the 600 to race at Indy. Then, ironically, he’ll miss the Brickyard 400.
Bold Prediction: To make a point, Robby will go on a starvation diet to get down to the weight of wet-leather-jacket competitor Danica Patrick.
Fun Fact: Speaking of which, did anyone else notice that the guy in the GoDaddy.com Super Bowl ads is also the guy in the FedEx Denny Hamlin ads?

38. 00* David Reutimann
Prediction: French soldiers of fortune will kidnap David, explaining that they are hot on the trail of the infamous Rue Diamond.
Bold Prediction: David will cause The Big One at Daytona, when a blown tire results in over 20 cars being taken out. It will be known as the Burger King Effect.
Fun Fact: That chicken fries commercial still makes me laugh. Is something wrong with me?

39. 15* Paul Menard
Prediction: Aliens will kidnap Paul, explaining that his car is the only one that can be seen from space.
Bold Prediction: Paul will extricate himself from the brewing feud at DEI by DNQ’ing for a number of races.
Fun Fact: Huh huh huh…’nard.

40. 14 Sterling Marlin
Prediction: Sterling will retire at the end of the year, issuing a simple press release stating, “Boys, ‘M dun”.
Bold Prediction: The accompanying Nascar Scene article on Sterling’s retirement will be titled “Sterling’s Silver”.
Fun Fact: In a desperate attempt to raise more revenue, the Florida Marlins are trying to charge Sterling Marlin licensing fees.

41. 55 Michael Waltrip—Expect big things from Mikey in 2007. Like introducing Derrike Cope as his highly-paid Designated Qualifyer.

42. 4 Ward Burton—Ward’s back, and he’s got his furry little woodland friends to help him!

43. 36 Jeremy Mayfield—Anytime your sponsor owns both 360 OTC and AERO Exhaust, you’re in trouble.

44. 13 Joe Nemechek—You can be Certainteed that he’ll need a Bacardi to make it through this year.

45. 70 Johnny Sauter—Why?

46. 84* A.J. Allmendinger—“I wanna go back to the Champy Cars! I wanna go back! Nobody watched me there!”

47. 49 Mike Bliss—What’s on the trailer on Sunday morning?

48. 78 Kenny Wallace—Suge Knight isn’t involved in this row…yet.

49. 61 Kevin Lepage—Doin’ it for the Catamounts.

50. 72 Brandon Whitt—Carrying on that Shelmerdine tradition.

51. 74 Derrike Cope—Well, he’ll always have his looks.

(And who’ll come in last place? Find out NEXT).

2007 Nextel Cup Championship Preview...Part 4

2007-02-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

Today we look at the drivers who make it into the Top 35 for 2008, thus avoiding an off-season of irrelevancy.

31. 6* David Ragan
Prediction: David will have a rough rookie year, but close strong once he’s able to forget the fact that he’s driving a Ford.
Bold Prediction: David’s already looking at the entire 2007 season as a way to prepare for the 2008 season, which is a way to prepare for making the Chase in 2009.
Fun Fact: David spends 15 minutes a day reminding himself that his sponsor is not pronounced “Ayyyye”.

32. 45 Kyle Petty
Prediction: Kyle will enter the Daytona 500 in a stagecoach.
Bold Prediction: To promote sponsor American Spirit (Marathon Oil’s motor oil line), Kyle will begin walking everywhere with a boom box blaring “Real American” by Derringer.
Fun Fact: If released from its ponytail, Kyle’s ‘fro would fill 2/3 of Talladega Speedway.

33. 38 David Gilliland
Prediction: David will run the first half of the season with Ricky Rudd in the passenger seat.
Bold Prediction: To retain the fans of the M&M’s car, David will grow his hair longer, take up hunting, and get an older brother with a funny voice.
Fun Fact: It CAN’T be a good sign that the sponsor for David’s Busch win was called “Hype Manufacturing”.

34. 21** Ken Schrader/Jon Wood
Prediction: Little Debbie is slated to run the car in the Nextel All-Star Challenge, plus run a limited Busch schedule.
Bold Prediction: If this is indeed Kenny’s last season, his retirement tour will be called “Motorcrafting a Force for a Little Wood”.
Fun Fact: Jon Wood had to fill out an application just like everyone else. So there.

35. 83 Brian Vickers
Prediction: Brian will squeeze into the top-35, setting up Red Bull for a dominating run of top-30s in 2008.
Bold Prediction: Brian will secretly regret not asking Robert Yates about getting the 38 ride.
Fun Fact: The point of the joke above was a “Vickers/Snickers” reference.

(This might surprise you, but Part 5 is next)

2007 Nextel Cup Championship Preview...Part 3

2007-02-04T17:59:00.000-05:00

After a brief delay to get over a nasty case of Nascar fever, here's Part 3 of our preview, spots 21-30:

21. 19 Elliott Sadler
Prediction: Elliott will continue the great heritage of the 19 car, following in the footsteps of such legends as Jeremy Mayfield, Casey Atwood, and all those guys at Blair Motorsports.
Bold Prediction: Elliott will shock his fans with an unsurprising, completely ground-level race at Talladega.
Fun Fact: Elliott himself is unaware of the irony that he once raced for M&M’s, despite Reese’s Pieces appearing in the move ET.

22. 16 Greg Biffle
Prediction: Greg will put on 50 pounds this year. Damn you Jared Fogle!
Bold Prediction: Just to “spice things up”, Jack Roush will take to following Greg around the pits in a grim reaper uniform.
Fun Fact: Greg has taken a recent interest in fishing, much like several other drivers. “So Biff wants to be a buff?”

23. 10 Scott Riggs
Prediction: Scott will capture his first Nextel Cup win this year. Afterwards, he’ll have his picture taken with it, then release it into the wild.
Bold Prediction: Scott will be constantly referred to by TV commentators as “the driver who did NOT miss the Daytona 500”.
Fun Fact: Just like Mark Martin before him, Scott is a workout buff. So THAT’S why Johnny Benson had so much trouble.

24. 96 Tony Raines
Prediction: Tony will finish highest amongst single car teams in the points standings, and challenge for several wins. Really.
Bold Prediction: Tony will be fired following the season for violating Nascar’s “anyone over the age of 35 is too old” policy.
Fun Fact: Tony Raines, formerly of the 74 car, is now driving for one of the fastest-growing teams in Nextel Cup. How is this possible? It’s the mirrors.

25. 88 Ricky Rudd
Prediction: Ricky has considered naming this season the “Ricky Don’t Lose That Number” tour.
Bold Prediction: Apparently Tony Kornheiser was unwilling to transfer the rights to Ricky’s original choice, “I’m Back for More Cash”.
Fun Fact: Snickers isn’t just a sponsor. Its what Ricky will hear when he says he’s gunning for the Nextel Cup.

26. 41 Reed Sorenson
Prediction: Reed will team with David Stremme to push Ganassi Racing back to its rightful spot ABOVE Ginn but BELOW Evernham.
Bold Prediction: Reed will become the first driver since Ted Musgrave to back off on a chance to win a race.
Fun Fact: When asked why, Reed will explain that naming his associate sponsors in Victory Lane would take “…at least 40 minutes.”

27. 18 J.J. Yeley
Prediction: JJ will compete as the odds-on favorite for the 2007 Most Irrelevant Driver award.
Bold Prediction: Part of JJ’s lack of early success stems from his inability to give up the power slide.
Fun Fact: JJ STILL doesn’t know why everybody at University of Maryland hates him.

28. 40 David Stremme
Prediction: To spice up his image, he’ll start going by “Dave” around Bristol time.
Bold Prediction: Race fans who’ve eaten at Lone Star Steakhouse will understand why they’re now associated with Tums.
Fun Fact: Every time David Stremme is shown on television, Tim Fedewa cries.

29. 22 Dave Blaney
Prediction: To spice up his image, he’ll start going by “David” around Bristol time.
Bold Prediction: Toyota will finally reward Bill Davis for sticking with them through all the tough times with a free undercoat on a 2008 Camry.
Fun Fact: If Erin Crocker defected to BDR and ran this car, wouldn’t that make her the CAT-woman?

30. 01**Mark Martin/Regan Smith (**--multiple drivers)
Prediction: All the attention goes to Mark, while most people barely know Regan is with the team. Kinda like the government’s views on Iraq and Afghanistan, eh?
Bold Prediction: Mark will run (amongst all three series), a Chevy, Ford, Toyota, Dodge, Pontiac, Edsel, and Tucker.
Fun Fact: Mispronunciations on TV of the name Ginn: 2.5 per race weekend.

(Part 4 next)

2007 Nextel Cup Championship Preview...Part 2

2007-02-01T18:23:00.000-05:00

For Part 2, we look at the points standings from 13th through 20th place, the guys who wish the Chase was expanded to 70 drivers or so:

13. 2 Kurt Busch
Prediction: Kurt will deal with narrowly missing the Chase by picking up garbage on the side of an Arizona highway. Damn community service.
Bold Prediction: Bristol domination will continue, and so will simmering, barely contained rage from Jimmy Spencer.
Fun Fact: After last year’s successful surgery to pin his ears back, Kurt spent this off-season implanting a chip in his brain to make fans like him.

14. 11 Denny Hamlin
Prediction: Denny will continue his mastery of ALL Nascar tracks shaped like a triangle.
Bold Prediction: In support for the Washington Redskins, Denny is preparing to overspend, fail miserably, and refuse to deal with a legacy of racism (note: written by a lifetime New York Giants fan).
Fun Fact: Even Denny doesn’t know why his car is painted black.

15. 9 Kasey Kahne
Prediction: Kasey will retain his status as a teen idol. Meanwhile, Bill Elliott will retain his status as a geriatric idol.
Bold Prediction: Kasey’s season will spin out of control once he realizes how much Ray Evernham looks like a skinny Fred Willard.
Fun Fact: By virtue of his winnings in 2006, Kasey officially became the richest reality TV star of all time not affiliated with the USFL.

16. 25 Casey Mears
Prediction: Casey will score his first win, and it WON’T be by pissing off half of the Nascar fan base.
Bold Prediction: Casey’s win will electrify his 10 fans who don’t have another favorite driver.
Fun Fact: The dreaded Mears Gang is wanted on weapons charges in 14 states and 2 provinces.

17. 44 Dale Jarrett
Prediction: Dale will be the highest-finishing Toyota in the points standings, thusly making him the least-popular driver in the sport.
Bold Prediction: Toyota will go winless in 2007, prompting executives to invest 59 kajillion dollars for 2008.
Fun Fact: If Dale doesn’t put up big numbers this year, he could be forced to Race the Truck…for Germain.

18. 42* Juan Pablo Montoya (*--rookie)
Prediction: JPM WILL win a race in 2007. Its true. So get your angry, racist message board posts ready!
Bold Prediction: Juan Pablo will flatly deny that, for a period in the 90’s, he went by the nickname of “Monty BurnsRubber”.
Fun Fact: Texaco Havoline users everywhere will finally have someone they can relate to—a millionaire Columbian.

19. 26 Jamie McMurray
Prediction: Jamie will continue to be that driver who is considered a superstar, but hasn’t won in four years.
Bold Prediction: Jamie will become that driver who drives best over a few ice cubes, gently swirled.
Fun Fact: Jamie isn’t even the most famous person from his hometown of Joplin, Missouri—that title goes to Langston Hughes. Just another part in The Outside Groove’s Salute to Black History Month.

20. 43 Bobby Labonte
Prediction: Bobby will nearly win a race, but lose when he realizes how hideous his car looks with that paint scheme.
Bold Prediction: This just might be the year Bobby achieves his goal of meeting the Honey Nut Cheerios bee. Just might be. Just might.
Fun Fact: Bobby was nearly removed from the 43 car last year after giving an interview where he failed to say that Petty Enterprises was “…turning the corner”.

Part 3 Tomorrow

2007 Nextel Cup Championship Preview...Part 1

2007-01-31T19:36:00.000-05:00

The 2007 Preview is here! Keep two things in mind:
1. This is based on owners points, not drivers points.
2. I'm pretty dumb.

Lets start things off with the tops in the sport. These 12 drivers will make the Chase...unless Nascar arbitrarily changes the rules again.

1. 17 Matt Kenseth
Prediction: Matt Kenseth will win the 2007 Nextel Cup Championship, becoming the most electrifying two-time champion since Terry Labonte.
Bold Prediction: Matt will shock his fans by referring to his 2007 run as the “Brett Favre, please retire” Tour.
Fun Fact: Matt has no stapler at Roush Racing. Damn you Mark Martin!

2. 20 Tony Stewart
Prediction: Tony will hold the points lead for most of the season, then, after an early-Chase slump, attempt to injure his hand in an attempt at resurgence.
Bold Prediction: Tony will be fined $5,000 by the NFL for excessive celebration.
Fun Fact: When not racing, Tony likes to relax by doing a little racing.

3. 48 Jimmie Johnson
Prediction: Jimmie will lead the series in wins, but fall out of Chase contention after getting completely lost in the lumber section of an area Lowes.
Bold Prediction: Jimmie will sweat. On TV. After a race.
Fun Fact: Jimmie is the five-time champion of the Beavis and Butt-head “Most Popular Driver” award.

4. 24 Jeff Gordon
Prediction: Jeff will work overtime to reclaim his spot as the dominate driver of his generation. Unfortunately, he won’t get paid for it.
Bold Prediction: In accordance with his sponsorship contract with GM, his wife will now be professionally known as Ingrid VandeACDelco.
Fun Fact: Jeff will go into rehab for a nasty addiction to Nicorette. The cure? Pure, smooth tobacco goodness of Winston-brand cigarettes (endorsed by Fred Flintstone!)

5. 29 Kevin Harvick
Prediction: Kevin will win the Daytona 500, then dedicate the win to his owners—Richard Childress, and a large, faceless investment firm.
Bold Prediction: Kevin will officially adopt the nickname “Young Yeller”.
Fun Fact: To paraphrase the great Mitch Hedberg: “Kevin would love to back to Little League now—he’d kick some ass!”

6. 12 Ryan Newman
Prediction: Ryan will get off to a fast start, then fade away. Whether Rusty Wallace’s voodoo is the reason is anyone’s guess.
Bold Prediction: New rules enforced by Nextel will force his paint scheme to read “Not Alltel Wireless”.
Fun Fact: After missing the top ten, Ryan’s annual “contract renewal” with his wife was held up. She renegotiated after getting concessions for weekly garbage removal and transference of dog-walking duties.

7. 5 Kyle Busch
Prediction: Kyle will post an up-and-down season, varying from running g-r-r-r-eat to seemingly being on a quest to find a good car.
Bold Prediction: To complete his public image, Kyle will incorporate the phrases “Golly Sir!” and “Gee Willakers!” into post-race interviews.
Fun Fact: Combines the driving ability of Kyle Petty with the great social skills of Kurt Busch.

8. 8 Dale Earnhardt, Jr
Prediction: Junior will NOT win a race this year. The diecast market will subsequently collapse.
Bold Prediction: For shutting down the diecast industry, Junior will be named Time Magazine’s Man of the Year.
Fun Fact: In addition to his sister, Junior also allows a blonde, out-of-work actor to live on his property in a guest house. What could go wrong?

9. 99 Carl Edwards
Prediction: After winning this year, Carl, instead of flipping, will produce a piece of cardboard and break-dance on the finish line.
Bold Prediction: Bruce Springsteen will remake the song “Johnny 99” in Carl’s honor, preceding it with a meandering five-minute long rap session about his father.
Fun Fact: “My old man, he was never much for racin’. He used to say, ‘boy, you race that car, you’re gonna wind up in jail.’ Well some folks do wind up in jail. And some become…Carl 99. Ah-ONE TWO THREE FOUR!”

10. 1 Martin Truex Jr.
Prediction: Martin will become the marketing juggernaut DEI has been looking for for so long.
Bold Prediction: In an effort to differentiate himself from Dale Earnhardt Jr., Truex Jr. will take the new nickname “Tru2”.
Fun Fact: Truex is currently seeing a woman named Sherry Pollex. No word on whether or not his favorite movie is XXX.

11. 31 Jeff Burton
Prediction: Jeff’s 2006 dream season, where he made it back to the top of the sport, will be replaced by Jeff’s 2007 dream season, where he’s trying to walk across a bridge with Jimmy Carter and a parrot with a French accent.
Bold Prediction: After losing sponsor Cingular, Kirk Shelmerdine will step up and help former owner Richard Childress with some sponsorship.
Fun Fact: Upon hearing the Nextel “chirp” sound, Jeff immediately flies into a fit of rage.

12. 07 Clint Bowyer
Prediction: With Clint Bowyer narrowly making the Chase, RCR will have returned to its glory days of Dale Earnhardt and no teammate.
Bold Prediction: On St. Patrick’s Day, he’ll be known as Clint O’Bowyer.
Fun Fact: Clint spent the entire off-season aging in a barrel.

(more tomorrow)

Body of Work

2007-01-30T20:57:00.000-05:00

Can't believe it, but I left off some prominent names from my Body Parts Hall of Fame (yesterday's article). To recap, here's the original list:

Luther Head (basketball)
Reggie Tongue (football)
Norman Hand (football)
Daunte Finger (racing)
Katherine Legge (racing)
Adam Foote (hockey)
Toe Blake (hockey)

and here's some more...
Louis Lipps (football)
Brian Mohler (baseball)
Jerry Ball (football)
Greg Sacks (racing)
and, of course, Dick Trickle (SportsCenter)

I Am A Whiny Jerk

2007-01-29T21:27:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. I have a bunch of articles swimming around my brain, but I've been busy as anything at work, and fighting a nasty head cold. To make matters worse, I'm in the middle of reading "1984", so I'm constantly thinking that Nascar's Thought Police are going to vaporize me. I'll start writing again ASAP (probably tomorrow, definitely by Wednesday), but I had a bizarre thought at work that I simply MUST share:
While catching some of the Rolex 24 at Daytona, I heard that Katherine Legge was racing. Her name caught my attention, as did FitzBradshaw crew member/NBS 24/7 cast member Daunte Finger. They're part of the multi-sport concoction I call the Body Parts Hall of Fame. Here's the entries I have so far (working down):

Luther Head (basketball)
Reggie Tongue (football)
Norman Hand (football)
Daunte Finger (racing)
Katherine Legge (racing)
Adam Foote (hockey)
Toe Blake (hockey)

Feel free to add any of your own entries.

Jacques Villeneuve Considering Options for Lunch

2007-01-26T20:16:00.000-05:00

With noontime fast approaching, Jacques Villeneuve has been weighing his options for his next lunchtime. Sources currently have him leaning towards some sort of sandwich, though nothing is set in stone as of yet.
"I'm looking at what will be best for my career at this point", explained a slightly hungry Villeneuve, "We've been looking at numerous choices, but we don't want to commit to anything at this time.
Villeneuve is most famous for his exploits with delivery pizza, eating some of the best pies made in the 90's. However, Villeneuve stopped ordering the tasty treat when he started getting more and more crusts with burn marks on them--Black Markers, if you will.
Rumors from as early as 9:30am had Villeneuve making a long-awaited move to a sandwich, and was reportedly in negotiation with a local deli for a foot-long hoagie. However, recent developments may have him dropping down to a smaller type of sandwich.
"We don't want to bite off more than we can chew", said Villeneuve, "and right now I just don't think a foot-long is the way to go. We're currently looking at 6-inch subs, and we can go with a kaiser roll if needed."
Villeneuve has stated several times that if he cannot find a satisfactory lunch, he may skip it all together. However, those close to him say that is a remote possibility.
"Jacques was born to eat", said close Villeneuve confident and back-up lunch-picker-upper Kirk Woodley. "A guy like that can't go without lunch for too long. I'd hate to see him turn down a great opportunity, then wind up regretting it around 3pm."

That's the Breaks

2007-01-21T22:27:00.000-05:00

The Outside Groove takes a few days off this week, but shall return on Friday. In the meantime, why don't you leave a comment on this article with YOUR favorite storylines you'd like to see some other drivers pursue. Remember, there are no Mr. Irrelevants in Nascar...besides Wally Dallenbach.

The 2007 Nascar Nextel Cup Storyline Daft...continued

2007-01-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

Chris Berman: Back to New York, where the 2007 Nascar Nextel Cup Storyline Draft rolls on--we're through three picks already, Mel--where do you see Martin "To Tell the" Truex going with the fourth pick?

Mel Mackler Jr.: They could go in a couple of directions, Chris. Early word had them going with "Disappointing Junior Crony", but sentiment in the DEI camp now has them going a sightly more risky route, you could see them grab "First Time Race Winner" in the four spot.

Berman: Back to the podium with "Andy Van" Mike Helton.

Helton: With the fourth pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Martin Truex selects...Last Driver in the Chase.

(crowd chants "Mayfield! Mayfield!")

Berman: A sound choice for the Jersey boys, but do you like this pick, Mel?

Mackler: Not at all, Chris--Last Driver in the Chase has not worked out well for similar drivers over the past few years. You look at a guy like Jeremy Mayfield, he took that pick TWO years in a row, got almost ZERO press out of it. In fact, it was a late round selection of "Guy with Chubby Dogs" that got Jeremy his most attention over the past few seasons. Not a good pick at all.

Berman: Lets head to the floor with Pat O'Brien "and Murphy"

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, and I'm here with Martin Truex and New York Jets fan Kirk Church--Kirk, what do you think of this controversial pick?

Kirk: This is the worst day of my life--I should just go home and hang myself right now. If it wasn't for having the lead singer of U2 as our crew chief, I'd go back to being a Steve Park fan.

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, back up to you.

Berman: Well we now see the first real wild card pick of the day, Sterling Marlin, at the fifth pick--any idea on where he could go?

Mackler: None really at all--this is a team that needs loads of help at all positions, don't be surprised if they trade down to get some help at multiple storylines, Chris.

Berman: Back up to the podium, Mike "and Ike" Helton with the pick.

Helton: With the fifth pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Sterling Marlin selects...Surprise Run by a Veteran.

(audience cheers)

Berman: Wow--just what this team needs, a solid pick at the top of the board.

Mackler: I couldn't agree more, Chris--this pick has worked out great in the past, you've seen it work so well with Mark Martin in the past few years, Bill Elliott before that. If this pick works out, don't be surprised to see Sterling Marlin make some ink in the papers.

Berman: To the floor, Pat O'Brien "Taylor" with a blast from the past.

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, and I'm here with the ORIGINAL Surprise Run by a Veteran, Handsome Harry Gant. Bandit, what do you think of this pick?

Gant: Great pick by Sterling, I was a little worried that James Hylton might jump up and grab this pick, but hopefully Sterling can carry on the tradition of great runs by older drivers, and chewing and spitting highly addictive substances.

O'Brien: And I know about highly addictive substances! I'm Pat O'Brien, back to you.

Berman: Sixth spot, Kasey Kahne, where do the Dodge Boys go, Mel?

Mackler: My sources have Kasey going for a bit of a reach with "Driver Who Toughens up his Image", this pick didn't work out that well last year for Jeff Gordon, but there's lots of rumors floating around this team.

Berman: To the podium, lets find out from "I Dislike" Mike Helton.

Helton: With the sixth pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Kasey Kahne selects...Driver Who Toughens up his Image.

(high pitch squealing from the audience)

Berman: Ahhh! Damn teenage girls! They're louder than Stephen A. Smith! Mel, your thoughts?

Mackler: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR A DAMN THING! THE SOUNDWAVES EVEN MOVED A STRAND OF MY HAIR.

Berman: Back to the floor, with "Stand" Pat O'Brien, who I hope was wearing earplugs.

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, here with 19-year-old Kasey Kahne fan Dawn Ryan. Dawn, what do you think of your man's pick here?

Dawn: Ohmigawd, Kasey Kahne is like, sooo cute, he's totttallly my favorite driiiiver. If he gets, like, reeeallly tough, it'll be like, sooo sexy.

O'Brien: You are so hot...I wanna (CENSORED BY ESPN2 BOARD OPS)...I'm Pat O'Brien and I'm being arrested!

Berman: That's all for now from New York City, I'd like to thank Mel Mackler Jr. for another great year of draft coverage. Good bye, and now back to your regularly scheduled ESPN2 Poker-related coverage!

As Seen on ESPN2...

2007-01-19T20:05:00.000-05:00

Announcer: "The Following is a Special Presentation of ESPN2, the Worldwide Leader in Poker...I mean, Sports."

Chris Berman: Live from New York, home of such champions as the Knicks and Giants, its the 2007 Nascar Nextel Cup Storyline Draft! I am your host today, Chris "Boomer" Berman--joined for the 10th straight year by senior ESPN2 Nascar storyline expert, Mel Mackler Jr.

Mackler: Great to be here, Chris--we're looking at an interesting draft for sure, lots of top storylines to go on out there, now we just gotta find out who goes with what.

Berman: OK, for those of you unfamiliar with the draft, here's how it goes: Each Nascar team gets to select one storyline to be defined by each year. Sportswriters are then required to play up that angle all year, no matter what the results on the track are. As you'll remember, Jimmie "Junior" Johnson scored a late-draft steal last year with "Team Under Pressure", a move that REALLY paid off for them, Mel.

Mackler: Absolutely right, Chris, it seemed like they just took the best storyline available last year, but it really stepped in once Chad Knaus went down with a four race suspension.

Berman: OK, the draft order was determined by a random lottery ball drawing, monitored by Kenny Wallace, who laughed every time the word "balls" was mentioned. The ping-pong balls bounced in the favor of Dale "Amelia" Earnhardt Jr. this year, and he's got the first pick.

Mackler: This is really a no-brainer here, lots of controversy, always under scrutiny, wildly popular, this is an obvious pick.

Berman: Lets go up to the podium, where commissioner Mike "Todd" Helton is ready with the first pick.

Helton: With the first pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Dale Earnhardt Jr. selects...Team with Something to Prove.

(audience cheers)

Berman: No surprises there, Mack.

Mackler: Not at all, Ber. Some are wondering if Junior is overhyped, maybe if all the off-track drama is getting to him, it'll be easy for writers to pigeonhole him this year as somebody with something to prove.

Berman: For the fan reaction, lets go down to the floor with the third man on our crew, Pat "Hurricane" O'Brien. Pat?

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, and I'm here with Junior fan Allen Salem--Al, what did you think of that first pick?

Salem: Oh, definitely a good move by Junior. He's a guy with something to prove, just like everyone else. He's a regular guy...you know, with lots of money. And a wild-west village in his back yard.

O'Brien. I'm Pat O'Brien, back to you.

Berman: Thanks Patty, now the second pick belongs to Denny "Kenny" Hamlin--how do you see this one going, Mike?

Mackler: Well, they have a couple of options. They could go with "Driver on the Rise", but Carl Edwards went that route last year, and it didn't help him one bit. One rumor has them trading down and possibly going with a "safe" pick, like "Chase Contender" or "Teammate of a Hothead."

Berman: Back to the podium, for Mike "Bat Out of" Helton.

Helton: With the second pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Denny Hamlin selects...Avoiding the Sophomore Jinx.

(audience cheers and oohs)

Berman: Ohhh, a bit of a surprise there, Hammy going for the swiss cheese there, Mike.

Mackler: There had been some talk about them going this route--its very high risk, high reward. Few drivers--or any athletes, for that matter--are able to avoid the sophomore jinx, if this pays off, they could be contending for the championship. All-in-all, they should get at least a few early season articles out of this one.

Berman: Back to the floor, Pat-Man.

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, and I'm standing here with Joe Gibbs himself--Joe, why the surprise move?

Gibbs: Well, this team is all about taking chances--last year people thought we were crazy picking "Driver Coming Back From an Injury", but look what it did for us? As long as we can repeat the 2006 Nascar season, and not the 2006 NFL season, we'll be fine.

O'Brien: Back to you, Chris.

Berman: From the obvious to the surprise, to the next pick--Ryan Newman holds the #3 pick after a late-season trade last year.

Mackler: That's right, Newman acquired the rights to Matt Kenseth's selection in exchange for five of Kenseth's robots. We've seen the robots put to use throwing eggs at Rusty Wallace's house, lets see how Newman uses this pick.

Berman: Back to the podium once more, with Mike Helton "of fun".

Helton: With the third pick in the 2007 Nascar Storyline Draft, Ryan Newman selects...Quiet Solid Season.

(crowd oohs and ahhs)

Berman: Ahhh, verrry interestink. Newman going the low-profile route, following in the footsteps of Jeff Burton, huh?

Mackler: I like this pick here, Chris. Newman was down last year, didn't get a lot of press--you can see what this storyline did for Jeff Burton last year. You won't see results from this pick for awhile, but I think it WILL pay off.

Berman: What do you got for us, Pitter Patter?

O'Brien: I'm Pat O'Brien, I called Roger Penske last night. I was asking about scheduling a meeting with him and my producer, lets call her, "Betsy". Well, one thing led to another, and now I have a restraining order. I'm Pat O'Brien.

Berman: We'lllllll be back from New York, after these words from Peyton Manning.

(To be continued)

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Parody

2007-01-18T16:12:00.000-05:00

To the tune of "Big Time" by Peter Gabriel

Im on my way, to Nextel Cup
I’m Juan Pablo Montoy-a
Finally I can draft
But that’s not why I’m going…

The place where I come from is the big time
They think so big
They use big words
As for me?
I’m tired of that
Time to get out
I’ll be shrinking my head
To let those big ideas on out

I had enough, so I moved out
To the country, the slow, slow country
I’ll make a small noise with all the small boys
Too bad there’s no race queens
The only thing big is my gum
And the Car of Tomorrow

Small time
I’m moving out to Nextel Cup
Small time
Small time
No more follow the leader
Small time
Small time
Much smaller than F1
Small time
I even beat the Frenchie!
Small time

My teammates are a young rookie
And a reality TV star
My owner looks like a high school football coach
The fans know my three names
Hope they don’t think that is too uppity
I just got tired of the F1 crowd
“Can’t walk down the street in South America!”
And my cars will be in diecast
For the last few collectors

Small time
I’m moving out to Nextel Cup
Small time
Small time
No more follow the leader
Small time
Small time
Much smaller than F1
Small time
I even beat the Frenchie!
Small time

Small time
My checks are getting smaller
Small time
My sponsor’s getting smaller
Small time
My fines are getting smaller
Small time
And my budget
Small time
My face time’s getting smaller
Small time
And my traveling
Small time
But was this the right move?
Small time
Gotta go and test small small small small small small small small SMALL

Goodbye Benny

2007-01-16T18:47:00.000-05:00

Only a week after the passing of Bobby Hamilton (more on him in a moment), Nascar lost another of its legends in Benny Parsons, who died today. Like John Madden, Benny will probably be remembered more as a TV commentator as the years pass, but he was no ordinary driver. After winning two ARCA championships (remember--before that he was a cabbie), he moved back down south to take on the then-Grand National series. He wound up winning the 1973 championship, a win notable for two reasons. One, he won only one race all season (predating the consistent runs of Matt Kenseth and Terry Labonte). Two, when his title hopes seemed to go out with an early wreck at Rockingham, members of OTHER TEAMS stepped in to help him get his car back on the track. That kind of thing doesn't just happen--you have to show dignity, humility, and class to earn it.
Oh, and like Bobby Hamilton, Benny has a connection to Days of Thunder. Remember the scene where Cole Trickle can't pit because his crew is eating ice cream? Well, its based on a similar incident that happened to BP in 1987. You get the idea that when he found this out, only two familiar words were spoken over the radio:
"Wow"
"UNbelievable".

We'll miss you Benny.

No Sales Tax

2007-01-14T19:42:00.000-05:00

A quick recap of Speed Channel's coverage of Speedweeks:

Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Toyota Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt Jackson Hewitt

Foreign Relations

2007-01-12T19:44:00.000-05:00

Today the MLS announced that soccer mega-star David Beckham has signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy for about a 1/4 of a billion dollars. Meanwhile, Juan Pablo Montoya continues to ramp up for the Daytona 500. How do these two European imports stack up against each other? Lets take a look:

Former fans:
Beckham: Rowdy soccer hooligans
Montoya: Finicky open-wheel enthusiasts

Reason for leaving:
Beckham: Chance to conquer America...for the kids
Montoya: Chance to really really wreck somebody...for the kids

Ready-made uncharismatic rival:
Beckham: Landan Donovan
Montoya: Ryan Newman

Spice connection:
Beckham: Married to former "Posh Spice"
Montoya: Sponsored by Big Red gum (it looks gooood on you)

Constantly trailed by:
Beckham: British paparazzi
Montoya: David Stremme

Beer-related nickname:
Beckham: Becks
Montoya: Pabs Blue Ribbon

Media reaction:
Beckham: "He's going to put soccer on the map in the US" (note: said about Pele in '78 and Tony Meola in '94)
Montoya: "Dey took mer jerb!"

Another "Weird Mike Mackler" Song Presentation

2007-01-10T18:51:00.000-05:00

Just a quick reply to all the owners crying wolf about Toyota's entry--and what Toyota should be facing in a few years.

Toyota’s coming soon what will they do?
I don’t know but this much is true
I’d like to hit the owners with a shoe
There must be 43 ways to sell your Cup team

They say “Its way too much now to afford”
If I was a millionaire, maybe it’d stuck a chord
But all your noisy whining leaves me bored
There must be 43 ways to sell your Cup team
43 ways to sell your Cup team

You just slip out the back, Jack
Find a new trick, Rick
Gotta give up the win, Ginn
Just get yourself free
Sell off the Dodge, Rog’
You don’t need this hodgepodge
Just remember don’t bitch, Rich
And get yourself free

They came in search of better sales
They thought their plan would never fail
But in a few years they might look to bail
With 43 ways

“Nobody likes us”, so they’ll say
Half our “rookie drivers” are old and gray
Fans want a Porterhouse, not a Fillet
There must be 43 ways to sell your Cup team
43 ways to sell your Cup team

I know you’ve had your fill, Bill
Your team’ll look dead, Red
You gotta resist the pull, Bull
Just get yourself free
So do whatcha like Mike
Just wait for the cost hike
Don’t gimme no lip, ‘Trip
Just get yourself free

On Bobby Hamilton

2007-01-08T18:51:00.000-05:00

(note: no jokes today, as I am not yet up to Onion-level chutzpah)

Bobby Hamilton came from next-to-nothing. The stories are out about his upbringing, living on the streets as a teenager, working his way up the local track. He wound up becoming a pretty darn good driver, winning at the Nextel Cup level. When APR started to fall apart, he went to the Trucks (remember, not many guys had done this before him), and drove his own truck to a championship soon after. All-in-all, a great American success story.
But there is that one really weird part.
You know it--Darrell Waltrip helped Bobby find a ride with Hendrick, driving a "movie car" for Days of Thunder. Bobby wound up tearing up the field before an engine problem ended his day, but THAT was his big break in Nextel Cup. It just goes to show you that if you try to succeed at what you love for a long enough time, you just mind reach your goal--just not in the way you'd expected.

I've Obviously Not Had Hundreds of Girlfriends

2007-01-06T18:29:00.000-05:00

The Outside Groove Salutes...Real Fans of Weirdness

Real Fans of Weirdness

Today we salute you, Miss Supermodel-Who-Married-A-Nascar-Driver

Miss Supermodel-Who-Married-A-Nascar-Driver

You prove that some people never outgrow high school, and still go for the guy with the fastest car

Hangin' out at the Wawa

When you first saw your future husband, you said you knew right then he was the man for you--I guess physical looks DO reflect the soul

You were almost Mrs. Derrike

Sure, you'd like to think of yourself as the next Ashley Judd--but she's a famous actress, and you're, well, not

She's got Morgan Freeman

So best of luck, oh Joiner of the Jobless, because no matter what happens, at least he's not an Arena League quarterback.

Miss Supermodel-Who-Married-A-Nascar-Driver

Me and My Website

2007-01-04T19:55:00.000-05:00

Me: Hey, website.
The Outside Groove: Oh, don't "Hey, website" me!
Me: What? What's wrong?
The Outside Groove: Oh, YOU know what's wrong!
Me: No, I don't, just tell me what's wrong!
The Outside Groove: YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT'S WRONG YOU IDIOT!
Me: TELL ME!
The Outside Groove: YOU FORGOT MY ANNIVERSARY!
Me: Anniversary? But that's Jan...OH GOD I DID FORGET!
The Outside Groove: Yes, yes you did, Mike.
Me: Damnit, I always forget that its January 3rd.
The Outside Groove: Well, I guess our 2 years together means nothing to you, huh?
Me: Oh, come on, you know that's not true. I'm really sorry.
The Outside Groove: It IS true. You don't care about me!
Me: Of course I do! Sure, I know we don't get together as often in the winter, but testings just around the corner. And hey, Armando Fitz is trying to get his race team back together.
The Outside Groove: Heh, I guess that does sound fun.
Me: Come on, lets spend the whole night mocking drivers.
The Outside Groove: No dates?
Me: Websiiiiite...
The Outside Groove: Just kidding--I know you don't have a date tonight!
Me: Oh website, you SLAY me!

Happy 2 Years!

New Years Resolutions Part 2

2007-01-01T18:10:00.000-05:00

(continued from yesterday)

21 Ken Schrader--Convince the Air Force that lots of middle-aged guys like him will sign up for the military.

22 Dave Blaney--Wait anxiously for car to turn into a butterfly.

24 Jeff Gordon--Make sure new wife doesn't make any appearances in Fritos Scoops commericals.

25 Casey Mears--Guard the nation.

26 Jamie McMurray--Enjoy the smooth, crisp taste of Crown Royal on the rocks...responsibly.

29 Kevin Harvick--Be happy. Be healthy.

31 Jeff Burton--Prepare for switch to AT&T sponsorship, followed by lawsuit, followed by being beat up by Sprint punks.

36 Jeremy Mayfield--Ask for salary in cash.

38 David Gilliland--Find out if fish with gills really can be taught to live on land.

40 David Stremme--Block April release of "NBS 24/7 Unrated and Uncut!"

41 Reed Sorenson--Get that "Tum-tum-tum-tum-TUMS!" song out of his head.

42 Juan Pablo Montoya--Look into possible Perrier sponsorship.

43 Bobby Labonte--Bee happy. Bee healthy.

44 Dale Jarrett--Check in with Toyota execs to see if they really do have those vending machines in Japan.

45 Kyle Petty--Add 19th sponsor.

48 Jimmie Johnson--Make gray the hot color for 2007.

49 (Possibly) Mike Bliss--Find out what's online! (Answer--porn).

55 Michael Waltrip--Figure out from new crew chief how he got BAM Racing running so well.

66 Jeff Green--Sell that PS3 on Ebay before the third shipment comes in.

70 Johnny Sauter--Saut on. SAUT ON!!!

78 Kenny Wallace--Oversee long-awaited merger of Furiture & Death Rows.

83 Brian Vickers--Have wings grafted onto body.

84 AJ Allmendinger--Finally form country-rock group, "The Allmandingers Band".

88 or 28 Ricky Rudd--FINALLY get back at Kevin Harvick.

96 Tony Raines--Kill Skip Bayless (at owner's request).

99 Carl Edwards--Have teeth shrunk.

New Years Resolutions (Part 1)

2006-12-31T13:01:00.000-05:00

Most of Nascar's top drivers are far from perfect (well, except for Tim Sauter). So its no surprise that some New Years Resolutions are in order. Here's a look (more tomorrow):

00 David Reutimann--Eat healthy.

01 Mark Martin--Count his blessings (note: could take until mid-April to complete).

07 Clint Bowyer--Get Richard Childress to start partner team with sponsor "Squat".

1 Martin Truex Jr.--Meet Bono.

2 Kurt Busch--Finish plastic surgery with Elfinectomy operation.

4 Ward Burton--Install new water heater in outhouse.

5 Kyle Busch--Eat bowl of cereal and motor oil every morning.

6 David Ragan--Find woman to "use him for all he's worth".

7 Robby Gordon--Continue therapy sessions to rid fear of Monsters on helmet.

8 Dale Earnhardt Jr.--See career counselor to find out proper path to becoming a full-time celebrity.

9 Kasey Kahne--Find woman prettier than him.

10 Scott Riggs--Put on 150lbs, go by new nickname "Big Riggs".

11 Denny Hamlin--Get sponsor to restart search for Chuck Noland.

12 Ryan Newman--Instruct wife to "come and get your love".

13 Joe Nemechek--Begin getting resume together.

14 Sterling Marlin--Start making plans for 2008 retirement tour: "Itssa lass lap, y'all"

15 Paul Menard--Look into changing embarrassing last name to more professional choice, such as "Nutley", "Ballmer", or "Gonadawitz".

16 Greg Biffle--Try to bang Lea Thompson without McFly getting in the way.

17 Matt Kenseth--Open bee sanctuary.

18 J.J. Yeley--Record duet with Kermit the Frog: "Its not easy being the third best driver on this team."

19 Elliott Sadler--Kick that 2-pack-a-day M&M habit.

20 Tony Stewart--Channel all rage and anger into beating the living hell out of Dan Snyder.

(part 2 tomorrow)

I Hope Pat O'Brien Quotes This

2006-12-30T17:26:00.000-05:00

As reported by Jayski and a couple of creepy celebrity websites, Burney Lamar has married former supermodel Niki Taylor. As two, um, celebrities, they signed a detailed prenuptial agreement before tying the knot. Here's some highlights of the paperwork:

--Ms. Taylor is forbidden from shopping at Dollar General, GM Goodwrech, Shell gas stations, or Wal-Mart (unless they drop the smiley face logo).

--Mr. Lamar retains soul ownership of a residence in Concord, North Carolina. He is, however, limited to no more than three Weekends at Burney's per year.

--Any children produced from this relationship shall be given an uppity, location-based name, as per Hollywood rules. Such acceptable names include (but are not limited to) Daytona Lamar, Talladega Lamar, Infineon Lamar, and Lamar Lamar.

--Ms. Taylor is not to engage in any physical altercations with one Nicole Lunders, unless captured on film by the Nascar on Fox crew.

--Mr. Lamar is to find suitable employment within the next six months.

--As a former supermodel from the 90's, Ms. Taylor is to stay at least 200 ft. from Shane Hmiel at all times.

--Mr. Lamar is not to use the fact that Ms. Taylor once dated an Arena League football player against her at any time.

--Ms. Taylor is not to use the fact that Mr. Lamar lost a Rookie of the Year race to Danny O'Quinn and John Andretti against him at any time.

Coping with the Holidays

2006-12-27T13:58:00.000-05:00

Earlier this year, I stumbled into this store on Cafe Press. Now, ignore for a second that a former Daytona 500 champion has the same marketing platform as ME for a second. I decided to take a look at some of these, uh, fine products, and here's what I could tell:

Large Poster: Sends a great message to your kids--work hard, catch the right break, and one day you could be stuck in a sport that passed you by a decade ago, desperately holding onto your past as it quickly slips away. Oh, and it also brightens up a room real nice.

Oval Sticker: Perfect for the Derrike Cope fan from the Outer Banks...oh sorry, I mean OBX.

Clock: "Hey, what time is it?" "Time for Derrike to get a new marketing manager."

Shirt Button: Goes great with my designs: Despain for Veep, Bobby/Naughton Jr. '08, and, of course, Ban the ButtPaste.

Magnet: The best way to secure your child's "Good Effort! B-" test score to the fridge.

Bumper Sticker: What Dale Earnhardt saw shortly after his tire shredded in 1990.

Obligatory Christmas Song Parody

2006-12-24T13:45:00.000-05:00

A couple weeks ago we heard about Jack Roush's surprise at Mark Martin's departure from his team. Now, at the holidays, Jack's feelings really begin to show:

Ill have a blue oval without you
Ill be so blue racing without you
Testing cars down the south with our new Ford Fusion
Won't be the same Mark, and Kenseth's not much fun

And when those blue ovals start racing
Thats when those blue memories start chasing
I'll always see your face, when I hear, "Second Place"
But Ill have a blue, blue blue blue oval

I'll have a blue oval, that's certain
Its just like when we lost Jeff Burton
'Stead of insurance talk, you'll be sent to Iraq
So I'll have a blue, blown engine oval.

Happy Holidays!

Now Playing (in Virginia)...

2006-12-21T19:56:00.000-05:00

Speed TV Talking Head: ...and while Marty Smith was arrested, he was able to slip between the metal bars to freedom. And now for a new feature on Speed: Past vs. Present. What would happen if two drivers from different eras competed against each other in a match race? In car #1 we have David Gilliland, a driver who captured the hearts of millions in the Busch Series, but has gone through trying times as of late. In car #2 we have Ricky Rudd, famous for taping his eyes open.
(shots of Ricky's car slipping past David's on the final lap)
Bill Elliott's Fast Tracks says...Rudd would be triumphant.
(cut to shot of Ricky Rudd, talking with former crew chief Fatback McSwain in the old RPM garage)
Rudd: I think there's still some cars...in the back
McSwain: What back? Mine? 'Cause I'm on Atkins...again.
Rudd: Out here.
(cut to Rudd fixing up an old orange "10" car)
Rudd: I think I wanna, you know, race--nothing big, just local stuff.
McSwain: What--you want to start ANOTHER consecutive races streak?
(cut to Ricky and Robert Yates in a restaurant)
Yates: You know, we have a sponsor in place for the 38 car. Or is it the 28? Ah, who the hell cares, I'm going chapter 11 in a week. Anyways, when David Gilliland heard that you were interested in racing again, he though, why not put something together?
Rudd: Hey, I ain't interested in getting mangled and embarrassed...again.
Yates: That computer race got a lot of people curious. AW COME ON, DON'T MAKE ME HAVE TO CALL ERNIE IRVAN!
(cut to Ricky on his palatial estate in Virginia)
Ward Burton: An it dussint mattah how it looks to utha peepull--drivahs drive. Hey, do you needa watah heatah?
(cut to Ricky on a random, non-Nascar affiliated test track)
Doug Yates: To race again, you need speed, and we don't got it. We've got Fords in our garages, so aerodynamics are out. So what WE'LL be counting on is BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA. Pretty much running like a Bodine crossed with Robby Gordon. Now lets start buildin' some hurtin' cars.
Movie Trailer Guy: The subject of the greatest Mitch Hedberg joke of all time...is back for one final year (we think). Ricky Rudd is...Ricky Balboa.
Ricky: You ain't out of the race till you get black flagged.
David Gilliland: Who said that?
Ricky: A real champion. Bill Champion.
MTG: Rated R for graphic nudity. In theaters this Boxing Day.

Winter Movie Preview (Part 2)

2006-12-20T15:41:00.000-05:00

The hits just keep coming from Hollywood--here's some more of this winter's movies with a Nascar bent:

Freedom Writers: After a failed attempt to become a professional driver, a young man turns to sports writing. When that fails, he tries his hand at the Great American Novel. And when THAT fails, he does the only thing he knows how to do well: Write articles criticizing Nascar and its drivers!

Code Name The Cleaner: When a new janitor at RCR stumbles into a long-forgotten storage room, what does he find? That's right--Mike Skinner. Thankfully, he leaves him there.

Alpha Dog: Brian Vickers left Hendrick to be the top guy at Red Bull's Toyota team. See what happens when a 20-something man is charged with bringing success to two multi-billion dollar corporations.

Stomp the Yard: With his sponsorship from "Snapper" long gone, Armando Fitz tries to find ways to keep his grass from growing.

Fast Track: In an attempt to circumvent Nascar's age-restrictions, Roush Racing attempts to pass a 12-year-old off as 19. An early favorite for the Oscars new "Best Fake Mustache" category.

Smokin' Aces: After successfully hosting his own poker tournament last year, Michael Waltrip decides to open his own Las Vegas Casino. Problem is, the Gaughans run THIS town.

Catch and Release: Set in 2005, Ryan Newman tries to enjoy a relaxing day of fishing. But what happens when he mistakenly throws his racing talent overboard?

Winter Movie Preview

2006-12-19T21:34:00.000-05:00

With Boxing Day fast approaching, Hollywood is putting out all its finest movies for the public. You'd be surprised how many of them are centered around Nascar. Why, just take a look:

Night at the Museum: What happens when the lights go out at the major Nascar garage showplaces across North Carolina? The cars come to life! And mostly complain about the price of gas.

We Are Marshall: When a bus load of Nascar fans en route to Bristol lose their tickets, can they convince the ticket-takers that they're the college marching band performing before the race? And if they do it, can the learn "Rocky Top" in an hour?

Children of Men: Kyle Busch and Casey Mears rebel against their stogy old owner, DEMANDING that they're allowed to stay up to watch The Daily Show.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer: After the Macy's clerk recommends Halston Z-14, Drakkar Noir, and Daytona 500: The Fragrance to the 800th person today shopping for their dad, things get out of hand.

Black Christmas: "Oh, another Dale Earnhardt Tribute Series diecast! Oh, yeah, I remember this car--he ran it for three races in 1992. I hear this is the one he ran that one time with the guy at the place--what a historic moment!"

Home of the Brave: A few brave souls come forward to talk about the personal hell of working under A.J. Foyt. Fortunately, some of them still had their hearing.

Notes on a Scandal: An intrepid Nascar reporter goes undercover to expose the real truth about Dale Earnhardt Jr.: He really likes to have fun.

Dreamgirls: Those four women from the Kasey Kahne commercials finally meet the REAL man of their dreams: Ray Evernham. Lets just say they're "In Good Hands".

"Hey, Look at Me--I'm Important!"

2006-12-17T18:05:00.000-05:00

I hate it when people post "Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been busy" on their websites. It always strikes me as a bit presumptuous that anyone actually cares. Plus, it seems to rub it in the people's faces--"Boy, I'd love to write some more, but I have so much STUFF going on, I just don't have the time!".
Unfortunately, I have to do the same. I work retail (sorta) and this week is the busiest of the year. So I'll be writing articles like Dutch Quality Stone Racing makes races--infrequently and in a random manner--for the next week. Then I can get back to what I do best--mocking people who make 1,000 times as much money as I do.

Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been busy.

43: The Richard Petty Story: DVD Extras

2006-12-13T19:08:00.000-05:00

As I pointed out in my previous article, I recently purchased 43: The Richard Petty Story on DVD. Despite capturing most of Richard's life story, there were some parts that seemed, well, "Hollywood". Here's what I found:

--The day he was born, I doubt that Big Bill France stepped outside his Daytona home, stared at the sunrise, and said, "I don't know why, but I feel like the world's gonna change."

--To my knowledge, an 8-year-old Richard Petty didn't enlist in the Navy, go to Japan, then beat Tojo in a match race in 1945.

--Come on: Richard Petty didn't free the slaves! Maurice Petty did!

--While I'm sure that "Young Kyle" used to go to races with his dad, I doubt that he had a foot race with "Young Davey", started losing, then pushed "Young Davey" across the finish line, knocking him unconscious in the process.

--While little is known about what Richard did in the sport's off seasons, I don't think he played football at Alabama, went to Vietnam, started a shrimping company, and banged Robin Wright Penn.

--Like, in this one scene, where, they were, like racing at Darlington in 1971, he was, like, totally running the 1970 paint scheme. Man, like, how stupid must you BE to miss that one!

--The final climactic scene, when, after winning the Winston Cup for the first time, he is carted off on a stretcher screaming "We gotta tell them: WINSTON CIGS ARE PEOPLE!", was obviously distorted. Richard's shirt was white, not beige.

43: The Richard Petty Story: A, um "Movie" Review?

2006-12-10T15:29:00.000-05:00

You know how when you walk into Target, they have a section called The One Spot, where everything's a dollar? Well, I was checking it out the other day, and browsed the DVD section. Usually its just a bunch of public domain cartoons, but I happened to come across 43: The Richard Petty Story. I'd heard a bit about this movie, but was told it was out of print. At a dollar, I thought, what do I have to lose? Well, I watched it last night, and here's my observations:

--Richard Petty plays himself. That's right, Richard Petty--a man of zero acting experience at the time, is the star of the movie, and its NOT a documentary. It plays like one of those old Arnold Schwarzenegger movies where he's the star, he's in every scene, but he says about twenty lines throughout the movie.

--The race at the beginning of the movie is supposed to be the World 600. However, the track announcer appears to be on loan from Exposition Motor Raceway.

--There's a midget.*

--The movie touches on all of the main events in Richard's early life (his house catching on fire, his father protesting his first win, etc.), but BARELY strings them together with a plot (something about his relationship with his dad, Lee, played by the dad from A Christmas Story). Lots of action, flimsy plot, not funny: Its just like Family Guy!

--Apparently they had vinyl stickers in the 1940's.

--The movie's villain looks like Dale Earnhardt, talks like Dale Earnhardt, and drives like Dale Earnhardt--but brother, he ain't Earnhardt!

--How they included Curtis Turner getting thrown out of Nascar for trying to organize the drivers, but excluded Big Bill France's drivers' meeting with the gun in his jacket is beyond me.

Sadly, this movie still ranks as one of the best Nascar movies of all time. All in all, it past my ironclad motorsports movie test: Its better than Driven.

*So THAT'S where they got the idea to cast Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder.

The Mackler-Hendrick Connection

2006-12-07T19:08:00.000-05:00

Back in the 1980's, Rick Hendrick was involved in some pretty shady business dealings with Honda. As he admitted in court, he bribed their execs with money and perks in order to get more of their higher-demand cars. The chickens came home to roost in 1997 when he was convicted of mail fraud. While avoiding jail time (for obvious reasons), he still had a conviction on his record.
In 2000, Rick Hendrick asked for a Presidential pardon from the outgoing Bill Clinton. Clinton gave the pardon, but only after Bank of America (then NationsBank) donated $500,000 to the Clinton Foundation. What's the big deal? Rick Hendrick was on the NationsBank board, and his good friend, NationsBank CEO Hugh McColl, was also a friend of President Clinton.
I too have a connection to Bank of America--I live across the street from their credit card customer service headquarters in Delaware, formerly the headquarters of MBNA. Most of the people in my apartment building work there, and everyone was scared to death when the MBNA-Bank of America "merger" happened.

So what's the connection between Rick and I? Well, we were both HORRIFIED that Nascar was mentioned in THIS VIDEO.

JaysList moreso

2006-12-06T18:42:00.000-05:00

I keep finding more interesting listings on JaysList, Jayski's new Craigslist-like website. Just look at what I found under the "Housing" section:

For Sale: Nascar Garage
If you love rock-bottom prices, then you already know about Competitive Edge Motorsports, which has been selling its inventory for longer than it was actually in business. Now we're letting go of the place where the magic happened--the garage. We've put the famed garage where Mike Garvey plied his trade up for $250,000 OBO. Now, friends, insiders, and contracts might tell you that we actually leased the place, but don't let them fool you! We bought it ourselves, and now we're looking to get money for it. Please ignore the mental patient who stands outside our building--he actually thinks he's a landlord!

Housing Swap: Ford for Camry
Frustrated driver looking to flip from the Blue Oval to the new guys. Currently in a long-term contract to an old hat, but cannot stand the location anymore. Refuses to start on cold mornings, smells when the air is on, and they keep claiming I have something called "OAD". Desperately looking to get into a foreign-made car--well, not foreign made per se, but you get the idea. To sweeten the deal I'll throw in 4000 lbs. of staplers at no cost to you.

Timeshare: Make Your Nascar Dream Come True!
Have you ever wanted to become a Nascar driver? Well in 2007 you CAN with Furniture Row Motorsports! Our ingenious plan of combining sponsorship with ownership allows us to sell off seat time for cheap! Plans available for as little as $5,000 a race! As an added bonus, you'll get Kenny Wallace at no extra cost to you! Use him as you want--driving lessons, laundry, odd jobs, you name it! Remember--you can't spell "Rut" without Furniture Row!!! (Warning: due to overriding tensions between warring factions, Furniture Row is unable to hire drivers contracted to Bed Boy Records).

Housing Wanted: Housing Wanted
Beloved former Nextel Cup driver looking for a place to stay. Not desperate--if I can put up with Haas, I can put up with anything. Most of my money was spent buying up most of Southside Virginia. Now I need a place to rest to avoid suffering from exposure. Cot, old rags, dumpster, you name it, I'll take it. Payment is not available in bill-form, but I will say "Polaris" for your amusement.

JaysList continued

2006-12-04T15:02:00.000-05:00

As I pointed out on Saturday, you can find a lot on Jayski's new website, JaysList, a version of Craigslist. Here's some listings I found under the "For Sale" heading:

500lbs of Bass
Freshly caught, large quantities of this delicious fish are for sale. Were caught on weekly excursions with our sponsor, so you know they were scaled by a pro. Need to move quickly to clear out fridge space for Budweiser. You must pick-up--when you arrive, ask for "Number One."

1993 Packard Bell Pentium 1 Computer
Fine piece of technology available for the ultra-low price of $1,200 (less than half of what we payed for it!) Have been using it to calibrate race set-ups, do payroll and type up our driver's lawsuit against Haas. Internet-ready with 28Kbp modem--a great way to find out What's Online! Need to sell to make room for new Acer Pentium 2.

Driver-Robots
17 Driver-Robots available for just $500 each. All come equipped with driving, speaking, and Packers-rooting ability. These are the "Winning Robots" models, which we are replacing with "Robots of Tomorrow" models due out in 2007. Most are missing personality-chip, but these should be easy to obtain. WARNING--robots will short-circuit around Reese's cups.

2004 Lexus--Badly Damaged
ISC is selling this 2004 Lexus 4-Door Sedan for pennies on the dollar. This was badly damaged in an accident last month, but can be fixed up with the right work (just like the Banquet). All damage is to exterior, except for cup holder next to drivers' seat, which apparently did not work before the accident. Remember, when you buy from ISC, you're buying from a fiercely-American company.

Jimmy Spencer Statue--FREE
City of Berwick, PA is giving away this lifesized granite Jimmy Spencer statue. Unable to sell at auction, town needs it removed ASAP to make room for a McDonald's. Installed in 1994, has minimal damage, though needs about 40 lbs. of concrete around mid-section to be current. Comes with detachable hairpiece.

JaysList

2006-12-02T14:01:00.000-05:00

In November, Jayski started a brand-new offshoot of his website, JaysList, a takeoff on the popular Craigslist. While its currently still in Beta test (just like the Car of Tomorrow), I was able to find these job postings from some of Nascar's elite teams:

Crew Chief/Actor:
Brand-new Nascar team is searching for a photogenic crew chief for 2007 season. Must have previous acting experience in commercial work (both TV and Radio), as exposure will be high. Must have high tolerability for fast-food burgers, pizza, and rent-to-own franchises. Crew Chief experience a plus but not required. Please forward resume--our gigantic-haired owner will respond ASAP.

Business Opportunity:
Are you a Fortune 500 company? Are you a Fortune 5000 company? Are you a company? Advertise your firm through Nascar and get big returns! Driver is experienced, a proven winner, and VERY level-headed. Unlimited use of golf courses located throughout the American South! And piece-of-mind that comes with being associated with a military branch and a garbage disposal firm. Act fast before we Sospenzo our operations for 2007.

Driver:
Experienced Nascar team seeks driver with sponsor. Winning experience is preferred, but will train on-site if sponsor is brought. Team offers benefits, paid vacation, and flex-time, but sponsor must be present. Sponsored-drivers from all backgrounds are welcome. Interviews are being conducted round-the-clock at our headquarters--please bring resume and sponsor check. Driver must not be averse to helping us clean out piles of Tide merchandise at first, but this can be negotiated if sponsor is present. All drivers with sponsors are welcome.
WARNING--WE DO NOT ACCEPT APPLICATIONS FROM BRAD SHERMAN

Sportswriters--They Care!

2006-11-30T13:06:00.000-05:00

Hey there, Nascar fan! Unless you're an Ernie Irvan fan, you know your driver will usually treat you with respect, good nature, and dignity. But what about the messengers of the sport--the Nascar sports writers? What do THEY think about you? Well, lets take a look at a recent Marty Smith article from ESPN.com on Nascar fans and see!

"His face is pressed between the bars of a wrought-iron fence like a child..."

"...wristband boy is darting around...like a gnat at the picnic table"

"...Gnat King Cole starts boxing out like Dennis Rodman..."

"...the look on his face is utterly priceless, somewhat akin to Will Farrell's* mug in 'Old School'"

"Very loud -- both audibly and in appearance..."

See! Marty treats the fans with disdain, judgement and superiority. Always remember--the 80 lb. failed novelist with the 1997 haircut? He's BETTER than you!

Sportswriters--They Care!

*He must be related to Perry

Kurt Busch...a Retrospective

2006-11-28T19:32:00.000-05:00

In his career, Kurt Busch has done alot of things. Lets take a look back at the general fan reaction to them:

1. Starts winning: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

2. Calls out Jimmy Spencer: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

3. Gets beaten up by Jimmy Spencer: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

4. Wins the Nextel Cup Championship: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

5. Gets pulled over at Phoenix: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

6. Has his ears pinned back....literally: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

7. Goes to Penske: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

8. Runs into a burning building in Las Vegas, saving a family of 7, three adorable puppies, and Wayne Newton: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

9. Goes to Afghanistan, hunts down Osama bin Laden, kills him with nothing more than a shoe, three spoons, and a picture of Rusty Wallace: "I don't like him, he's a wuss."

10. Grows a goatee: "Man, that Kurt Busch is pretty cool!"

Winter of my Discontent

2006-11-26T20:06:00.000-05:00

With Homestead over, and the banquet too horrifying to imagine, we've reached that part of the year when there just isn't that much to write about. So, much like Furniture Row Racing, I'm going to be writing a bit less over the next two months--more like every other day. Unless, of course, my musical idea comes to fruition. WHY, OH WHY wasn't I born a prodigy?!?

Now Playing...

2006-11-24T19:48:00.000-05:00

(Spooky wind sound FX)

Movie Trailer Guy: In a world...

Bob Jenkins: ...and with the Hendrick-Roush-Penske merger complete, the sport is now controlled by three middle-aged car dealers.

MTG: ...where a sport is in danger...

Brian France: (sitting in a dimly-lit office with Mike Helton) Our sport is dying. If we don't act now, they'll destroy everything my forefathers built. That's MY job.

Mike Helton: Maybe its time we called in a special agent.

Brian France: You mean double-oh--

Buckshot Jones: (barging in): Didja call for me Mr. H!?!

MH: For the last time, Roy--NO. Now get back to sweeping the floors.

BF: Anyways, do you mean James Bond?

MH: Uh, I already tried him, apparently he only works for McLaren. We'll have to get his American counterpart.

BF: You mean...

MH: (smiling) Yeah...

MTG: This Thanksgiving...Clint Bowyer IS Single-Oh Seven IN...A Shot of Jack.

BF: He's our only shot.

MH: ...on the rocks, heh heh.

BF: Heh heh...I don't get it, Mike.

MTG: Rated R for graphic nudity--in theaters now.

The Outside Groove Preview in Review

2006-11-22T20:31:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of the year, I picked the finishing order of the 2006 drivers points. Lets take a look at how I did:

Pos. My Pick Result
1 24 Wrong
2 20 Wrong
3 48 Wrong
4 12 Wrong
5 99 Wrong
6 8 Wrong
7 5 Wrong
8 38 Wrong
9 25 Wrong
10 19 Wrong
11 9 Wrong
12 26 Wrong
13 16 RIGHT!!!
14 6 Wrong
15 88 Wrong
16 2 RIGHT!!!
17 41 Wrong
18 40 Wrong
19 17 Wrong
20 01 Wrong
21 55 Wrong
22 43 Wrong
23 42 Wrong
24 31 Wrong
25 1 Wrong
26 10 Wrong
27 11 Wrong
28 29 Wrong
29 22 Wrong
30 18 Wrong
31 07 Wrong
32 14 Wrong
33 21 Wrong
34 45 Wrong
35 66 Wrong
36 49 Wrong
37 32 Wrong
38 96 Wrong
39 7 Wrong
40 4 Wrong
41 78 Wrong
42 61 Wrong

In the words of Benny Parsons, "Wow." I got two right! This should be a reason to celebrate. Unfortunately, I also said that, "Last year, I got zero picks right. This year, I guarentee to DOUBLE that!" With my guarentee falling through, I got two right and still managed to be wrong. Now I know how Brian France feels.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

2006-11-21T20:40:00.000-05:00

To the tune of "She's Gone" by the seminal 90's grunge-metal band, Hall & Oats:

We’ve been together here since the 80’s
He’d put up some weights,
And I’d put on my big straw hat
I need Mike’s approval for his replacement
Now that he’s left me, he’s in the Army

Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
Already run out of races
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
I thought Ted Musgrave would replace him
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
What went wrong?

Was it the cheap beer, or the fake coffee?
Or driving a car with a paint scheme of a V?
Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him for a jump-start
What is it? Duh.
Guess it was the Vi-a-graaaaa

Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
Already run out of races
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
I thought ol’ Lepage would replace him
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
What went wrong?

I spent my whole life with the blue team
Thunderbird and Taurus and now the Fusion
And now the leader is a winning robot
And I guess he knows what 2nd place means

Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
Already run out of races
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
Oh, why
I thought McMurray would replace him
Mark’s gone, Mark’s gone
Oh, why
What went wrong?

Kvap.

2006-11-20T19:44:00.000-05:00

OK, I don't know Travis Kvapil. I assume he's a great guy. And its obvious by his results in the Truck Series that he's a talented driver. But lets take a brief look back at his recent career:

2004--Joined Bang! Racing. Shut down at the end of the season.

2005--Joined Penske-Jasper Racing. Shut down at the end of the season.

2006--Joined PPI Racing. Likely to shut down at the end of the season.

Where does it end? I don't know, but this might be where it began...

2002--Part-time truck team team shuts down when sponsorship deal from Big Daddy's BBQ Sauce falls through.

2000--Dodge Weekly Racing Series team shuts down after hauler and race cars within are carjacked by the dreaded Mears Gang.

1997--Local Wisconsin race team shuts down after wasting $500 on paint jobs above the driver door (jeez--who knew it was that hard to spell "Travis"?)

1993--Midget racing team shuts down when supplier mistakenly ships 3/8 midgets, instead of the standard 1/4 midgets.

1989--Bicycle shuts down after neighborhood bully Johnny Sauter puts a stick in the spokes.

Congratulations Tony!

2006-11-19T19:09:00.000-05:00

Bill Weber: "Jimmie Johnson, your 2006 Nextel Cup Champion. From all of us at NBC, thanks for the ride. For further coverage, switch over to CNBC."

(click)

Host: "Well, the REAL money supply is completely controlled by calico cats, who use yarn to--"

Weber: "Welcome those of you not watching the Dallas-Indy game who also have CNBC on their cable systems. We'd like to welcome all 12 of you to a very special presentation. To Dave Burns."

Dave: "Here with Tony Stewart, a strong finish to the season, CLINCHING The Outside Groove's 2006 11th place spot."
Tony: "Um, thanks Dave."
Dave: "Here with the trophy presentation is Chairman, CEO, Head Writer, and Secretariat, Mike Mackler--Mike?"
Mike: "Thanks Dave--Tony, its a great honor to present you with The Outside Groove's 2006 Championship--I mean, 11th place trophy. We had this especially made at the mall--you see, the little gold guy at the top is bowling a tire instead of a ball. As a University of Maryland Basketball fan, I know what its like to the best, and I know what its like to be the best of the rest. Congrats, Tony, you've won our NIT."
Tony: "Uh...thanks, Mark"
Mike: "Its Mike"
Tony: "Whatever, um, I guess this is good for Home Depot. And Chevy and all the guys back at the shop, I think, I mean, I don't really know if this is good or not."
Dave: "Emotional words from an emotional man. Back to you, Bill."
Bill: "Thanks, Dave. And as we close out our final race on NBC, and since no one is watching, I'd just like to say that one of the top 10 Chase drivers stabbed someone for the mob back in the 90's. YOU have to look it up, because I don't have to."

Homestead "News" and Notes

2006-11-18T12:41:00.000-05:00

This week's race is shaping up to be a pretty good reflection on the year as a whole--a battle between Jimmie Johnson and Matt Kenseth, with Kasey Kahne as a threat to win, and no Michael Waltrip in sight.

According to Monster.com, "Nextel Cup Fabricator" jumped today to the #7 most-needed job position in the country. This may have to do with Johnny Sauter being rumored to go to the 88 Yates car.

Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain airs a special "State of the Sport" edition on Sunday morning. Of note, DEI head honcho Richie Gilmore will be making an appearence, proving to the many doubters that he does, in fact, exist.

J.J. Yeley will be running the full Busch Series schedule in 2007, in conjuction with the full Nextel Cup schedule. This is great preparation for 2006, when he will be running the full Busch Series schedule, in conjunction with nothing.

Eric "I Can Learn!" McClure has signed on to drive the famed Davis Motorsports 0 car in 2007. Of note is the sponsor--Hefty--which will require McClure to bulk up to a David Poole level of heftiness.

ODDS
4:1 Bob Costas will start his NFL coverage with a VERY awkward transition from the race (something like, "A great stunner down in the Sunshine State...um...Mickey Mantle Michael Jordan").
9:2 Jimmie Johnson will lose the championship, then receive a congratulatory phone call from Peyton Manning, Alex Rodriguez, and Charles Barkley.
500:1 Morgan Shepherd will be belatedly added to the starting grid as a PE, or "Pious Entry"

Nascar Broadcasting Coroporation

2006-11-16T18:53:00.000-05:00

Well, after six years, Nascar leaves NBC after this weekend's race at Homestead. While most of the crew will soldier on with an abbreviated TNT package next year, it won't be the same. Lets take a final look back at the announcers who've shaped our lives.

Matt Yocum: Nascar's "Ironman" reporter, broadcasting from every race every season, not to mention the bulk of the Busch Series schedule. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that he's not married.

Marty Snider: Yet another of NBC's crossover reporters, serving both in Nascar and Arena Football. Because when you think of Nascar, you think of second-rate football players flying around a half-filled arena.

Dave Burns: After the reception he constantly gets from Nascar fans, I was ready to write a scathing evaluation. However, a friend of his assured me that they're just saying "Boo-urns!"

Allen Bestwick: Sure, you can talk about his race experience, his strangely unemotional cadence, or his stellar hockey career. But for me, he'll always be the only Nascar announcer who ever came close to looking like Peter Tomarken.

Wally Dallenbach: I'll admit it--at the beginning, I hated Wally Dallenbach. But strangely, he's grown on me. He's like that girl you can't stand in Freshman year, but you have Pre-Calc with her Sophmore year, then you team with her on doubles tennis Junior Year, and by your Senior year, you're practically friends. But does that mean I have to ask Wally to the prom?

Benny Parsons: Benny's become the Dan Dierdorf of Nascar--he's been around forever, he's annouced dozens of memorable events, but he still gets criticized for his on-air performance. What's more, a marketing manager at Unilever, one of the world's largest companies, decided that "Hey...you know who would help us sell more Hellmann's Mayonnaise--Benny Parsons!"

Bill Weber: (Warning--NSFW) I SWEAR I am not making this link up, but it strangely sums up the career of this Donald Trump-lookalike.

Another "Weird Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

2006-11-15T19:42:00.000-05:00

To the tune of "California Girls" by the Beach Boys, and covered by Diamond David Lee Roth*

Well Daytona’s historic
Talladega gets to fast
And the road courses have the ringer guys
While old Dar-ling-ton has the past

Martinsville has the hot dogs
At Richmond they race all night
But there’s only one track where after a wreck
There’s a good chance you’ll see a fiiiight

I wish they all could be Bristol kinda
I wish they all could be Bristol kinda
I wish they all could be Bristol kinda traaaaacks

Sure Indy is prestigious
And Dover’s the monster mile
The Las Vegas races have the hot showgirls
And Fontana keeps in style

Now Nascar has all kinds of tracks
And they race ‘bout everywhere
But they could run ‘em all in the Tennessee hills
And nobody’d really caaaare

I wish they all could be Bristol kinda
I wish they all could be Bristol kinda
I wish they all could be Bristol kinda traaaaacks

*The Outside Groove--like a thunderbolt in your Cheerios. If you like it, tell a friend. If you hate it, tell an enemy.

Bold Moves

2006-11-14T21:24:00.000-05:00

OK...this looks like a nice, sturdy tree. Let me get my foot up here...yeah. Alright, climb to the next branch...ok the nnnext...hey, a squirrel! OK, let me lift myself up herrrre. OK--ah, there it is. Alright this limb looks fine. Let me get out on here...alright.
Now that I'm out on a limb, let me make my bold predictions for Sunday's race:

Jimmie Johnson WILL qualify better than 44th.

Casey Mears will NOT win the championship.

Tempting as it is to choose him, do NOT pick Harry Gant to win.

The Nextel Cup Champion will have started ALL the races in 2006.

The winning driver will DEFINATELY have a sponsor.

I will NOT be quoted on-air during the race.

No Fun League

2006-11-13T19:45:00.000-05:00

True story--the NFL has it written into every TV contract it signs that no NFL game can be pre-empted by ANYTHING. As such, no matter what was on before a game, say, a championship-deciding Nascar race, they'd have to switch to the football game. Which means that this Sunday, we could have this reaction:

Fan: "Go Harvick! Two more laps and you got it! Johnson's back on the track! He's got a shot at the championship! Go! GOOOO!!! G-what? Huh? Huh?!? Don't tell me they're ch--OH MY GOD, BLACK PEOPLE! They switched to the NFL!!! Wh-what channel's CNBC? Honey--WHAT CHANNEL IS CNBC?!? OH MY GOD I'M MISSING IT!!! WHERE'S THE RADIO!!! HELP ME JESUS! HELP ME BARNEY HALL!!!"

Reporter: "Mike, what's your prediction for Sunday's race?"
Me: "My prediction?"
Reporter: "Yes."
Me: "...RAIN."

As Seen on The Speed Report

2006-11-12T19:39:00.000-05:00

Speed Channel Reporter: ...putting Marlin out of the top 35, and Petty back into the hearts of millions. For more on the Cup race today at Phoenix, lets go down to the pits with Speed's own Cookie Monster--Cookie, how big of a win was this for Harvick and company?

Cookie Monster: Hi! Me Cookie Monster. Kevin Harvick get big win in COOKIE! car today. Harvick have big COOKIE on side of chocolatey stock car. Mmmm num num num. Me want to see Harvick win Nextel Cup--and fill cup with COOKIES!

Reporter: Cookie, this has definately been a dominating season for RCR, how do they carry this over to 2007?

Cookie Monster: Me fan of RCR for many years. Me liked Dale Earnhardt. He run Oreo COOKIE car back in 2001. He eat cookies just like me! Me like watching his son, Dale Junior, run Nilla car too. Nillas plain, but Nillas COOKIES!

Reporter: Thanks Cookie. Lets throw it back to the Nascar Victory Lane Crew, with John Roberts, Kenny Wallace, and Oscar the Grouch--I mean, Jimmy Spencer.

Phoenix "News" and Notes

2006-11-11T13:15:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the late race preview article--I was busy celebrating the impending new paint scheme for Jamie McMurray in in 2007. I mean, can you believe it? A BRAND NEW paint scheme, but the same sponsor!?! And they're letting us see it at Homestead! What an age we live in!

Matt Borland has taken a leave of absence for the final two weeks of the year. Many think this is a prelude to Borland leaving Penske for Red Bull, as evidenced by his shady excuse that he's "...left to be with his brother Al".

Jeff Gordon will be making a special appearence in the booth on Monday Night Football this week. Reportedly ESPN production staff has begun debriefing Tony Kornheiser on Gordon's career, ensuring him that he has nothing, at all, to do with Danica Patrick.

Nascar's latest odd contest has Dodge offering the chance to be Kasey Kahne's "right hand man" for the day. Why do I get the idea that this consists entirely of blocking phone calls from Tyler Walker?

The former #51 team has reduced its prices on its remaining race team inventory. So, if you ever wanted a bargain-basement price on a chassis caster or 10lbs of tungsten*, here's your chance.

ODDS
4:1 An NBC camera will have an awkwardly close camera shot of Matt Leinart.
10:1 Jimmie Johnson will leave Phoenix with a commanding point lead.
100,000:1 David Stremme will leave Phoenix with a commanding point lead (don't count him out just yet!)

*Help, I need tungsten to live. Tungsten!

"Guess We're Letting Him Talk Through"

2006-11-09T19:42:00.000-05:00

Cingular is running a new promotion where you can text a congratulatory message to Jeff Burton. Well, lets just try it out. OK, got my phone...OK, got the nummmber...here..."Jeff--congrats on a gr8 yr, keep it goin in 07, good luck this week at PHX...annnnd SEND." Alright, hope Jeff gets it, or at least a highly paid assistant.

(30 minutes later)
(Cellphone Rings)
Me: Hello?
Jeff: Hi! Its Nascar driver Jeff Burton!
Me: Oh, hi Jeff! Wow, I didn't expect you to call!
Jeff: Well, it wouldn't be to nice of me to not call ya back, now would it?
Me: I guess not. Well, thanks for the call back!
Jeff: Hey--thank YOU for the congratulations. Its fans like you who keep me goin' near the end of the season.
Me: Well, thanks Jeff, that means alot.
Jeff: So, am I your favorite driver?
Me: Uh, no, actually its Ryan Newman.
Jeff: Heh--guess I gotta keep up with the competition, eh buddy!
Me: Yeah, I guess so.
Jeff: Hey--are ya goin' to the race this weekend?
Me: Uh, I live in Delaware on the east coast.
Jeff: Hey, do you ever go to Dover? I won there this year!
Me: Yeah, I know, well, I do go there sometimes...
Jeff: That's great! Next time you're down there, give me a call we'll have lunch! Do ya like bar-be-que?
Me: I guess so...
Jeff: Yeah my hauler guy makes the BEST ribs in the world!
Me: That's, uh, that's great...well I hafta go...
Jeff: Hey wait, are ya gonna be watching the race on Sunday
Me: Um, if I get a chance, I actually have a date, I really have to go-
Jeff: A date? That's great! How about this--I call you from my car, and you can put her on the line! She'll be SO impressed!
Me: Yeah, great--I really hav-
Jeff: Have you seen Borat yet? Because I really want to see that--hey, I got movie passes--why don't you come watch it with me! That'll be awesome!
Me: Um, well...boop boop...oh wait, I must be getting boop boop another call...I really boop boop have to go.
Jeff: Alright Mike call me sometime! I always have my phone with me!
Me: OK I gotta go...
Jeff: Hey talk to ya later...
Me: OK bye
Jeff: Bye buddy!
(click)

Push-Over

2006-11-08T20:14:00.000-05:00

This weekend saw two highly-publicized shoving incidents, as both Nascar driver Kevin Harvick and Penn State football coach Joe Paterno were knocked over. Lets see what else these two have in common:

Extent of Injury
Joe Paterno: Broken leg
Kevin Harvick: Broken pride

Provocation
Joe Paterno: None, although recent comments about a college football playoff might have prompted a contract by the NCAA
Kevin Harvick: Lots, although if his car still had the big 3 on it, it would've been "Just Racin'" and 5,000 more T-shirts would've been sold

Whodunnit
Joe Paterno: Andrew Quarless
Kevin Harvick: Craig "C.C." Curione (Rocco...Curione...who's bankrolling this team, The Legitimate Businessmens Association?)

Previous Infractions
Joe Paterno: Chased down a referee
Kevin Harvick: Chased down a giant pair of eyeballs

Recent Success
Joe Paterno: Played in last year's Orange Bowl
Kevin Harvick: Won a championship against the likes of Auggie Vidovich and Steve Grissom

Annoyance Level of Fans (Scale of 1 to 10)
Joe Paterno: 12 (We Are...Penn State...well, in football)
Kevin Harvick: 16 (We've been fans since 2001...well, except for 2003-2005)

My Connection to Them
Joe Paterno: None
Kevin Harvick: Told him where the bathroom was in the Dover garage

A Closed Mind on Open Wheel

2006-11-06T19:37:00.000-05:00

As Benny Parsons would say, wow. Its strange, but I just don't feel like making fun of CART today. Maybe they've stopped their snobbish ways towards stock car fans. Maybe they've apoligized for their years of technology-driven, follow-the-leader racing. Maybe they've finally admitted that they are to F1 what the Truck Series is to Nascar. Wonder if I'm missing something. Oh, well, let me check out ESPN.com...

"Sorry to say it was self-inflicted," (Paul) Tracy told the Toronto Star. "I was at a party and had a little too much to drink, and we thought it was a good idea to go out on a golf cart and try and jump some sand dunes with it."

Ahhhh, there it is.

Shoot Foot, Then Insert Into Mouth

2006-11-05T17:23:00.000-05:00

Recently ESPN.com featured this article about fan reaction to Toyota's entry into Nascar. What caught my eye was this passage:

"I don't like the fact that they are coming. It should be just the Big Three," said Shane Will, a NASCAR fan who works for Ford. Will's tinted sunglasses and Dale Earnhardt Jr. hat hid his features, but he aggressively shared his feelings.

And so, I think its only fair...

The Outside Groove Salutes...Real Fans of Weirdness

Real Fans of Weirdness

Today we salute you, Mister Fan-of-a-Driver-Associated-With-Your-Employer's-Rival

Mister Fan-of-a-Driver-Associated-With-Your-Employer's-Rival

You don't let a little thing like your paycheck get in the way of choosing YOUR favorite car

We don't need no bowties

You work at a Ford plant, but root for Dale Earnhadt Jr.--a man who's never been associated with Ford in his lifetime

But his daddy raced for Bud Moore

Sure, it doesn't make much sense, but at least you're not dumb enough to give your name in an interview for a nationally broadcast television show, reposted on an internationally known website

That would sure be stupid

So stay your ground, oh prince of the paradox. Because when it comes to fan support, you're OUR favorite competitor

Mister Fan-of-a-Driver-Associated-With-Your-Employer's-Rival

Texas "News" and Notes

2006-11-04T18:05:00.000-05:00

As usual, changes to the Chase for the Cup are being considered for 2007. Chief among them is awarding more points to drivers who win races than the current 10-point gap back to second. Most drivers are advocating somewhere between a 25 and 50 point differential, while Kasey Kahne is promoting a 15 kajillion difference.

Despite rumors to the contrary, Nascar will not use restrictor plates this weekend at Texas despite higher-than-usual speeds. Besides, to make a change would be like the NFL deciding two days before a divisional playoff game to play by CFL rules.

Tums is coming on board as an associate sponsor for Ganassi drivers David Stremme and Reed Sorenson for 2007. Little known fact: Tums HATES "...them no good Columbians".

Brian Vickers holds the pole for tomorrow's race. However, he was reprimanded by Hendrick Motorsports for referring to his car as "...fast as a Red Bull" in a post-qualifying interview.

ODDS:
2:1 Terry Labonte's video package on NBC will be accompanied by music Terry Labonte would never listen to voluntarily.
4:1 Robby Gordon will be booed.
500:1 Tony Raines will be booed.

Terry-Eyed Farewell (Part 2)

2006-11-03T18:08:00.000-05:00

Today we continue our look back at the career of Texas Terry Labonte.

1990--Terry runs the year with Richard Jackson, after a plan to start his own team falls through. Thankfully this scared off numerous drivers from starting their own teams...for about three years.

1993--Terry is joined on the Nextel Cup level by brother Bobby, who promptly goes on to wreck about 20 of Bill Davis' cars.

1994--Terry Labonte joins Hendrick Motorsports. While the move would revitalize his career, he remained secretly disappointed that they never let him drive the green #51 "City Chevy".

1995--Terry's identity changes from "consistent driver who raced with drive and class" to "Jeff Gordon's teammate".

1996--Terry wins his second Winston Cup Championship, netting him the traditional winner's garish leather jacket. Brother Bobby wins the race, stealing some of the spotlight and enraging older brothers everywhere.

1997--Terry wins one race in his title defense, at Talladega. To give you an idea of the wrecks that destroyed that race, Steve Grissom had a legitimate shot to win.

2000--Terry ends his consecutive races streak after an inner-ear infection sidelines him at the Brickyard. Doctors refused to clear him to race, giving him a "white guy dancing" level of equilibrium.

2002--Terry wonders why the tiger on the hood of his car keeps asking everyone if they have an adequate supply of milk.

2003--Terry returns to victory lane at Darlington. Thankfully NBC was covering this race, as if it had been on Fox, we'd have had Darrell Waltrip interrupting to compliment "...Mikey on a fine 15th place run".

2005--Terry begins his "Shifting Gears" retirement run with a partial schedule. Guarenteed of making every race with his Champions Provisional, he becomes the bane of field fillers everywhere.

2006--Terry nearly wins at Infineon, fulfilling a childhood dream of contending through his final season of racing. Whether he also wanted to be racing an LCD techonologies-sponored car at a race track sponsored by an IT firm remains to be seen.

Ta-ta, Terry (Part 1)

2006-11-02T20:18:00.000-05:00

This Sunday Terry Labonte will conclude his career in Nextel Cup. Lets take a look back at the amazing career of this two-time champion:

1956--Terry Labonte is born. It is the last recorded time when Terry cried.

1969--A teenaged Terry is challenged to a fight by the local bully. Terry then proceeds to stare at the bully's face for seven minutes straight before walking away. The bully was later committed to a mental institution and continues to live under close supervision to this day.

1975--After being run off the road by "that Bush kid", Terry is seconds from death when a radical proceedure is done. By replacing his blood with ice water, one more life is saved--and a legend is born.

1978--Terry makes his (then) Winston Cup debut for owner Billy Hagan. Terry finishes poorly, as he is preoccupied for most of the race trying to figure out why a grown businessman would still be called "Billy".

1979--In a crowded field, Terry misses out on the Rookie of the Year award, but takes solace in the fact that he'll never have to deal with Dale Earnhardt again.

1980--Terry wins his first Winston Cup race. In a post-race interview with MRN, he extolls the virtues of winning at Darlington on Labor Day, a tradition which will never change.

1984--Terry wins the Winston Cup after putting up a shockingly consistant season. More surprising still, Darrell Waltrip is unable to come up with an insult for Terry better than, "Boy, you're hard to insult."

1987--Terry Labonte runs his first season with Junior Johnson and Associates. He'd later go on to say that he loved racing for Junior Johnson, but hated the associates with a passion.

(Part 2 Tomorrow)

You're Smooth...You're Silk-ay...FINE-INE-INED!

2006-11-01T19:58:00.000-05:00

Nascar handed down its punishment to Robby Gordon today for throwing a piece of foam onto the track at Atlanta. Here's some highlights from the penalty:

--Though understandably pissed off, Jeff Burton is explicitly forbidden from any form of retribution. However, RCR HAS entered Ward Burton in a fourth car for Texas. "Ahm gunna git 'im brutha."

--Robby must serve 50 hours community service at the charity of Richard Childress's choice. Hope you like stompin' grapes, Robby.

--Robby was originally fined $15,000 for his actions. However, as an owner-driver, he was unable to pay the fine. As a result, Mike Helton decreed that he become Jeff Burton's butler.

--Robby is fined 50 driver (and owner) points, seriously damaging his title chances for 2006.

--Robby will have his entire car stripped of all foam-based products for the rest of the season. Luckily DuPont has invented a brand-new metal racing seat that NEVER heats up beyond 200 degrees.

--The next time Robby gets in trouble, he'll be given the worst punishment Nascar offers--a cross-country plane ride sitting next to Kenny Wallace.

Another "Spooky Mike" Mackler Song Presentation

2006-10-31T20:30:00.000-05:00

To the tune of that song you heard ad nauseum on the radio today, "Monster Mash"

One night I left my home, I just wanted to leave
And take a gentle ride for a chance to breathe
But people started tapping my car up North
And then I realized, “I’m in Chemung, New York!”

They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash
The Bodine crash
It was a three car smash
They did the crash
Such a violent clash
They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash

Now I’m not the one to be a safety nag
But the town’s official seal is a yellow flag
Because of two brothers with Cup careers dead
And the other one? He’s inside a sled.

They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash
The Bodine crash
It was a three car smash
They did the crash
Such a violent clash
They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash

They were wrecking without a care
And none of them had any hair
And all because of Brett and Todd
And Geoff…rey? That’s pretty odd

They were spinning me out, they were wrecking my hide
One said “we don’t take kindly to those from outside”
I said “well, if that’s true, then what’s that noise?”
The response? “That’s our friends: The Sauter Boys!”

They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash
The Bodine crash
It was a three car smash
They did the crash
Such a violent clash
They did the crash
They did the Bodine crash

This Year's Hottest Halloween Costume Is...

2006-10-30T20:32:00.000-05:00

...ROBBY GORDON!

Yes, Nascar's favorite troublemaker is also the perfect choice for a Halloween costume. Here's all you need:

--Haircut resembling a 10-year old boy
--Worn-out, faded Coors Light undershirt
--Hypercolor uniform that changes from Red to Yellow to Black
--A fistfull of foam
--A healthy distain for the rules, competitors, and common decency in general

Anytime things don't go your way, just throw some of your foam at the offending party. Someone eat the last club sandwich wedge? Foam it! Guy in a Kasey Kahne costume steal your girl? Foam it! Kid on ecstacy brought foam to the party? Foam it!

And oh, the variations!
--Post-Race Robby (casual clothes, with an "oh CRAP" look permanently etched across one's face)
--Indianapolis 500 Robby (works best if you're skipping a more important appointment somewhere else)
--Drunk Robby (just constantly yell out "Come feel Menards!")
--Talented, Successful Robby (Tony Stewart)

I CALLED IT!

2006-10-29T19:39:00.000-05:00

Friday's article, under the ODDS section, and I quote:

9:1 Robby Gordon will affect the outcome of the race, and, by extension, the Chase.

I CALLED IT!

Parody Writing: The Home Game

2006-10-28T19:35:00.000-05:00

OK, everyone its time to play everyone's favorite game...
GUESS HOW LONG UNTIL THE ONION SPORTS DOES A JOKE ABOUT JUAN PABLO MONTOYA AS AN ILLEGAL ALIEN TAKING AMERICAN JOBS!*
Here's how to play:
1. Start out with 100 points.
2. Pick any date within the next 100 days.
3. For each day you were off, subtract that many points.
4. Bonus points? Oh mai oui!
--Featured on home page, not just the sports page: 50
--Times the phrase "area man" is used: 5 each
--Juan's referred to as a Mexican by mistake: 10
--Juan's career confused with Alex Zanardi's by mistake: 20
--References to George W. Bush: 5 each

OK, gang--place your bids today, and you could be the next big winner on...
GUESS HOW LONG UNTIL THE ONION SPORTS DOES A JOKE ABOUT JUAN PABLO MONTOYA AS AN ILLEGAL ALIEN TAKING AMERICAN JOBS!*

*--catchy title, no?